Christmas with out extended family

We have done 'just the kids & us' Xmas since they were little. Now they are teenagers. Do it. It's so chilled and relaxed without drama. Highly recommend.

Op, I feel the same this year, the only difference being that I cook every year at my house. This year, I'm just spending it with my dh and dcs. It is difficult when they are little, and you have to rush presents for people coming, when really you just want to chill. Not even having dm this year, she was dropping loads of hints. She has people to go to, and has not cooked Christmas dinner Christmas dinner since I was 18; she'll cope. Dh would also have to drive to pick her up, and her home when she has 3 options close by.
I've learnt over the years to just do what suits us. I just see people before Christmas!

As others have said, you don't need to plan out the next 5 years of christmases, so much can change in that time anyway and as your kids get older, you might actually enjoy having other family members around to give you a break from the kids! When our two were little, we spent it just the four of us for a few years. Once we were out of the tricky nap stage then we were able to be more sociable and now we host my family each year for 4 days. DH takes the kids to see his side a few days before christmas. Whilst the lead up to hosting christmas is a bit of work, it's also very nice as we make our home nice and cosy for us all. The kids absolutely love it as they get lots of attention from grandparents and aunts/uncles whilst DH and I can chill out alot more than if it was just the both of us with the kids. Aside from the christmas day meal, we keep everything simple and easy so we get a nice break too and can put our feet up.

We are chickening out of addressing this.. This year I just want it to be us = My DD, my DP, me and my dog. No good reason except being menopausal and exhausted and wanting to do my own thing at Xmas for once in my life. DD doesn't mind, DP would also prefer this. We can't upset my family (with whom I have spent every other Xmas ever) so we are going away the weekend before Xmas to do our thing and then going to my mums on the real day as normal.

You can make whatever traditions suit you, there's no rules!

You dont need to put it to them just tell them this is what were doing end of conversation! As the kids get older they will want to be at home playing with their new stuff not carted off to granny's so she doesn't whinge .

Absolutely not u reasonable!! When we had our eldest we made the decision we wouldn’t be leaving the house to visit people as it wasn’t fair taking them away from their new toys. People are always welcome at ours and it actually worked out that my parents and his dad come to ours and my brother and family come in Boxing Day. So like 2 christmasses for the kids. Xx

I don't agree at all. If you feel it's too much hassle to see them Christmas day how is any other day near Christmas going to be any different?
You'll still have the travel and the packing for the kids and the presents and food and so on.
Also depriving grandparents of their loved ones at Christmas is extra cruel and depressing for them. I expect they want an overnight stay as they'll have the pleasure of seeing the grandchildren for longer.
By all means establish your own traditions but just alternate where you are on which day and everyone will respect that.
If you're finding it too difficult to be pleasant to anyone for a day just remember you have this visit to use as a holiday from the cooking and cleaning and playing with the kids so just try and enjoy it more.

I think it's fine to do what you want. Just remember to be understanding if your kids choose to do this when they are adults and you are then extended family.

You cite your reasons and stick to your guns. Yes they may be annoyed but you are adults and have your own child and they need to stop manipulating you. As long as you are fair to both sides your reasons sound fine to me. Nothing worse than travelling at Christmas with young children.

There are 12 days of Christmas. The 25th December is only the first one. Don't put the decorations up too early and keep them up until 6th January (churches keep them going to 2nd February). It's a miserable time of year, so it's no wonder all the major religions have festivals when it's so dark.

I would work on both sides, telling them that they can have what they want - just not on Christmas Day and Boxing Day - if they are flexible. There's even a weekend within the 12 days, so having to work is no excuse. They can even keep presents for your visit. There is no 'christmas law' that says the big dinner and the presents are only for one particular day.

My favourite day is 12th night (the last day of Christmas). I enjoy another Christmas meal then and it's a good time to invite friends as well as family.

Obviously you have to do what’s right for your family but just to put the other side.
We’ve always had a big family Christmas, both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Both sets of parents and siblings came to our house. The kids have always loved it. People never came until 12-1, so we had time in the morning to ourselves.
Covid Christmases on our own just weren’t the same.

I also wouldn’t close the door on family for five years. Maybe you will enjoy something more casual such as allowing drop-ins and having a cold Christmas buffet on offer on Christmas Eve or later in the day on Christmas Day. We all have annoying family members (I truly never met anyone that didn’t have some gripe, including myself). It is nice for children to see family and receive presents from them to enjoy (maybe make it a rule no presents for adults). I would freeze Christmas morning as family-time and then be a bit more flexible later in the day, if your DH is on board too. But if you both like to have the five-year isolation arrangement that’s different and hope it works out as planned then.

Why do you have to decide on the next 5 years? And why does it have to be 3 days all on your own? Does your DH have any thoughts on it? Maybe he wants to see his family even if you don't?

I think all day and night with family is far too much anyway, but if they are local why not just do the bits you want to do, pop in when you want or invite them if you want, and stay home the rest of the time?

Saying we're having 3 days every Christmas alone with no visitors allowed for the next 5 years almost seems like you are trying to provoke a reaction from someone?

I don't think you need to lock in what you are going to do for the next 5 years.

thinks change.
Christmas traditions evolve.

I would say what you are doing for the next Christmas and then make decisions after that.

You might love just having your own 'house family' for 3 days in a row, or, it might seem a bit quiet not to see anyone else for that length of time. We are all different.

Try having your own isolation for the 3 or 4 days and see what you think before deciding next year and then the year afterwards.
What you enjoy one year might not be what you all want to do another year. There are lots of options other between 'seeing no-one for 3 days' and 'traveling to spend a full day at parents, then PiLs on alternative years'.

Break the mould and carve out the Christmas’s you want, with your family.

I now actively dread Christmas as it’s either Christmas Day or Boxing day with the Outlaws or very year, and it ruins the whole festive season for me completely. We had covid a few years ago so spent the Outlaw Christmas at home, just us and it was great.

my family are fun at Christmas but the other side are demonstrably not and it is draining……

For most people it isn't. The amount of stuff you need for multiple kids in general is bad enough but add Christmas presents and other stuff is ridiculous amount.

I spent one Christmas after my oldest was born with my family, and swore never again. I stuck firmly to that, and never regretted it.

You don’t need to make excuses, you don’t need to explain yourselves. You simply say you prefer to spend Christmas at home with just your spouse and kids. And you don’t even need to do that much to your in-laws, that’s for your husband to do.

Your parents and in-laws may be pissed off, but that’s for them to deal with.

Your immediate family as in your partner and children should be able to create your own family traditions without extended family sulking but if there is sulking so be it. I agree a message to say we will be spending 24-26th alone at home from now on. See you on 23rd or 27th. They don’t get forced to leave home on Christmas Day do they?!

Do it OP. Best Christmases I had were just with my husband and kids.

First 5 years we went to in laws (my family were not xmas oriented and lived 1000 miles away)- for us, was fantastic.
Go somewhere else for 3 days, mess up someone else's house, be taken care of, have the kids spoiled rotten... be bragged about forever because you helped peel the spuds and wash up.
Then the kids got to school age and wanted to be home with their toys, so they came to us.
Was different, but still the hustle and bustle and sharing with gran and grandad.
Now the kids are just post uni and it is only the 4 of us, with an occasional boyfriend, waif or stray the kids have invited along so they wont be alone. Christmas is ... quieter.

Would say that whatever you do is fine, someone will probably complain, but just give plenty of notice of your plans and be prepared to be flexible if situations change.

Since become a MIL and grandmother, I've accepted that Christmas will be in my gc's house. They'll be away alternate years with her family (who live abroad). It's sad to think I won't have Christmas here but I know that it's their turn now and I certainly wouldn't be moaning about it - that just makes people not want to spend time with you at all.

lol maybe for you it is. It doesn't sound like OP enjoys it and neither did I when my kids were younger.

Yeah, stay home. I used to schlepp the kids up to the in-laws every year and honestly it’s a nightmare. Now I’m old enough for my kids to be adults I just ask to see them over the Christmas period sometime.

You sound a bit precious, packing and travelling can just be part of the adventure

Just wondering what was the arrangement for your DHs childhood Christmas' OP? Did they have to schlep off to his parental grandparents every year?