To Think Friends Adult Daughter Needs to Step Up And Help Her Mum

They can both separately claim universal credit but both will be expected to job search and take any job offered.

Being autistic but undiagnosed for many years takes its toll. I'm in work now but also under community mental health, psychodynamic therapy every week, agoraphobia, anorexic, and can't even work full time anymore.

You may not think the daughter is autistic, but honestly the way they're both living suggests otherwise. Not that it's a definite sign, of course, being autistic is a lot more than never working, not having friends or relationships, and staying at home with your mum... But it definitely suggests ND over NT on a first glance.

Masking is a thing, masking is pretending you're just the same as everyone when you're not. It's very difficult, you have to remember everything logically. Conversations don't come naturally, and it's very tiring and anxiety inducing (because no matter how hard you try, it never seems you've gotten it right) .

In short, you need to keep out of it at this point. You have no idea what's going on for either of them, certainly not the daughter (and you have no compassion for what she could be dealing with).

You could cause more damage than helping if you try to push your agenda here.

They can both claim benefits, including the health element of universal credit if neither can work.

You might want to suggest the daughter push for a diagnosis. It's going to be important if she claims benefits.

Yes they can apply for benefits. If you only have one property and you live in it, it's discounted fully in terms of benefits.

If this girl alleged she's autistic then she needs to get assessed. But if she's just a lazy liar then she won't get anything in the way of disability.

They should both apply for UC though. I don't think you can get new style ESA if you've never paid NI or worked.

As for PIP, I don't want to encourage the daughter to lie on the forms as she sounds like the type to do that. So I'd say don't apply for that.

Both need to get jobs pronto, not expect the taxpayers to support yet another lifestyle choice

Honestly op, it sounds like your friend has created an unhealthy toxic relationship with her child and brought her up to be completely dependent on her mother. This usually happens when a parent needs to be 'needed' more than what is normal or healthy in a relationship. So essentially it's very likely your friend has created this situation, has done nothing to address it despite you bringing it to her attention and chose to fritter away the money instead of investing and saving and working and making a long term plan. I don't think you can really blame the dd for this now, the dd is a product of the parenting and what's been created here will be extremely hard to break. I'd direct her to citizens advice or debt action and stay well out of it. My guess is your friend will shortly be trying to make this increasingly your problem if you let her. You need to hold firm boundaries here.

You are a sweet friend for caring this much, but you're also over-involved.

Do not offer money or advice etc etc. I know it's hard because you want to help, but this isn't something you can fix. If no one has bothered to work or earn money for literal decades then it's an attitude problem.

You can be sympathetic but hold your boundaries before you're milked dry too. It might start off with buying groceries, lending £20, covering gas bills, and before you know it, you'll be paying rent and giving pocket money.

Both of them need to get of their arses and get a job. Be supportive don't make it your problem.

A large percentage of people with autism work so that shouldn't be an issue, it sounds as though they have both got in the habit of not working. They both need to find paid employment. Pronto.

Is there a reason why your friend can’t work?
Obviously you are right in that they both will need to face reality at some point and do something. They could claim benefits but they aren’t as plentiful as people think. The thing is though, they’re not stupid. They are both capable of working this out for themselves so it would be both pointless and potentially damaging to your friendship to point out the obvious to them.

They both need to look for work - they are both responsible. But if anyone is more responsible for the other it’s your friend, not the daughter! If your friend looks for work and is a good role model maybe her daughter will do the same. The daughter definitely shouldn’t be financially responsible for her mother though.

This situation is not your responsibility, it's your friends. I wouldn't get involved at all.

I do disagree with your perception of the situation. No one should ever be expected to financially support their parents. Your friend has made some very poor life and parenting choices. These are the consequences of her choices. Of course a person in their 20's should be working but why wouldn't a woman in her early 50's not work? She could have another 30/40 years it is not reasonable to expect her child to support her for that length of time.

They both need to be the grown adults they are and start taking care of themselves. So let them get on with that and have no part in it.

You're not responsible for fixing this so you need to stay out of it. In any case they surely both need to be applying for work if there's no money coming in.

Why are you looking for ways to fix this? Your friend eventually will have to confront her issues but honestly you have tried and said everything you can to give her the best advice you can give. After that it is up to her. You should not be feeling this level of responsibility for fixing this situation. She should.

Would stay well out of it and set your own boundaries.