Never invited

As a fellow “quirky” person, the bit that stood out for me is their rejection of you. I’ve had this my whole life (hence my username), because I don’t see a lot of the unwritten social rules. So I make unintentional “mistakes” and in my experience, people can be quite brutal when they don’t want you in their group. Especially if they think there is something “wrong” with you, as it also seems to lead to an assumption that you have no feelings.

I’ve got better at reading rejection signals over the years and I don’t keep trying anymore. I’m out at the first sniff. You hinted, and they ignored the hint...they knew damn well you were asking to join them, and they expected you to understand the message when you weren’t invited. I have learned through bitter experience that someone they want in the group either would have already been invited, or the hint would have been acted upon. The chat after the night out, although insensitive, was to reiterate the point.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It’s happened to me so many times, and I know it’s incredibly painful. There are a lot of us “quirky” people about, yet it is hard to find each other sometimes, especially at school gates, where you need a friend. Best wishes.

Yes, she's saying that they perceive you as different to them and that's why they don't invite you

Seems quite unkind but also, they're not your tribe so there'd be little point going out with them. You wouldn't feel happy or have a good time

I always find it a bit odd that people expect to make friends with other school mums just by virtue of the fact that you happen to be in the same place at the same time every day. Not everyone sees the school gate as their opportunity to find a friendship group or add to their friendship group, but some people seem offended when other mums aren’t keen to chat for whatever reason.

Maybe they were an established group of friends before school? Maybe they just feel comfortable with their group dynamic as it is and don’t feel the need to add other people? They don’t have an obligation to invite you just because you would like to be invited. That’s not bullying in itself.

What is unkind is the woman saying you’re odd, so I would definitely stop chatting to her as she doesn’t sound like a nice person.

Well I would start ignoring her at the gates from now on. Seems petty but she has been a right nasty fuck. These people are not the ones for you. Everyone has their quirks. It DOES NOT make you less of a person and her opinion is not fact!

My child is nearly 20 - I spent the whole of their primary school years being as nice as pie to every other mum, trying to make conversation, wondering why other new people were accepted into their group and I wasn’t etc and it was so HARD. I have no idea why. Please don’t take this to heart at all. Like someone else mentioned many will have gone to school together themselves, have connections outwith school and so on! In the end I use to put on my smile, say a cheery hello and that was it.

That was bitchy of her, sounds like she lacks self awareness if she doesn’t realise how mean that sounds.

are there any other mums who you could try and connect with?

So you’re saying that you would keep talking about the nights out to someone who you decided not to invite and you would find ridiculous that people would consider this rude? I think the immature behaviour is coming from this mum, who lacks even the basic level of courtesy. She knows the poster is interested in joining in and going out, yet she keeps talking to her about these lovely nights out without ever including her. She could keep it to herself. I would not teach this behaviour to my children that is for sure.

I think it’s a weird reason to give to someone’s face and suggests someone who is either intentionally rude or deeply tactless. On the other hand, if a slight acquaintance I’d chatted to in the school yard started asking me in an aggrieved manner why I hadn’t invited her on a recent night out with my friends, I’d think she was deeply odd.

They and you obviously aren't each others types. That's fine.
Have you considered inviting someone out? Take the lead

Maybe the person was put on the spot and had to make up something due to not knowing what to say

It takes guts to approach people in an attempt to make friends. Don’t let this put you off.

In an ideal world everyone would be welcome everywhere but not everyone fits in every group. In a way it’s kinder to exclude someone than the dynamic of the group become strained because they are there. And they will know they are the reason for the awkward atmosphere.

They tried to avoid offending you by ignoring your hints that you’d like to join their group and, I think, tried to be honest yet tactful when you were direct. Quirky isn’t an insult, is it? I would prefer that honesty than be told, sure I could join them sometime and then never be told when. Just left hanging.

I do think that it was thoughtless of them to chat about their nights out in front of you once they were aware you wanted to join their group, but perhaps they didn’t realise how important it was to you.

Don’t let this put you off finding a group that will welcome you.

Don't you think the first option is more likely though - given that this person 1) thinks being 'quirky' is a reason not to hang out with someone (i.e. indicates they are probably a bit boring to your average quirky person), and 2) said that to her face (I mean can you really defend that?).

It's probably both - wondering why she asked AND being boring assholes

Could be they’re boring assholes. Could also be they’re wondering why someone they only know from chitchat on the school run is asking why they didn’t invite her on their night out.

The first line of your oriental post says 'I'm not a massive social animal but I like a night out every now and then' To me that implies you would only go to the occasional night out and you would arrange take the reins and arrange or suggest/arrange something. Sounds a bit FOMO on your behalf.

Another poster said there is a big difference between a 5 minute catch up at the school gates and people who have a general friendship outside of school.

I get it may have been hard to hear 'sometimes you are a bit quirky' surely you asked what she meant when she said that. If you didn't, approach her again and say 'I've been thinking about you saying 'that sometimes, I can be a bit quirky'.

They don't owe you an invitation just because you want one.

Count yourself lucky though, because the explanation you were given indicates that they are 1) assholes, and 2) boring.

Good luck finding your people :-)

That ridiculous. This isn’t one weeping six year old being excluded from a whole class party, it’s an OP who vaguely knows some other school run parents from the school gate expecting to be invited to what sounds like a friendship group’s long-standing nights out because she’s hinted to them she’d like to go.

I mean, what would you do if someone you only know to say hello to at the school gate asked you straight out why you hadn’t invited her on a recent night out with your friends? You’d probably think it was ‘quirky’.

OP, do you even like these people? If you do, suggest a coffee or that you take the children to the park after school (in better weather) ? Start small.

Why would you want to go out with people who think that about you🥰

Well it’s likely they have a friendship beyond the school run. So perhaps they knew each other before their kids went to that school, or they clicked and a close friendship has developed.
it was brave of you to put yourself out there and ask to come, her answer was ridiculous and rude but you know now she’s happy to chat at the gate but not fussed beyond that.
if you are wanting friendship you need to look else where, you could go down the hobbies route and see if you can find some friends with mutual interests.

But there's a massive difference between a 5 min chat at the school gate while waiting for the kids and an entire evening. The woman who is telling the OP about these evenings is unpleasant and at a minimum, lacking in social skills. But that doesn't make it cruel for these women to not invite the OP on an evening out.

But it appears the OP does not socialise with them the OP leaves it to others to socialise with the OP

The issue is not that they don't invite OP, the issue is she is good enough to talk to but too 'quirky' to socialise with.

These twats are best avoided,

If you're too quirky to go out with then you should be too quirky to chat to.

I really wouldn't give her the time of day again.

Def not your people. I wouldn’t rely on school mums to be your friends anyway.
What are your hobbies? you need to join some groups and meet people who share your interests. Not vacuous school mums who have zero social skills.

People can write childish replies but why is it on them to invite you? Why are you sitting back and expecting others to ask you if you want to join and why aren't you arranging things for yourself? lots of people on here seem to take this attitude that everyone else is at fault when they are not being included

you are in control of your life not other people, and of course this is MN we only have your side so automatically people will blame others as being 'baddies' which I presume people would have left back at school

What you have to do is organise a night out yourself if you want one. I used to do that - I’m a widow and I noticed my friendship gang talking about dinner at each others houses: all couples. I would only get invited if it was a mix and mingle drinks thing. Fed up with that I invited them all to mine (the women only - men do change the dynamic). Twice a year I had 10-12 for dinner and we had a great time. I also suggested a once a week coffee meet up after school drop off. If people could make it great but no pressure. Usually 4-6 could do it, on the odd occasion no one could.
I found unless I organised stuff myself the only adult I’d talk to would be the Tesco delivery guy …