MIL that invites herself to everything

I think it’s lovely for a grandparent to be so involved and your son will have lots of happy memories of his Gran making the effort to see him in school events. She will probably ease off a bit once the novelty wears off and the years go by.

I’m sure you can still chat to school mums and introduce them to your MIL or just let her know you’ll be sitting elsewhere but see her afterwards.

Both my parents worked shifts, so my grandparents came to a lot of school things in their place. Somebody made a strange comment to me once, turned out a smaller child had got confused and told her family my parents were dead 🤣.

Change the password and say the school have reviewed the allowances on the app for safety to one/two logins per child! Frankly I’m surprised the school allow multiple logins to begin with! Problem solved

I remember the thrill of doing a school play or other school performance and standing nervously in the wings looking out nervous about my performance and worried my parents might be late, and then there they were and my grandparents too! Oh what a joy. Suddenly I felt brave and elated and ready to go on. Because there was my safety net, my support, my family.

Yes, I can see it might be a bit of a pain. But, to be frank, this isn’t about you. It’s not about social opportunities with your school mums’ brigade, it’s about your children.

So really the question is, do they like her coming? If so, you just need to suck it up.

If you can kick her out of the app, just do that.

If not, don't be daft. Smile and wave at her, and stick with your friends. Just be firm if she tries to intrude, but in a pleasant way: oh do rush to find a seat, they're getting busy fast, we have kept this for friend, we don't want to hold you, see you after.

Be smiley, but very firm and play as stupid as needed.

You are not her babysitter, she's intruding and very rude not to ask if it's ok - many schools do not allow unlimited family members - they take the space of genuine parents who should have priority to see their own kids!

I think she sounds suffocating. I have an extended family member who I’m estranged from (not a grandparent) who is like this, and takes delight in turning up to things she’s not invited to.

I think the key thing here is she’s not being invited by you, she is inviting herself. It’s very boundary crossing. In situations like this you end up feeling like she’s an extra parent in the mix. There is a big difference between inviting someone along and them feeling entitled to invite themselves.

As you obviously seem to get along with her fine aside if this (I assume that by you giving her access to the app and photos etc) I think you are going to have to tolerate it because you have made the rod for your own back. If you want to sit with your friends though, you should do that. Your MIL can choose to either join you or sit alone.

@Charboo I was going to suggest exactly what Leopardspota said. I think it would be different if you had invited her but inviting herself doesn't mean you have to entertain her all the time, especially if she is overbearing.

Where is DH in all of this?

Can’t you just say ‘great I’m sure DS will love to see you, I’ve already arranged to sit with Sam and Josie, so I might see you at the end!’

This! I find it rather odd that someone who isn’t the child’s parent/guardian can access school photos…does this mean any random person can join the group? I’d be questioning this with the school governors.

She might think because you included her on the app that you wanted her to go to these events. I think it's really nice that she wants to do it. My daughter invites me to all of grandson's school things and I will go whenever I can make it even though actually I find them mostly a bit boring but I love him and want to support and encourage him. She's probably doing the same

Does DC like granny being there?

I voted YANBU but I think you need to find the middle ground.

Take a breath and work out which events you would have invited her to and arrange to co-ordinate finding her/sitting with her. Then make it clear for the other events that it's nice she can attend but you've arranged to catch up with friends/sit with specific parents/whatever and leave her to sort herself.

Have your bundaries [great buzz word on MN] sit with your friends, wave to mil and have a chat when you get a chance.
Mil obviously loves the kids and wants to be involved. You say she lives 40 minutes away, she's not rocking up at your door with suitcases unanounced and staying for a week at a time.
OP A,B, C and others on here are likely to be mil in the future, Be mindful not to want to be involved too much with gc, take your own advice and stand right back, because if you don't your own dil will be on here moaning about YOU.

I think you sound rather unkind.

Obviously you really don’t like the poor woman. My mil never came to anything at all ever at my childrens’ school. Never showed one bit of interest.
I can’t wait to attend grandchildren events in the future.
Just tell her you want to sit with your own friends if you’re that precious about it. For what’s it’s worth as well, my own mum came to everything, would you feel differently if your mum was the one coming along to everything?

Does she expect lifts to and from the events? Regardless, every event would bug me too

It wouldn't bother me, my mum was still working when my kids were little and mum in law lived a long way away but it's bothering you. Can't you sit with mum in law and your friends?

I like it. My MIL is so focused on her grandson (SIL’s son) she doesn’t bother with our daughter.
My parents go to all the events that they can go too for my daughter and niece. Sometimes if we’re stuck at work they go instead of us!
I remember vividly my nanna and grandad coming to the school assemblies etc I loved it!
My grandparents on my dads side again were preoccupied with my cousins (dads sisters children) they didn’t come and see me and my sister.
I am going to my nieces school show on Thursday (so I must be overstepping, even though my niece has asked me to go!)

You sound quite childish OP. You can sit with who you want.

You’ll find that a lot of people advising you to stop her don’t have the opportunity of an interested granny.
You’re being childish. I don’t know how this stops you from making friends at the kids’ school. As pp said, save her a seat next to you and your friends, or sit with your friends away from them.
It’s not that big a deal.

I used to have a lovely friend come to see my children’s play like an adopted granny. It made those moments extra special. Really blessed she did that

Sit with your friends. I would find this irritating as hell. She should only come if invited by you two.

You just dont like her, and that is completely fine.

After you have dealt with the fact this is now a fixture in your life, you can stop and have a brief chat and then say I told so and so that I would sit with them.. see you after the service.

Obviously by giving MIL the app and access to all the events, she has seen that as an open invitation.

I think it's fine for her to come but you shouldn't feel like you have to babysit and you need to be clear that you will be there but you busy doing mum stuff. The not feeling like your allowed to do what you need to do and instead have to babysit would piss me off too.

My MIL & FIL go to all the school events but we invite them. They want to see their grandkids and our children love having them there to watch their performance, assembly, PE etc. Your kids probably love having their Granny there.