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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel like this is a shit way to treat your daughter?

53 replies

Headinner · 08/12/2025 21:19

Ex left me in pregnancy. He didn’t see DD until she was 1.5 years old. So he missed her birth her first birthday and left me to pick up everything. I had to claim CMS before he would contribute financially.

Since he met DD he has been a constant in her life. He sees her regularly but she has never stayed over as his shift pattern means it is difficult and he lives very far from her nursery. This means I have been really flexible with him coming into my home so he can have those moments of putting her to bed and and reading a story etc. She turned three in July and my parents have a large field at the back of their house. They offered to host the party. Ex dp came and I was ok with this despite my initial reaction at them wanting to invite him was one of hurt and shock.

They talked me round that it was best for DD that he was there. I felt uncomfortable as I felt like he was in ‘my’ life rather than just in DD ‘s life, as all my family were there. DD had a good day and I am glad I did it as it was important for her.

fast forward a few months and exdp has started being unpleasant with me, saying I am to blame for him not seeing Dd the first 1.5 years and so on. I’ve distanced myself from him and he still sees her but we don’t have a chat before he leaves to say much at all to each other anymore.

my mum has told me today that she has bought ex DP a few gifts (!!!) for Christmas as she hopes he comes (it’s being hosted at my parents) and that she doesn’t want him to feel left out. I feel sick and sad that my mum could do this. Surely after what he did to her daughter a card is enough??! She said she didn’t think it would be nice to not include him when everyone is sharing presents round and that she has asked my brother to also buy something for him.

I can’t even be bothered with a row with her but I just feel gutted she would even think like this. I don’t want him there on Christmas Day and he will likely see Dd in the evening anyway so he won’t be with my family but it’s not the point, they’ve assumed he will be there and seem to want to welcome him with open arms?! AIBU?

OP posts:
Pollqueen · 08/12/2025 21:33

This. Your mother is way out of line and you need to sit her down and spell it out to her. It is not up to her to facilitate a relationship between your ex and your daughter

If she insists on inviting him I would flatly refuse to go and my daughter wouldn't be going either. I had a mother very similar to this and I'm raging on your behalf

Original poster
Headinner · 08/12/2025 21:27

@theunbreakablecleopatrajones i feel really upset by it. The way my mum was telling me about the gifts was like she wanted a reaction from me. It’s just so shitty.

OP posts:
theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 08/12/2025 21:24

Yep, you need to tell her she is way overstepping, you will decide what events he comes to and that does not include Christmas.

Of course you want him in your daughter's life, but he needs to be kept at some distance for your mental health and for your daughter's mental health in case he should fuck off again.

So all invites to family events are to be run past you.

Do not enter a debate - these are your rules.

She's probably just trying to play happy families (and is perhaps a bit thick?) so don't take it personally just be firm.

I think your daughter's party is OK if he's behaving well, although they ought to have asked, but certainly not him coming to your family Christmas - divorced / separated couples don't do that, your daughter can celebrate with him on Boxinv day or whenever she sees him - they need their own traditions.

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