Page 2 | To tell them not to bother coming for Xmas?

WantToHibernate · 2025-12-08T07:54:24+00:00

We are doing Xmas dinner this year for my husbands family and my mum and brother. We have a mix of vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters so dinner menu will reflect this. I’ve been vegan for 20 years and my daughter who is 17 has become vegan this year. My husband and other child eat meat. My mother and brother have always disapproved of me being vegan. Over the years they’ve told me I’m wrong and will be ill. They also do stupid things like make animal noises when they eat meat which I just roll my eyes at. Now they’ve found out, whilst discussing Xmas dinner menus at our house this weekend, that my daughter has become vegan and they’ve responded as expected, telling her she’ll be ill, that she shouldn’t listen to me ‘brainwashing and bullying’ her, quizzing her on why she has become vegan, telling her she’s mad and no better than them. My daughter remained calm, said it was her decision, that I obviously haven’t bullied or brainwashed her, that she doesn’t think she’s any better than anyone else, she just wants to be vegan. When they continued were quiz her on why she has become a vegan, they called her a ‘typical preachy vegan’. She wasn’t preaching, she just answered their questions. Things got heated as my mother started shouting. I told her that she doesn’t get to shout at my daughter in our house about this, and that if they both don’t stop the comments they can leave and not bother coming for Xmas. My brother said our mum can say what she likes and that I owed my mum an apology for saying that. My daughter left the room. My son told my mum and brother that they were out of line and went to check on my daughter. My mum and brother left. My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter. I’ve not responded as I wanted to cool down before I did, but my husband has said to just uninvited them because they’re arseholes and he’s not risking them upsetting our daughter on Xmas day. My daughter says she isn’t bothered and thinks they’re idiots. If I uninvite them, I think that will probably be the end of my relationships with them but I think that is possibly for the best. There have been lots of problems with them over the years and I think we may be happier without them. They have had issues with other aspects of our life, choices we’ve made, my husbands family (who are all lovely) who they see as ‘snobby’, so the vegan issue is just another thing. They are ok is small doses. My other siblings have low or no contact with them and although I invited them to dinner too, they won’t come because our mother and brother are coming.

Couldyounot · 10/12/2025 09:52

Well done to you and your big brother, OP. That's a lovely update

TeatimeForTheSoul · 10/12/2025 09:49

Wow you and your siblings sound so mature and resourceful @WantToHibernate , including your youngest brother who has taken responsibility for his actions.
I’m sorry some posters made you feel you needed to justify yourself in other areas eg being vegan. That’s clearly their issue, not yours.
Good luck navigating your mother’s anticipated tantrum. At least you know it’ll happen and you have your family’s support.
Happy Christmas x

ChikinLikin · 10/12/2025 09:43

That's a very moving update. Good on your big brother.

XWKD · 10/12/2025 09:23

Fantastic! It's great when doing the right thing works out.

BMW6 · 10/12/2025 09:22

I'm so glad that your younger brother has realised and apologised for his awful behaviour OP.

Wishing you a peaceful Christmas!

Imdunfer · 10/12/2025 09:14

WantToHibernate · 10/12/2025 08:42

Thanks for all of your comments, most of them anyway. Just to address a couple of things.

Firstly, a couple of people said something about me leaving my son to step in instead of doing it myself, which isn’t true. My mum was shouting and I told her that she doesn’t get to speak to my daughter like that. I told them that the comments stop or they can leave and that they wont be coming for Xmas. My daughter left the room and my son then told them they were out of line. I didn’t go after my daughter myself because I wasn’t going to leave them in a room with my son when things were heated and my mother was being aggressive, so my son went to check on his sister. I dealt with them, my son just happened to make a comment before going after his sister when he realised I was going to try to get them to leave. When they refused to back down and apologise, I opened the door and they left.

Secondly the whole preachy vegan thing, that isn’t me or my daughter. My partner ate meat when I met him and still does to this day. We agreed that our children’s diets would include meat and dairy when we discussed having children. Our son still eats meat. Veganism isn’t a topic we debate between ourselves or with anyone else, we just get on with life. Our daughter only brought up being vegan because of my mother’s comments. There is no preaching or judgement about food here. Any discussion about veganism has always been brought up by my mother, not us.

Thirdly, I’m not ashamed of my mother because of anything to do with class. I don’t know what class she would be anyway or how that is judged in today’s world and I don’t care. What I do feel is disappointed in her as a person. She is unkind and has been a terrible mother to us all. If it wasn’t for my younger brother, I wouldn’t bother with her at all. It is offensive to link working class people with this sort of behaviour. Terrible people and parents exist in all walks of life. It’s not normal to make animal noises when eating meat to try to upset others.

My younger brother phoned our older brother yesterday. He was very upset and said he thinks he’s really fucked up and lost me for good. He was honest to our older brother about what happened, said he had upset my daughter and that it all went too far. Our older brother told him that we can’t keep doing this, that he is a man now and we can’t make excuses for his behaviour. My younger brother said he realises how bad it’s got and that he’s ashamed and embarrassed of how he treated my daughter, but he feels trapped and doesn’t know how to deal with our mum.

He has since text me to apologise for what he said and for the text he sent about not wanting to sit by us, which he said our mum actually wrote and sent from his phone. That is definitely something she would do. He asked if it would be ok to speak to my daughter to which I said I’d talk to her and let him know. She agreed to speak to him and he has apologised to her and said that he should have told our mum she was wrong and that he was a ‘twat’ for joining in. He told her he’s going to sort himself out and be better.

He is going to stay with our older brother for Christmas and New Year and my older brother has asked him to work for him for a while, then consider going back to uni and he’ll help him get his own place. Older brother lives a couple of hours drive from our mum so we are hoping that putting distance between the two of them will work. He hasn’t yet told our mum that he is going to stay with our older brother for Christmas or the other plans and I’m expecting trouble when she knows. He thinks she’ll kick him out, which won’t be a bad thing.

I'm in awe of what fantastic brothers and sisters your little brother has.

I hope this incident and your refusal to bow down to it will prove the making of that young man's life.

Ladybyrd · 10/12/2025 09:10

OP, preachy vegans don’t serve non vegans meat in their home! As for your son speaking up, I think what hit me most about this story was that he had the balls to do that and good on him. Maybe this has sunk in a bit with your brother.

As for your brother, a clearer picture is developing as to why you feel the need to protect him. She’s obviously quite toxic and this is rubbing off. I think it will do him the world of good to spend Christmas with your older brother.

I think all in all, you’ve archieved the desired outcome without having to have another showdown. No doubt your mother will try to twist it that she is the victim, but the fact that none of you now want to spend Christmas with her says I all. It’s sad, but that’s the life she’s carving out for herself by being unpleasant, not much choice but to let her crack on with it.

Fdsew · 10/12/2025 09:01

OP, well done.
My advice would be to hold the line hard here.
He has apologised and both you and your daughter have very graciously accepted it, however it would be a huge mistake for it to be business as usual.

It is good he is going to his older brothers home some hours away, but I think you need to remain cool with him.
His behaviour was absolutely disgraceful and he made a holy show of himself being so nasty to your child.
I don't think it will be good for him not to feel the weight of the consequences of appalling behaviour.

Keep your mother blocked and involve the police if you feel harrassed by her.

She should no longer have access to your family in any way.

On the vegan front, I am not one, but know of several in meat eating familys, and it really goes without comment, as it should.
It's no one's business except yours.

My dear friend is one and I love the challenge of producing fab food she adores when we have a girls night at mine.
Its vegan for the 4 of us and we all love it.
I hope you have a lovely peaceful holiday and you hold your boundaries very firmly with your brother and your mother.
This is ALL on them.

"Fxxk up and find out".

Citrusbergamia · 10/12/2025 08:54

That's so good to hear OP. I'm glad your younger DB has made his peace with his DNiece; that was really important.
Miracles do happen and your 'D'M may see sense when she hears your younger DB is spending Xmas elsewhere but I doubt it.
I'm glad things have turned out like this and your younger DB may have been saved after all.

ChoccieCornflake · 10/12/2025 08:51

Oh well done OP, that is a fabulous update!! Your strength to stand up to your mum enabled all of this! Your bond as siblings is really lovely, and that is such good news that your younger brother is seeing the light. Onwards and upwards and I hope you have a lovely Christmas that is the first of many lovely relaxed Christmasses!!

Original poster

WantToHibernate · 10/12/2025 08:42

Thanks for all of your comments, most of them anyway. Just to address a couple of things.

Firstly, a couple of people said something about me leaving my son to step in instead of doing it myself, which isn’t true. My mum was shouting and I told her that she doesn’t get to speak to my daughter like that. I told them that the comments stop or they can leave and that they wont be coming for Xmas. My daughter left the room and my son then told them they were out of line. I didn’t go after my daughter myself because I wasn’t going to leave them in a room with my son when things were heated and my mother was being aggressive, so my son went to check on his sister. I dealt with them, my son just happened to make a comment before going after his sister when he realised I was going to try to get them to leave. When they refused to back down and apologise, I opened the door and they left.

Secondly the whole preachy vegan thing, that isn’t me or my daughter. My partner ate meat when I met him and still does to this day. We agreed that our children’s diets would include meat and dairy when we discussed having children. Our son still eats meat. Veganism isn’t a topic we debate between ourselves or with anyone else, we just get on with life. Our daughter only brought up being vegan because of my mother’s comments. There is no preaching or judgement about food here. Any discussion about veganism has always been brought up by my mother, not us.

Thirdly, I’m not ashamed of my mother because of anything to do with class. I don’t know what class she would be anyway or how that is judged in today’s world and I don’t care. What I do feel is disappointed in her as a person. She is unkind and has been a terrible mother to us all. If it wasn’t for my younger brother, I wouldn’t bother with her at all. It is offensive to link working class people with this sort of behaviour. Terrible people and parents exist in all walks of life. It’s not normal to make animal noises when eating meat to try to upset others.

My younger brother phoned our older brother yesterday. He was very upset and said he thinks he’s really fucked up and lost me for good. He was honest to our older brother about what happened, said he had upset my daughter and that it all went too far. Our older brother told him that we can’t keep doing this, that he is a man now and we can’t make excuses for his behaviour. My younger brother said he realises how bad it’s got and that he’s ashamed and embarrassed of how he treated my daughter, but he feels trapped and doesn’t know how to deal with our mum.

He has since text me to apologise for what he said and for the text he sent about not wanting to sit by us, which he said our mum actually wrote and sent from his phone. That is definitely something she would do. He asked if it would be ok to speak to my daughter to which I said I’d talk to her and let him know. She agreed to speak to him and he has apologised to her and said that he should have told our mum she was wrong and that he was a ‘twat’ for joining in. He told her he’s going to sort himself out and be better.

He is going to stay with our older brother for Christmas and New Year and my older brother has asked him to work for him for a while, then consider going back to uni and he’ll help him get his own place. Older brother lives a couple of hours drive from our mum so we are hoping that putting distance between the two of them will work. He hasn’t yet told our mum that he is going to stay with our older brother for Christmas or the other plans and I’m expecting trouble when she knows. He thinks she’ll kick him out, which won’t be a bad thing.

OP posts:

Maryberrysbouffant · 10/12/2025 07:48

Bloody hell, why do you even have a relationship with these people let alone invite them into your home?

I’m not a vegan btw but totally respect anyone else’s right to be so. Get rid.

ADHDdiagnosis · 10/12/2025 07:22

It’s the cheek of saying when they come for dinner they don’t want to be seated next to you. The audacity. I think I’d uninvite them. It’s a big day and a big meal to prepare and it might be time to say sorry but you can’t be treated like this.

RampantIvy · 10/12/2025 07:13

It's a typical defence from someone to accuse other people of not having a sense of humour when they don't find mooing and other animal noises funny, especially given that it is used to mock people who choose not to eat meat or any kind of animal products.

In fact it just makes them come across as pathetically childish.

Class has nothing to do with dietary choices. I would suggest that education has more to do with it. It is entirely possible to be well educated and working class.

Ladybyrd · 10/12/2025 06:10

“I’m happy to acquiesce with your wish not to be seated near me or your granddaughter, so might I suggest you enjoy your Christmas dinner in your own home. This is my house and I say what goes. Our dietary choices are absolutely none of your business.”

thepariscrimefiles · 10/12/2025 05:54

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OP isn't ashamed of her modest origins. She is, pretty much for the first time, taking a stand against her awful mother. This isn't about class. In fact, you are doing the working class a great disservice by equating OP's mum's rude and uncouth behaviour with being working class. OP's mum is obviously a shit parent and a bit of a cunt and she would be the same if she were middle class. OP has said:

'She wasn’t a good mum to us older ones but we had each other and we all managed to escape her and make good lives for ourselves, despite her trying to isolate us from friends, trying to discourage us from going to university and things like that.'

Are those things working class traits? Many working class people are extremely witty and erudite and nobody over the age of about 10 would consider making animal noises to mock vegans when they are eating funny or witty.

Hollybollyhughes · 10/12/2025 05:51

What a lovely Christmas you'd all enjoy without them. No sniping or rude, pathetic behaviour, so you can all relax.
Honestly how can they justify their conduct in your home. Incidentally if you wanted to eat a tofu stir fry 😋 it's your choice. You've been patient enough.

Pipsquiggle · 10/12/2025 05:26

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@JoClogs - 'it's all about class'

Literally everyone else - 'no it's not, it's about poor behaviour'

@JoClogs - well this is my hill to die on so I will just bang on about this class thing and stick my fingers in my ears and make animal noises
🙄

Mothership4two · 10/12/2025 01:48

If I ever had the balls to post on AIBU I think I would keep it as stripped back and basic as possible @ToWhitToWhoo even though you risk being criticised for dripfeeding. Because whatever is posted, you know some poster is going to latch on to some usually irrelevant piece of information, flag it up and project their own hang ups and insecurities.

I bet when she started this post the OP would have been amazed that she (and her daughter) would end up being criticized for being vegan and be accused of virtue-signalling!

HisNibs · 10/12/2025 01:28

Let's not forget that OP's other older siblings are also NC/LC with their mother and youngest brother. What do you suppose the common factor is here?

ToWhitToWhoo · 10/12/2025 01:12

JoClogs · 09/12/2025 23:58

No - those are your words not mine.

I think a middle-class woman looking down on her working-class mother is intolerant.

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Nobody is looking down on anyone. The OP is angry, not contemptuous. And it sounds as though the veganism incident is the last straw, not the ultimate cause.

Onceisenoughta · 10/12/2025 01:07

They sound a right pair - it was funny to read so far but I would imagine the same old jokes are a bit much. You need to do what's best for your family (those who live under your roof) and the thought of them ruining christmas for everyone else would be the deal breaker. They obviously have no respect for you or your children so they're not going to start behaving better, it shows that things are already worse by them stating where they won't be sitting for dinner. It is hard cutting people out of your life but your priority is yourself and your children. How much further are you prepared to let them dictate to you, they're adults fgs x

Mothership4two · 10/12/2025 00:55

JoClogs · 09/12/2025 18:37

Humour appears to lacking on this thread.
Making animals noises to a virtue-signalling vegan is actually quite funny.
😂

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No it's being nasty but you know that.

And she's just a vegan

JoClogs · 09/12/2025 23:58

ChoccieCornflake · 09/12/2025 23:50

The only classism here is that you seem to think the working class are intolerant and narrow minded. Thankfully that is not my experience of working class people.

No - those are your words not mine.

I think a middle-class woman looking down on her working-class mother is intolerant.

ChoccieCornflake · 09/12/2025 23:50

The only classism here is that you seem to think the working class are intolerant and narrow minded. Thankfully that is not my experience of working class people.