Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Talk me out of having a 4th child

62 replies

UppityPanda123 · 09/12/2025 12:33

Posting on AIBU rather than “larger families” as I’m more likely to get the brutally honest opinions I need without selection bias. I also want to preface this by saying I know that we are lucky to have any children, and I am very sorry that there will be women reading this who are struggling to conceive.

I am 36 and recently had my third child. I have two girls and a little boy. This most recent pregnancy was so so hard - I was exhausted, miserable, often felt inexplicably furious, and felt “trapped” somehow. I couldn’t properly look after my other two children and my husband went part time so that he could do more for us. Truly the moment that I gave birth, I was back to my normal self. It was a dramatic change. Postpartum was a breeze compared to pregnancy. I was certain that I was “done” and have just been really focusing on my health since day 1 postpartum so that I can be the best mum that I can be - prioritising sleep, good nutrition, and regular exercise. My baby boy is now 8 months old, we’ve settled into a good rhythm as a family, I feel fitter/stronger than I’ve been in years and now I still feel like one child is missing from our family . My husband would happily have a fourth (or fifth!) if it was up to him, but after my mood plummeting during my third pregnancy I think that even he is worried about what another 9 months of that would do to us as a couple and to the three children we already have. I feel the same. We can afford a 4th child now and in the future (state schools nearby are ok so we can save for university fees etc), we already have a van with enough space for everyone, and we have enough potential bedroom space. I have returned to work and it’s going fine. My husband and I both work nearby (no commute) with compressed hours so that we have time with our children - he has a Friday off, I have Monday and Tuesday off. My concern is the psychological and physical impact (pregnancy is gruelling for me), and wanting to have enough time/energy for the children I already have, both now and as they grow into teens and adults. My parents had me when they were “older” and are both now deceased, so that also gives me pause for thought when considering bringing another life into the world. I miss them every day and I want my children to have more quality time with me in their lives than I had with my own parents - which is also why I’m focusing so much on my health now.

YABU - do NOT have any more children
YANBU - go on, have another baby

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Panicmode1 · 10/12/2025 20:32

We have four and I adore the bones of all of them, we/they are very close....BUT 4 children is hugely exhausting - I had them close together so had 4 under 7 at one point. And they are expensive - the rate they grow at and the numbers of pairs of shoes they get through, the food bills (3 boys 1 girl), driving lessons, the IT/phones/laptops/extra curriculars/school trips, eating out , going to the cinema is over £100 where we are for 6 of us...uni costs etc etc..we had a healthy income and could afford for me to be at home for c. 10 years which was brilliant.

It was all absolutely fine financially until DH was made redundant over 18 months ago...and with two at uni and two still at home it's been tough....luckily he has just found something.

Given my time again, I probably wouldn't choose to have had 4 if I'm being completely honest....but I would totally have my four again if that makes sense!!

Grassinthegarden · 10/12/2025 20:19

Bamfram · 10/12/2025 09:21

I think it really can help to be honest with yourself about your dreams for your children and their future because a lot of those dreams cost money.
Music, tenns, gymnastics lessons, sports, all cost money.
Education, tutoring costs.
Family holidays, school trips.
Not essential, but they definitely cost.
Driving lessons.
It costs a couple of thosand to get a child on the road, not to mind the time involved.
Its a great life skill to have, again not essential.
Personally I thought the primary years were very straightforward but children often need more time and support through secondary.
Being available to them takes time, patience and effort.
Keeping them safe by being available for late night collection, even more so with girls!
University cost serious money, what if they want to do a masters?
Teeth Braces? Privately? eye watering.
Look at the math, its sobering. But you may find comfort from making the decision so that you can provide fully for the 3 that you have.
We stopped at 3 and the above has worked out at hundreds of thousands.

This is helpful!

Bamfram · 10/12/2025 09:21

I think it really can help to be honest with yourself about your dreams for your children and their future because a lot of those dreams cost money.
Music, tenns, gymnastics lessons, sports, all cost money.
Education, tutoring costs.
Family holidays, school trips.
Not essential, but they definitely cost.
Driving lessons.
It costs a couple of thosand to get a child on the road, not to mind the time involved.
Its a great life skill to have, again not essential.
Personally I thought the primary years were very straightforward but children often need more time and support through secondary.
Being available to them takes time, patience and effort.
Keeping them safe by being available for late night collection, even more so with girls!
University cost serious money, what if they want to do a masters?
Teeth Braces? Privately? eye watering.
Look at the math, its sobering. But you may find comfort from making the decision so that you can provide fully for the 3 that you have.
We stopped at 3 and the above has worked out at hundreds of thousands.

Keroppi · 09/12/2025 23:45

I honestly think one of the only way large families work is if you started young and kept going. So you'd have some with big gaps and some closer together.. but I just wouldn't, risk of send/additional needs too high, risk of multiples, job losses, them staying at home until mid 20s/30 likely..

Unless you've got a massive tight knit support system and community local. Like aunts etc and from a culture that helps raise family members kids
I wouldn't do it!

Get a kitten or guinea pigs or something cute. Keep busy. It'll pass

Original poster
UppityPanda123 · 09/12/2025 23:31

When it comes to decision making, I have been “head over heart” all my life about almost everything - apart from this. My head knows what is best but my heart aches when I think that I am done having babies. I actively didn’t want children at all in my 20s, so the joy that family life has brought me has shocked me. The change within me has been profound.

How do people deal with these strong broody feelings when they arise, and are at odds with the logical decision they’ve made not to have another? I will try very hard to just focus on spending time with my children, working to build up my physical health for the years to come, and just keep busy with our family life/home in general. There is so much to do, and it isn’t all to do with children!

Thank you so much to everyone for sharing their serious and humorous reflections and experiences. Do keep them coming if you wish… I suspect a few others in a similar position to me will continue finding this thread!

OP posts:
theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 09/12/2025 22:58

I'm glad you've got to a decision so quickly.

I don't think it's especially unreasonable to have 4 - in fact given the birth rate you might be doing the nation a favour - but it is A LOT, and if you aren't absolutely sure, then don't.

Enjoy your three, it's a good number.

Bamfram · 09/12/2025 22:53

The last child being twins is surprisingly common. It happened in my family, completely unplanned, and after 3 children and a gap of a decade it was the final nail in the coffin that was my parents marriage.
It was just too much.

I have often geard from friends that were in 4-7 children families that they raised each other.
I can well believe it.
They certainly don't recommend it.
I think you are being wise and practical, which I don't think you will regret.
Good luck.

Thesonofaphesantplucker · 09/12/2025 20:40

I’m going to chime in with another ‘hell no!’.

I have 4 DC. The youngest was a little surprise. It has made life sooooooo much harder for us. Everything is so expensive. Life has been out on hold while we get yet ANOTHER child past the annoying toddler stage.

Personally I feel like I have lost the last 11 years of my life being in a continuous fug of babies and toddlers. I just want to move on to a new stage.

I would really love to spend more time with my older children who are at a brilliant age, but the youngest is just at ‘that’ age.

’That’ age (ie. 3!) would be fine, if I didn’t feel like I’ve been stuck there for years and years!

anyway, it’s a hard no from me!

MontythePrince · 09/12/2025 20:30

My third pregnancy was twins, so I have 4 kids. 2.5 year gap between each pregnancy, I was 38 for the last birth. My youngest are ten now, and I found the early years beyond difficult. My marriage suffered, then recovered with some effort and we are solid now.
The greatest joy in my life has been watching my kids develop their relationship with each other. They play, they fight, they make up. They get so much from each other.
It is true they get less one to one time, but I feel that their relationships with each other balance this out.
You can never predict how things will turn out, and there are risks you have to weigh up. Good luck making your decision, it’s a tough one. But I do remember that feeling that there was a child missing, and for me it didn’t return once I had the twins.

Tammygirl12 · 09/12/2025 20:16

I am feeding my 6 month (dc3) right now. I would love another baby but I won’t and mainly for the same reason as you - I can’t give quality time to 4 kids.
also my husband isn’t always helpful, very hit and miss.

TheaBrandt1 · 09/12/2025 19:44

Choosing to parent 4 teens likely through your own menopause?! Why do you hate yourself so much! God no way.

everdine · 09/12/2025 19:43

You might end up with a multiple birth!

Posithor · 09/12/2025 19:29

I was in the same boat - horrendous pregnancy, best post natal with my 3rd felt GREAT until 10 months, which was last month, duno if I've had a hormone shift or what but my body (39) is falling to pieces. I still have pangs of wanting a 4th but I also know the toll on my body is going to be too much.

It's sad knowing her firsts are my lasts so I know how you feel.

Original poster
UppityPanda123 · 09/12/2025 14:54

CheeseIsMyIdol · 09/12/2025 13:19

I don’t understand how people can make family planning decisions without factoring in the possibility of illness, disability, SEN, death, loss of income, etc.

“i feel broody” is not enough in 2025.

Show quote history

I think I was a little misunderstood. What I really meant is that I take my husband’s good health a little for granted, which is natural to some extent as we actively prioritise our health and are pretty clean living. I don’t think many people have children thinking “I’m only doing this because I know that neither of us will die or get ill, and I am 100% sure that we will cope with any SEN, loss of income or death.” Family planning decisions like this are often a balance of probabilities. I think as a family we would cope with any of the above but obviously it wouldn’t be something we would wish for and it would be a challenge, as it is for anyone in those circumstances.

Anyway I will not be having a 4th - and thank you everyone for reassurances about having 3. I feel very fortunate that things are working for now, and although there will be challenges ahead we will deal with them more easily without an additional child.

OP posts:
Katemax82 · 09/12/2025 14:53

UppityPanda123 · 09/12/2025 12:39

Thank you both for your insights. I think you’re right @Katemax82that I need to choose my sanity. You also paint a pretty realistic picture of the future.

Yes, I adore all my kids but life is HARD

Original poster
UppityPanda123 · 09/12/2025 14:46

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 09/12/2025 14:17

I’m from a group of 3, no issues. Same with others I know who are one of three. Maybe your sample contains all the anomalies.

Show quote history

Thank you! I think part of the “push” from within me for a 4th is that I keep hearing this idea trotted out that groups of 3 siblings all hate each other (or just one of them) but groups of 2 or 4 are always perfect Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
UppityPanda123 · 09/12/2025 14:45

Thanks everyone. I think the big one coming out of this is the importance of quality time with each child, especially as teens. That and obviously the risk of another dreadful pregnancy and/or not bouncing back in terms of health. I also want to maintain a good relationship with my husband and that isn’t achievable if we have nothing left emotionally/psychologically from children.

I don’t think that more children = more grandchildren and cousins. My husband is the youngest of 5 children. His parents never gave them the quality time and emotional connection that they needed, and his siblings all think that this is a large part of the reason why none of the rest of them will have children and why the rest of them struggle so much to have any normal romantic relationship (I’m sure there’s more to it). So, no cousins for our children on either side of the family!

OP posts:
hoodiemassive · 09/12/2025 14:22

I was desperate for a fourth op, but my body didn’t oblige. Now my boys are teens who eat like locusts and fill every inch of the house, I am so relieved I just stopped at three.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 09/12/2025 14:17

user86397409754 · 09/12/2025 12:44

My husband is one of 3 siblings that have a fractious adult relationship. He is very much of the opinion that 3 is a disaster, so he’d tell you to have another one, or probably not to have had the 3rd one, but too late for that!

I think he does have a point, friends that are 2 siblings or bigger 4+ families seem to rub along okay. All the ones I know that are at war or no contact seem to be from groups of three!

I’m from a group of 3, no issues. Same with others I know who are one of three. Maybe your sample contains all the anomalies.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 09/12/2025 14:14

“wanting to have enough time/energy for the children I already have, both now and as they grow into teens and adults”

Out of everything you’ve said, this is the important bit. Leave it at three.

Bearlionfalcon · 09/12/2025 14:14

Allswellthatendswelll · 09/12/2025 12:46

I'm one of three, two girls and a boy, and it's great! The thing is you shouldn't keep having kids for some idea of sibling relationship as you really can't engineer these things. The best thing you can do for your kids isn't lots of siblings, its a happy parent.

Edited
Show quote history

This is good advice. I have three and I don’t know if I’d have even had the third if I’d manage to quiet my monkey brain …. The pregnancy was so much worse at nearly 40, and though I would love to have one more baby in my heart, realistically know I can’t manage a fourth - pregnancy or child! I used to say if money were no object I’d have a fourth. But now I see it’s not really money that you have a scarce supply of - it’s yourself as a mum. Your mental and physical bandwidth. My eldest is now diagnosed with SEND ( we didn’t realise this when we tried for DC3 and there is no history of her needs in our family) …. it now takes up a huge amount of my time and energy supporting her at home and battling for what she needs at school, not to mention worrying about her future. Youngest DS is also much more demanding now at nearly 2 than he was as a small baby. And of course middle child…. who wants to do a million activities, and who I constantly have to guard against feeling left out, overlooked etc! I would love four or five children, I love babies and I would even love a gang of five teenagers I think - but the truth is that I just couldn’t be the mum I want to be to four children and that, in the end, means we have to be done.

ffdsrgb · 09/12/2025 14:10

OP I’m pregnant currently with my much longed for fourth child.

My older three have been up all night puking and now today I’ve spent all day being sick myself while trying to look after them and being massively pregnant. 😵‍💫 They’ve done nothing but watch tv today while I try and sleep on the sofa in short bursts.

Physically I’ve found this pregnancy much harder than my previous ones too.

RomeoRivers · 09/12/2025 14:02

Hi, we are the same 👋
3 kids just turned: 5, 3, 1 (GBG)
I’m 36 next week.
No financial restraints.
I’m one of 5 which is why I want so many; I believe the best gift you can give your kids is a big potential support network.
We will try for no.4 either in May or Jan 27.
More babies = more grandchildren + cousins 😂

Tryingatleast · 09/12/2025 13:46

I have 4 and love our family but your op is literally a list of why you don’t think you’d have any more imo! It doesn’t sound like you want it and believe me it’s a huge jump- all order goes out the window!!

CatHairEveryWhereNow · 09/12/2025 13:46

We started out wanting 3 - I'm middle one of three and DH an only - wavered about having a forth after first baby we were so smitten.

Third pg new area pg itself was fine medical care was utterly dire - we never quite got on same page at same time about another after that and it took so long to move out that area. Also during third pg life happened and money went from managable tight to extremely tight - and Dh had road traffic accident and while there was some help it wasn't as much as hoped - it was mainly Dh and I.

When we did move kids had own bedrooms and we had more disposable income and enjoyed doing more with them- and age gap between youngest and any next child would have been at 5 nearly 6 nearly twice of that between oen we had. Dh became a definite no and I was probably no when youngest hit 7 I was a glad we didn't - it was peak kids clubs and running round.

They've been good teens mostly but money got ever tighter over the years - even now I only have one at home and likely for only next 18 months and miss busy household I still think 3 was our limit and don't feel regrets even though with good medical care in last pg we'd have likely gone on to have a fourth.