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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell them not to bother coming for Xmas?

533 replies

WantToHibernate · 08/12/2025 07:54

We are doing Xmas dinner this year for my husbands family and my mum and brother. We have a mix of vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters so dinner menu will reflect this.

I’ve been vegan for 20 years and my daughter who is 17 has become vegan this year. My husband and other child eat meat.

My mother and brother have always disapproved of me being vegan. Over the years they’ve told me I’m wrong and will be ill. They also do stupid things like make animal noises when they eat meat which I just roll my eyes at. Now they’ve found out, whilst discussing Xmas dinner menus at our house this weekend, that my daughter has become vegan and they’ve responded as expected, telling her she’ll be ill, that she shouldn’t listen to me ‘brainwashing and bullying’ her, quizzing her on why she has become vegan, telling her she’s mad and no better than them. My daughter remained calm, said it was her decision, that I obviously haven’t bullied or brainwashed her, that she doesn’t think she’s any better than anyone else, she just wants to be vegan. When they continued were quiz her on why she has become a vegan, they called her a ‘typical preachy vegan’. She wasn’t preaching, she just answered their questions.

Things got heated as my mother started shouting. I told her that she doesn’t get to shout at my daughter in our house about this, and that if they both don’t stop the comments they can leave and not bother coming for Xmas. My brother said our mum can say what she likes and that I owed my mum an apology for saying that. My daughter left the room. My son told my mum and brother that they were out of line and went to check on my daughter. My mum and brother left.

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter. I’ve not responded as I wanted to cool down before I did, but my husband has said to just uninvited them because they’re arseholes and he’s not risking them upsetting our daughter on Xmas day. My daughter says she isn’t bothered and thinks they’re idiots.

If I uninvite them, I think that will probably be the end of my relationships with them but I think that is possibly for the best. There have been lots of problems with them over the years and I think we may be happier without them. They have had issues with other aspects of our life, choices we’ve made, my husbands family (who are all lovely) who they see as ‘snobby’, so the vegan issue is just another thing. They are ok is small doses. My other siblings have low or no contact with them and although I invited them to dinner too, they won’t come because our mother and brother are coming.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 08/12/2025 23:05

RampantIvy · 08/12/2025 22:47

@Livelovebehappy and @JoClogs please will you both stop projecting and making up your own narrative?

This is for the chips on your shoulders.

Not projecting at all. Just pointing out that while her mother and brother’s behaviour isn’t good, I’m wondering how OP comes across when they visit, because her comments on here do make it sound like she looks down on them.

MumWifeOther · 08/12/2025 23:03

Unless they apologise, uninvite.

Sworkmum · 08/12/2025 22:48

Tell them you are making a vegan only Xmas dinner for all and let them uninvite themselves 😆

or message back saying no problem you won’t be sat by either of us you’ll be in a totally different house, don’t come, thanks and bye.

jokes aside, uninvite and let your other siblings know so they can come instead!

JoClogs · 08/12/2025 22:48

Loobeeloo13 · 08/12/2025 22:30

How’s that chip on your shoulder?

Show quote history

I don't have a chip - I moved up socially just like OP and had a mother who reacted the same way to my vegetarian fad when I was 17 myself.

RampantIvy · 08/12/2025 22:47

@Livelovebehappy and @JoClogs please will you both stop projecting and making up your own narrative?

This is for the chips on your shoulders.

To tell them not to bother coming for Xmas?
Helplessandheartbroke · 08/12/2025 22:44

Good for you op! Curious as to whether or not you received a reply

Somethingneedstochange78 · 08/12/2025 22:37

Tell them to GTFU and uninvite them. You would expect that behaviour from primary school children but grown adults!

nutbrownhare15 · 08/12/2025 22:35

They don't want to be seated next to the people who are hosting them? It sounds like it will be for the best to say in that case they are no longer invited.

Livelovebehappy · 08/12/2025 22:33

JoClogs · 08/12/2025 22:22

I did actually, there are several comments about her mother thinking her daughter and her in-laws are "snobby", including a reference to her electric gates, plus not encouraging her children to go to uni which is quite common in lower working-class areas where it can be viewed as selling out. Plus veganism is a very middle-class fad as any working-class person will tell you. Hence my comments.

Edited
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Agree. I sense from OPs posts that there is a bit of a snobby element going on. Maybe parents are re-acting to being talked down to themselves. I only know a few vegans, but they can be quite preachy and condescending to ‘meat eaters’. I guess we only know half the story here.

Jumpingthruhoops · 08/12/2025 22:32

Schoolchoicesucks · 08/12/2025 08:08

Nope, my response would be along the lines of "Hi brother. Given what happened today, for the sake of a peaceful Christmas meal that everyone can enjoy I think it best that you and mum make your own arrangements this year. We'll drop presents off on 23rd."

If I'd decided they weren't worth entertaining, they certainly wouldn't be getting a gift!

Rivendellcarrot · 08/12/2025 22:31

JoClogs · 08/12/2025 22:22

I did actually, there are several comments about her mother thinking her daughter and her in-laws are "snobby", including a reference to her electric gates, plus not encouraging her children to go to uni which is quite common in lower working-class areas where it can be viewed as selling out. Plus veganism is a very middle-class fad as any working-class person will tell you. Hence my comments.

Edited
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Did you miss the OP saying her mother makes animal noises at her. How in anyway is that acceptable? Also, veganism is not a fad.

Loobeeloo13 · 08/12/2025 22:30

JoClogs · 08/12/2025 22:22

I did actually, there are several comments about her mother thinking her daughter and her in-laws are "snobby", including a reference to her electric gates, plus not encouraging her children to go to uni which is quite common in lower working-class areas where it can be viewed as selling out. Plus veganism is a very middle-class fad as any working-class person will tell you. Hence my comments.

Edited
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How’s that chip on your shoulder?

JoClogs · 08/12/2025 22:22

echt · 08/12/2025 21:34

Stop making shit up. Really.

"Assuming", "sounds like", "may feel". Read what the OP says happens.

Show quote history

I did actually, there are several comments about her mother thinking her daughter and her in-laws are "snobby", including a reference to her electric gates, plus not encouraging her children to go to uni which is quite common in lower working-class areas where it can be viewed as selling out. Plus veganism is a very middle-class fad as any working-class person will tell you. Hence my comments.

ToWhitToWhoo · 08/12/2025 22:19

YANBU! Even apart from their dreadful behaviour to your daughter, you do NOT accept someone's invitation and then demand nor to be seated near some of the hosts.

I know they are close relatives, but there are limits to what you should be expected to tolerate.

saraclara · 08/12/2025 22:13

Leopardsandcheetahsarefast · 08/12/2025 21:55

Good evening. Just to make it crystal clear your behaviour this evening towards both myself and Anna tonight was unacceptable. When you come to someone’s house you have to be socially aware and polite - you were neither. You do not respect other people and their views and you are not tolerate. You make animal noises and are argumentative over someone’s food choices and ‘question’ them aggressively and are rude to them in their own home. You are therefore not invited again, this means you can do Christmas elsewhere. I hope you can reflect on what you have done, apologise genuinely and change your behaviour going forwards otherwise I’m afraid I will have to cease contact due to your lack of respect and you will no longer be welcome in our house / or socially. Thanks Mary

OP has already responded to her brother and mother.

Aimtodobetter · 08/12/2025 22:04

Just a comment on being there for your brother when he emerges from your mother's influence - having had a similar experience that eventually led to us reconnecting when they got old enough (mid 20s) I would strongly suggest NOT making it "us or mum" and just keeping the door open lightly. De-escalate conflict and repeatedly keep the door open for pleasant interactions/don't make it about you being right about your mother and them being wrong - in our case it took 10 years but worked out.

Leopardsandcheetahsarefast · 08/12/2025 21:55

Good evening. Just to make it crystal clear your behaviour this evening towards both myself and Anna tonight was unacceptable. When you come to someone’s house you have to be socially aware and polite - you were neither. You do not respect other people and their views and you are not tolerate. You make animal noises and are argumentative over someone’s food choices and ‘question’ them aggressively and are rude to them in their own home. You are therefore not invited again, this means you can do Christmas elsewhere. I hope you can reflect on what you have done, apologise genuinely and change your behaviour going forwards otherwise I’m afraid I will have to cease contact due to your lack of respect and you will no longer be welcome in our house / or socially. Thanks Mary

echt · 08/12/2025 21:34

JoClogs · 08/12/2025 20:23

There's an element of class conflict running through your posts.
I'm assuming your mother is working-class from her attitude to veganism as this is generally seen as a middle-class fad by working-class people, particularly the older generation. It sounds like you and your older siblings have moved up the social ladder and your mother may feel you are now looking down on her - hence the chip. Did she have a hard life raising you - you don't mention your father.

Show quote history

Stop making shit up. Really.

"Assuming", "sounds like", "may feel". Read what the OP says happens.

JoClogs · 08/12/2025 21:24

RampantIvy · 08/12/2025 21:13

Have you even read all of the OP's posts? Or are you a toxic parent as well?

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I've read her posts and shared my opinion based on them.
Maybe her mother is toxic or maybe there's more to it - that's all I'm saying.
No need to be so aggressive or accuse me of being a toxic parent for sharing a different perspective.

I had a difficult relationship with my own mother who was from a lower working-class background and who had a much harder life than I did so I made allowances for that reality.

RampantIvy · 08/12/2025 21:13

JoClogs · 08/12/2025 20:40

For the OP to reflect on her own behaviour too.
Looking down on her mother or acting superior around her could be contributing to her chippy and rude behaviour.

Also, she's only got one mother and who knows how long she will be around especially if she has a drinking problem.
Anyone I've ever met with a drinking problem usually has a pretty tough backstory. It's a lot easier to be pleasant when you are financially secure.

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Have you even read all of the OP's posts? Or are you a toxic parent as well?

Foodylicious · 08/12/2025 21:07

I dont know own if you are still reading, but just wanted to say well done OP.
Clearly this is the right thing for you, and im sure will be very much appreciated by your daughter. Even though she said she wasn't bothered, I suspect this will mean alot to her that you have her back and put her first.
Have a brilliant and hopefully drama free Christmas.
We have a mixed meat and veggie/vegan Xmas here too, and its just not a bother

Foodylicious · 08/12/2025 21:06

I dont know own if you are still reading, but just wanted to say well done OP.
Clearly this is the right thing for you, and im sure will be very much appreciated by your daughter. Even though she said she wasn't bothered, I suspect this will mean alot to her that you have her back and out her first.
Have a brilliant and hopefully drama free Christmas.
We have a mixed meat and veggie/vegan Xmas here too, and its just not a bother.

Andouillette · 08/12/2025 21:00

JoClogs · 08/12/2025 20:40

For the OP to reflect on her own behaviour too.
Looking down on her mother or acting superior around her could be contributing to her chippy and rude behaviour.

Also, she's only got one mother and who knows how long she will be around especially if she has a drinking problem.
Anyone I've ever met with a drinking problem usually has a pretty tough backstory. It's a lot easier to be pleasant when you are financially secure.

Edited
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Oh for goodness sake! The mother is obviously toxic. So was mine but she was upper class. I am bloody glad I only had one mother!

OneNewEagle · 08/12/2025 20:59

If they are still coming only cook a vegan roast. If they don’t like it they can go home.

i am vegetarian we don’t cook meat in our house for others, our home our rules.

SockFluffInTheBath · 08/12/2025 20:57

Also, she's only got one mother
oh here we go…