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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not give SIL her engagement ring back?

469 replies

NameChangerAlaina · 09/12/2025 14:28

DB proposed to SIL with an heirloom ring that has been in the family (in one form or another) for generations; they are now married.

A few years ago, DB and SIL separated due to her family and money; basically DB got to the point where he was refusing to “lend” them anymore and SIL was furious. The final straw was when SIL sold the engagement ring to a pawn shop, gave the money to her family and told DB that if he wanted the ring he’d have to go and buy it back; it was basically a workaround to force him into (indirectly) giving her family the money. SIL was 100% sure DB would get the ring back as obviously it’s a family ring however DB point blank refused “on principle” and instead walked out.

DB told me the whole story as he moved in with me and with his blessing, I went and bought the ring in order to keep it in the family. Now just to be crystal clear for the avoidance of any doubt as it’s MN where some people like to cancel the cheque; SIL SOLD the ring to the shop and I BOUGHT IT from them (for an extremely inflated price I might add as I had to explain the situation). I have the receipt and record of the card transaction so the ring is now legally mine.

Fast forward to now and despite reconciling 2 years ago (they were separated for a year) it seems it’s only just come up in conversation between the two of them that I now have the ring. Now that SIL knows, she’s been hounding me nonstop to give her the ring as it “means the world” to her, my grandad wanted DB’s wife to have it, she regrets what she did, it’s so sentimental to her yada yada yada. When I told her how much I paid for it she basically told me it was my own fault for “paying over the odds” and offered me £100 (which is really cheeky considering she sold it for 4k never mind what I paid).

Now as far as I’m concerned, if I hadn’t paid over the odds, the ring would have gone to someone else so she’d be without it anyway and my grandad most certainly would not have wanted her to have it if he’d have known she’d sell it (he wanted it to stay in the family). I also don’t really care about how much it means to her as quite frankly it can’t mean all that much if she sold it.

DB is very much of the opinion that it’s now my ring (was originally willed to him) and I should keep it since he knows it has sentimental value to me and others in the family; he also made an offhand comment that he wouldn’t put it past her to sell it again as they’re “not as solid” as he’d like due to her family.

Now considering DB supports my decision and it was originally his ring, would I be unreasonable to keep it? My plan is to leave it to DB’s DD from a previous relationship thereby keeping it in his family anyway.

OP posts:
ILoveLaLaLand · 11/12/2025 22:39

Cherrytree86 · 11/12/2025 15:20

I think just to keep the peace, you should just give it to her OP. Be kind.

Troll

ILoveLaLaLand · 11/12/2025 22:37

JudgeJ · 11/12/2025 22:32

Be Kind = Be a mug, 95% of the time! Maybe OH should give the odious SIL her house keys, car keys, credit cards and PIN, be really really kind!

Couldn't agree more.
"Be kind" is used to control and manipulate women.

JudgeJ · 11/12/2025 22:32

Cherrytree86 · 11/12/2025 15:20

I think just to keep the peace, you should just give it to her OP. Be kind.

Be Kind = Be a mug, 95% of the time! Maybe OH should give the odious SIL her house keys, car keys, credit cards and PIN, be really really kind!

Calendulaaria · 11/12/2025 21:24

DO NOT GIVE HER THAT RING. you are 100% correct

1HappyTraveller · 11/12/2025 21:23

Play stupid games win stupid prizes.

It’s not her ring - she sold it.
I agree with the PP who said to wear it in front of her.
She sounds like a f*ing nightmare.
Good on you!

Thissideof40 · 11/12/2025 21:17

Definitely keep it. I can’t believe the audacity of her asking for it back after what she did. She would sell it again in a heartbeat I’m sure. And I’d hide it too incase she’s ever at your house and goes looking for it.

BMW6 · 11/12/2025 20:01

Cherrytree86 · 11/12/2025 15:20

I think just to keep the peace, you should just give it to her OP. Be kind.

ODFOD

Aimtodobetter · 11/12/2025 18:21

Wow - if she didn't already sound awful, your SIL sounds even worse when you realise she was trying to do all this manipulation to take money saved by your brother for his daughter, and she deprived her own son of an important relationship with your brother when they were broken up. She sounds awful both as a step-mother and a mother.

MoonWoman69 · 11/12/2025 17:03

Cherrytree86 · 11/12/2025 15:20

I think just to keep the peace, you should just give it to her OP. Be kind.

Have you read the full thread or have you always been a walkover?!
No way has that woman any right or claim to that ring any longer. OPs brothers daughter has!

Scottishskifun · 11/12/2025 16:49

Cherrytree86 · 11/12/2025 15:20

I think just to keep the peace, you should just give it to her OP. Be kind.

Why?!
The OP was more then lucky to even track it down. It shouldn't have been used as a bargaining chip to try and force her husband, nor should SIL get it back.

Maybe this is the biggest lesson for the SIL not to try and manipulate people!

DeadMemories · 11/12/2025 16:33

Cherrytree86 · 11/12/2025 15:20

I think just to keep the peace, you should just give it to her OP. Be kind.

would you just hand over £4k++ to someone just to "be kind"?

give your head a wobble, she sold the ring so obviously it didnt mean that much to the SIL.

FallingDownARabbitHole · 11/12/2025 16:28

Tryingatleast · 11/12/2025 14:08

Depends- 2 sides to every story, she sold it when they were having trouble, and now they’re back together so it has symbolism again.

She sold the ring as her DH wouldn’t give her the money to give to her family. She was vindictive and manipulative selling the ring as she thought her DH would use his savings for his DD to buy it back.

The op states this is when they split up, due to her selling the ring. If the ring really meant anything to her she would never have sold it to give the money to her family.

RedFlagsAllOver · 11/12/2025 15:45

Definitely your ring.
Similar happened in my family. Uncle sold my dad a watch.
20 years later dad passes away then Uncle tried to get "his" watch back. Then his daughter sent me a message saying how dare me and my brother sell "her" dad's watch.
We didn't actually my dad did 9 months before he passed away.

MeridianB · 11/12/2025 15:30

Cherrytree86 · 11/12/2025 15:20

I think just to keep the peace, you should just give it to her OP. Be kind.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaa

Your SIL found the thread, @NameChangerAlaina

Be kind 😆

Cherrytree86 · 11/12/2025 15:20

I think just to keep the peace, you should just give it to her OP. Be kind.

JudgeJ · 11/12/2025 15:00

APatternGrammar · 10/12/2025 15:45

Keep it. Your brother could give her a new ring for Christmas to symbolise their new beginnings (I personally wouldn’t, but presumably he’s still with her for a reason.)I

If he wants to symbolise their new beginnings there are suitable ones in the penny arcade machines, plastic and flashy, doubt they'll last too.

JudgeJ · 11/12/2025 14:55

Tryingatleast · 11/12/2025 14:08

Depends- 2 sides to every story, she sold it when they were having trouble, and now they’re back together so it has symbolism again.

Rubbish, she sold it when the OP's brother refused to bankroll her feckless family and she expected him to buy it back. Luckily that backfired and the OP was able to purchase it, it is now in the OP's possession. No doubt were she to get the ring back it would find its way back into another pawnbroker when she wanted money. I doubt that the ring has any genuine symbolism for her or she wouldn't have sold it so easily, she wasn't buying herself a new kidney!

GreyBeeplus3 · 11/12/2025 14:51

Just wanted to say it sounds/seems to me that your SIL isn't a particularly nice person and although your brother fell in love with her, he's aware of how she can really be, henceforth the ring scenario you've got now.
If I was his mumma I might just have said something by now about how there's plenty more fish out there; she's obviously very grabby/greedy with family to match, you don't totally trust her and I'm willing to bet she latched onto your brother assuming he'd be the soft landing she'd searched for
with the extra padding of pregnancy if need be.
So tell him to get a prenup and to mind how he places his favours.

FluffyRabbitGal · 11/12/2025 14:49

It’s your ring! Her feelings are moot, she lost all say when she sold the ring. Depending on how much you like stirring the pot, I’d tell her she could buy it back for £100k, as the sentimental value to you is just so high, but that’s just me!

RainbowBagels · 11/12/2025 14:40

Tryingatleast · 11/12/2025 14:08

Depends- 2 sides to every story, she sold it when they were having trouble, and now they’re back together so it has symbolism again.

Id say tough. She sold it because she couldn't get her hands on her stepdaughters money that her father had put aside for her, and then now wants to get given a ring back that she got £4k for! OP's DB doesn't sound enamoured with her. Obviously I don't know anyone in this but this relationship is clearly not going to last, so to keep going in and out of her poor child's life would be worse surely?

Tryingatleast · 11/12/2025 14:08

Depends- 2 sides to every story, she sold it when they were having trouble, and now they’re back together so it has symbolism again.

CombatBarbie · 11/12/2025 14:01

Id be inclined to make a replica anyway....

NameChangerAlaina · 11/12/2025 13:42

Thank you all for all your comments and well wishes, I really do appreciate it! I’ll try to answer some of your questions.

With regards to SIL being able to access money; at the time (not anymore) DB and SIL had joint finances and out of that, they each got the same amount of “personal spends” each month to do whatever they wanted with. SIL had been helping her family with her money which was her prerogative and DB had been putting some of his money away for his DD; it is the money DB had been putting away for my DNiece (well a portion of it) that SIL wanted DB to lend her family which he refused; that’s why she came up with her workaround as she assumed he’d use the savings to buy back the ring.

DB and SIL both have one child each from previous relationships but don’t have any together. DB, DNiece and the rest of us are all very close to SIL’s son though which is partly why I think DB went back (unfortunately SIL didn’t let DB, DNiece or the rest of us see him during their separation). DSNephew is a very much loved part of our family so rightly or wrongly, we are all still amicable with SIL despite her behaviour; that’s also why I’m keeping the peace by hosting her for Christmas because if she doesn’t come then neither does DSNephew.

DNiece is aware of the ring situation and I know she will treasure it as much as the rest of us. It’s in my will that the ring goes to her (the rest of my family know and agree) however the nature of my illness means I’ll know when I’m on my last lap so to speak so my plan is to personally give it to her before I reach the finish line.

The ring is not cursed (that made me smile) nor am I a “tad jealous”; there is a lot of love and sentiment tied up in that ring and my only intention was for it to stay in the family. I would have been equally happy if one of my siblings had bought the ring for example; the only reason I have it is because that’s how the chips fell.

Unfortunately I had no choice but to tell the pawn shop the full story because when I went there, the ring wasn’t in their displays and I had no luck by nonchalantly asking if they had anything else in stock etc. I knew (from their website) that they also sold through private sales and auction houses so I had no choice but to come clean as I couldn’t risk losing it; it was actually a good thing too as they had set the ring aside for a personal shopper! Unfortunately it meant I paid through the nose but it was the only way.

To those saying to direct SIL towards my DB, she was actually having no luck with him which is why she started hounding me. Like some of you said, she was initially trying to get him to get the ring from me but he kept shutting it down so she thought I might be a softer touch; he’s also refused to buy her another engagement ring and told her to use the 4k she got to replace it herself. It came up in conversation between the two of them when she saw me wearing the ring in a picture on social media and said to him that she was going to ask me where I got it as it was so similar which is when he told her it wasn’t similar but the same one.

I know I’m not being unreasonable but as another poster said, my friend is normally the voice of reason and spot on with her advice so when she made a case for SIL it did give me pause for thought which is why I thought I’d ask here. Don’t worry you’ve all set me straight though so I’ll stick to my guns.

Sadly I have no doubt that SIL probably would try to steal it back like some of you have said so on Christmas Day I’ll have it locked away in the safe that no one knows about (as I’ll be hosting I’ll need to remove rings when cooking / washing up so won’t risk it by wearing it).

Good idea about the replica though, it’s too late for christmas now otherwise I could have had one made and left in my bedroom or somewhere to see if she’d take it!

OP posts:
TeaAndTattoos · 11/12/2025 13:24

Anyone who is says YABU is off their heads. Keep the ring it is now yours your DB should never have told that you had bought it back. I think your plan is the best thing to do with the ring and I’m sure your niece would love to have the family ring when she’s older.

CleoFigaro · 11/12/2025 13:02

I'd keep it and well hidden at that.

You could suggest your brother buys another one if she wants a ring. Maybe as a fresh start as they have reconciled.