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Original poster

Talk me out of having a 4th child

62 replies

UppityPanda123 · 09/12/2025 12:33

Posting on AIBU rather than “larger families” as I’m more likely to get the brutally honest opinions I need without selection bias. I also want to preface this by saying I know that we are lucky to have any children, and I am very sorry that there will be women reading this who are struggling to conceive.

I am 36 and recently had my third child. I have two girls and a little boy. This most recent pregnancy was so so hard - I was exhausted, miserable, often felt inexplicably furious, and felt “trapped” somehow. I couldn’t properly look after my other two children and my husband went part time so that he could do more for us. Truly the moment that I gave birth, I was back to my normal self. It was a dramatic change. Postpartum was a breeze compared to pregnancy. I was certain that I was “done” and have just been really focusing on my health since day 1 postpartum so that I can be the best mum that I can be - prioritising sleep, good nutrition, and regular exercise. My baby boy is now 8 months old, we’ve settled into a good rhythm as a family, I feel fitter/stronger than I’ve been in years and now I still feel like one child is missing from our family . My husband would happily have a fourth (or fifth!) if it was up to him, but after my mood plummeting during my third pregnancy I think that even he is worried about what another 9 months of that would do to us as a couple and to the three children we already have. I feel the same. We can afford a 4th child now and in the future (state schools nearby are ok so we can save for university fees etc), we already have a van with enough space for everyone, and we have enough potential bedroom space. I have returned to work and it’s going fine. My husband and I both work nearby (no commute) with compressed hours so that we have time with our children - he has a Friday off, I have Monday and Tuesday off. My concern is the psychological and physical impact (pregnancy is gruelling for me), and wanting to have enough time/energy for the children I already have, both now and as they grow into teens and adults. My parents had me when they were “older” and are both now deceased, so that also gives me pause for thought when considering bringing another life into the world. I miss them every day and I want my children to have more quality time with me in their lives than I had with my own parents - which is also why I’m focusing so much on my health now.

YABU - do NOT have any more children
YANBU - go on, have another baby

OP posts:
Bunnycat101 · 09/12/2025 13:44

I think you have to really think about what you and your children would gain/lose from adding another child into the mix. You have said that during pregnancy you couldn’t look after your children. That is quite big and you are lucky you bounced back after the birth. You might not be so lucky next time and if it happens again, it will be bad for your existing children.

Zoraflora · 09/12/2025 13:44

I had this urge when my third was about a year old even though Id had a bad birth experience. Thankfully I talked myself out of it. I think is post partum hormones!

So glad I didnt have any more as its hard at times to give everyone enough time and attention. Also teens are expensive.

You have three healthy children and a good balance with work and home, I think Id prefer to keep that than risk it by going for a fourth baby.

ThanksBridesmaidLikeTheBeard · 09/12/2025 13:38

Three boys here ages 12, 10 and 8.

I know how you feel. I felt the same way for a couple of years after my 3rd was born but the biggest thing for me (other than having difficult pregnancies) that stopped me from going for the 4th was thinking about the amount of quality time I could give to each child, as others have said. I often feel overwhelmed, trying to help them all with their homework (especially now that my eldest is at secondary where the homework has massively increased), getting them to clubs, etc. I try not to but I feel like I'm often saying "in a minute" to them when they want my attention, as I'm tackling more washing / cleaning / admin etc.

And that's without mentioning the hormones, arguments and testing of boundaries that comes with children 😄

FastTurtle · 09/12/2025 13:35

Diarygirlqueen · 09/12/2025 13:33

My desire to have 4 children was so strong and my fourth was a beautiful boy who completed our family. I dont regret him, however, he is autistic and life is definitely harder with him.

One of my closest friends persuaded her husband to have another child, he was so against it. The child is handicapped and has had a massive impact on their family, she bitterly regrets it, which has changed her whole personality. It's very sad to watch them.

Please don’t use the word handicapped.

Diarygirlqueen · 09/12/2025 13:33

My desire to have 4 children was so strong and my fourth was a beautiful boy who completed our family. I dont regret him, however, he is autistic and life is definitely harder with him.

One of my closest friends persuaded her husband to have another child, he was so against it. The child is handicapped and has had a massive impact on their family, she bitterly regrets it, which has changed her whole personality. It's very sad to watch them.

Goodgoings · 09/12/2025 13:30

I have three - two girls and a boy - now 18, 16 and 13.

For me, the teenage years have been monumentally more difficult than the baby/toddler/primary school years. Yes, small children can be exhausting but their problems and worries can usually be quite easily fixed.

It's difficult being a teen these days and all of mine have had times of needing a lot of one-to-one parental attention, which takes a bit of juggling when there's three of them and two of you (plus work, other responsibilities etc).

Obviously it's up to you if you have another, but don't assume parenthood gets easier as they get older!

OrdinaryGirl · 09/12/2025 13:28

I wanted two children. The second was twins. Have a little think about that happening with your FOURTH, young missy 😄

Also you are kind of playing pontoon with your family life in saying ‘Twist’ rather than ‘Stick’, when you have three healthy children.

Does your husband want to try for a 4th? Surely it has to be two enthusiastic yeses or it’s a no. No?

FastTurtle · 09/12/2025 13:28

I have 3 DC and when my youngest was 4 years old I really wanted another one. This lasted for about a year and then I realised what if I then wanted a fifth and a sixth, I couldn’t keep having DC.
My 3DC are grown up and I love having 3, my DC are really close.
I haven’t had any money worries but did find the university years expensive so that’s something to really bear in mind.

Whatsthatsheila · 09/12/2025 13:27

UppityPanda123 · 09/12/2025 12:51

Honestly this never occurred me but you are so right. If my husband or I develop a serious illness then things will be really hard. We don’t have any other family within an 8 hour drive to rely on and his parents aren’t interested in their grandchildren.

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Honestly I think you should just concentrate on the wonderful family unit you have - it’s working and it’s lovely and you are all happy. Stick with that. Don’t chance that roll of the dice again x

Goldwren1923 · 09/12/2025 13:24

Can you afford 4th child without state help (UC, free childcare hours etc) - if yes go for it. If no, then not - these are not guaranteed for the next 18 years

Grassinthegarden · 09/12/2025 13:22

Watching with interest.

I could almost have written your post. I’m 37. My youngest is also 8 months (others are 4 and 2) and I really, really want a fourth. I don’t have the same issues you describe during pregnancy but I have been extremely sick each time, so that’s putting me off. Also - the thought of telling people I’ve got four children. It’s bad enough when you say you have three!

CheeseIsMyIdol · 09/12/2025 13:19

UppityPanda123 · 09/12/2025 12:51

Honestly this never occurred me but you are so right. If my husband or I develop a serious illness then things will be really hard. We don’t have any other family within an 8 hour drive to rely on and his parents aren’t interested in their grandchildren.

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I don’t understand how people can make family planning decisions without factoring in the possibility of illness, disability, SEN, death, loss of income, etc.

“i feel broody” is not enough in 2025.

gmgnts · 09/12/2025 13:15

DON'T DO IT! Be sensible - you know it's a bad idea.

Autumn1990 · 09/12/2025 13:09

I think whatever number of children you have you’d still feel broody for another. I’ve got two and don’t want another but still feel broody. I know people with 3 who still feel broody!

TheGreenCrab · 09/12/2025 13:08

I had 3 close together - they are really close so the dynamic of three can work well. After the third I really wanted another - until he was two and I was out of the baby bubble and that longing went!

I recently had surprise baby number four - the pregnancy was much much harder because of my age and the number of kids I’ve had. Little one is thriving but I worry I’m missing out on time with my older three.

Only you know if it’s right for you but 3 to 4 has been the hardest transition for me

ViciousCurrentBun · 09/12/2025 13:02

I am one of six, you could be the most efficient lovley Mother in the world but with each child they get less one to one time. I had one full day out with my Mother by myself in my entire childhood, it’s my best memory of her.

Grammarninja · 09/12/2025 12:59

Your next child could have a serious medical problem too. I remember when my sister had her third baby (She's a doctor so she's very aware of how many things can go wrong). She told me, as she cradled her 3rd, that she couldn't believe how lucky she was to have 3 healthy children and that she felt she was getting 'greedy' with a 3rd but fortune was in her favour. She'd never have chanced a fourth for this very reason. She'd hate to ruin the quality of her children's lives with the potential needs of a very unwell baby.

CalmLeader · 09/12/2025 12:58

No. Surely if you need talking out of it you shouldn’t be doing it.

Sarah2891 · 09/12/2025 12:58

I would quit while you are ahead and while everything is going well, to be honest. It sounds like you have a lovely family. But only you can decide (obviously)
Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

MatildaTheCat · 09/12/2025 12:56

Have you considered the scenario whereby your mood and ability to cope not only plummets during the nest pregnancy but fails to recover and leads to a prolonged period of feeling awful?

From your post you say DH would happily have 4/5 children but where do you draw the line and enjoy the family you have?

On the other hand I know some really beautiful larger families and while I assume they don’t spend much time with their feet up they do seem very happy.

Original poster
UppityPanda123 · 09/12/2025 12:52

CheeseIsMyIdol · 09/12/2025 12:50

Think of the planet and how humans are causing the death of so many beautiful species.

I will be flamed for saying this, but the environmental reasons for not having children have zero traction with me.

(Edited to add - and that’s surprising as I am eco conscious - we rarely travel and do so in the most eco friendly way when we do, have an energy efficient home, kitchen garden, reuse everything until it gives up etc)

OP posts:
Original poster
UppityPanda123 · 09/12/2025 12:51

Whatsthatsheila · 09/12/2025 12:49

You can cope now with finances work house size etc but what if something changes? Redundancy ill-health of yourselves or a loved one?

you can cope and you are comfortable. Use your time and energy to secure your position and future

Honestly this never occurred me but you are so right. If my husband or I develop a serious illness then things will be really hard. We don’t have any other family within an 8 hour drive to rely on and his parents aren’t interested in their grandchildren.

OP posts:
CheeseIsMyIdol · 09/12/2025 12:50

Think of the planet and how humans are causing the death of so many beautiful species.

Whatsthatsheila · 09/12/2025 12:49

You can cope now with finances work house size etc but what if something changes? Redundancy ill-health of yourselves or a loved one?

you can cope and you are comfortable. Use your time and energy to secure your position and future

Pandorea · 09/12/2025 12:47

I have three as well and it’s great. They are all late teens/early twenties. I couldn’t have imagined adding a fourth though. There is so much laundry as it is! They needed a lot of individual attention as teens especially in the exam years. University support is a lot as well. I think for me there was perfect and four would’ve pushed us over the edge!