Is DP being abusive about finances/me working PT

That's up to individual couples to decide based on their circumstances.

It's only an issue here because they disagree on it.

I'm glad you were able to have a constructive conversation about it. Sounds like you've both got a clearer way forward now.

Could you compromise - could you increase to 4 days? So you're still on less hours but then bringing more money in?

If you want to stay on less hours, whether it's 3 days or 4, you might need to consider a higher paying role to balance it. Full time hrs on your current wage might not be worth it currently at least, will child care costs.

Can you manage in the house as you are until DC is older and then you could increase hours and look to improve lifestyle factors? Maybe once they turn 4 and are in school? They are only young once. Good luck!

I really feel for him actually. I think it must be awful to be trapped in a job you hate because your partner wants to work three days a week and likes to have an enjoyable low stress job.

He’s certainly not being abusive - the opposite to be honest. Financial abusers typically try to limit their partner’s access to work and money.

That said, I’m slightly sceptical on the basis of the numbers you’ve given that you working more would make much difference, but I know childcare funding is different now.

You can only afford to move house if you increase your income (you plural)
If you move house, your DP can’t reduce his hours
If you move house, and you are only able up to do on the basis of the increased income, then you can’t afford to have another child in the near future - how would you feel about that?

I think your DH is blaming you for his work unhappiness.

She is pulling her weight, working three days and caring for their child on her own the other 2 days!! The also with him the other 2 days, all alot more than a full time job, the misogyny on this thread is ridiculous. Her priorities are just different to his, money and a fancy lifestyle isn’t hers. Despite earning above the average UK salary pro rata, some people have criticised her for not upskilling etc, well she’s already got herself onto a higher level than most people 🤷🏻‍♀️

Additionally, after deductions then even on her salary she would only be taking home an extra £400 after childcare, potentially less, would this even make the difference he’s looking for?

Because parenting a young child is a higher social value than a larger house?

And take the child away from her father just because her mother doesn’t want to pull her weight? Just compounds how selfish she is if she does this - and anyone who thinks it is a viable option. There’s nothing wrong in what he is asking of the OP.

Agree with this. It’s like I am happy so you can do one

I agree in part with your partner that if he is really unhappy, things need to change and soon, because one of you being miserable for a prolonged period of time for no reason will just breed resentment.

I disagree with his solution. Why have you run out of space? Are you filling up the house and never de-cluttering? Is there not enough room for the three of you with a normal amount of stuff? You need to tackle the cause of the problem before you move, otherwise you'll just full the new house as much as the old one and you will have a bigger job cleaning it. You need to figure out what you need to do first. Simply moving to a larger house alone will likely not cut it.

Secondly, why is he so unhappy at his job and why was he not able to get another one? Is it the location? Is his industry and skills very niche? Does he perhaps have to retrain? If it's the location, you will need to take that into account before moving as well.

In the meantime, could he not drop a day and you pick up two days? That way you'd both be working 4 days. It would likely make a big difference already and give you both breathing room to plan your next steps.

I don't think he is "abusive". Abuse is in actions and behavior (although consistent and abusive language can be part of that) and it is prolonged and sustained behavior that slowly grinds you down.

I agree that his comment was hurtful. I don't think that was justified. Him being miserable all the time could explain it. In either case, I would look into making short term steps to divide the load better.

Also, I think you need to learn how to drive or to move to a place with good public transportation.

I think you both need to discuss things and come up with a plan so you are working as a team and feel you have joint goals. For example, could you stay PT until your DC is 3yrs old or maybe starts school? You say your job is £25,000 a year, what could you do to up skill etc in the mean time? You say your job is enjoyable and you’re not looking to progress, but that leaves the financial pressure on your DH. For your DH, what ideally would he like to do? What steps could be taken to facilitate that? Could you plan to move in x many years? Do you plan more kids? There’s lots of things to think about here and I don’t think it’s fair to not fully engage in the financial side of things. And don’t underestimate how awful it can be when you don’t enjoy your job. Good luck.

You upping your hours and being more stressed and less happy isn't going to make him any happier in his job though is it? Unless he will think its fairer as you'll both be unhappy?! And it doesn't sound like your current rate of pay would allow him to take a significant pay drop, even if you go full time?

I think you need to throw him a bone by committing to a point when you will work more/try to get sth better paid, but I don't think you should do it right away if it doesn't feel right for your DC. I would try and bring the conversation round to what's best for the child, with reassurance how things are right now is temporary.

Presuming you both work weekdays, could you offer to work a weekend day in another role, so he can look after DC and no more nursery days are required? Might make him appreciate the work that goes into caring for a child on your own more too.

I’m sure they could make it sustainable but issue is more they’ve got different priorities

Yes as a single parent under tax credits and HB I lost 95% of any extra earnings, I think it’s meant to be a bit better under UC but not necessarily a huge difference after everything you lose and work related costs

If you read back your own post, you will notice the lack of balance. Things change over time so you can’t hold a decision made pre kids to remain for the rest of their lives. Did he not want to spend more time with DC as well? When do you plan to go back to full time. Well paying jobs are usually high stress and responsibility. If you are not willing to retrain/ try and get a higher paid job, it is a lot of pressure on him to carry the load.
I don’t think he was abusive but I do think he resents you

Couldn’t agree more and yes I can’t understand how the finances of OP working full time stack up to making much of a difference as I’m on double the minimum wage and yet working full time would make marginal difference after tax NI SLC, pension contributions, childcare and commuting 💰

Because you worked FT. I was the same once I worked FT. It was financially beneficial to earn less. I wanted to progress in my career so went FT but when I was PT I got free prescriptions etc as well on top of the salary top ups.

I’m not sure how to answer that really. He hasn’t (from the post) insinuated he wants that. She also says that he knew she wouldn’t go FT after children so it seems pretty poor to me to ask her to when the baby is so young. I can see I’m in the minority but it’s how I feel. I do get a bit peeved that if anyone has an opinion that’s different to the general consensus that they’re questioned though. It puts people off commenting and then it’s not really an accurate reflection of everyone reading.

Fwiw, I worked ft as a single parent and received no benefits and I certainly wasn't a higher earner

Difficult one OP, I totally understand why you don't want to work ft with a young baby. I did because I was a single parent and had to but I think it is too much.
Your husband's emotions are likely to be related to his frustration with work.
Hope you are able to come to a mutual conclusion

@Lamentingalways what if they both only want to work part time and it’s not sustainable?

I can’t actually believe that everyone thinks that working full time with a 16 month old should be forced upon you OP. I don’t even know who I am anymore, I just keep reading things that I can’t quite believe. It seems to me like there are lots of men that would think their partner working 3 days a week once they’ve got children would be pretty good going. Also, do you earn a shit tonne of money? Because after childcare I imagine you would be working for nowhere near as much as he estimates. I don’t really know what to suggest. I’ve always liked working but I think it’s pretty sad that both parents should leave their child with someone else 40 hours a week when one of them would like to be home with them and you are managing financially. It’s not like it’s forever. I wouldn’t have another child with him if I were you if this is what he expects.

I was living my best life for a couple of years 😂

I just am baffled that you think its abusive that he's resentful that you think its fine for him to work FT but you can't possibly.

If you were on 25k full time thats barely any better than min wage. Can you try and retrain into something with better pay and prospects?