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Original poster

To tell them not to bother coming for Xmas?

533 replies

WantToHibernate · 08/12/2025 07:54

We are doing Xmas dinner this year for my husbands family and my mum and brother. We have a mix of vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters so dinner menu will reflect this.

I’ve been vegan for 20 years and my daughter who is 17 has become vegan this year. My husband and other child eat meat.

My mother and brother have always disapproved of me being vegan. Over the years they’ve told me I’m wrong and will be ill. They also do stupid things like make animal noises when they eat meat which I just roll my eyes at. Now they’ve found out, whilst discussing Xmas dinner menus at our house this weekend, that my daughter has become vegan and they’ve responded as expected, telling her she’ll be ill, that she shouldn’t listen to me ‘brainwashing and bullying’ her, quizzing her on why she has become vegan, telling her she’s mad and no better than them. My daughter remained calm, said it was her decision, that I obviously haven’t bullied or brainwashed her, that she doesn’t think she’s any better than anyone else, she just wants to be vegan. When they continued were quiz her on why she has become a vegan, they called her a ‘typical preachy vegan’. She wasn’t preaching, she just answered their questions.

Things got heated as my mother started shouting. I told her that she doesn’t get to shout at my daughter in our house about this, and that if they both don’t stop the comments they can leave and not bother coming for Xmas. My brother said our mum can say what she likes and that I owed my mum an apology for saying that. My daughter left the room. My son told my mum and brother that they were out of line and went to check on my daughter. My mum and brother left.

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter. I’ve not responded as I wanted to cool down before I did, but my husband has said to just uninvited them because they’re arseholes and he’s not risking them upsetting our daughter on Xmas day. My daughter says she isn’t bothered and thinks they’re idiots.

If I uninvite them, I think that will probably be the end of my relationships with them but I think that is possibly for the best. There have been lots of problems with them over the years and I think we may be happier without them. They have had issues with other aspects of our life, choices we’ve made, my husbands family (who are all lovely) who they see as ‘snobby’, so the vegan issue is just another thing. They are ok is small doses. My other siblings have low or no contact with them and although I invited them to dinner too, they won’t come because our mother and brother are coming.

OP posts:
Ilovepastafortea · 08/12/2025 16:53

Oh dear Christmas sometimes brings out the worst in people(!)

As others have said - your house, your rules. If your relatives are going to be rude and insulting, I think it would be better if they made their own arrangements for Christmas.

Personally I think that you are being beyond hospitable cooking meat even though you're vegan. I have several vegan friends & relatives and I wouldn't expect them to handle something that they feel is offensive and wrong such as meat. I'd be looking forward to experiencing a wonderful vegan meal in the company of my lovely family.

Hippobot · 08/12/2025 16:51

They sound insufferable. I would absolutely dread having them on Xmas day, spoiling things for others. Tell them to get tae fuck and they can have Christmas just the 2 of them, making non-stop animals noises together. Cretins.

Therealjudgejudy · 08/12/2025 16:47

Well done for uninviting them. They would ruin your day

StruggleFlourish · 08/12/2025 16:43

OP, You know this is not about Christmas and you know this is not about the meal that you were going to prepare, you said that they have disrespected you many times, that they have been cruel and they have ganged up against you and now they are bullying your daughter as well, and you know that if you draw the line here, that maybe the end of the relationships but, really? Won't your life be easier?
I know you can't replace family, your siblings, your parents, they're blood... But, if they are toxic and this isn't a one-time thing or a minor disagreement, that this is a long long time coming, I think that your life will be a lot happier, your life as well as your daughters, If they weren't a part of it.

DBD1975 · 08/12/2025 16:34

KingJanie · 08/12/2025 08:06

You don't have to uninvite them first tell them how upset you were by the way they spoke to your DD and at how they persistently attack you for being a vegan.
Tell them if they are coming for Christmas you expect them to keep their opinions on veganism to themselves and be polite to the other guests. If they can't do that they shouldn't come.

Make them responsible for their own behaviour and choices.

This totally, excellent advice.

JustSawJohnny · 08/12/2025 16:31

WantToHibernate · 08/12/2025 10:30

No we don’t. The topic of food came up because we were talking about what we plan to have for Xmas dinner. My mother was being her usual arsehole self mocking what I was planning to eat because I’m vegan. My daughter stood up for me and told her that she’d been vegan since February and that she’d be eating the same as me. So no, we obviously don’t speak about it at every opportunity, as my daughter has been vegan for 10 months and they weren’t even aware.

Show quote history

Well done for standing up for yourself.

In my experience, nobody goes on about veganism more than people who hate vegans!

Edenmum2 · 08/12/2025 16:30

Yep they wouldn’t be coming into my home. Think what a great time you’ll have without them.

Yogabearmous · 08/12/2025 16:29

Uninvite them and go nc. They are awful

Gibstub · 08/12/2025 16:23

I agree with your husband.

RoamingToaster · 08/12/2025 16:17

I think you've made the right decision. At least this way you know you'll likely have a nice Christmas.

It would have been one thing if they'd responded apologising, but to tell you where they'll be sitting at your table was ridiculous.

KeepAwayFromChildren · 08/12/2025 16:16

WantToHibernate · 08/12/2025 11:33

I really don’t know. If she gets drunk, it’s a possibility.

Thankfully our house is behind electric gates (something we’ve been called snobby for by them 🙄) so they couldn’t get in easily if they did turn up.

I really hope they don’t turn up as my husbands parents will be here and his mum would be very upset if they caused a scene. His parents are like the ‘perfect parents’ that everyone would want, so my mum has been very difficult for them to get their head around. When I first had to explain the situation to them years ago, I could see the horror/pity/sadness in their eyes and they probably wondered what their son had got himself involved with. 😂 I know his parents were apprehensive about my mum being here for Xmas, so now that they’re not invited, they’ll have a much better day as long as she and my brother don’t turn up.

Show quote history

Protect yourself by wiring the gate the 240v supply telling them you have decided to spend Christmas with your MIL.

Poodlelove · 08/12/2025 16:16

Tell them Christmas is cancelled or that everyone will be having a vegan meal on the day .

Lesleyhill22 · 08/12/2025 16:13

WantToHibernate · 08/12/2025 07:54

We are doing Xmas dinner this year for my husbands family and my mum and brother. We have a mix of vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters so dinner menu will reflect this.

I’ve been vegan for 20 years and my daughter who is 17 has become vegan this year. My husband and other child eat meat.

My mother and brother have always disapproved of me being vegan. Over the years they’ve told me I’m wrong and will be ill. They also do stupid things like make animal noises when they eat meat which I just roll my eyes at. Now they’ve found out, whilst discussing Xmas dinner menus at our house this weekend, that my daughter has become vegan and they’ve responded as expected, telling her she’ll be ill, that she shouldn’t listen to me ‘brainwashing and bullying’ her, quizzing her on why she has become vegan, telling her she’s mad and no better than them. My daughter remained calm, said it was her decision, that I obviously haven’t bullied or brainwashed her, that she doesn’t think she’s any better than anyone else, she just wants to be vegan. When they continued were quiz her on why she has become a vegan, they called her a ‘typical preachy vegan’. She wasn’t preaching, she just answered their questions.

Things got heated as my mother started shouting. I told her that she doesn’t get to shout at my daughter in our house about this, and that if they both don’t stop the comments they can leave and not bother coming for Xmas. My brother said our mum can say what she likes and that I owed my mum an apology for saying that. My daughter left the room. My son told my mum and brother that they were out of line and went to check on my daughter. My mum and brother left.

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter. I’ve not responded as I wanted to cool down before I did, but my husband has said to just uninvited them because they’re arseholes and he’s not risking them upsetting our daughter on Xmas day. My daughter says she isn’t bothered and thinks they’re idiots.

If I uninvite them, I think that will probably be the end of my relationships with them but I think that is possibly for the best. There have been lots of problems with them over the years and I think we may be happier without them. They have had issues with other aspects of our life, choices we’ve made, my husbands family (who are all lovely) who they see as ‘snobby’, so the vegan issue is just another thing. They are ok is small doses. My other siblings have low or no contact with them and although I invited them to dinner too, they won’t come because our mother and brother are coming.

Yes have a firm but polite word with them. Say that it’ll be too stresssful for them and yourselves as opinions on dietary differences may cause an argument. As an alternative, perhaps you might invite them around in the evening for snacks and drinks.

It’s your decision and why would you really want the additional aggro on such a busy day.

Bayroot1 · 08/12/2025 16:11

THEY AREN'T INVITED NOW!

JohnTheRevelator · 08/12/2025 16:11

They sound awful.

Bluedenimdoglover · 08/12/2025 16:08

Just tell them that you will be serving vegan food as well as meat at the Christmas lunch and you prefer them to visit after lunch is finished. Your dietary choices appear to upset them and you do not want arguments on Christmas Day, but would like them to participate with the family later.

GameOfJones · 08/12/2025 16:08

Please show your children that you are not a doormat and you will protect the peace of your own family. You'll all have a much nicer day without the pair of ignorant pigs there.

Your brother's message is astonishingly rude. People like this will just not get it so I would be very, very clear in my reply.

"I'm surprised you are trying to dictate seating plans for Christmas Day in my home since I was very clear that if you and DM carried on you were no longer invited. Unfortunately, since you continued it is for the best that we do our separate things this year. I won't tolerate anyone shouting at and upsetting DD in her own home. Have a good Christmas, we'll drop off your presents on the 26th."

Then switch off your phone on Christmas Day and keep your gates locked.

LittleMissyHappyMe · 08/12/2025 15:59

Credit to you (despite having a judgemental mum) for raising children who make (supported) decision, answer (stupid) questions calmly, walk away for the shouting & then check on each other.
Enjoy your Christmas with them

Imdunfer · 08/12/2025 15:56

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 08/12/2025 08:00

I pressed YABU by mistake and can’t change it, sorry!

I would disinvite without hesitation.

You can change it, you just tap the other one and the tick will swap over.

Millytante · 08/12/2025 15:48

YourAmplePlumPoster · 08/12/2025 13:24

Book the local pub where they all pick their own menu. You can have the veggie options.

Why would anyone relish such a feast day spent in the company of these Yahoos? The personal attacks by OP’s mother would surely just carry on anyway, but with added resentment.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 08/12/2025 15:32

Yeah, uninvite them. I eat vegan food; I also eat meat. I respect other people's lifestyle choices. I'll be honest, your mum sounds like the proverbial badger's arse! Shouting at your daughter in her own home? FFS.

purplecorkheart · 08/12/2025 15:31

Uninvite. Sorry but your children should not be subject to this behavior. I understand that you want to keep in touch with your brother but to be honest he sounds toxic and clearly under your mother's control. It would also be hugely uncomfortable for your inlaws. Hopefully your other siblings might come instead.

TittyGajillions · 08/12/2025 15:25

JoClogs · 08/12/2025 12:33

I agree - calm down first - it's your mother after all and it's a bit of a silly argument. They should shake hands and agree to disagree.

I became vegetarian when I was 17 shortly before Xmas and had similar reactions from my mother - it's not the end of the world

Edited
Show quote history

Have you read and understood anything that OP has said?

Jennaxoxox · 08/12/2025 15:25

I wouldn't have my mam or brother treat my kids like that. I am very much a drama avoider so I would be avoiding that drama especially at Xmas and even more especially since the in-laws are coming. Its just embarrassing your mam and brother behaving like that. I dont have the time or the patience. I understand and wee laugh and a joke here and there but they are just ridiculous, even your daughter thinks they're idiots 🤦‍♀️

carpool · 08/12/2025 15:18

Hi brother and mother, don't worry you won't be sitting near me or DD on Christmas Day because you will be several miles away sitting at your own table

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