MIL that invites herself to everything

i don't think YABU. it's lovely to have grandparents at some school events but they should wait to be invited by you as it does change the dynamic. i make sure to invite my mum and MIL to certain events (sports day, concerts) but i would not want them at everything for various reasons. it's having the app that is causing this issue as they have clearly take having info about events as an open invite. you are the parents, you should invite them as apporopriate. they don't have an open invite to all school events - this is your motherhood not theirs and you are entitled to have some events that they are not at.

i think your DH needs to have a chat and explain while you are very happy to have them come to some events they should check first etc.

and i say all this as someone very close to their family who's recognised the importance, blessing and help of having grandparents closely involved in our family life.

That's not a white lie. It's a great big blatant lie.

She obviously loves the kids.
Try sitting away from her, she really won’t mind.

It must be sad when you no longer have children at home. These events, being around children must feel like medicine for her. Well done on not venting to your husband.

Remind yourself that one day you will be in her shoes. That's what I say to myself when I feel my MIL is being pushy. She just misses family life.x

I would tell mil the school have complained about to many people turning up to these events that arent direct family/care givers and tell her she needs to cut down on coming to them. Little white lie never hurt anyone!

This Is a tricky one. Initially I was thinking how mean, but then I like my MIL (who is a wonderful person) but thinking back to my Ex-MIL (who is a mean and spiteful person) I actually would have hated this and felt like she was stealing memories from me by intruding.

Even with the above, having people show up for you as a child is amazing and makes you feel worthy and loved, so as much as she’s stealing from you, I know you wouldn’t want to steal from them.

Sounds like the OPs MIL invites herself. That isn't okay or normal behaviour

You have my sympathy, it’s going to be a bit of a bugger to alter this without really hurting her feelings. I don’t see how you can. I know that’s no help to you. I just wanted to say I get it because you’ve had so much criticism.

Sure, it’s nice for extended family to attend some school events but watching the event with them is going to be different than sitting with mum friends. In that situation the friends are likely to feel more familiar because they are equally involved and more fun because you will be enjoying each other’s children.

Good luck

This

Is she that awful?

I liked my MIL coming to the Nativity/school play or whatever it was. The kids did too. Always feel a bit sad at Christmas as she died some years ago.

Try appreciating people when you have them - even if they're imperfect.

I'd sit with both my friends and my MIL/mum. What's so bad about that?

Look i dont adore my MIL so I totally get the annoyance. But I also think its nice for the kids to have their granny there and its lovely that she wants to come. Family comes first.

Wow does the school allow so many people to attend? My school has a 2 ticket limit for any indoor event as it was getting out of hand with so many people turning up as some people would invite wider family, which then made other people have to stand which became a H&S risk. By giving 2 tickets per event it usually limits numbers (although I recently went to something where people clearly ignored this limit and decided children of any age did not count so turned up with mum, dad and teens which then meant people had to stand as it wasn't expected to have so many extras).

You’re getting some harsh replies. I understand it’s getting a bit much. She will have had all of these experiences with her own kids and now she’s kind of gatecrashing yours aswell no matter how nice her intentions.

You’ve got 3 choices. Continue as it is but just don’t babysit her at the events.
Have an awkward conversation with her.
Remove her access to the app/force a log out/change password etc. Make an effort to share the photos and some of the events but keep some back.

To be honest though, one of my school mum friends always had her mum in tow. It never bothered me, she was very nice and they weren’t joined at the hip.

I’d tell her that it’s lovely to see her at things, but that’s it’s important for you to build and have relationships with the other parents, both for you and your DS and at some things you need to focus more on these.

It’s nice that she wants to come to things, but to invite herself to everything is an overstep. You are in no way being unreasonable to feel this. We love my DM and MIL, but wouldn’t want them at everything. We enjoy some time just us and with other parents.

Y kids love it when their grandad comes. It is the only grandparent they have.
Lots come to the school and none of the parents seem tied to them. Sit where you want.

II totally understand how you feel OP, this would wind me up. It’s one thing having a good relationship with your MIL and inviting her to events that you want her to be involved in. But every single event is tiring, and yes of course you want to socialise with the friends you have made rather than be obliged to sit with her for the whole event.

Your MIL is really cheeky inviting herself. It’s overbearing and you really need to speak to your husband.

Ignore previous posters that have made out you are mean, but it’s the opposite, you’re being too nice! She’s coming to every single event, not just one or two events in the year.

Summed up perfectly.

Change the password. Tell her everyone has been informed only one person can have the log in "for safeguarding reasons" and that it has to be a parent.

Wow, you sound pretty mean. My mother lived in another city and my MIL had no interest in her grandchildren. And I mean no interest - one of my sons will graduate with a medical degree in January and I doubt she is even aware of that. I'd have loved for my MIL to be interested. To the best of my knowledge she has never actually touched her grandchildren - she never picked up my children as babies or toddlers. My mother did have a close relationship despite living in another city and she was loved by both her grandchildren fiercely. They couldn't care less about my MIL because she never tried to have any connection with them. This was not a DIL cutting out my husband's mother - she simply wasn't interested. In fact, they were much more fond of my husband's stepmother who took an interest in them and was very inclusive and welcoming

You need to be more assertive and phase her out.

Next time she says she's coming tell her that you have agreed to sit with friends and won't be able to sit with her.

Also do not give her a lift or drop her home.

This is totally overbearing. This is your life with your young kids she has had hers.

Of course some events is normal.but.not assuming she will be there at all events

I completely understand that you want some to just be a a simple turn up and chat with other mums.

You need to set boundaries get her off that app immediately and just.be clear about it.

I bet your H would change his tune if he had your mum turning up three times a week to hang out with him when he did stuff with the kids

Did you ask your dc if they’d like for gran to be there ? Does your dh feel happy for his mum to be at the event ?

You do make it sound all about you and your friends.

It’s not the family life they are against , it’s the MIL . If it’s their own mothers they are different.

My nan came to everyone of my concerts, sports days, choirs ect. So did my mum. I loved them both being there because they were my family. Why is everyone so against having a whole family life ? I know it's not everyone's demographic but can't understand why if you are lucky enough to have grandparents who care and love your children and want to share their childhood why it's a problem. Remember its your child you depriving as well as their grandparents.

Well, OP, I must be as uncharitable as you because this would have pissed me off majorly. It’s one thing inviting them to this or that thing - but everything? Whether or not you’re going? Without an invitation or coordination - just telling you she will be there? Nah, it’s too much.

When my DC were little our school had a grandparents’ day (because so many grandparents were paying their GDC fees!) and it was lovely. The children rehearsed songs and dances specifically and displayed the year’s artwork, science projects etc. Parents were NFI, and to this day it remains something between my DC and my PILs. It’s lovely they have that to themselves. We always invited them to piano recitals, always to graduations (in fact, I don’t care for graduations so they went with DH and had a great time!). I would have hated them being there for every single thing. I wouldn’t have wanted all my young childhood memories being shared memories with my PILs. They encroach too much as it is, cherry picking the best bits. I would never have shared the app.

Just remove her from the app. Say it’s for parents only

This post I was reading was someone who was complaining that her mother-in-law hardly ever wanted to make any effort to see their grandchildren. And you, you got the opposite problem. Your mother-in-law is making too much effort to see her grandchildren as far as your concerned. Other people are right, she's not 5 years old, she shows up to these events you don't have to sit with her and talk with her and baby sit her. You don't have to save her a seat, you don't have to exclude the other mothers or your other friends. You didn't invite her, she's inviting herself. Don't worry about it. Just make eye contact give a little wave smile and that's the end of it. She's not there to see you or sit with you or talk to you anyway, she's there to see her grandkids.