To Think Friends Adult Daughter Needs to Step Up And Help Her Mum

Well, yes, but they aren't going to get very far with a benefits claim in the absence of any medical evidence.

Self diagnosis doesn't necessarily mean that she is autistic, but equally, it doesn't necessarily mean that she isn't.

Most people who are assessed as adults probably self diagnose before they pursue a professional diagnosis. She may be on a waiting list for an assessment for all we know - in some areas, people have to wait years before they can be seen.

Yes the daughter should have a job. I can’t imagine not working in my 20s for no good reason. Why does she not want her own money? How does she get by day to day?

Equally though, your friend also need to step up and get a job. She’s in her 50s. It’s not all on her daughter. It’s her house at the end of the day, she needs to work to keep it.

Yup. Not sure I have too much sympathy for either of them tbh.

<<I don't really understand what that means but even if she is on the spectrum, I'm sure people on the spectrum can work too>>

Of course some of them CAN work but the vast majority do not - Estimates suggest that around 70% of autistic people are unemployed

Govt report here with some of the key findings below

e.1 Autistica estimates that around 1 in 70 people is autistic, so about 1 million people in the UK. In 2022/2023 (the latest available figures) the number of people of working age in the UK who reported autism as either a main or secondary long-term health condition was 680,000. Neurodiverse people do not consistently identify as having a long-term health condition therefore these numbers are likely to be an undercount of the true population. Not all working age autistic people will be able to work, but NAS’s research found that the vast majority want to.

e.2 Despite their wish to work, the latest official statistics show that only around 3 in 10 working age autistic disabled people are in employment, compared with around 5 in 10 for all disabled people and 8 in 10 for non-disabled people.
e.3 Autistic people face the largest pay gap of all disability groups, receiving a third less than non-disabled people on average. Autistic graduates are twice as likely to be unemployed after 15 months as non-disabled graduates, with only 36% finding full time work in this period. Autistic graduates are most likely to be overqualified for the job they have

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/the-buckland-review-of-autism-employment-report-and-recommendations/the-buckland-review-of-autism-employment-report-and-recommendations#executive-summary-and-recommendations

She gets a job, they both have to.

Once savings are under 16K your friend can apply for UC, assuming her daughter has under 16K in savings, she can too.

Unless there is disability/illness that prevents/limits working, they'll need to fulfill criteria around seeking work, to get those benefits, if they don't meet the criteria set they will be sanctioned - ie, won't recieve benefit money for a set period.

I'd let your friend know the above and perhaps a link to start the ball rolling, and step back after that. Up to her if she seeks help, looks for work etc or continues to spiral helplessly into a mess.

Her autism is self-diagnosed.
Anyone can play at that game.
And plenty do.

You sound interfering and judgemental. I'm sure you mean well, but this is not your problem to fix, and I would suggest that your interventions are less than helpful.

If you're worried about your friend's health, then signpost her towards her GP. If you are worried about her financial situation, signpost her towards Citizens Advice. But you need to recognise that she is an adult, presumably with capacity, and she needs to take responsibility for herself.

If you think she isn't capable of making basic decisions for herself, then flag it with adult social care.

This. I feel sorry for the daughter, sounds like her DM really failed her.

but adult children shouldn’t be expected to fix the lives of their parents. Your friend should encourage your DD to gain some independence and move out. Not expect her to „rescue“ her.

Woman who has never worked has a child. That child now an adult has also never worked.

This is the problem with society today.

How can you blame the daughter!

What role model has she had to demonstrate to her that working and having a career is a worthwhile pursuit in life?

Perhaps your friend hasn’t set her daughter the best example by not working either? Surely they both need to find work? Your friend is in her 50s not her 70s!
I’d stay out of it all.

Some people just won't work or don't want to, and it becomes almost an ingrained way of life. They enjoyed being off work, have support possibly from benefits if necessary, and then it becomes their identity.

My DH has a friend who's a single mum, with an 18 year old daughter who became ill after Covid (possibly has ME). Which of course is a valid diagnosis, but the mum literally hasn't worked for 18 years and lived off benefits as she's in Somerset therefore she can't get work that will pay enough (! Of course..!)

It becomes dysfunctional, and I think it is absolutely poor role models for their children. Granted, if they have any health issues that affect work, like ME, those will be valid reasons not to work. But given that the single mum has no health problems that I know of, she is just setting a bit of a poor example to her daughter.

I probably sound like I am being a bit judgemental (I try not to be, but in some ways, it's hard not to). I just find it difficult to see how sometimes people actively choose poor lifestyles and it becomes entrenched in their way of being.

You just have to say nothing and don't get involved.

They need to get jobs (your friend too, not just her daughter) or sell the house and down size. Or preferably both.

The fact the mother has created such an enmeshed relationship that the daughter is still fully tied into puts the possibly ASD in great favour. Adult DD has never had a boyfriend and limited interpersonal relationships because mummy keeps getting too involved and DD can’t say no to her because, again, enmeshed.

And you’re worried about… the mother? She created this. She fostered this too close relationship and creates problems any time the DD tries to break free. Sounds to me like the DD has known little else her entire life.

Dynamics like this are a bit like a cult. I certainly wouldn’t blame the DD for feeing reliant and scared to step out. Good for her for trying to understand her difficulties as best she can.

If you must get involved I would focus on your actual friend and how she created this mess and continues to stunt her child. She needs MH support yes, but it is not the DD’s fault. That’s always been the case.

I hate seeing her mental health go downhill. I think thats one of the reasons she hasnt got a job because shes struggling mentally and with motivation etc. Were a similar age, and I can’t imagine trying to start all over again now.

Her mental health is going downhill and that's why she can't get a job?
And yet....

I’ve known her for decades and she’s never had a job since i've known her.

She needs to get a job and so does her daughter and you should stay out of it.

as others have said stay out of it

your friend has let her daughter down by not parenting her and this is the consequences she has to now deal with

They both need to get a job. Nothing here for the taxpayer to get involved in.

‘No one should ever be expected to financially support their parents.’

While I would totally agree with this statement usually, I think this situation is a bit different & unusual. The DD doesn’t seem to have ever supported herself, so I think she needs to step up now & supoort herself & help out her mum. As the house is owned outright DD has no housing costs so if she worked FT she would be able to pay ay least half of the bills.

They need to claim benefits & see what help that gives them while they both look for work. Im her late 50s with little work history the friend will struggle. They will both have to take any job they can get. It’s unrealistic that they thought they could live off the divorce settlement indefinitely with no plans for the future.

There was a similar situation with the ex of a relative through marriage.

The ex got a large settlement post-divorce and never worked. She'd stopped working as soon as she got married. She was about 60 when the relative through marriage died unexpectedly.

She expected support to continue ad infinitum and went to court to claim his pension and half the house he'd lived in. She didn't get it. The house had been paid for in its entirety by his partner - and she had the paperwork to prove it. The pension went to his child.

Her house had been paid off in the settlement, so I presume that she's living there and living off the state pension and pension credit.

They both need jobs.

I'd stay out of it though.

They both need jobs

This!! No reason why BOTH of them shouldn't be working.

I totally agree, but neither should the mother be responsible for keeping her daughter

For her own sake, the daughter needs to work - some day she'll be on her own with no one there to support her.

I've had a HCP tell me that I'm probably on the spectrum - high-functioning autistic with ADHD. That does make a lot of sense: I was diagnosed with OCD in my 30s and younger family members have diagnoses of Asperger's (as it then was) and also ADHD. Looking back, we clearly had older family members - great-uncles - who were on the spectrum but high-functioning. So far as I'm concerned - yes, I do have some of the traits of both conditions.

I had to learn to fake eye contact - one of the things that the daughter might be talking about if she's referring to 'masking', @Anita4PawsMomma .

If the daughter is spending a lot of time online, she'll have seen the many groups for ND people out there. The problem is that a lot of those - particularly for young people - push the narrative that family members should be supporting young people all the time and that the young people absolutely cannot be expected to earn a living and that it's cruel, etc.

It's only when old farts my age (65) join the conversation that anyone points out that parents don't live forever and they're going to have to support themselves eventually.

I can only speak for myself, but I found many aspects of life easier when I had the structure of a job. (I quit work unwillingly when I was 58 - my husband had had a stroke 5 yrs previously. When I say 'unwillingly', I mean that it was my choice, given my late husband's health and care needs, but giving up my work was a real wrench and a financial worry.)

Whether or not the daughter is genuinely on the spectrum is a bit of a red herring. (The same as my situation.) Whether or not someone's personality traits are a result of neurodivergence is only relevant in that it can help you to make sense of yourself. The bottom line is that you have to deal with the hand that you have - and if you're capable of reading up on it and communicating that you believe that you're on the spectrum, then you're certainly high-functioning and capable of making your way in the world - even if it is a bit more difficult. There's really no other option.

The OP is obviously concerned, but she'll just have to let her friend and daughter muddle on. (Yes, it might well be that mother and daughter are both ND.)

it sounds like your ‘friend’ has made you feel like you need to care for her in some way and you seem to get something from that.

is being involved in this enabling them? Giving her sympathy? She really should be getting some kind of job and sorting this out herself op rather than you

1/3 of ASD people work.

They both sound ASD to me.