MIL that invites herself to everything

I’m shocked at how many people see no problem with someone anyone just constantly inviting themselves to events they are not actually invited to....... but that is not the case here! OP invited her onto an app that contains invitations to school events - so, surprise surprise, she comes to them!

Most if they wouldn’t be okay with it. It’s just become really normal on here to find a way to make everything the posters fault. It’s so weird.

Grandma of one here. I wait to be asked and follow what the couple want as far as involvement goes. Have never declined , but if they want me there they will ask. I end up going to half the events and would fill in if the parents were ill or tied up with work. But they can plan shifts ahead as nhs. Mil has had her day and should not impose without being asked. I have my own life, friends and close family. Do not want to appear needy

My oldest is in year 3 and my in laws have never, not once, turned up to anything. It's my youngest's nativity tomorrow, they are doing it twice and I'm immensely grateful to my mum that she's doing the 2 hour drive to turn up to both as DH and I can't make it. I'll take a slightly overbearing but interested grandparent over a disinterested one every time.

I really don't see what the problem is tbh. If she's turning up so frequently surely she will develop relationships of her own within the school and you're actually under no obligation to sit with her? Just say hi, then go sit with your friends.

I feel the same - i would love the grandparents to be interested in the day to day and really get to know my son

I think you're being a bit ridiculous OP. Kids are only small for a few years and she's doing absolutely no harm. I'd be utterly delighted if I had a lovely MIL who wanted to be involved in my kids lives.

Op added her to view the photos. Not as a here’s his school diary. She shouldn’t have to say don’t come. Mil should ask to come or wait to be invited.

If you constantly invite yourself to things rather than being asked to come I’d hazard a yes.

The MIL did not do this!! The OP put her on the app voluntarily! If she had told her that although she was on the app and reading what was going on she did not wish her to turn up to anything then the MIL would have known what the form was!

And the assumption that because MIL comes along to support her GC she must by definition be "overstepping" in other ways is just nuts!

Wow. What I would have given to have my MIL wanting to be involved in my kids’ lives. Or my own parents.

Remove her from the app!

If you constantly invite yourself to things rather than being asked to come I’d hazard a yes.

Id hazard this isn’t the only way mil over steps.

Does one instantly become persona non grata when MIL status arrives?

I don't understand why you don't just say fantastic I'm going too, I'll see you there.

I wouldn't feel the need to search her out and sit with her, she is a grown up!

And it's great she's going so you don't have to attend everything.

Honestly? I think this is a couple of issues. If I were running a school, I’d be a bit annoyed if the details of the parents / guardians app were given out to wider family members. If she is using your log in, change the password.

Secondly, turn up early to events and sit near the front. Someone upthread said to save her a seat - ARGH!!! It may be that there are school events where holding seats for others is okay but quite a few of the ones I went to were fairly sharp elbowed. It was a real heart sink moment whenever anyone said “Save me a seat!” because it was so embarrassing to have people keep coming up to ask if anyone was sitting there.

Why not go round peoples houses or have them come to you for play dates or whatever and dont tell her. That way you get to see your friends. Or as some suggested if something is coming up just change your password.

Sorry but what!!

You should be pleased she takes an interest .
It is about supporting your child and surely the more people that love him the better ?

Children

step 1 get her off the app
step 2 tell her she can only come to certain events (eg winter fair, summer fair) as there are limited tickets for other events

honestly kids notice - there was this one in my kids class that in an open classroom event (where it's already crammed with 2 parents per child) that had both parents, 4 grandparents AND the nanny! FFS

I think you’re being massively unreasonable. It’s lovely that she cares enough to turn up to these things. My parents-in-law have never been bothered. You can sit wherever you want, she’s a grown adult, she doesn’t need you to babysit her.

I think this post sums it up best. I wouldn’t like this at all OP - she maybe means well but it sounds like it is overbearing. Try and get her off the app. Or tell her the school have requested that it’s only parents and guardians that should have the app and ask her to delete it. You can still invite her to things at your own choosing. This would drive me nuts.

I am talking about on this thread and not in real life, where the men I know, including my own husband, are much more involved in their family life than is evident from this chain.

I’m shocked at how many people see no problem with someone anyone just constantly inviting themselves to events they are not actually invited to.

If they shared a medical plan would it be ok for her to just rock up to every appointment because it’s on the calendar?

Sit with your friends. She's a grown woman and if she's coming for the grandkids shouldn't expect you to entertain/babysit her. Obviously don't blank her completely though.

Travelling 40 mins for a 45 minute service is a bit OTT though, even my own mother would think I've gone bonkers if I suggested she might like to do that!

The non stop talking suggests she hasn't got anyone else to talk to, so sees you as her social life where all the stuff she wants to say comes tumbling out. My MIL is a bit like that, you get her on the phone and she will ramble away about all sorts, but she doesn't invite herself to everything going.

But yes, sit with your friends and if she moans about you not sitting and talking with her, that's a conversation for your DH to have with her. She can't hog you as her complete social life if that means you lose yours, that isn't fair.

If I become a mil, I will wait to be invited and then join in enthusiastically and with love. I will not assume I should attend every event. I will not assume that either as a grandmother.

A grandparent sitting with a parent and their school mum friends def alters the dynamic a bit. I would hate to feel that I needed to be ‘babysat’ too. I just don’t see the need for it at every single event!

And I don’t presume to be invited everywhere in my life now. So I won’t do that as a mil either.

I can see how it's a bit annoying, how about a compromise - get her off the app, but feed her a lower number of events so she can still be involved?

My MIL has FOMO about everything, but I have no problem putting her on an information diet, because she literally froze out her own MIL to the extent that they have no relationship with any of their cousins/aunts etc on that side. We have a decent relationship with her, but my husband did warn me that she'd happily squish out my family entirely.

Several things here:

1. The OP has effectively invited her by linking her to the app. If she had linked her and said - just look at it but don't come to anything, her position might have been clearer.
2. It is hard to understand why she might not want to invite her anyway for all the reasons that people have stated above. If this is someone she dislikes, then she should not have linked her to the app.
3. The reason given for not wanting her there is that the OP wants to sit with her friends - how does MIL being there stop her doing that? Just sit with friends and when MIL arrives politely introduce her. The friends will think better of her for that than if she just cold shoulders her.
4. Have you asked your son if he likes her coming?
5. What do you think will happen when you become the MIL? What lessons will your child have learned from you? You reap what you sow.