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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell them not to bother coming for Xmas?

533 replies

WantToHibernate · 08/12/2025 07:54

We are doing Xmas dinner this year for my husbands family and my mum and brother. We have a mix of vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters so dinner menu will reflect this.

I’ve been vegan for 20 years and my daughter who is 17 has become vegan this year. My husband and other child eat meat.

My mother and brother have always disapproved of me being vegan. Over the years they’ve told me I’m wrong and will be ill. They also do stupid things like make animal noises when they eat meat which I just roll my eyes at. Now they’ve found out, whilst discussing Xmas dinner menus at our house this weekend, that my daughter has become vegan and they’ve responded as expected, telling her she’ll be ill, that she shouldn’t listen to me ‘brainwashing and bullying’ her, quizzing her on why she has become vegan, telling her she’s mad and no better than them. My daughter remained calm, said it was her decision, that I obviously haven’t bullied or brainwashed her, that she doesn’t think she’s any better than anyone else, she just wants to be vegan. When they continued were quiz her on why she has become a vegan, they called her a ‘typical preachy vegan’. She wasn’t preaching, she just answered their questions.

Things got heated as my mother started shouting. I told her that she doesn’t get to shout at my daughter in our house about this, and that if they both don’t stop the comments they can leave and not bother coming for Xmas. My brother said our mum can say what she likes and that I owed my mum an apology for saying that. My daughter left the room. My son told my mum and brother that they were out of line and went to check on my daughter. My mum and brother left.

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter. I’ve not responded as I wanted to cool down before I did, but my husband has said to just uninvited them because they’re arseholes and he’s not risking them upsetting our daughter on Xmas day. My daughter says she isn’t bothered and thinks they’re idiots.

If I uninvite them, I think that will probably be the end of my relationships with them but I think that is possibly for the best. There have been lots of problems with them over the years and I think we may be happier without them. They have had issues with other aspects of our life, choices we’ve made, my husbands family (who are all lovely) who they see as ‘snobby’, so the vegan issue is just another thing. They are ok is small doses. My other siblings have low or no contact with them and although I invited them to dinner too, they won’t come because our mother and brother are coming.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 08/12/2025 08:13

Give your family the Christmas present of not having this toxic pair at your dinner table.

@Schoolchoicesucks has provided a good respinse you could use.

Or you could put the cat among the pigeons and tell them that this year the entire meal will be vegan 🤭

dunroamingfornow · 08/12/2025 08:12

I think you know this is the end of the road now. Is it at all possible that they are almost upping the ante to justify “ storming off”? Either way, people don’t get to abuse you and then dictate seating preferences . They have brought this on themselves. You sound like you have tried but now is the time to show your children what you do when people behave so disgracefully. There is a consequence to their behaviour. Let them feel it

ChikinLikin · 08/12/2025 08:12

Sorry brother, you can't come to my house and say you don't want to sit next to me or my daughter. Your Christmas invitation is cancelled.

NomoneyNoprospects · 08/12/2025 08:12

Fuck that, I'd tell them to fuck right off and cook their own Xmas dinner. My brother and SIL are both vegan and the rest of the family are meat eaters. Nobody would DREAM of behaving like that in front of them!

Tell them its not funny, its highly inappropriate and if they pulled this shit at work in front of colleagues of certain religions they'd likely be fired for racism.

Protect your daughter. Twats.

TheatricalLife · 08/12/2025 08:12

The audacity of dictating the seating plan!
Just tell them to fuck off. Honestly. It doesn't sound like they bring any joy to your life and they are a right pair of pricks. Having no relationship with either of them sounds great.
I'd never allow someone who spoke to my DD that way to ruin her day -because you know they will be on on extra high knob head level after the argument. She can say it won't matter, but it will.

MignonsMorceaux · 08/12/2025 08:11

Schoolchoicesucks · 08/12/2025 08:08

Nope, my response would be along the lines of "Hi brother. Given what happened today, for the sake of a peaceful Christmas meal that everyone can enjoy I think it best that you and mum make your own arrangements this year. We'll drop presents off on 23rd."

Good message.

R a previous pp - it's not about "house rules", it's about not being a twat and making family feel miserable and bullied in their own house.

BackToLurk · 08/12/2025 08:11

“Thank you for your text. I agree. Absolutely the best way to ensure that you won’t be seated next to me or DD is to stay away”

Shutuptrevor · 08/12/2025 08:11

This is the part where you show your children how to kindly and respectfully but firmly set boundaries.

I would message both brother and mother and say you think it’s best that you have Christmas separately this year, that you hope they have a lovely day but that you won’t allow them to speak to people like that in your home and so therefore regretfully a decision has been made and they are no longer invited this year.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 08/12/2025 08:11

Uninvite.

Suednymph · 08/12/2025 08:11

Coming into YOUR home and laying down the law? Eh no absolutely not. Your brother then ringing you saying your mother can say what she likes also a huge no. They do not dictate what other grown adults chose to do. Uninvite them and do not explain yourself bar saying you will not be allowing disrespect in your home at any time.

Lifeinthemiddlelane · 08/12/2025 08:10

YANBU

My reply to your brother would be:

As you and mum seem to have a dislike to all the guests attending for one reason or another I don’t think that either of you coming here for Christmas Day is going to work this year. I’ll see you before and after though at some stage to give you your gifts.

ComfortFoodCafe · 08/12/2025 08:10

Id just send a breezy reply “You won’t be sitting near us don’t worry, you’re not welcome here at christmas.”

Worralorra · 08/12/2025 08:10

I will never understand why some people have such a visceral reaction to other people’s food choices! It’s not as if they were being asked to cater for you, was it? If someone tells me they are vegan, my first reaction is “that’s cool - what’s your go-to dish?” Often followed by “sounds great - can I have the recipe?”

My DC has been vegan for 18 years. When they announced this choice, I actively looked out and cooked vegan dishes for them, as well as showing them what and how to cook.

All the favourites were printed off and pasted into a scrapbook which they took with them when they moved out. We (the non-vegan section of the family) often make some of these recipes for dinner for ourselves still - they are really tasty!

Your DM and DB are just abusive arseholes. Definitely uninvite them: why should you or your family have to put up with their disrespect on Christmas Day? (And BTW, have they neither of them ever had beans on toast? That’s vegan!)

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 08/12/2025 08:09

'I think given last week it's best if you don't come for Christmas'. Get you DH to reply.

KingJanie · 08/12/2025 08:09

It does sound like they have some inferiority complex and they view the veganism as a personal judgement.

It may be worth considering if anything has happened which may have led them to see interactions with your family this way. There may be slight suggestions of this which seem nothing to you but huge to them.

But ultimately they are responsible for their behaviour.

Swiftie1878 · 08/12/2025 08:08

Their behaviour towards your daughter was atrocious, and now they appear to be doubling down by refusing to sit next to either of you (even though you are being a generous host!).
Tell them to sort themselves out for Christmas, and guard your own peace, and that of your DH’s family too.
Merry Christmas 🎄 xx

Schoolchoicesucks · 08/12/2025 08:08

Nope, my response would be along the lines of "Hi brother. Given what happened today, for the sake of a peaceful Christmas meal that everyone can enjoy I think it best that you and mum make your own arrangements this year. We'll drop presents off on 23rd."

Seymourdemure · 08/12/2025 08:07

Would you keep putting on a pair of shoes that rubbed, were painful and kept giving you blisters. Even if they are familiar and you have had them a long time?. Sometimes they are just too small for you and you have to accept that they need to go in the bin because they are not good for your health.

Family can be the same unfortunately, sometimes they are just too small minded and damaging to your health, but unlike the shoes they don't just damage you it seeps out to your daughter, your son and your husband. Think of how nice future Christmas' could be if you could invite your other siblings or just have dinner with your own family, abuse free.

3horseshoes · 08/12/2025 08:06

I would respond to say that they can stay in their own homes for Christmas as you won't be putting up with their bullying. They have brought that on themselves entirely. The rest of the family will enjoy a happy day respecting each other and having fun together without their nastiness.

KingJanie · 08/12/2025 08:06

You don't have to uninvite them first tell them how upset you were by the way they spoke to your DD and at how they persistently attack you for being a vegan.
Tell them if they are coming for Christmas you expect them to keep their opinions on veganism to themselves and be polite to the other guests. If they can't do that they shouldn't come.

Make them responsible for their own behaviour and choices.

TheMorgenmuffel · 08/12/2025 08:05

sounds like you'd be better off without them.

LakieLady · 08/12/2025 08:03

I'd uninvite them. Guests don't get to dictate seating plans.

They sound really rather unpleasant.

PragmaticIsh · 08/12/2025 08:02

If you don't say 'enough' here, then what more will they do to purposefully upset your family?

Emonade · 08/12/2025 08:02

WantToHibernate · 08/12/2025 07:54

We are doing Xmas dinner this year for my husbands family and my mum and brother. We have a mix of vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters so dinner menu will reflect this.

I’ve been vegan for 20 years and my daughter who is 17 has become vegan this year. My husband and other child eat meat.

My mother and brother have always disapproved of me being vegan. Over the years they’ve told me I’m wrong and will be ill. They also do stupid things like make animal noises when they eat meat which I just roll my eyes at. Now they’ve found out, whilst discussing Xmas dinner menus at our house this weekend, that my daughter has become vegan and they’ve responded as expected, telling her she’ll be ill, that she shouldn’t listen to me ‘brainwashing and bullying’ her, quizzing her on why she has become vegan, telling her she’s mad and no better than them. My daughter remained calm, said it was her decision, that I obviously haven’t bullied or brainwashed her, that she doesn’t think she’s any better than anyone else, she just wants to be vegan. When they continued were quiz her on why she has become a vegan, they called her a ‘typical preachy vegan’. She wasn’t preaching, she just answered their questions.

Things got heated as my mother started shouting. I told her that she doesn’t get to shout at my daughter in our house about this, and that if they both don’t stop the comments they can leave and not bother coming for Xmas. My brother said our mum can say what she likes and that I owed my mum an apology for saying that. My daughter left the room. My son told my mum and brother that they were out of line and went to check on my daughter. My mum and brother left.

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter. I’ve not responded as I wanted to cool down before I did, but my husband has said to just uninvited them because they’re arseholes and he’s not risking them upsetting our daughter on Xmas day. My daughter says she isn’t bothered and thinks they’re idiots.

If I uninvite them, I think that will probably be the end of my relationships with them but I think that is possibly for the best. There have been lots of problems with them over the years and I think we may be happier without them. They have had issues with other aspects of our life, choices we’ve made, my husbands family (who are all lovely) who they see as ‘snobby’, so the vegan issue is just another thing. They are ok is small doses. My other siblings have low or no contact with them and although I invited them to dinner too, they won’t come because our mother and brother are coming.

You won’t be able to enjoy your day with them there, there is no obligation and how rude to say at a dinner at your house he doesn’t want to be seated next to you! Uninvite and enjoy your day.

WelshRabBite · 08/12/2025 08:01

Not a chance they’d be having Xmas dinner at my place.

They can’t verbally abuse a child and then expect the parent to cook a slap up meal for them 🙄

It’s time they felt the consequences of their actions.