To Think Friends Adult Daughter Needs to Step Up And Help Her Mum

I'm not entirely sure, if i knew i wouldn't dare say anything

I don't think the mum likes me much. She once sent a message to my DH saying I was a "princess" and a "narcissist" (!) as i talk a lot about my health problems and I guess shd found it hard to listen and empathise. 😟😳 Well, at least I have a job and work in spite of my movement disorder and head injury. I've never really found her lack of ability to get a job very good, especially as she has no reason not to.😵‍💫

Or getting both getting a job

How does she go on qualifying for benefits?

Your friend created this so she needs to fix it, they both need to get jobs no one can do this for them

perhaps a different kind of support may be helpful and may help you feel less worried or frustrated. For example, offering to give a lift to the citizens advice bureau etc. That kind of thing can really help people if they’re struggling and it doesn’t mean doing it for them or having an opinion on the situation, just being there with them when they negotiate their way.

Not your circus, not your monkeys. If she asks for advice, recommend she speaks to Citizens Advice, but you can’t fix her life for her

I find it scary that society wants to label so many many people as autistic or ADHD and see it as a life of not working!! This is a bleak future when people are conditioning every other kid to think that they are disabled and will need benefits instead of working when they grow up! You've got so many families where they claim all their kids are ND and mum always wants a diagnosis as well! Where is all the money going to come from to buy all these economically inactive people a free life.

If that was aimed at my comment, I apologise. I didn’t mean to come across as rude. Its ignorance more than anything. I think I meant that it seems cruel to offer cash to someone knowing they don’t have the capacity to spend it on resources that will help them. And it would seem better to directly offer them the resources instead. But you’re right. If there is someone in their life that can manage the money for them, they’re lucky and that makes sense.

My dd has PIP and ASD. The simple answer to your disablist comment is someone else manages it for them.

It’s that simple.

Doesn’t excuse manipulative behaviour (or does it, I don’t know much about autism)

What a lot of people see as manipulation within autism is actually the person struggling with their nervous system. It is dysregulation and rigid thinking patterns.

It can manifest in lots of different ways.

In this case it could be that the DD has gotten into a daily routine due which has been facilitated by not working and the prospect of that routine changing causing dysregulation which can look combative, argumentative and lead to short tempers and harsh words being shared. It can even lead to physical behaviors, externalised or internalised. It can lead to feeling suicidal, or expressing that you feel suicidal which is usually more often than not an extreme way of saying "wow, this feels completely out of my control and the only way I feel I can make this stop right now is by killing myself" even if the change to systems and routines is a small one and the response is seen as disproportional. It can also lead to a lot of self injurious stims which outsiders can feel is emotionally manipulative.

I see lots of posts about autism and it not being an excuse to be manipulative. It is really not that black and white. When the behaviours being perceived as manipulative are key characteristics of the disability itself then you might as well say autism is not an excuse to be autistic, but as I said it is not that black and white and even autistic people are capable of being manipulative and of lying too.

We simply don't have enough information to say for certain that the OPs friend or DD are autistic. There is information available that gives plausability in the OPs post that lots of people are extrapolating from the data we have, but if the OP suggests that maybe the DD or friend are autistic, I can't see that landing well. It is something they need to be willing to be assessed for themselves and requires substantial evidence and knowledge for self advocacy.

The solution really is black and white though isn’t.

And it’s not the daughter’s sole responsibility - her mother is an adult too.

They both need to get a job. It really is that simple isn’t it unless there is significant health issues preventing them from doing so. In that case they can apply for benefits.

They both sound lazy. Why is 'can they get benefits?' your first idea/solution? They need to work.

They won't get that as they haven't worked recently. It'll be UC and they'll be (rightly) hounded every month to get work, or face a sanction.

Makes me wonder if cash help through the form of benefits is useful to anyone with autism, if they aren’t able to manage that money. They need help in other ways instead. Free life skills support, extra needs higher education, employability skills etc. housing with support, but not just cash (if that’s how the system works?)

it is certainly helpful to some people with autism. And many people with autism are able to manage money. Autism is a spectrum so there will be a big difference between different people’s abilities, needs etc.

but yes, cash help (especially if not accompanied with the necessary non-financial support) to people that are unable to manage money is potentially problematic.

I was thinking the same about both of them maybe being on the spectrum. Doesn’t excuse manipulative behaviour (or does it, I don’t know much about autism) but if neither have received support and are left to their own devices with a ton of cash, it can’t end well if neither of them have life skills.

I think the OP said the divorce was a few years ago and the daughter is in her late 20s. So maybe they had support before the divorce from the dad, and didn’t recognise they needed extra help until left to their own devices.

Makes me wonder if cash help through the form of benefits is useful to anyone with autism, if they aren’t able to manage that money. They need help in other ways instead. Free life skills support, extra needs higher education, employability skills etc. housing with support, but not just cash (if that’s how the system works?)

people say she has pissed the money up the wall, but we dont know the whole scenario, nor the full amount, nor how long ago the settlement came through.

It sounds as if its a clean break settlement, which may mean the mum recieved no child maintanance from the dad. It sounds as if she may not function well, and if she cant, she cant teach the daughter how to. If daughter IS autistic, she may have needed alot of support through school - OP doesnt say if she went to college/ FE or if sahe walked out at 14. And ASD is often hereditary - so mum may well have it too, hence not being as able to have worked this all out a long time ago and set the example everyone here thinks she should have done.

OP says hundreds of thousands, but daughter is late 20s, so even if it was £400K, thats only £20K a year for both of them to live on, if the divorce was when the daughter was, maybe 7-8. Because Im assuming that she isnt financially savvy so didnt have any advice about what to do with the money. If it was 25 years ago then only £16k.

OP doesnt say theyve been living the highlife, fancy cars, lavish holidays, designer clothes - and it seems they've never claimed anything before now - it is possible that they thought that it would all be OK. She may not even have known about things like 25% discount on council tax, etc. Hopefully she was getting child benefit, as that at least would have paid her NI for her pension.

But even so, its not OPs problem to sort out, and although scary, the job centre will help. Allowing both of them to get into the world may prove to be the best thing for them, and hopefully they will get some support.

Also early 50s is not that old. She is going to have to get a part time job in a shop or something.

She created this daughter. It's her fault she has ended up this way. She wanted her to be dependent on her, and it worked. They will have to downsize or get a job and that's it really. They have been lucky with money.

Sounds like your friend is reaping the consequences of not giving her daughter the tools to live an independent life.

Give a Man a Fish, and You Feed Him for a Day. Teach a Man To Fish, and You Feed Him for a Lifetime
Do not enable, just guide them. CBA for example

I really, really hope that they can't claim any benefits! I'm not usually one to jump on the anti-benefit bandwagon but it would be a fucking disgrace if this pair have idled around, pissing their money up the wall for and then moved onto tax payers money.

You say this is 'partially' your friend's fault. I'd say this is almost entirely your friend's fault. She's been beyond irresponsible and set her daughter a terrible example. Your friend needs to get her act in gear and get a job. I can't imagine her daughter is going to get a job whilst her mother is scrounging off the tax payers because she's never been taught otherwise.

Yes they can apply for uc but they will both be expected to job search for 35 hours a week and their job search will send them on courses, to do work experience etc if not successful after a few weeks,

Stay out of it OP, it's not your business and you shouldn't take sides, especially as they have created this sad situation between them. If they both seriously ask you for practical suggestions, then you might be able to help.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

You seem overinvolved. It sounds like you've given lots of advice and it's fallen on deaf ears. So be it. Is there something preventing your friend from being proactive and looking up information about benefits or calling citizen's advice?

If she's not working and she has less than £16,000 in savings/investments, then your friend - and her daughter - will be eligible for Universal Credit. However, they will be expected to look for work, unless they have a health condition that limits/prevents them from working.

https://www.gov.uk/universal-credit/eligibility