To Think Friends Adult Daughter Needs to Step Up And Help Her Mum

Friend should have planned better. Including encouraging her DD to work after she left education - by doing the exact same thing. Children see their parents life and often copy. Setting a good example would have benefitted both of them.
It isn’t the daughters job to support her mother, and it isn’t mothers job to financially support an adult daughter. They both need to work.
There might be some small amount of benefits available, but it won’t be forever or sustainable.
Friend should consider her pension contribution, she won’t be entitled to her pension pot in a few years unless she gets cracking pronto.

Well they won't lose their home if it is paid off. Obviously she might decide to sell it for money but that won't be losing her home, that will be her choice.
Given what you have said I assume they have a decent sized home so she can rent a room or two out if she is that desperate. Also, you don't mention your friend getting a job, just the daughter.
They will probably get some benefits if they have no money but it won't be much.

Why cant your friend work?
What was her plan for when the money ran out?

I think you’re getting unnecessarily over invested in both of their lives. I’m sure once the savings they have have completely run out and they’re looking into an empty fridge and the utilities being switched off, they’ll work out that they need to sort themselves out and either apply for work or claim benefits and be encouraged into employment via their work coach that way.

Why can’t your friend work? Why is it all on the daughter?

This exactly

They both sound like a pair of completely lazy fuckers if neither of them have ever worked. And now they’ve spent hundreds of thousands, and are expecting the tax payer to step up?

They both need to work. It isn't your friends daughters job to financially support her mum and it is no longer your friends job to financially support her daughter. Both of them have so far been unwilling to support themselves at all. They can claim UC in the meantime but it won't be alot and they will expect them both to look for work unless theres a very good reason why they can't.

Your friends chickens have come home to roost OP.

Your friend needs to get a job and let her kid go and find a life for herself.

I don’t see how this is the daughter’s responsibility, your friend has reaped what she’s sown Im afraid. She doesn’t work so hasn’t taught her daughter any work ethic or been a good role model but yet now expects her to get a job and pay for her now she’s ran out of the last persons money she was spending? She was happy for her daughter to do nothing like her until the money ran out. I feel very sorry for her daughter, her mom has failed her.

Did your friend ever go out to work? Is she well enough to look for work? The mother/daughter relationship sounds unhealthy for both of them and they seem to have cut themselves off from the outside world which is why the idea of having to find work is so difficult for them to imagine.

They do need to apply for benefits but they will both be required to actively look for work and I would imagine that they would each have a job coach and will need to apply for a minimum number of jobs per week. It will be quite a culture shock for them.

Also i’m not sure any of would like our tax to be spent on benefits for this lazy family either.

It really isn't your issue to fix, however surely they both need to get themselves jobs?

Sounds like your friend is reaping what she showed tbh. If she's never modelled the value of work to her daughter, she can't really be surprised that her daughter is refusing to do it herself. If she's been overbearing and enmeshed in her daughter's life, she shouldn't be surprised that her daughter doesn't seem independent or motivated to do anything by or for herself.

Anyway you're best off staying out of it, and whatever you do, don't start offering financial support. They need to find their own way forward.

100% agree.

Op it sounds like your friend hasn’t been the best parent in terms of supporting or encouraging her DD to get work experience or further training.

Also what did your friend think was going to happen when the money ran out?

I honestly don’t think i could be friends with someone who lived like that. Just don’t get involved.

Yet more healthy adults who expect others to pay their way. Getting a job will be good for the DD, she'll make friends, learn new skills, have a social life,,

Yes they can both claim UC for themselves (as in seperate claims) but they'll be expected to look for work.

Tbh I'm not sure how typical it would be for a young person to not have any friends and never date? My eldest 2 are like this, but both are autistic and anxious. So I don't think it's out of the realms of possibilities the daughter may be ND. But she'll need to see her GP about getting assessed.

Your friend could consider downsizing I suppose but age 50, she's going to need to work in some capacity. I'm guessing she has very minimal pension, so she really needs to get it together. But like PP have said, direct her towards Citizens Advice etc. This sounds like an epic shitsshow that your friend and the daughter need to face up to themselves

Some people have to wait until they hit rock bottom to do something about it. Sad because your friend could have been proactive but she's an adult and you can't make her do anything.

All you can do is be there when it all comes crashing down. Take care of yourself first though, don't let her drama impact your own wellbeing.

Well they can both apply for universal credit while they look for work. It’s an easy way of easing them into working life as they’ll have a coach to help them keep applying for jobs and be accountable. Why don’t they work? If they own the house outright then they won’t even need to work full time to support themselves.

Why will they lose the house if the mortgage is paid off?

Sell, downsize and they both look for work.

Say the daughter does go and finds work, then decides to move out, then what? Your friend needs to sort out her own financial security.

Why can’t the mum work? Youve not mentioned any kind of disability for her? The mother cannot expect the daughter to work & support her whilst doing nothing herself? Both need to get jobs unless theres a reason why she cannot.

Don't know why you think the daughter should be supporting the mother, as she sounds like she's been horribly controlling and effectively ruined her daughter's life. But that aside, they have spent all their money and need to get a job, like the rest of us do when we need money.

Im sure you mean well but you are getting too involved in your friends lives! Many people are in a similar position .Benefits are avaliable even if you dont agree with them! Dont lend any money .The friend DD hasnt "decided" shes autistic,she has probably always been this way

Not your circus, not your monkeys! Just put boundaries and support your if she needs it…

I don't really understand what that means but even if she is on the spectrum, I'm sure people on the spectrum can work too.

Well of course some people can, but many of us, even late diagnosed, just can't. Or we have tried and tried and tried until our mental and physical health deteriorates, this sort of fitting in is part of masking.

I'm not saying that your friends DD is autistic BTW. There isn't enough information to go off.

I'm just trying to set the record straight that many autistic people can't work, or require a substantial amount of support to do so. Some may never work. Ever. Even if they can speak and read and write.