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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell them not to bother coming for Xmas?

533 replies

WantToHibernate · 08/12/2025 07:54

We are doing Xmas dinner this year for my husbands family and my mum and brother. We have a mix of vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters so dinner menu will reflect this.

I’ve been vegan for 20 years and my daughter who is 17 has become vegan this year. My husband and other child eat meat.

My mother and brother have always disapproved of me being vegan. Over the years they’ve told me I’m wrong and will be ill. They also do stupid things like make animal noises when they eat meat which I just roll my eyes at. Now they’ve found out, whilst discussing Xmas dinner menus at our house this weekend, that my daughter has become vegan and they’ve responded as expected, telling her she’ll be ill, that she shouldn’t listen to me ‘brainwashing and bullying’ her, quizzing her on why she has become vegan, telling her she’s mad and no better than them. My daughter remained calm, said it was her decision, that I obviously haven’t bullied or brainwashed her, that she doesn’t think she’s any better than anyone else, she just wants to be vegan. When they continued were quiz her on why she has become a vegan, they called her a ‘typical preachy vegan’. She wasn’t preaching, she just answered their questions.

Things got heated as my mother started shouting. I told her that she doesn’t get to shout at my daughter in our house about this, and that if they both don’t stop the comments they can leave and not bother coming for Xmas. My brother said our mum can say what she likes and that I owed my mum an apology for saying that. My daughter left the room. My son told my mum and brother that they were out of line and went to check on my daughter. My mum and brother left.

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter. I’ve not responded as I wanted to cool down before I did, but my husband has said to just uninvited them because they’re arseholes and he’s not risking them upsetting our daughter on Xmas day. My daughter says she isn’t bothered and thinks they’re idiots.

If I uninvite them, I think that will probably be the end of my relationships with them but I think that is possibly for the best. There have been lots of problems with them over the years and I think we may be happier without them. They have had issues with other aspects of our life, choices we’ve made, my husbands family (who are all lovely) who they see as ‘snobby’, so the vegan issue is just another thing. They are ok is small doses. My other siblings have low or no contact with them and although I invited them to dinner too, they won’t come because our mother and brother are coming.

OP posts:
OneNewLeader · 08/12/2025 08:52

Your DH nailed it.

TittyGajillions · 08/12/2025 08:51

Merseymum1980 · 08/12/2025 08:14

They shouldnt be shouting at your daughter.
I will however say they may be genuinley worried.
My brother and my close friend were vegan , they felt great intially then both became really ill despite taking expensive supplements.
My friend caught everything going and struggled to recover she nearly died of pnemonia.
Both are loads better since stop being vegan.
If they are worried they arent great at communicating.
They still shouldnt be shouting and dictating

Edited

Yeah, no, they aren't worried they're just knobs.

Uninvite them and enjoy a peaceful Christmas.

lifeisgoodrightnow · 08/12/2025 08:50

Your immediate family ( husband son and daughter ) sound amazingly supportive of each other and you. Concentrate on them and well done xx

Achangeintone · 08/12/2025 08:47

WantToHibernate · 08/12/2025 08:46

I have challenged her lots of times over the years, but I have not wanted to cut ties because of my brother. She wasn’t a good mum to us older ones but we had each other and we all managed to escape her and make good lives for ourselves, despite her trying to isolate us from friends, trying to discourage us from going to university and things like that. I’ve tried to be there for my brother so that she doesn’t mess up his life but she’s been much more successful at doing that than she was with us. I think it’s time to accept that I can’t help him whilst he’s under her influence.

Show quote history

Again though

What the heck must your children think…. Seeing their mother so disrespected like this but sucking it up time and time again.

I wouldn’t have even allowed them near my children let alone to witness what they have

WildLeader · 08/12/2025 08:47

And I say this as one who has cut off her own parents and am minimum contact with my sister

Original poster
WantToHibernate · 08/12/2025 08:46

Achangeintone · 08/12/2025 08:38

Why on earth have you allowed yourself to be spoken like this to? Let alone in front of your children!!

I have challenged her lots of times over the years, but I have not wanted to cut ties because of my brother. She wasn’t a good mum to us older ones but we had each other and we all managed to escape her and make good lives for ourselves, despite her trying to isolate us from friends, trying to discourage us from going to university and things like that. I’ve tried to be there for my brother so that she doesn’t mess up his life but she’s been much more successful at doing that than she was with us. I think it’s time to accept that I can’t help him whilst he’s under her influence.

OP posts:
WildLeader · 08/12/2025 08:46

@WantToHibernate your reply to your idiot brother:

”what makes you think you’re still invited? Feel free to make other plans with mum. Merry Christmas”

honestly, you’re flogging a dead horse with these awful people. Your other siblings could more than make up for the loss of these dickheads around your table.

call them. Tell your mother you’re no longer hosting them.

make the break love!

LemonLeaves · 08/12/2025 08:46

@WantToHibernate They sound like right arseholes - your DH is right, give yourself a happy and peaceful Christmas and uninvite them.

@Merseymum1980 it can be easy to fall short of the right nutrition, if you switch to being vegan without understanding what you need to do to ensure you get complete protein, vitamins and minerals in your diet. My H and I are vegan and have been for 7 years now. I get an annual bloods check to keep an eye on my levels - all good, but it does take some work to keep the balance right! I hope your friend recovered OK.

IsawwhatIsaw · 08/12/2025 08:45

Schoolchoicesucks · 08/12/2025 08:08

Nope, my response would be along the lines of "Hi brother. Given what happened today, for the sake of a peaceful Christmas meal that everyone can enjoy I think it best that you and mum make your own arrangements this year. We'll drop presents off on 23rd."

This is well put , yes they can make their own arrangements .

Imisscoffee2021 · 08/12/2025 08:45

Your house, your rules. I'm a vegetarian and have some vegan friends and family and I've always found that most of us and them don't talk about being vegetarian or vegan until it comes up on meal choices and its the people who eat meat that are more vocal and take offence and have a real chip about it, almost that by just existing as someone who doesn't eat animal products you are looking down or judging them.

I also find that when you are challenged and have ready answers (obviously because usually there's logic and decision behind a lifestyle change) they take offence at that too and feel attacked! It's like poking a bear and wondering why you get bit!

Veganism aside, it's not their place to speak rudely to you or your daughter in your own home or anywhere in fact, and to demand not to be seated near you means they're just there for the feed, not the company. So no loss that they don't come.

amusedbush · 08/12/2025 08:44

So, they'll come to your house, enjoy your hospitality and eat your food but they won't sit next to you? Nah, fuck that.

Your brother also seems to be confusing freedom of speech with freedom from consequences. Your mother can absolutely say what she wants - in her own home where nobody has to listen to her.

shellyleppard · 08/12/2025 08:43

They would not be welcome in my house. Have a peaceful day without the horrible twosome.... your house, your rules. If people don't like it off they go. Have a wonderful Christmas ⛄

MaplePumpkin · 08/12/2025 08:43

They sound awful.
If uninviting them would spell the end of the relationship, then fine. They did this, not you. The moment your brother text saying him and his mum don’t want to sit next to you at Christmas dinner (in your home)… to me that was them making the choice to end the relationship. What a ridiculous thing to say. How petty and childish!
Reply calmly and just say you’ve reflected on the recent conversation you had, which included your mother shouting at your daughter, and they you think it would be best all round if they didn’t come, and that way they won’t have to worry about sitting next to you. I’m sorry this has happened to you, OP!

bignewprinz · 08/12/2025 08:42

Uninvite. I cannot ever imagine getting that upset about another fully grown (pretty much) person's vegan diet. What a pair of hostile weirdos 🥴

CandyCaneKisses · 08/12/2025 08:42

Do you make a big song and dance about being vegan and remind them at every opportunity? I can’t see why it’s a constant topic of conversation.
We have various foods we don’t eat but it ta never even mentioned.

YellowBlueStar · 08/12/2025 08:40

RampantIvy · 08/12/2025 08:13

Give your family the Christmas present of not having this toxic pair at your dinner table.

@Schoolchoicesucks has provided a good respinse you could use.

Or you could put the cat among the pigeons and tell them that this year the entire meal will be vegan 🤭

I agree with this.

Futurept · 08/12/2025 08:39

Please uninvited them, they sound horrible! Let's normalise not spending Christmas with people like this.

Sparkletastic · 08/12/2025 08:39

’Hi - you and mum and no longer welcome here for Christmas.’

You’ve tolerated them for long enough. It’s not fair on you, DH and DCs to put up with any more.

Achangeintone · 08/12/2025 08:38

Why on earth have you allowed yourself to be spoken like this to? Let alone in front of your children!!

snowmichael · 08/12/2025 08:37

A) Your daughter sounds very sensible and level headed
B) I would suggest you tell the close-minded, preachy anti-vegans that you will only be cooking vegetarian and vegan Christmas Dinners this year, so you understand completely that they won't want to come, but that they are welcome to visit after dinner for a lovely family get-together

Citrusbergamia · 08/12/2025 08:37

So many things here. How childish to make animal noises. How rude to keep challenging your and your DD's food choices. How hurtful they feel able to upset your DD and not apologise. How outrageous to dictate where they sit at YOUR xmas dinner table. If you feel you can't uninvite, I suggest setting up a table for 2 in the back garden and do a rain dance prior to the meal.

However, I think you know the most 'right' decision is to uninvite them OP. A simple reply to your DB's text "Because of yours and our 'D'M's childish attitude towards food choices in this house and the fact that you are happy to upset your own niece/grand-daughter and not apologise, you are uninvited to Xmas lunch. You can make your own alternative arrangements now'.

Achangeintone · 08/12/2025 08:37

Hardly likely to be a happy joyous Christmas is this family whatever happens.

Lobleylimlam · 08/12/2025 08:36

I cannot imagine having someone host me, cook food for me, and then me behaving this way in return. They absolutely should be uninvited. They can say what they please in thier own homes but nobody has a right to come to your home and berate you and your family for your choices.
They sound so unpleasent and entitled. You deserve to have a christmas day with people that love and respect you and are kind and grateful for your offering. Your mother and brother clearly don't sound this way.

LancashireButterPie · 08/12/2025 08:35

Yeah, I would have banned them after they made animal noises. WTF!
Honestly OP you have shown remarkable tolerance and diplomacy so far but I agree that they have definitely crossed a line now.
Our extended family has a mix of vegetarians, vegans and meat eaters, everyone is polite and respectful. In fact the meat eaters generally go veggie when they are here.
Stand up for your DD.

BellaBal · 08/12/2025 08:34

Wow that’s incredibly rude. Your dd is an adult! I was at my healthiest when I was vegetarian- working up to 70 hours a week, gym three times a week - I had no trouble with health or energy. I really don’t understand why people get so aggravated by other people’s food choices!