To not take my 3 and 5 year olds to restaurants

The big difference is the waiting!

At home, I don't seat my kids at the table, wait for 10 mins, take a drinks order, wait 5 mins, bring them drinks, ask what they want to eat, wait 20 mins, bring it out to them.

They play until I say "kids, dinner is ready"

Now at 6 and 9 the sort of thing they occupy themselves with at home is quite restaurant compatible, card games, books etc, but at 3 what they wanted to do was build a train track etc..

@BuddhaAtSea for us, the difference was that the children were more excitable if we were out somewhere. Dinner at home wasn’t particularly exciting and there were routines in place- the meal was generally at the same time every day, they didn’t come to the table until the meal was ready and served and there weren’t loads of other people around/music playing etc. A restaurant was a lot more exciting and new for them. There are other people around, and you have to wait a while for your food to arrive. Or maybe the hand dryer in the loos is particularly fun and you want to keep going back to the loos to have another go with it. Or a customer over there has a dog or a baby that you would like to go and look at.

Plus at home they weren’t going to impact on anyone else if their voices/giggles got a bit too loud. Mine were great at home- lovely table manners.

My daughter is a dream to take out! Always has been, but I have another on the way and I know that there may be an every chance he’s not the same. Just do what’s right for you and the family. I did use screen time at the start now the tablet is collecting dust as she’s rather talk and colour and read or play with toys she’s 3.6 yrs old. It’s just one of them. I could never take her to a library from 1-2 as she wouldn’t sit down and read a book with me lol. There all different you’re doing nothing wrong xxx

Lots of good comments here. My additions:

• we have had good and bad experiences eating out, sometimes it’s unavoidable. Husband is more bothered & impatient than I am, and that causes 50% of the stress. If it doesn’t work for the adults, the kids will pick up on that, and act up more. So be mindful of that when deciding if it’s worth trying.
• Activities we found that worked: water colouring books, find it books, felt/velcro puzzles, etc.
• After ordering or between courses, taking the kids for a 5min walk outside or through the restaurant to look at pictures is good.
• We include the kids in conversation and play finding/spotting games, (find 5 red or 3 round things) etc. quietly counting wrong or being corrected is a great attention grabber/reset.
• Bringing raisins as pre/between course snacks helps too.
• bribery works too. Cake cake cake!

Ultimately if people (other than parents) want to see kids off screens, we need to accept kids will behave like kids, even in public. Find the places that have that ethos. I find if the restaurant staff are older they’re friendlier and more understanding than teens/ young adults.

What are they like at home? The idea is to practice at home repeatedly.
Then take them out to a cafe for a quick bite. Practice that.
Then move on to a restaurant. And no starters, mains, and leave.
If they can use cutlery, sit at the table without screens at home, then you can slowly transition them to doing this outside the home.

I’m one of those people who carted her kid everywhere from the day she was born. I’m foreign, for context. I’m not going to sit here being holier than thou, but what difference does it make eating out, or eating at home? They still need to wait, use cutlery, make conversation, not make a mess, no playing at the table, use a napkin, don’t speak with food in the mouth etc.
I’d look at how they behave at mealtime at home and work on that. But I don’t agree with not taking them to eat out.

Are their table manners crap at home? Or are they just feral in public?
Start somewhere child friendly and low pressured. Where there is a park or soft play that they can go to after if they behave well.
Also, make sure standards at home mirror those when you are out. Real cutlery, no tv, no getting down from the table.

Maybe try somewhere super quick - coffee and snack rather than lunch/dinner so attention spans don’t get exhausted?

This is exactly what we’ve done - since the kids were born we’ve done fairly low key places (Wetherspoons, Brewers Fayre, Harvester etc) - places that wouldn’t have been our pick pre kids but where I don’t feel anxious if they need to be taken out. At 3.5 and 5 now we can take them to slightly nicer places and they’re well practiced in behaving (usually!) We’re not going to Michelin starred restaurants (not that we could afford them!) but can now be fairly confident that they’ll be behave with enough non-screen distractions in a ‘naice’ local pub or cafe.

I did too

We went to a restaurant once in my whole childhood in the seventies and it was a nightmare, I hated it but that was mainly because restaurants did not really like kids back in the seventies. We weren't poor but my parents did not think it was worth the money or the hassle. Pubs were worse, I recall going once into a 'family room' that looked like a prison call. At least there are places to go now.

With my son, I've never tolerated him getting out his chair/running around/shouting etc. - and made it clear that if he wasn't behaving we would leave Immediately. That approach worked for us but all children are different.

The issue I always had with mine with that approach is that they generally didn't want to be in the restaurant in the first place so it wasn't really a good threat!

I agree with you OP that screens are not the way to go. My son is 5 and has been going to cafes/restaurants since he was 2. We started off in very child friendly places. Places with quick service are also much better as it's the waiting from ordering to food arriving that can be hard. Yours maybe just aren't ready yet, they are still young and some kids aren't so comfortable in that kind of environment. With my son, I've never tolerated him getting out his chair/running around/shouting etc. - and made it clear that if he wasn't behaving we would leave Immediately. That approach worked for us but all children are different.

Same here. We only went to a cafe the other day and it was a disaster! I think we've given up eating out for a while!

We used to practice in greasy spoons. I have 2 girls and they were a nightmare so it is not a boy thing. Once they were so awful a woman congratulated us on telling them off (saying so many people don't nowadays) and I think she was being nice but I just thought she was joking.

In retrospect I'm not sure I'd bother until they were ready if I had the time again but as a sahm the constant drudgery of cooking and clearing up gets to you after a while and I was determined to eat something I hadn't cooked even if it was only egg and chips.

Yeah my chap didn't really settle down until he was around 5. We go early so it will be quiet, try and opt for a place with a booth, no dessert if not behaving. It will get easier with time and practice.

Pizza express at lunch time or early dinner is usually full of families.
if you’re not bothered about eating out then it doesn’t matter but if you’d like to just look for child friendly places.
Go early kids so kids aren’t tired or too hungry, go somewhere that’s quite quick service, go to a booth or a corner table so you feel less conspicuous, get the colouring books out or kids menu and crayons, simple games like that the dot boxes one, bribe with ice cream. Don’t use screens - it’s a hard habit to get out of.

If you look at it from a child's perspective, they really don't see the benefits of eating out.

As an adult, you enjoy not having to clean up or cook - they don't do that anyway

You enjoy trying new food - kids this age generally don't

You enjoy chatting - kids this age generally prefer to interact by playing not talking

Better to practice these skills a bit more at home than restaurants in my opinion and when they are older it's a lot easier

We avoided restaurants except when absolutely necessary when ours were this age, now they are 6 and 9, their restaurant manners are great. We still tend to take something for them to do - books, card games etc

They aren’t ready. Thank you for being considerate of other patrons.

I’m with you. We didn’t eat out for years when my kids were this age as it just sucked for other restaurant goers to deal with kids wanting to get up and us constantly telling them no no no and keep quiet etc. I can’t abide screens for kids at table. Also didn’t stay in hotels, same reason.

they are 10+ now and only just started to eat out.

Some kids develop skills later than others. Probably if we’d majored on loads of eating out my kids would have learned sooner but i felt that was a social experiment that would have ruined a lot of other people’s meals on the way.

Us neither. I don't like screens at the table and my boys wouldn't sit for long at that age, so we ate at home. They'll probably be fine in a couple of years.

Fair enough. At that age we only frequented pubs with a soft play or outdoor space. They were filled with other families dealing with their own annoying kids so that worked out fine.

Cafes for a quick meal/cake are probably a good training ground if you catch them in that ‘I’m hungry not hangry’ stage. Get in and out at speed 😊

Yeah we just didn’t take them until they were older

I have a 2 and 4 year old and we have meals out that are disasters and others that are great! A lot of it is practice and if they eat properly at home and at the table that will make it much easier.

New toys or sticker books work with mine and choosing a child friendly place that are quick with serving food once you’ve ordered. Don’t do anything like ordering starters and ours love going out for food because they get to have “treat” food like pizza and ice cream. If we are going somewhere nicer with the extended family, I try to set expectations at the door and basically hope for the best.

If you really feel you cant get traction just give it a break for now but my personal feeling is its a life skill and you are just kicking the can down the road.

Ours are almost 2 and almost 4 it's not perfect but much improved since I made a conscious effort to tackle it so we could actually enjoy going out.
We dont do screens.

I try and take them to easy places (McDonald's we do 1 x per month as I just dont think a hamburger a few chips and some milk and apple is that bad). I think this has really helped tbh...

We also do cafes / coffee shops and I get them involved in ordered / paying / picking tables / getting napkins etc. so they are occupied.
This helps with restaurants.

Tactics

• We take the kids for a good run around before
• We are fast. Dh and i look at the menu ahead of time and when we sit down we give the server drinks order, kids pick their food and when they drop the drinks we order. When they bring the food I tell them (quietly) we will want a prompt dessert for the kids and we order and get the bill when they clear plates. I use the lure of dessert to incentivise good behaviour.
• I bring colouring, stickers and portable magnatiles.
• We engage them in conversation about things they like / their world.

I also practice patience with them a lot in daily life
I make it a stretch for them but not extra hard / so they are at boiling point

My 5 year old is ok in a restaurant but we don’t go out as a family with my 2 year old. I took her to a cafe this week and she wanted to get up after 10 mins.