Is DP being abusive about finances/me working PT

He has a valid opinion here. One person working part time only works in a relationship if both are on board, and he’s not

This, and it sounds like he gets a bit of a raw deal and bearing all the financial strain

Same here as a single parent, moving in with my now DH meant a significant drop in disposable income, even though he’s a higher earner and his earnings all go into our joint account

I was financially best off as a single parent working PT just so you know. Difficult to believe but tax credits and child benefit and child maintenance on top of a part time salary were way more than I would have earned full time.

Indeed

yes but circumstances change. you don't just keep going and be bull headed about it because its what you agreed years ago.

you don't stick on a sinking ship just because you paid for a ticket, that way lies madness.

what is best for your whole family. not just you.

can you declutter so the house feels less small, can you work alternate weekends to bring in some extra £ to help build up some cushion to afford to move. Can you upskill so that you earn more £ even on a part-time salary.

Find some solutions that include you making an effort to help financially as well, not just him finding a new job. the job market is dire it could take ages, what will you do to assist in the mean time.

You are in a partnership

Sounds like he has found the end of his tether and your response has been to remind him that previously he was OK with your arrangement

He isn't any more. His perspective, his situation has changed

At the very least stop telling him what he said before. He knows. He feels the need for change.

Discuss it, don't defend yourself by dismissing it. You'll be driving in a wedge a simple discussion could prevent

He's not being abusive in the slightest. He's exactly right. You could afford to move and/or he could work in a different role if you worked full time. Working part time needs to be something you decide as a couple. It's not a right. You're being a bit selfish and actually it's worrying that you even suggested you may be being abused rather than trying to see his side. Presumably you love this man so you should want to take his feelings and opinions into account.

It’s the use of the word ‘abusive’ here that is most concerning. Now, unless this is going to be a huge drip feed (and by the sound of your subsequent replies is doesn’t seem to be), to be thinking that this is abuse seems wholly unjustified. Especially when there are people out their who have to live with actual mental and physical abuse. It’s a massive overreaction and the biggest concern for me in your relationship is that a difference of opinion - or really, let’s face it, his asking you to change something in your rather cushy situation because it’s adversely affecting him and you reacting badly to that - means that your response is to brand him abusive.

The only issue I find strange in your current set up is the splitting of money. Surely once you set up home and start a family it should go into one pot?

Beyond that you seem outraged (and so pull the abuse card) because he is highlighting that he hates his job, feels strain from the financial burden, feels the house is too small (very natural when kids come along) and wants you to consider trying to earn more and learning to drive. None of which sounds particularly unfair. Now, absolutely, you agreed to this set up in the first place. But things change. There is always going to be change and a good couple have to work together to deal with that. Name calling is not the solution here.

I think you are right that that is how he is feeling - that his weighty contribution is not being respected.

If you are not married perhaps you would be better off without him/

I think it’s fine for him to point out that by working part time, you’re sacrificing other things. I couldn’t afford to go part time after mat leave, so had to return full time. All very well being part time, if you can afford it, and sounds like you can’t really. I don’t think he is being abusive. Many mothers would like to work part time but can’t afford it.

How would the cost of driving lessons and another car improve the financial situation? OP is going to feel pressured to pass her test quickly because her higher-earning partner is funding lessons. Children at this age are often ill, and presumably if OP goes full time both parents will take an equal share of time off to look after their toddler if they’re too ill to go to nursery. It makes more sense to wait until the child is 3 imho.

No, he is not being abusive about finances and you working part time . He is being honest . The house that he should love has next to no storage space and no room to entertain guests . Why can’t he have space to entertain? He pulls his weight as house work is equally shared , even though you are home more . He’s a good hands on father, earns more and pays more than you for everything. He even has to drop the child at daycare because you don’t drive . You love your job , less hours and less stress . He don’t like his , works more , stresses more and can’t find a replacement. You are highly unreasonable.

HRTFT but from your OP I see you jumping to abuse to excuse yourself from being an equal partner. Seeing DP as an abuser makes it look like you are questioning your relationship. What position would you be in single, parenting 50/50 with no child support? Could you maintain your lifestyle on your own working part-time?

DP can't do more (you've seen him try). I can't see anything abusive in your OP. If I wasn't married, I'd be nervous only working part-time, your position is precarious at best on your own

Situations change, presumably you spoke about being part-time around two years ago. Costs have risen dramatically in that time.
Why don't you drive? Could you learn then at least look into upping your hours. It doesn't seem fair that your DP is stuck in a full-time job he hates, while you refuse to help, not only that you seem to think he's in the wrong.

Tricky one. Abusive is a very strong word. It sounds more like he’s telling you how he feels and probably a bit like a hamster on a wheel. Sometimes with everyone we feel what we feel and can’t help it. It might not seem that way but it’s better he tells you. It sounds like he’s in a rut with a job he hates and probably sees that you like yours but won’t do more and wonders what it would be like if he was part time but was ok in his job. And why wouldn’t he be ok with more hours. Both working FT is hard and the juggle isn’t nice at times but only the two of you can decide on this. Yiu do sound like you need more space though. Could you agree to compromise on say when she reaches 3 you go FT and look to progress, so that he can see light at end of tunnel? I found with mine things generally got bit easier then. For one I found their immunity skyrocketed I think just because they were older so they didn’t have so much time off. I think most people can look at how they thought having children was going to go before having them, but then the reality hits and wow! It’s a bit like being hit by a brick. I don’t think you can hold pre-baby views on life in the same way as now.

But I also think you should put a lot of effort into learning to drive. You’re not really pulling your weight if you don’t.

A lot of comments about him and the op and none about the toddler. From all the comments ive read so far not just yours.
im a working mum and always have been so I do not judge working mums at all, but I have sympathy for mums who want to spend some days a week with their very young children, and I think it’s good for children. I maximise my leave and lose personal time to spend time with my youngest. Where does your dh prioritise his child in this discussion?

Well maybe the do could do the same? Change his job, work low pay, part time, 50:50 childcare, claim UC too? Then no maintenance needed! Win win!!

This, it’s not really a partnership if one person is working full time in a job they hate, high stress..
and the other gets to do
part time, low stress job they love and won’t consider earning more!

Not abusive at all.

I am in a similar position to you. And I know that it is not sustainable long term for one of us to be continually unhappy. I will be looking to change my working circumstances in the new year to help balance things out a bit before it comes to a head. No matter what was agreed, things can change, and you have to work together.

Rubbish, I know multiple nurseries and don’t know a single one that is closed in holidays even though they don’t stretch hours. With regard to “what are you meant to do”, well, you pay, really quite simple, but as it’s only 14 weeks a year (ours let you take weeks holiday), it’s often cost effective after the tax free element.

The OP hasn’t clarified whether her childminder offers stretched hours or not so she may already be paying for holiday hours anyway. Also our setting offers different options for using the hours, for example, you can use 3x 10 hour days or 4 x 7.5 hour days (which you can pay a small top up to extend the hours but still a lot cheaper than paying for the fourth day). The fact that the OP is using a childminder means there’s likely to be more flexibility there.

Revolutionary concept I know but not every setting does things the way yours does!

I don’t agree each should maximise their earnings if they don’t want to, my DH and I don’t maximise our earnings e.g. I could work weekends when he’s home or he could work more hours but we would have a rubbish work life balance, fortunately we’re in the same page. Children don’t necessarily need parents with high incomes, fancy holidays etc. With OP and her DP it sounds more of a mismatch in priorities, they do not sound like a great match. She’d be happier on her own or with someone who shared similar/complimentary priorities. She could continue to work part time even if she was on her own and she would potentially be eligible for UC and maintenance. I doubt he’d be happy either way as he’d be worse off after paying childcare or maintenance and only his one income unless he found himself a very career focussed partner who wanted to share her income with him

Yes your point that why is she making the most of 4 free days of childcare doesn’t add up, it’s not 4 days unless you are working very short days and it isn’t all year round either if your not taking them stretched. Settings which don’t do stretched hours often are not open during the holidays, what exactly are you meant to do for childcare then? Even if they do and you have taken them non stretched, that’s quite a costly bill for the holidays. Very different paying for childcare for a 16 month old compared to the cost of holiday care for a child aged 4+ or even 3+

22 hours all year round = 2 x 8am- 6pm full days, if it didn’t then I would be making the most of it and working at least a 3rd day as we could do with the money
edit - I know you’re probably thinking, what about the 2 hours but you would still need to pay for the other remaining 8 hours of that 3rd day

He’s not abusive no. He’s frustrated that he's working ft whilst you don’t and if you did you could have a better standard of living.
not abusive and not unreasonable

I don't think he sounds abusive, no.

I think he sees himself stuck in a house that limits his enjoyment of both family time and free time, working a job he doesn't like and can't progress in to do that... with a partner who hasn't any ambition beyond going to mum and baby groups and watching Cbeebies all day (I realise thats almost certainly not what you do all day but I bet it feels like that to him!).

You need to hear what he is saying - he's making it pretty clear that he's unhappy and things need to change. That doesn't mean his suggestion is the right one for right this second... but ignore how he feels at your peril.

Commit to learning to drive and when you can do that, the scope for work opens up and your time management gets far easier vs using public transport/walking everywhere.

Have a proper conversation with him about jointly coming up with a plan for the next couple of years, so he can see that there is a way forward.

Yes, it is great and it's beneficial to spend time with your child but have you considered he might like the luxury of being able to do that too, why does it have to just be you?