How to handle Christmas with split parents and a long-term partner?

Maybe it's time for you to build new traditions that work better for you. This is why we have our Christmas dinner on a day that works for all of our family, not the 25th. Both my DH and I are divorced and some of our adult children have partners too. So we find a date that works for them, have a lovely day and then a small Christmas for anyone who still wants to stay on. It was my idea after I discovered one of our DC had eaten two Christmas dinners just to keep everyone happy. I hate to add more stress to their lives just because it's Christmas.

@orchid1384

With those dynamics it is invariably going to be somewhat tricky.

Totally agree with @mumonthehill your starting point should be, what would your and your partner's favourite Christmas, look like?

Dependent on the personalities of your extended families, there may always be someone who won't like your decision.

That's their problem though, not yours. 🎄

Can your mum join you at your boyfriends house?
if that’s not possible, then the fairest way to do it it one year with your family, one year with his.
if You have children eventually, then you may want to do it at your place when you get one. Then just invite people to yours or welcome people to drop in.
some people are happy to be alone at Christmas and see it as any other day. But if this would make your mum sad then you shouldn’t leave her alone

We have some split families and widows in our and inlaws family. BIL’s mum, nieces dh’s dad, SIL’s sister etc.

All invites are extended to them too as the person inviting knows they would otherwise be left alone which no one wants to see.

The way my niece does it is she invites both sets of parents (hers and her dh’s) to hers, or they decline invites saying she is having her mum this year, and the invite is usually extended to her mum too.

It can be awkward for the “onlies” the first couple of times as they feel as though they are intruding, but as long as everyone goes out of their way to make them feel part of an extend family, treat them like a vip guest, tell them how pleased you are they came, it quicKly becomes a Christmas norm and they slot right in.

it can make for a tight squeeze at times, last year my Christmas “chair” at the dinning table was a side table with a cushion on top 🤣 not too comfy but they are the best and warmest Christmas memories.

As an only child, I can empathise hugely. My situation is different as my Mum has passed away but it is literally just my Dad and me left. We're not hugely close to extended family, so it's never been an option for him to visit or see others. The last couple years he has come to stay and my ILs have been happy to have us over.

Sometimes I do feel quite wistful, thinking it would be nice for me and my partner to go away for Christmas or something but we could never do that to my Dad.

My partner's dad is also by himself at Xmas. But he lives very far, divorced when my partner was young and recently divorced from his second wife. My partner sees him separately around Xmas but just a different set up.

My partner and I and my DD are doing Xmas just the 3 of us (+ stinky dog) in a woodland cabin the weekend before Xmas. We want our own family Christmas but I'm 48 and have done every other Xmas with my parents and sister so cannot cause a family rift by not going there on the big day (all 3 of us + stinky dog go to my parents). Is that an option for you? You get your own Xmas and still see everyone else also? It does help that I'm pretty happy to just delegate a day as Xmas, Easter, Birthday etc. to fit into what's convenient rather than having to use the same date as everyone else because surely it's what you do on that date that makes it special not what's on the calendar.

Being an only child in this situation is really hard and I say this as an only child! What I will say is that you cannot keep everyone happy and you do sometimes need to put yourself first. Your dm needs to slowly understand that your life is changing and that means you want to spend holidays and time with your partner and his family. You cannot be responsible for her happiness at times like these. It took me many many years to feel able to do this but you do need to. By trying to keep everyone else happy you will always feel stressed at Christmas so begin to have conversations with her now. Some years you will be with her on the day and others it will be before or after.

We stay at home and invite anyone who wants to to come to us.

Have you talked to your mam about it? My mam is alone, but very much doesn't want me to feel I have to feel responsible for her. There might be years you see her Christmas Eve or boxing day instead. She might have her own ideas about friends she could be with or might not mind a quiet Christmas alone some years.

This works for us and we agreed it early on. DP prefers a low key day, as do I.

My partner and I have been together for ten years, live together, have a dog etc but we still do separate Christmas days just because it suits us with older parents. I have siblings but part of the reason for this is me not wanting to spend it away from my mum and family. My partner and I have our Christmas once we get home or on boxing day.

Like you, my DM is alone so we always have her for Xmas day. My DF and DPs divorced parents have other partners/families and we see them at other times over the festive period.