to feel i hate my 3 teenage sons

Your 16 yo could be off to uni in a couple of years- what do you think he’ll do when he wants a snack? Yes, he’ll resort to something like a jam sandwich unless he turns into a gym bunny or something.

My son was not great between 12 and 16 but things chilled out a lot once he started college. It might be a coincidence but he enjoyed being treated more like an adult at college and having laxer rules at home. For example he could tell me he was going out rather than ask if he can.

You mentioned in an update that you might be too controlling. That’s going to end up with conflict as teens naturally want to rebel. I would try treating the older ones in particular older and using the power that you do have - no lifts to football without filling the dishwasher beforehand or whatever. They might end up missing the odd practice but if they don’t think that you’re serious then they will take the piss.

The 12 yo is copying his brothers so I would focus on changing their behaviour. He needs to see the older ones face consequences like no pocket money or you’ll have years (decade plus) of disrespect coming your way (including the 7yo!)

Are they getting spoiled for Christmas by any chance ?

That’s a very good idea. It’s not fair that’s it’s OP who has to be the bad cop.

I always got DH to enforce chores for teen boys. The way he does it is to do it with them (overseeing rather than doing), teach them as he goes and also pay them some monthly pocket money. That way it's not a woman job and they learn and listen a tiny tad better.

It sounds like there’s no common ground or shared enjoyment and it’s just a battle over chores.

Is there anything you enjoy doing with them individually? What are the things you do like about your sons? I’d try and really focus on what is good - they’re doing well in school? Amazing! Do they know and hear you’re proud of them? Do you have any involvement in helping them with school work? You’re obviously doing something right. Dad takes them to football but do you listen to their chat about this? Watch matches on telly with themor something that gets you involved.

My son loves football, rugby, PlayStation, nerf guns etc nothing I’m remotely interested in but I am now! I know about his achievements in his matches, his favourite players, the best gaming characters - I’ll laugh with him when he shows me his you tube reels that he finds funny, lll shoot him with a nerf gun! Basically I try to be a part of his world. It works, we get on, he’s very caring and witty and using humour helps with him doing chores, sometimes it feels like a battle but it works better 1000% when there is connection before correction - I completely buy into this.

I agree with somebody above who said 14 and 15 are the hardest of ages.

Call a family meeting. Make sure you and Dh are on the same page and that you know what you will be talking about ahead of time. Keep on topic. Have a tick list and write down what is said.

Tell them you are raising them to be capable adults, point that out to them that everything you both do now from working a full time job to meal planning, cooking, cleaning, dusting, hoovering, laundry, booking dentist appointments, haircuts will all be their responsibility and if they go to uni that is in 2 years for your eldest.

From now on you want a family dinner with no phones on. Lay out your expectations. Helping cook dinner is one too. They are responsible for doing the dishwasher, they can all do that. The eldest two can do the weekend loads so a Sunday and a Monday. They do 2 days each per week. I used to do a Friday load only and I only had 2 teen boys.

And they lay out the consequences, in fact ask them what they think a fair consequence would be. They know in school what the expectations are and what the consequences for behaviour or homework not handed in.

Tell them you are getting a new router so that you can cut individual devices off (google this, we have 2 routers and we can absolutely cut individual devices off as we assign permanent IP addresses for them so we know we would cut the computer and not the printer in error) their phones and contracts are dependent on them doing what they need to do.

Set them up to succeed. Have a daily rota showing what they should be doing then no one "forgets" that includes kitchen bin emptying on set days, they are already leaving the house for school so they take the bin bag to the bin and on the bin collection day they wheel it to the kerb. Start delegating.

The way we did it, everyone was off their devices at a set time say 30 minutes before dinner and all in the kitchen, they can stir the pan, grate some cheese or whatever, set the table, get things out of the fridge or cupboards. After dinner no one gets to sit down until everything is cleared away, all stuff into the dishwasher, hand washed items are dried and put away. Everyone is involved. We always put music on and we did this since they were in primary. I was a sahm so all they saw was a man went to work and Mummy did the housework. I pointed out their teacher is a woman, she works, who does her housework? Made them think.

Oh and weaponised incompetence would have been met with well you will just have to do it more to get good at it.

Aluna said “Resist the temptation to step in when things mess up or they’ll never learn.”

They have to know that they can come to you for guidance, if they don’t know which laundry programme to use or how to cook x, y or z, for example. But once they have learned it - and it might take more than one lesson - don’t promote weaponised incompetence. So, you explain what to do, but they must do. As soon as you do the task for them, they can start to distance themselves from it, saying “but you’re better at it than me”

The response to that is ALWAYS “well you need the practice then!”

I’ve read half the thread and all the OP’s. OP, it might be worth reading The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Philippa Perry. It’s so wise and warm and helped me to reconnect with my (much younger admittedly) child

It sounds like the problem is that you’ve always run around after them and not instilled chores and meals with them since they were very young and compliant, and now they’re not trained to do the stuff they should and see it as some kind of imposition.

It’s quite difficult to suddenly apply chores to teens who are used not to, as it would be trying to train an older dog from scratch. They’re used to doing the things they’re doing and don’t want to change and learn new stuff that they see as more effort.

I would take a tactical couple of weeks out. Go and stay with your family or a friend. Your DH can look after the 2 younger ones. And on return reset. Don’t get angry, call a family meeting and lay out the new structure of chore rota, the older ones making their own meals washing their own clothes.

They will kick back. But that’s fine - if they don’t wash their own clothes and make their own food - it won’t get done. Resist the temptation to step in when things mess up or they’ll never learn.

Let me reassure that this too shall pass, and you will return to loving and respectful relationships from mid -late twenties. Things I wish I'd been able to do but my own anxiety stopped me: natural consequences, no homework done, late for school - on them. They don't wash their clothes, look after their stuff?- no nice stuff for them to wear. Match their energy. Be polite but don't give out more than you get back. Somewhere deep inside of them is a young man who'll be asking your advice on saving for a deposit -believe it or not! Time is on your side.

Just to give you hope OP, DS is much less of a dickhead recently. He is now in year 12 (nearly 17). He was horrible on occasions. Hang in there.

Mine are 16, 18 and 20 so a bit older than yours and one is away at uni now (and one is a girl), but I do recognise some of what you are saying.

My suggestions would be: I think everyone eating together every night (or as often as you can), family conversation and no devices at the table, is really important and that is something I insist on as much as possible (around sports training etc). All other meals they make for themselves and have done for the past 5-6 years. If there is healthy food in the house they normally make good decisions at least some of the time. Regarding screen time, I tend to think that if they are playing lots of sport and doing well at school, they must be doing ok. So I'm not too strict about screen time (except phones away at mealtimes, and left downstairs overnight until they're 16). Mine aren't great at chores tbh. I do all the laundry, but they do have to put their things in the laundry basket and put away their clean clothes. I don't nag them about this, but if it's not in the basket it won't get done. I try to do things with them that we both enjoy - watching Traitors or Taskmaster, going out for a milkshake. I also hug them and tell them I love them a lot. Good luck OP. They sound to me like they're basically doing ok.

I think a parent has to be ready to create conflict if needed. I wouldn't put up with this.

Get them all responsible for cooking a meal a week. Are they eating in their rooms? Get them eating at the table again. I am a very relaxed parent but don’t allow any rudeness. I’ve had 3 teens and none have been rude as I stopped that long before the teen years. Start putting some consequences in place. Internet is off if not doing chores. Reduce their screen time. It’s quite sad you feel you hate them. I enjoyed my kids being teens. Must admit I never gave them chores personally, because I just did it myself as was easier. They did cook for themselves though (older two) out of choice and I paid for a cleaner when they were younger. I grew up in a house of constant arguing and I value harmony. DS 1 & 2 have moved out and do plenty of chores now. All very academic so wanted them to focus on school work. Not suggesting you drop the chores but just switch off the internet until its done.

Get your husband to enforce tea time at the table together and table rules and chores. He needs to step up so you can step down and focus on making a connection after having made the meal for everyone. it will probably be quite awful dynamics but be consistent and push through Consistency is key. . Nobody is allowed to leave the table during the meal and chores completed immediately after tea - your husband must ensure these things happen and rules are followed. Prompt your DH and not the children if needs must.

Your relationships sound so negative. How do you talk to them? Are you polite and warm? You can be polite and warm yet boundaried and fair at the same time.

you need to focus on finding something positive you like about them each individually and show appreciation for small things they do right. Spend time alone with each child each week - cake and coffee or pudding out in a pub after football. Have fun, don’t lecture. Rebuild the bond. Make them feel liked by you

You need their dad to back you up because you seem to be so outnumbered!
how does their dad talk to you? Is he modelling rudeness?
I would have a family conversation and set these rules -
No phones overnight in bedrooms. Give them up by an hour before their bedtime.
No phones in the morning til they’ve washed, brushed teeth, got dressed, made their bed.
No phones at mealtimes.
Take phones off for homework and chores. They get them back when they’re done.
Frame it by saying this is not a punishment, it’s just so things can be calmer and easier at home.
And it will improve their mental well-being and attitude.
Alongside these rules, start reconnecting with them. Buy them little treats, send them some nice messages, talk to them, hug them.

I have three boys, they're pretty much adults now, but a similar age gap to yours. Each of them, at one point of their teenage years, has been an absolute dickhead. Mentally draining, hormones raging, and trying to tell someone off who is a foot taller is impossible.

I've had to be strict from them being young, they all have household jobs, do their own laundry and every now and again they'll cook.

You've got this.

I'm glad you got something positive from it. I also have two granddaughters now, funnily enough they are more like their aunts than their mother! Older one is quiet, kind and quite introverted. Younger is... a live wire, tempestuous, highly intelligent, stroppy. I do not envy her parents in a few years time! I will save quite a bit of my concern for older one as she tends to go a bit unnoticed.
Do you ever watch films with your boys? I recommend Animal House and Spinal Tap, maybe Dogma as well for the older two. Plenty of laughs for everybody. tell them a mad old woman from Scotland told you to show them.

Cut off the wifi and stop preparing meals for them.

Yeah this. It is a difficult time and with several close in age it does feel like you are constantly nagging. Need to use phone / WiFi as a bribe they are not entitled to them. Get them cooking more and they can definitely do their own washing. It does get better.

Some advice seems really harsh. Taking stuff from them. Not cooking for them.
And IMO nagging is no good. They just don't listen.
Perhaps first of all talk to them. Tell them their behaviour affects and upsets you. Ask them to discuss any issues that may cause their rudeness. Tell them you expect them to do a few simple chores.
Only if firm mutual discussion doesn't work should more forceful punishments take place. They sound selfish and maybe a bit spoilt but hopefully they are not bad lads who will listen to you. But you need to get everything out in the open.

Hi OP. My 3 ids are same age as yours. Have 2 girls and a boy.
I feel for you, and you actually sound very reasonable and a loving person.
I do get on well with mine and strangely enough i love this stage.
What I would do is try to find out things you may have in common with each of them (you will find them!) and don't focus on the stuff they don't do. Once the relationship improves, you can set up expectations, ask then to pick their own chores. I do that with mine and works.

Start bonding with small things. For example one of them might like the same tv show as you. Make some nice hot chocolate and watch it together. Another one is curious abou the space, and you were always interested in NASA missions so start having little conversations about it. It's all about those small little things/ interactions.

Someone said look at them as individuals. I agree stop cooking all day, that only creates resentment and they are old enough. just don't buy bad stuff and let them do it.
I let mine make their breakfast and lunch (there are no sweets/ junk at home). Give them some freedom and start connecting on little ways with them.

All the best OP x

Get them involved in the cooking, dishes, cleaning, laundry etc too. All excellent skills to have.

And so the cycle will continue. They behave poorly and you feed them well.
I would get dh on board and then all sit down and have a family meeting. Each person gets to speak. You explain what you’ve said here. Let them know how it’s making you feel and that you don’t want to feel that way.
And as another poster said - catch them stung/doing something awesome and let them know it’s brightened your day.
going forward I would all sit down for a family meal around a table as many times a week as schedules will allow. No phones and no taking meals elsewhere -sit, chat, laugh, talk about your days, how everyone is feeling.
And feed them your excellent meals.!
Anyone not willing to comply, show respect etc doesn’t get to help themselves to whatever they fancy. It’s toast and bed for them. Yes I know I’ll get people telling me I’m mean blah blah but if you are firm but fair, loving and kind but not allowing yourself to be walked on….you will All feel happier.
I’d have a read of “How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk” as that helped me.
This too shall pass! xx