To Think Friends Adult Daughter Needs to Step Up And Help Her Mum

Stay out of it and don’t give them money. They can both work. Plenty of autistic adults can work so from what you’ve said this shouldn’t be a barrier. If it is then she can see support. But your friend can get a job at least.

I’m not sure why she’s so worried about something that’s completely in her control.

What planet do these people live on?

Thinking they can survive indefinitely on a payout without even bothering to plan for the future

You said hundreds of thousands?! Where did it go?

They need to attend their local job centre so they can make a claim for universal credit.

They could also consider selling the house and down sizing.

you ought to step back because they don’t want to hear what you have to say by the sounds of it!

I hope she had the sense to pay the mortgage off with her lump sum!

Your friend might have mental health issues that have never been addressed, sounds like she never really taught the daughter how to be self sufficient that’s not the daughters fault that’s the mothers fault. I had an uncle that lived off benefits since the 70’s really he has Asperger’s but mental health issues but he is very clever & manipulative. If he had had input in his 30’s he could have lived a productive life. Still managed to inherit a house & money which he is turning into a hovel ( hoarder)any help he is given there is an element of entitlement. The mother needs to evict her from the house only then will she be forced to get a job.

Save your sympathy. She raised and wanted a daughter that’s completely dependent on her. This is what she has.

I didn't read OPs post as a suggestion that the daughter should be somehow responsible for her mother, more that she should be responsible for herself after a life of freeloading.

If the daughter has never worked, she's presumably living in her mother's house for free, not contributing to household bills or food and living off her mother's settlement money. She absolutely needs to step up and contribute.

The mother needs to get a job she also needs to be very firm in the daughter gets a job and pays rent or she moves out and the mum can get a lodger in her room.

Neither will get UC if they cannot be bothered to look for work unless they have a genuine recognised disability. She’s not retirement age so will expected to work.

Yes if she can’t pay bills the companies can come after the house.

A sugar daddy would solve this. 2 for the price of 1.

If she is manipulative, you know where she learnt that. Theres a reason she cant make friends or be independent.. all these behaviours were taught to her by your friend.

And tbh the only one you can advise is your friend but id still keep out of it

Her daughter could work. She could work.

Regardless this isnt your circus...

If your friend and her daughter claim universal credit they may get offered work experience programs to help them towards employment.

She can look at a benefits calculator online (Entitled to is one). This will work out what she can claim.

They won't get Job Seekers Allowance as they won't meet the National Insurance Contribution criteria if they haven't worked in the last 2/3 years,

Its not your problem and nobody knows your friend on here or her daughter.

The only benefits either of them will get if they are fit and healthy is job seekers allowance. That’s it. Contrary to the BS spouted all over MN, universal credit doesn’t just let people sit around doing nothing for money.

The daughter is about to learn what living in the real world is like and she’s not going to like it.

Sell, downsize and they both look for work.

This.

But they have to do it for themselves, stay out of it.

Couldn't agree with this comment more.

I think your friend really needs to take responsibility for herself and by labelling her daughter as manipulative or attention seeking, she and you are giving your friend another reason why she can shirk her own responsibilities. Stop focusing on the daughter and allow the friend to try and start addressing her situation without finding ways to blame her child for the way her life is turning out.

I'd stay far, far away from this.

This sounds like an issue of their own making, that both mother and daughter knew was coming.
The mother at least must have realised, "If we keep spending at our current rate, the money is going to run out in 5 years... 2 years... 6 months..." If she didn't realise that... Well, she's stupid enough to deserve it.

Why can't your friend work? What excuse does she have for 30 years of sitting on her arse?

well they can both apply for universal credit, which may help keep the wolf from the door in the short term, but it will come with conditions - so they will both be expected to work and expected to demonstrate that they are actively looking and applying for work.

Universal credit wont be interested in whether the daughter now thinks she is autistic - any extra payments would need to be documented and verified. You cannot simply apply for PIP with no evidence, and you wont get the UC top up without PIP I dont believe any more.

So if its true then its likely that she is going to need a formal diagnosis. However an autism diagnosis isnt a guarantee of getting PIP, because as others have said, its not paid for having a condition, its to do with what outside help you need doing all sorts of things, from getting washed and dressed, to communication, to mobility, to understanding instructions and feeding yourself.

Many people with autism work. Many people with autism that was diagnosed later in life realise why they struggled with work without the support they needed. Some people with autism can only work part time. Some people with autism will be able to flourish in their field given the right support. Its not a one size fits all disability (we have a range of functioning levels in our family, many which have ebbed and flowed over time) Its impossible to know if she has or has not, but her first step should be to takle her suspicions to a professional.

So the short answer is yes, they can claim benefits, but its not going to be the easy ride that they seem to think it may be, and its not going to keep them for long in a lifestyle that they may have been accustomed to, if they have gone through alot of money in a relative short time period, compared to having budgeted and planned for their future.

They may both want to check out their pensions too, because without working or claiming benefits, they may not have many/any contributions and especially for mum, she hasnt too long to make the figures up.

I don't understand why they can't both work, even if they both had full-time minimum wage jobs they'd have a household income of just over 40k after tax, without a mortgage to pay which is most people's biggest outgoing they'd be fine, you could say comfortable with just 2 people. Many people with high paying jobs but a big mortgage and nursery fees will have a smaller disposable income than they'd have working min wage, no children and no mortgage.

I honestly don't see an issue, they just need to get up and go to work. Quite simple really, they don't need benefits they need jobs, people making sugestions on what they could claim are ridiculous, not wanting to work is not a reason not to work.

If she gets to the point where she can't pay bills such as power and council tax, then she will be declared bankrupt and if her house is her only asset, then - yes - it can be sold to pay off her creditors. So, she really does need to get her head out of the sand, and work out a plan. Organisations such as Citizens Advice Bureau will be helpful - so perhaps you should encourage her to go to talk to them as a first step?

Yes they both can get benefits but along with that they would need to show they were actively looking for work

Having autism doesn’t mean you can’t get a job or go out to work.

Really if this girl thinks she is on the spectrum then she needs to get a referral. It won’t stop her getting work though if that is what she thinks

Honestly your friend needs her own life and to push her dd to have her own life as well and stop being selfish.

I can somewhat empathise with the dd who probably has over the years tried to get friends and boyfriends and has realised that with her mother interfering it is a lost cause so has given up.

Ultimately your friend wanted the status quo so she has got exactly what she wanted. The problem is with no income the money was bound to run out and her constant interfering has led to a dd who has given up and given her mother exactly what she wanted.
Your friend can’t change the goalposts now she has what she wanted without a huge backlash

There is nothing you can do. Do not give her any money. Suggest local food banks to keep her going. I think she's got her head in the sand, but when her electricity gets switched off and she doesn't have money for groceries the penny will drop. She'll sign on and look for work, 50 is still young. She's set a terrible example to her daughter! They'll both need to get jobs!

You seem very involved in your friend's life @Anita4PawsMomma and her relationship with her daughter. You'd be better off staying out of it all. I wouldn't appreciate someone sticking their neb in my personal private business.

They might both be autistic. Maybe suggest they get counselling from a therapist specialising jn autism. It sounds like a rather sad situation. Perhaps you could gently suggest this to them.

I checked on the entitled to website. Obviously not knowing their exact situation, looks like they may be entitled to UC and council tax contribution. For one adult it showed £500 per month, I don’t know if the second adult would get the same. To get any disability they would need a diagnosis.

80%of people with autism also don't work.