To feel like this is a shit way to treat your daughter?

Yes, they should understand that but they clearly don't so you're going to have to spell it out for them.

I would give her the reaction I feel. Be open and if she is then a disappointment you get to decide your next boundary.
She is being really inappropriate. Be clear that he is your ex, that he is being difficult and you are no longer bending over backwards to accommodate him. He sorts out his own visitation arrangements, he is not invited to anything that you are attending and I would hope your brother is on your side but I would message him and say who knows why mum wants you to buy my abusive ex a gift but unless you have some laxative laced chocolates going spare, please don’t bother.

see how they behave and go from there. It’s telling that hit are scared of being difficult. Be difficult - people start treating you better. If they don’t sod them - what was the point if they were never in your side?

I understand manners and putting on a good face for things but as ive grown older I also learned about boundaries here is my opinion take them or leave them

1, he needs to sort out caring for his own child at his own place he isnt respectful of you he doesn't get to come into your place and play daddy you have to work around your child he can do the same

2, your parents are clearly of an opinion that family should stay together and are trying to bring him in to the fold you dont need to be kind and put up with this its diminishing your experience and validating his piss poor behaviour because "no parent would invite their child's abuser for dinner right?" And "he cant have been THAT bad SHE must have done something to him" so I would not attend i would suggest to my ex times he can have her and cook for myself

Taking control can be peaceful

Of course they are taking his side. They are bending over backwards to treat a man, who abandoned their pregnant daughter and who ignored her and his own baby daughter for 18 months, with more kindness and generosity than they have shown to OP.

If someone treated my daughter like that, I would be icily polite if he was in my grandchild's life but I certainly wouldn't treat him like the flipping prodigal son and kill the fatted calf for him. I also wouldn't fawn over him in a way that made my daughter feel uncomfortable.

She probably hasn’t got a crystal ball so didn’t realise he was going to be a shit father. Why do people say this ? People aren’t psychic.

My mother did this when I separated from DC1s father. He was still invited to everything, still given presents and cards at Xmas, on birthdays etc. She refused to take down our wedding photo, even when I'd met and remarried my second husband. Apparently it was to "keep (my) DC1 happy"....but by upsetting her own DC in the process? I have forgiven her for a lot of things since she passed, but this is something I could never get past

You won't be depriving your daughter of anything by not spending Christmas with your parents , there are lots of other days she can spend with them . They seem to be trying to orchestrate a happy family that doesn't exist. I think it's time you went the formal route for custody . Your parents shouldn't have a say in any of it . Have a special day with your daughter make your own traditions.

I think I would tell them that if they want to spend Christmas Day with him that’s up to them but you’ll be staying at home. And you visit them Christmas Eve/Boxing Day instead. No way would I tolerate playing happy families like that with a man who dumped me when pregnant.

I think you’re absolutely right, @Headinner. Some posters on here are, as ever, being obtuse and odd.

OP, your mother sounds so disloyal.
What are your parents thinking inviting him to the party without your permission.
Awful.

What is your situation?
Because it reeks of toxic parents that think they know best.

You need to start thinking exactly what works for you.

Are your parents hugely involved in childcare that they seem to think they decide about him and inviting him to Christmas?

Is it time you pulled back from them?
It does read as the actions of a Narc-ish parent.

Perhaps rethink Christmas with them.

Your parents need shit spelt out to them clearly.
Time to be very clear on what you expect from them.
If they are providing huge support, can you do without it realistically?
Huge support often comes with huge strings attached.

This. She's either a bit (very dim) or a massive shit stirrer.

Either way, put your foot down.

I just wouldn’t go.

I have Narc parents and they have nearly finished me off with their bullshit over the years.

Your Mum is giving off huge pick me vibes ..really unpleasant and unsupportive..sorry OP 💐

saying I am to blame for him not seeing Dd the first 1.5 years and so on

I know this isn't your main question, but even if this were true in any way, only the most useless of fathers wouldn't have tried to fight you hard in the courts to gain the right to see his child.

How does he explain why, bless him, he just couldn't quite find it in his heart to be bothered enough to do this?

No no no no no. Your mum’s loyalty lies with you and your child. Not with your ex partner. She should do whatever she can to support the relationship that your child has with her father, supposing it’s mutual and beneficial for you and your child, otherwise she needs to back off. She should be taking direction from you on this, not the other way round. She’s out of line. You call the shots!

Very strange behaviour of her. My sister is no longer with the father of her children. There is no way he's invited to the family Christmas, and certainly not without checking with my sister first, and no one would buy him any gifts.

Stay home and have a Christmas for two. Ask you dad about his exes from before your mum on all your future visits, in her presence of course 😈

I have a mother like this. It is utterly gut wrenching to see betrayal in all its glory AND be expected to be somehow grateful for keeping him involved. He left you at your most vulnerable and doesn’t deserve the steam off your coffee. Your mum sounds like mine - she could not or would not deal with having a divorced daughter and would regularly side with my abusive ex on the basis that he didn’t raise his fist to me.

We are civil now but I will never ever ever forgive her for that.

I would send a clear message to both of your parents explaining that he did not treat you or DD well at the beginning of her life, while you want him to be in DD's life he has started being unpleasant to you and this takes a toll. So while overall you agree it's in DD's best interests for her dad to be at her birthday party, Christmas is different and you are not comfortable with him being invited for Christmas and it will spoil the day for you and that you will ensure that DD gets to spend time with him over christmas. This is your boundary. You cannot let this set a precedent so if there is any pushback or they invite him or you show up and he is there then you will need to say you and DD are not attending or just leave (enforcing your boundary).

I don't understand why you haven't already exploded at your mum inviting your ex for Christmas, what possessed her to do such a thing? The gifts and telling your brother to buy one is just ridiculous.

I would tell her that she can invite who she likes at Christmas but the fact she's invited your ex is extremely hurtful and if she insists on him being there you and your daughter won't be. You are not together, so he celebrates Christmas apart from you, in his own place and you make arrangements when he can see daughter. I've never ever heard of an ex having Christmas with their ex and family, it's really weird of your mother to invite him.

This isn't on.
Is she hoping you will get back together as she is ashamed of you being a single mum or something? (not that that is fair at all!)
How long were you together?

You don't have to put up with it though. You get a say. Find your voice, if your ex is invited then you're making alternative arrangements. Get a grip.

YANBU. I wouldn’t go to see my parents on Christmas Day if they did that. As you don’t want your DD to miss out, I would pop along for a short visit and not give them the times so they can’t arrange it with your ex.

Perhaps add a few extra gifts for the boyfriend your mum had before your dad as well.

I think you need to tell your mum that you and DD won’t be coming if your ex is. You need to set proper boundaries and be an example for your child. Don’t allow others to treat you badly.

"They were following your example of how you maintained a civil relationship with dd dad for the sake of dd"

But op says they had to convince her into the birthday party etc. She didn't want that and they've railroaded their opinions on her. And because that happened to work out ok they now feel entitled to do the same again. But the situation has changed and ops ex has become difficult and nasty towards her. So they aren't just following her example- they're doing what THEY think is best. And the issue with that is that it's not their call - its OPs decision as the mother and the full time provider.

It is a betrayal. DM is sticking her nose in when it’s not wanted.

They could have asked you first who you wanted to see at Xmas.

Does she often disrespect like this? How much does she do for you and DD?

You’ll have to talk it through with DM calmly. List why you’re hurt, why she’s behaved badly and why she’s risking your and DD’s wellbeing.