How to handle Christmas with split parents and a long-term partner?

I actually think given that your aunt and uncle are hosting this year, you know your mum won’t be alone and so you could spend it with your partner. Start as you mean to go on.

your post uses the word guilt a lot. What do you want?

Not every family celebration is a big event. A gathering does not need to be large to be worthy. Watching movies with your mother is just as valuable as a house packed with people.

As you get older and especially if you choose to become parents, the reality is that you may not be able to see everyone every year.

My family is far flung. It just isn’t possible to see everyone. We take turns and prioritize a relaxed experience over spending time rushing from place to place.

Your parents have to take some responsibility for themselves.

This is so sad! Why can’t you come with them to either of her parents? Or they should host! I couldn’t leave my mum on her own all the time - I’m so sorry!

I’d say the fairest way is alternate years one with his family, one with yours and you alternate between your mum and your dad.

If relationship are amicable between your mum and dad maybe she could come too if invited and as others have said maybe your boyfriend’s family wouldn’t mind hosting your mum either.

I feel so cross for you! Your parents are behaving really badly. They should be telling you to spend Christmas with your partner. Your mum is perfectly capable of spending Christmas with her family while you spend time with who you choose. Without guilt! This year would be the perfect year to do it… your dad is away, your mum can be with uncles/aunt while you go and do what you want. My DD is an only child and I’m on my own, I’d Never put her in the position your parents are putting you in!

I wouldn't worry about your Dad, he sounds like he's having a lovely, busy Christmas as it is and it's probably nice for him to see you on Christmas Eve or Boxing day when things are a bit quieter anyway.

I would try and include your Mum in whatever you're doing. Do you think your DP's family would be open to your Mum joining them too? That seems the easiest option to include everyone and have a 'big' Christmas if that's what you want.

It's always tricky to fit everyone in when you have separated parents and your partner's family to consider, too.

Do all the parents (yours and his) live close to each other? If so, that makes it slightly easier.

My parents separated when I was very young and didn't live very close to each other so I would alternate Christmases. They both remarried and had another child (so I have a half-sibling on both sides, as well as step-siblings) so neither was alone. However, my mum and stepdad divorced, and then my half-sibling had to split her Christmas Day too, so my mum was sometimes on her own. Not completely, as she did see extended family and friends. We did feel a bit guilty and sad for her when we couldn't be with her at Christmas, but she always said she wanted us to enjoy our Christmas Day wherever we were. What's really helped is not to get too fixated on the day itself, and think of the whole Christmas period rather than just the 25th - we always see each other to exchange gifts and share a lovely meal, and that's "our" Christmas, whatever day it is.

We used to see my DH's parents too (in another country!) and that was really tricky, to fit in 3 families... I can't even remember how we did it, I think we spent Christmas Day with each family every 3 years, although there was one year that PILs came to us, and we managed to see two sets together. I think my dad & step-mum included PILs one year. It does help if the in-laws are willing to include each other - would your boyfriend ask his parents if they would consider inviting both you and your mum?

We don't see PILs any more - long and painful story but the silver lining is that Christmas logistics are slightly easier now. I have gone back to alternating Christmases, like I did when I was a child! And my mum has a partner now (after many years of being on her own) which is definitely a relief for me and my half-sibling.

What happens if you have children?

I'd stay home and invite people.

My DS's GF has split parents. They've been together 10 years odd.

One year they go to her mum's. Next year they go to her dad's. I get a Christmas every third year because I live alone and wait for them to come to me. I don't bother celebrating or putting up decorations the two years they're not here, just the third Christmas when they visit.

I have a similar set up (only child divorced parents) and most of the time I host as thats easiest and everyone comes to me. Means they can also leave when they've had enough!

When my Mum and Dad split up, we did Christmas Day with and Boxing Day with the other and swapped each year. Then when you grow up and have in laws, it creates more issues! However my mum and dad will now spend Xmas together so we do it at ours now and invite them both and if my MIL is alone then I invite her too. The next year we will go to my in laws and my Mum will be with her sister and nieces. I understand that may not be possible for you and your situation but could you at least have your mum and in laws together and see your dad the next day. Or vice versa. It’s hard, but your mum has been lucky to have you every year and she must be expecting that will eventually change and it’s not like she will be alone if she can go to her sisters.

You and your mum go to your DPs family for Christmas!

Not completely the same situation, but me and my partner were similar to you in the sense that we were young when we got together so we always spent big chunks of Christmas separate.

I would be at my parents with my youngest sister in the morning, then my other sister and nephews would join, then have lunch there and my husband would join at my parents in the afternoon and in to the evening. He would spend the morning at his grandparents and lunch at his Mum's (and would see his Dad at his grandparents)

His mum then passed away and he wanted to start having lunch at his grandparents, and we got married a year after his mum passed. I then started having lunch at his grandparents with him (partly because his Nan is an incredible cook!) but also because we were now married.

This year has now got added complications because one sister is working and we won't be seeing her at all, and my husbands grandad passed away recently, meaning any part of the day we weren't with her, she would potentially be alone as her only son (my husbands dad) usually only stays a few hours with his family. My parents then split up, this ended up being temporary as I've no idea how we would have navigated that on top!

This year (I think) is looking like:
me and my husband open presents together

I then go to my parents to exchange presents and probably watch an Xmas film whilst my husband goes to his Nan's to see his Dad and half siblings

We (me AND my parents) are going to my husband's nan's for lunch.

Then my mum is hosting a buffet and games for everyone in the evening at hers where we will all go, including my husband's Nan if she wants to come and isn't too tired!

After 7 years together, with split Christmases and our parents never having met, we hosted both sides of the family once we bought our first home. It was a small house but we managed to fit everyone in, ate and played games. A great ice breaker and great Xmas Day for all. DM is shy so I invited her sister and husband along for the day too. DH and I never been apart on Christmas Day since.

DH and I have been together since we were teens and both have separated parents - so 4 homes to visit! We also did separate family Christmases until we were mid-late 20s as it was just easier.

We usually do my mum's on Christmas eve (as that's when my stepsister goes there with her family), Christmas morning at home with DS, over to DH's mum's for late lunch on Christmas day, DH's dad's on Boxing Day and then lunch with my dad somewhere between then and NYE.

Some years we swap the mums around/go to my mum's for breakfast; one year we had two Christmas dinners to keep everyone happy, which I do not recommend!

Its a bit manic tbh; we've discussed just doing our own thing at home but I like DS to see his cousins & frankly I don't fancy cooking so put up with the driving. No one is more than 1hr15 mins away, which helps.

I used to get really stressed about fairness and keeping everyone happy but now my mantra is that its not our fault that our parents all decided to separate, we've just making the best of the situation!

It's very easy, OP. Once you have a long-term partner and your own home, then you have Christmas at your home, just the two of you. There is no need to see your parents but, if you want to, you can visit one or both of them on different days during the holiday period.

Op you sound like a lovely daughter & girlfriend. Could you ask them to call at yours in Christmas Day?

A) one year your spend Xmas Eve and Xmas day with his family and then boxing day and the day after with yours and then switch it every year.

B) You say you’re spending Xmas at home and if people would like to come round please make it known so you can arrange timings to fit every one.

You’ll probably find with option B that his large family won’t be bothered about coming Xmas day and maybe it will fall to Boxing Day and then that mean you can host your mum and dad at separate times over Xmas Eve and Xmas day.

Does your mum live anywhere near your boyfriend’s parents? Could she tag along, solves so many problems, I’d happily invite anyone to be honest!

I’m in same situation as you - or was. But my partner and I did do Christmas together from very early on rather than going our own way. I had always alternated my Mum and Dad for xmas day, and so all we did was add another set of people into that mix. My parents already used to every other Christmas with me. Partner’s parents are further away and so we do 5day or a week with them (which rather makes up for the fact they only get us every 3 years for the day!). If seeing one of mine we might do xmas eve and day with one, Boxing Day and next with other and then the week over new year with partners. If at partners do the week up to. Travel on boxing day and then do xmas with others from there… it extends Christmas but is exhausting. Not as bad as one year with an ex when we managed two Christmas day visits (morning and lunch with one afternoon, dinner and evening with another and next day with the third. Felt a bit too Vicar of Dibly!)

Sadly, as parents have gotten older it’s become more about who we think we probably should be with for the day! (And who might be least offended). And now my mother is out of that equation (very advanced dementia - not dead) so we see her around it but not on the day, so it’s back to alternate Christmases now.

Is there anyone else your Mum could see on Christmas Day? How far apart is everyone?

Absolutely the dream is always to host. Sadly the reality is often not that easy. Older parents stuck in their ways and want to host Christmas, partner’s siblings, and wether divorced parents and sets of inlaws would actually want to spend Christmas together (or you’d want that!).

I long for a ‘just us’ Christmas because it’s exhausting. But it’s about family so we do it.

Good luck with it all!

When I was 30 I was in exactly the same boat as you (although I do have siblings), a more isolated mother with smaller family and dad remarried with much bigger wider family. I usually split Christmas between them. Then partner and I decided (after 8 years) we wanted to spend Christmas together and things went into a 3 year rotation - mum, dad or ILs alternated getting Christmas day and we would fit in seeing the other two either side. While this helped with the transition tbh it was exhausting, but it worked OK until DD came along. Dragging a toddler/ preschooler all around the country in late December was not great, we got ill every time. Now 40 I am not travelling at all over Christmas this year. We have just been to visit my mum for a Christmasy weekend in her city and will see my dad for a meal next weekend. It hasn't brought as much backlash as I feared and luckily my aunt (mum's sister) has been particularly supportive of the decision. Mum usually spends Christmas with her anyway and this year it is just the two of them as my siblings also have other plans.

I'm not really sure what my advice is other than - while you have the energy it probably is worth trying to spend time with everyone alternately and then when the time comes that needs to change you will feel much less guilty about putting yourself first as you've previously made the effort.

Could your mum join you, your partner and his family for Christmas Day? And you spend Boxing Day with dad if he's got a house full

I have split parents, and a husband who I live with (perhaps obviously!).

We see my mum on Xmas day morning, as she is alone. Afternoon is for us as a couple. Mum is tipsy and enjoying her Christmas shows on her own by then anyway! Enjoys seeing us, but also enjoys being rid of us I think lol.

See my dad and stepmum on boxing day lunchtime, as I always have.

Used to see his parents the 27th or 28th. Mum and dad, they oft n had company Christmas day.

We basically prioritised my mum Xmas day as she's a Billy-no-mates otherwise, and then the rest went wherever they wanted and it became routine.

My husband lost his dad this year though, so plan was changed to I see my mum Christmas morning, and he sees his... However it seems she has made other arrangements for herself still anyway so we might actually be sticking to original set up. We're gonna check with her again to make sure she's still OK with it.

Can your mum join you at your boyfriend's house? We are in the situation of your boyfriend's parents in your scenario, and are happy to host our sons' girlfriends Mum for Christmas (this will be the 4th year we've done this). The more the merrier for us (and she brings cauliflower cheese for 20 with her which is a delicious extra addition to our traditional lunch)