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Original poster

To tell them not to bother coming for Xmas?

533 replies

WantToHibernate · 08/12/2025 07:54

We are doing Xmas dinner this year for my husbands family and my mum and brother. We have a mix of vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters so dinner menu will reflect this.

I’ve been vegan for 20 years and my daughter who is 17 has become vegan this year. My husband and other child eat meat.

My mother and brother have always disapproved of me being vegan. Over the years they’ve told me I’m wrong and will be ill. They also do stupid things like make animal noises when they eat meat which I just roll my eyes at. Now they’ve found out, whilst discussing Xmas dinner menus at our house this weekend, that my daughter has become vegan and they’ve responded as expected, telling her she’ll be ill, that she shouldn’t listen to me ‘brainwashing and bullying’ her, quizzing her on why she has become vegan, telling her she’s mad and no better than them. My daughter remained calm, said it was her decision, that I obviously haven’t bullied or brainwashed her, that she doesn’t think she’s any better than anyone else, she just wants to be vegan. When they continued were quiz her on why she has become a vegan, they called her a ‘typical preachy vegan’. She wasn’t preaching, she just answered their questions.

Things got heated as my mother started shouting. I told her that she doesn’t get to shout at my daughter in our house about this, and that if they both don’t stop the comments they can leave and not bother coming for Xmas. My brother said our mum can say what she likes and that I owed my mum an apology for saying that. My daughter left the room. My son told my mum and brother that they were out of line and went to check on my daughter. My mum and brother left.

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter. I’ve not responded as I wanted to cool down before I did, but my husband has said to just uninvited them because they’re arseholes and he’s not risking them upsetting our daughter on Xmas day. My daughter says she isn’t bothered and thinks they’re idiots.

If I uninvite them, I think that will probably be the end of my relationships with them but I think that is possibly for the best. There have been lots of problems with them over the years and I think we may be happier without them. They have had issues with other aspects of our life, choices we’ve made, my husbands family (who are all lovely) who they see as ‘snobby’, so the vegan issue is just another thing. They are ok is small doses. My other siblings have low or no contact with them and although I invited them to dinner too, they won’t come because our mother and brother are coming.

OP posts:
Isayitasitis · 08/12/2025 09:59

YourOliveBalonz · 08/12/2025 09:16

I can’t get past the request to not be seated by you at your house 😂 like, they will come on Christmas Day and treat it like you are providing a restaurant service, but have no intention of speaking to you.

This, the audacity!

Say no more to them op. Straighten that spine.

Hopefully your brother will open his eyes in time.

But this time, daughter first. Your husband has your back.

LittleBitofBread · 08/12/2025 09:57

i wouldn’t have them in the house at Christmas, and I wouldn’t be in a hurry to have them over ever again.

FestiveFruitloop · 08/12/2025 09:53

KingJanie · 08/12/2025 08:06

You don't have to uninvite them first tell them how upset you were by the way they spoke to your DD and at how they persistently attack you for being a vegan.
Tell them if they are coming for Christmas you expect them to keep their opinions on veganism to themselves and be polite to the other guests. If they can't do that they shouldn't come.

Make them responsible for their own behaviour and choices.

Exactly this.

Glamba · 08/12/2025 09:52

Downgrade the invitation to visit only, not Christmas dinner. They will probably decline.

It's breathtakingly rude and disrespectful of him. Do you think your mum asked him to send it? Maybe call him and ask him as neutrally as you can how it came about, and judge it from there. Whoever got it in their head that it is acceptable to tell a host that they are allowed to do all the work but too disgusting to sit next to? You were trying to be nice but everyone has limits, and them starting on your daughter is a really normal place to draw the line.

FollowSpot · 08/12/2025 09:51

DramaticEffect · 08/12/2025 09:06

Great response.

Show quote history

Which will have no effect.

Both mother and brother have demonstrated that they think they have the right to say what they want, and that any challenge to that demands apology, or the right to be protected (by seating plan) from anyone they wish to insult.

They watched the OP, her Ds and her DH show in different ways that their behaviour was unacceptable… and yet persist with ‘when I come and accept your hospitality make sure I don’t have to be near you’

Why would they now listen to a rational calm normal approach which would need them to compromise their behaviour?

Too much of a risk.

And for what benefit to the OP and her family?

moderate · 08/12/2025 09:49

ChristieMcVie · 08/12/2025 09:45

Yes, you should uninvite them, and make it clear that they are no longer welcome in your house if they cannot keep their counsel to themselves. You don't need their lectures or their opinions. They have already put a shadow over Xmas day with this behaviour, nobody is going to be able to relax eating their vegan fare knowing a catty remark is on the tips of their tongues. If you want your brother to break free from your mother, he needs to learn that behaving like her leads to alienation from his siblings. So yes, it's a harsh lesson, but one he needs to learn.

If you want your brother to break free from your mother, he needs to learn that behaving like her leads to alienation from his siblings. So yes, it's a harsh lesson, but one he needs to learn.

I basically agree with this but it sounds like OP has trodden a fine balance. The important thing is he understands that this is a consequence of her behaviour (and his in supporting hers) but unfortunately after setting these boundaries she will be the one left whispering in his ear.

Sarah2891 · 08/12/2025 09:49

YANBU. Making animal noises at the table? They sound like morons.

Addyourmessagehereandhere · 08/12/2025 09:48

WelshRabBite · 08/12/2025 08:01

Not a chance they’d be having Xmas dinner at my place.

They can’t verbally abuse a child and then expect the parent to cook a slap up meal for them 🙄

It’s time they felt the consequences of their actions.

Agree. And they are demanding that they don't sit next to the host!

GeminiGiggles · 08/12/2025 09:46

The only correct answer is "of course no problem, you won't be seated next to anyone as you're not welcome."

ChristieMcVie · 08/12/2025 09:45

Yes, you should uninvite them, and make it clear that they are no longer welcome in your house if they cannot keep their counsel to themselves. You don't need their lectures or their opinions. They have already put a shadow over Xmas day with this behaviour, nobody is going to be able to relax eating their vegan fare knowing a catty remark is on the tips of their tongues. If you want your brother to break free from your mother, he needs to learn that behaving like her leads to alienation from his siblings. So yes, it's a harsh lesson, but one he needs to learn.

moderate · 08/12/2025 09:44

WantToHibernate · 08/12/2025 09:14

I understand that, but if my siblings would have taken that approach with me and each other, and not supported each other, with a mother like we have, I don’t know where we would all be. I was trying to provide that same support for my youngest brother along with a couple of my other siblings. The difference is, us older siblings could see what our mum was like but my youngest brother seems completely under her spell. He has had times where he has come to us and we have thought he was breaking free of her, he has lived with us for a short time, got his life on track, started uni, but then she always talks him round and he gives up on everything. It’s hard to watch but I think the time has come to say no more.

Show quote history

During those times, has he understood that he was trying to break free of her?
From his (heavily influenced) POV he might feel he needs to stick with his mother after all her other children have abandoned her.

PashaMinaMio · 08/12/2025 09:41

It all sounds very Neanderthal. Low IQ?
Drop them and focus on the more pleasant members of your family.

PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 08/12/2025 09:41

Merseymum1980 · 08/12/2025 08:14

They shouldnt be shouting at your daughter.
I will however say they may be genuinley worried.
My brother and my close friend were vegan , they felt great intially then both became really ill despite taking expensive supplements.
My friend caught everything going and struggled to recover she nearly died of pnemonia.
Both are loads better since stop being vegan.
If they are worried they arent great at communicating.
They still shouldnt be shouting and dictating

Edited

What a load of horshshit. They aren't genuinely concerned in the least and if they were, they need to keep their opinions to themselves after expressing them once in a respectful manner.

euff · 08/12/2025 09:41

They called your DD a preachy vegan but they were the ones bullying her and trying to relentlessly break her down. They have some nerve thinking they should still be welcome but be seated away from you and DD.

Laura95167 · 08/12/2025 09:40

Solution writes itself. Have these nice siblings over. Let DBro have lunch with DM where they can sit where they like and honk and moo as much as they want

Bayroot1 · 08/12/2025 09:40

Chocja · 08/12/2025 09:25

I would say that due to avoiding arguments on Christmas, the whole day will be vegan only and as such you will understand if they don’t want to come.

I would imagine that they will decline and you can then cook what you want.

I would take a huge step back from them, they sound toxic and shouldn’t be speaking to anyone like that. Your DD is an adult and capable of making her own decisions.

A vegan diet, when done correctly is healthy.

🤣 Yes do that

Although I'd have nothing to do with them. Hopefully if you stick to your guns db will eventually see the light?

Does db have any friends?

atamlin · 08/12/2025 09:39

That’s awful. What does your husbands family think? I’m presuming they feel really uncomfortable with that horrible dynamic.

FamingolosForDays · 08/12/2025 09:37

jenny38 · 08/12/2025 09:22

I would send a message to say that food seems to be a trigger point for disagreements and unhappiness. So let's take this out of the equation , dont discuss it again and just meet for coffee in the future. In terms of christmas, it's clear to you that we would all be happier doing our own thing this year. Hope to see you in the new year for coffee.
You are putting a boundary in place and limiting contact in this way. If as suspected, they kick off about this then it's done really.
I hope you and your family have a lovely christmas.

Absolutely nailed it here OP. Have a lovely peaceful Christmas!

Redburnett · 08/12/2025 09:37

Even as someone who believes vegan diets are an unwise choice (especially for a teenage girl) I think your relatives behaved appallingly. In your position I would tell them they cannot dictate how you and your family live your lives, you have heard their opinion often enough, and never want to hear their opinions on your dietary choices again. As for dictating how you seat your guests for a Christmas meal, that is beyond ridiculous. Your DH is right, cancel the invitation so everyone present can enjoy their meal. Sometimes you have to take a stance and act to force family members to accept that you are making your own decisions, and their views are not going to change that.

diddl · 08/12/2025 09:36

You owe it to your immediate family to not have their Christmas spoiled by this toxic pair.

I agree.

I also can't see how setting boundaries & asking them to stick to them would work either.

SweetnsourNZ · 08/12/2025 09:36

Merseymum1980 · 08/12/2025 08:14

They shouldnt be shouting at your daughter.
I will however say they may be genuinley worried.
My brother and my close friend were vegan , they felt great intially then both became really ill despite taking expensive supplements.
My friend caught everything going and struggled to recover she nearly died of pnemonia.
Both are loads better since stop being vegan.
If they are worried they arent great at communicating.
They still shouldnt be shouting and dictating

Edited

Don't think that is likely though as OP is vegan herself. Her siblings have also gone NC with mum and brother so don't think it's concern.

NorthSouthEast · 08/12/2025 09:36

I get that you’re worried about your brother, but pandering to him won’t help. He needs to be shown that behaving like this is not the way to make friends and keep loved ones close. Revoke the invitation in non-negotiable terms and do not go back on that decision no matter what they say - the minute they are in your house they will begin to snipe and belittle. It will do your brother good to have some consequences.

PinkyFlamingo · 08/12/2025 09:35

After that bizarre request what in earth is the atmosphere going to be like?! No way should they come

RampantIvy · 08/12/2025 09:33

It’s hard to watch but I think the time has come to say no more.

I agree @WantToHibernate . You owe it to your immediate family to not have their Christmas spoiled by this toxic pair. If you have to invite them have them round after lunch.

By inviting them you are prioritising them over your husband and DC, and you shouldn't do this.

KeepAwayFromChildren · 08/12/2025 09:32

As per your title @WantToHibernate

Tell them not to bother.

Where's the joy?