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AIBU?

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Original poster

To refuse to be a witness against colleague??

667 replies

Pukkajones · 09/12/2025 14:28

Christmas party, a few nights ago. At a hotel, as it was timed with a big sales meeting, so everyone staying over, 200 ish people, free bar as well as a formal dinner.
Drinking very much encouraged. Staff ages ranged from early 20s to the senior staff in their 50s. Everyone VERY merry.
One colleague, let’s call her Jenny, got a bit carried away, throwing shapes on the dance floor, too touchy feely with men and women apparently then groped one older male colleagues testicles at which point friends grabbed hold of her and steered her off up stairs to her room.
She escaped. Came back down - paralytic at this point - and flashed her boobs at a senior male colleague! In the side bar area so fewer people around me being one of them. Another colleague and I intervened and friends got her again and put her to bed, this time someone stayed with her.

Now I’m being asked to come and tell what I saw to her line manager. I’m in training for an event at the moment so it’s common knowledge that I wasn’t drinking and was sober.

I really don’t want to. She’s lovely, usually quiet and sensible, the company got her poleaxed and now want to carpet her. I’m not a bloody snitch plus - why can’t the guy she flashed at say what happened. Why do I need to be involved???

I’ve been working away since the party so have no idea what is being said in office other than the OMG, Jenny! What was she doing??? Messages. But trust me, there’s plenty of stories from that night… so she’s in good company.

YABU - snitch on her. A man doing that would be in so much trouble.

YANBU - deny seeing anything. If the company ply everyone with that much booze there’s bound to be uncouth behaviour and they probably have enough witnesses already.

OP posts:
Peonyperfection · 09/12/2025 16:25

Keep it factual. If I had an example I’d mention that alcohol was actively encouraged. No point risking your own job.

Nearly50omg · 09/12/2025 16:24

The company didn’t open her mouth and pour drinks down her neck did they? That was all down to her. Shes a grown adult and needs to take responsibility for her behavior

LoveItaly · 09/12/2025 16:24

W0tnow · 09/12/2025 16:18

I didn’t say it was right.

I’d bet an awful lot of money on this man not feeling frightened, threatened or intimidated and would have no issue with saying nothing. In fact I would wonder if his official complaint was a strategic move.

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Maybe he’s testing The Equality Act in terms of harassment, and seeing if it applies to all?

Coconutter24 · 09/12/2025 16:22

Pukkajones · 09/12/2025 16:19

Yup. I have no time for this shite. Also, now I think about it perhaps I did finally crack and have a couple of drinks making my memory fuzzy and affecting my observation skills on the night.

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Would you be so ignorant if the usually quiet girl had her crotch groped or was upset a male had flashed her? You’d also let that slide?

Muffsies · 09/12/2025 16:22

Having done sexual harassment training recently, my understanding is that the person on the receiving end, and a person witnessing an incident get to decide if it's harassment or not.

So the guy who alledgedly got groped can decide that he's not bothered and it's not harassment. And the guy who got flashed can decide that it is harassment. That's their prerogetive.

A person witnessing these events can also decide whether it's harassment. So, a person who witnessed the groping can say it's harrassment for them because they don't want to be subjected to acts like that at a work event (even if those doing it were consenting). Similarly, OP can decide that (for her part) the flashing was not harassment, but that obviously doesn't detract at all from the fact that the other person did.

The question of whether OP has to co-operate with the investigation of her co-worker is completely separate to how she feels about the incident. If the company's request to co-operate is reasonable, doesn't open her up to fear of retaliation, bullying, whistlblowing or stress, then she may have to do it or she could be disciplined herself.

TallulahBetty · 09/12/2025 16:22

Pukkajones · 09/12/2025 16:10

Update… just got off a video call with the manager ( who incidentally I once had to help to bed many years ago after a big industry event, and who was so ill the next day missed their flight and had to get a later one… but I digress)
where I confirmed that I saw nothing untoward as I arrived into the area but did help escort Drunken colleague to their room as they were clearly not fit to be trying to break back into the ballroom …
that is all. Thanks for the advice.

So you lied.....

CherrieTomaties · 09/12/2025 16:21

Why do I need to be involved???

Fucking grow up.

You know what you witnessed. A sexual assault.

Do the decent thing and tell management what you witnessed.

If a court of law called you as a witness would you willingly turn a blind eye?

summitfever · 09/12/2025 16:21

@Gloriia are you for real? She groped a man’s testicles!! He likely has a wife and children, that could cause all sorts of problems for him. Not to mention the fact he was sexually assaulted which can be psychologically very damaging. You don’t know that man’s history, he could have a history of sexual abuse or exploitation for example. The woman is a sex offender whether it’s funny to you or not. Appalling attitude.

SerafinasGoose · 09/12/2025 16:21

Cornflakegirl7 · 09/12/2025 15:12

But women are easily intimidated (with good reason!) by males who are historically dangerous to women.

It's not the same.

Unless you felt it would leave your job in jeopardy, I wouldn't say anything OP.I'd just tell them you do not want to be involved.

And before anyone jumps to conclusions, I am careful at work dos and haven't ever got drunk or done anything at all wrong at them.

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I agree fully with your first point. It's not the same.

But there is still a very hard line in this sort of situation between what is and isn't acceptable.

This goes way beyond crossing that line.

Coconutter24 · 09/12/2025 16:20

Cornflakegirl7 · 09/12/2025 15:12

But women are easily intimidated (with good reason!) by males who are historically dangerous to women.

It's not the same.

Unless you felt it would leave your job in jeopardy, I wouldn't say anything OP.I'd just tell them you do not want to be involved.

And before anyone jumps to conclusions, I am careful at work dos and haven't ever got drunk or done anything at all wrong at them.

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The man obviously felt a certain type of way otherwise he wouldn’t have reported it!!
Just because some women are easily intimidated by men that doesn’t mean that all men get ignored with claims of sexual harassment or indecent exposure.

Tdcp · 09/12/2025 16:20

Echoing pp. A nice quiet man gets very drunk, touchy feely with women and grabs a woman's crotch / vulva and then comes back and flashes his penis at another woman before he's dragged off upstairs. It's okay because he's usually quiet and it's not like him?

JudgeJ · 09/12/2025 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MN hypocrisy at its best! If a man did this the reaction would have been very different, you wouldn't expect a woman to 'get over it'.

2chocolateoranges · 09/12/2025 16:19

I'd be factual about what you saw i wouldnt get drawn in to what others saw or what stories you've heard 3rd hand.

Original poster
Pukkajones · 09/12/2025 16:19

BennyHenny · 09/12/2025 16:14

So you lied, nice one 🙄

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Yup. I have no time for this shite. Also, now I think about it perhaps I did finally crack and have a couple of drinks making my memory fuzzy and affecting my observation skills on the night.

OP posts:
W0tnow · 09/12/2025 16:18

LoveItaly · 09/12/2025 16:09

Women get over their breasts being groped too, but it doesn’t make it right. Of course the OP should say what she saw, actions have consequences.

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I didn’t say it was right.

I’d bet an awful lot of money on this man not feeling frightened, threatened or intimidated and would have no issue with saying nothing. In fact I would wonder if his official complaint was a strategic move.

Apricotafternoon · 09/12/2025 16:17

If it was a man doing that he'd be sacked.

And also if a woman did that to my DH for example I'd be fuming.

She shouldn't be excused as just being drunk. I'm sure we've all been incredibly drunk before and managed not to sexually assault someone or expose ourselves.

1offnamechange · 09/12/2025 16:17

I would be honest and say what you saw.

However the testicle groping part - which it seems like you didn't witness - is probably the worst thing and I would have thought enough for her to get sacked anyway so if you really just dont want to get involved with the process (which i find more understandable than some of the minimising on here) you could say you'd just turned your head when she flashed him and didn't really see anything other than anyone's reactions....but to be honest that's still a risk for you which I wouldn't want to take personally.

it's a bit off to be blaming the company for serving alcohol/encouraging drinking. Nobody forced her to drink to excess and, even if other people didn't behave perfectly theres a difference between slightly embarrassing drunken behaviour and sexual assault!

PoppyWarrior · 09/12/2025 16:17

So you lied???

Original poster
Pukkajones · 09/12/2025 16:16

Moveoverdarlin · 09/12/2025 16:11

Give her a break, she’s probably mortified. Say ‘Well I could tell she was tipsy but saw nothing untoward.’

Mortified, I hear is an understatement. Though I also hear HR have an actually problem to deal with as there was some kind of punch up in the early hours… I was long in bed by then.

OP posts:
Mangelwurzelfortea · 09/12/2025 16:16

Gloriia · 09/12/2025 16:08

God, all these posts about what if the genders were reversed Confused. Well they weren't, a drunk woman is annoying but no threat to anyone.

Absolutely do not join in whatever investigation is being carried out. Leave it to whomever complained.

Perhaps the industry needs to reflect on their boozy reputation as a whole and start promoting a healthier culture

Agree.

I'd stay out of it and just say I didn't really see anything, just that she was drunk so you helped her to bed.

StephensLass1977 · 09/12/2025 16:15

OriginalUsername2 · 09/12/2025 16:01

I don’t think boobs are a sexual threat like someone’s penis is.

Flashing boobs is like doing a moony at someone IMO.

Don’t we all want boobs to stop being sexualised when we’re breastfeeding or sunbathing topless in a foreign country?

She also grabbed someone's testicle. Is that OK? And yes we desperately need breasts to not be sexualised, but is that really the way to start doing it? Some mad woman on a night out groping men and flashing her boobs?

BennyHenny · 09/12/2025 16:14

Pukkajones · 09/12/2025 16:10

Update… just got off a video call with the manager ( who incidentally I once had to help to bed many years ago after a big industry event, and who was so ill the next day missed their flight and had to get a later one… but I digress)
where I confirmed that I saw nothing untoward as I arrived into the area but did help escort Drunken colleague to their room as they were clearly not fit to be trying to break back into the ballroom …
that is all. Thanks for the advice.

So you lied, nice one 🙄

Tadpolesinponds · 09/12/2025 16:14

If a sexual harassment claim was brought against the company, it would be brought against Jenny too.

Morecoffeewanted · 09/12/2025 16:14

Was her behaviour out of character and not in proportion to her drinking?

At a Xmas party I attended some woman started acting in a very drunk dis-inhibited manner and one of them ended up in hospital where they told her it was likely her drink had been spiked.

We never found out who did this.

Daygloboo · 09/12/2025 16:12

ilovesooty · 09/12/2025 15:22

Wow. What a dreadful attitude.

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No it's a different thing altogether. Boobs arent a flashing willy. One is silly, the other is frightening.