To Think Friends Adult Daughter Needs to Step Up And Help Her Mum

I know it can be hard to watch people screw their lives up, but this really is a case where you have to let them get on with it. You can't 'fix' it and unless you are asked for an opinion you shouldn't offer one. Particularly if your approach has resulted in offense being taken in the past.

Not your circus, not your monkeys as a pp said. Stay out of it and let them crack on with their own affairs, no matter if the solutions seem obvious to you from the outside.

You're joining in with a toxic drama triangle and it's very unhealthy. Back off.

They both need a job, a healthier relationship between them and you need to stay away from it, because at some point it may be your fault OP.

You can't help them and why would you want to? They are lazy and the daughter is a liar.

I do know a woman who is late 50s who's had to start working again after more than 30 years of being at home. Similar situation, in the house paid off via divorce and she then lived off an inheritance. It's all gone, so she claimed UC and got a retail job. It's been a tough wake up call, but it was all entirely predictable and she's just used to things working out in her favour.

Your friend would presumably be able to sell her house and buy something smaller/cheaper area. She'd be foolish to try and take some kind of equity release loan, but I have a feeling she'll do that rather than get a job and live within her means 😬
But definitely maintain a healthy distance from her financial struggles and just encourage her to contact charities that can advise.

I think you're being very unreasonable to lay this at her adult daughter's door as a problem to solve.

From what you've written, you dislike her daughter- perhaps for very good reason- but if you take her out of the equation altogether, your friend has also got herself into this situation.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but she could have invested the divorce settlement or got a job sooner to help it last longer and build up some experience and skills to make her more employable now. She could have asked her daughter to contribute to rent and bills.

It sounds like a very sad situation where they're enmeshed in an unhealthy relationship and your friend is struggling with her mental health- honestly it sounds like the daughter might be too. You having strong feelings about it being the daughters responsibility to step up isn't likely to be helpful to either of them I'm afraid.

There might be some charities that will help them manage money and make a budget- I don't know if places like Step Change are worth looking at or whether they only support once people are already in debt.

It sounds like there will be big changes ahead for them both and that's likely to be painful so all you can do is offer a reasonable amount of sympathy and maybe some practical suggestions around going to the job centre, CAB, other services. I agree with PP, it sounds like it has the potential to get very messy so I'd keep boundaries in place

That's not true. It's around 30 per cent. Autistic people find it very hard to get and keep jobs.

The Buckland Review of Autism Employment: report and recommendations - GOV.UK share.google/J3gKHIgqfuD9x1sVW

It's not your business, I'd stay out of it they are waiting for someone else to come in and save them by making it someone else's problem. The only way that this will get solved is by leaving them to sort it out amongst themselves.

OP do not get involved. By the sounds of things both your friend and her daughter need to go out to work. They also need to consider down sizing. Your friend needs to be financially independent and not dependent oh her daughter.

Stay out of it op, your friend lived off her ex husband now plans to leech off her daughter. Its a shit show waiting to happen. She can work if shes that worried- that would be my reply to her and shut it down every single time.

2/3 don’t work

@Anita4PawsMomma so your friends never worked and is now looking for the state to pay for her big home and living expenses?
why hasn’t she ever thought this is her own responsibility?

Your friend is in her 50s and never worked or done anything really. Is it any wonder her daughter turned out the same way? They’re both adults and both need to take responsibility for this steaming pile of shit they’ve created of their lives.

The daughter needs to become self supporting. She does not need to take responsibility for her mother. An average woman in her 50s should be perfectly capable of earning a living.

You can’t know if the daughter has ASD or not. My family was shocked I was autistic even though it seemed glaringly obvious to me. I mask well and I am extremely successful in my career, so people just view me as odd, not actually ASD.

the online screeners like the raads-r have been evaluated and peer reviewed. The results are highly correlated with the results from the formal screening process. People aren’t just reading things online and deciding they are autistic. They are using respected screening tests. Those tests are not sufficient for gaining formal services, but they are the first step for most teens and adults who pursue a formal diagnosis, which is shockingly difficult to do. If you are older and remotely integrated in neurotypical society there is often pushback at every stage of the process.

Best thing you could do to help your friend is suggest she gets a volunteering role in a local charity shop, so she gets retail experience. Which might help her apply for a paying job one day.

I would stay out of it

Your friend has made some incredibly stupid financial and parenting decisions and now she’s paying the price. Stay out of it, there’s no simple fix to this.

This just isn't true, only 30 - 35% of autistic people are in employment in the UK and only 15 - 16% are in full time employment. Around 77% of those that are unemployed want to work though.

I think your best option is to stay out of it OP, I don't think they're going to be interested in anything you have to say anyway.

They both need to get out to work. The mother should set an example for her daughter to follow.

I know someone in a similar situation OP. It's hard not to get involved but they may really have to hit rock bottom before they have no choice but to do something about their situation.

They do both need to work. No way the state should support them imo, unless there is extra info about the mum you haven't mentioned.

The daughters claim to being autistic doesn't matter, lots of autistic people work and since she's never tried she can hardly claim that she can't.

If the daughter refuses the mum should kick her out though I'd not imagine she would.

You really can't do anything though OP.

Too late to edit I misremembered your post as “large house” rather than “large settlement” but principles apply they need to find paid work. Not sure why the state should support them when she has burnt through a very larger sum of money in a few years.

I have said you are being unreasonable because it is a problem for both of them. Not sure how long ago the divorce was but hundreds of thousands is a lot of money to burn through. What does your friend have to show for that settlement?
Nothing to stop them both looking for work and quite frankly doing some adulting.
I think your friend needs to sit down and make a list of what she has been spending on essential outgoings utilities, council tax, food bills, phone, insurance for the big house etc. Then a list of fripperies such as subscriptions, holidays, new clothes etc
Sadly a big house means big running costs. There will be advice on the .gov website on benefit entitlements but really they both need to look reality square in the face and look to finding some paid work.

This. Your friends in her 50s, why isn’t it her responsibility to get a job?
the dd is probably just following what she knows re not wanting to work and having others fund her life.