To tell them not to bother coming for Xmas?

You've done the right thing. On one hand you've got your brother and mum and ranged on the other side is all your other siblings, your ILs and your DH. It's awful that they've put you in a position by their behaviour that you have to choose between them, but you've done the right thing.

The vegan thing is a red herring. If it wasn't that, it would be something else they'd find to criticise and make fun of and it sounds like the aim is definitely to bring you down a peg or two.

On the subject of the younger brother, I think you've also done the right thing trying to get across a unified message between all you siblings to him that you're all there for him when he tries to break away from her. We had a similar issue with DH's youngest brother - their dad had filled his head with lots of "oh, you're the most like me, you're the one that'll always be there for me, I'll be alone without you, all the rest are ungrateful but you're amazing" etc. Also the youngest sibling with a big age gap to the older ones.

The thing that worked to break him away was to have the younger brother move in with us for long enough that he could see that we were actually the normal ones, we were a loving family getting ahead in the world and with tonnes of family and friend support compared to the dad who lives a sad small life with no friends and no family talking to him as he had driven them all away. It also showed him that we didn't sit around plotting and scheming how to destroy their dad all day, in fact we seldom even thought of him except to worry about the younger brother!! He's still closer to their dad than the rest, and more in denial when the dad behaves badly, but he's still young - I fear one day their dad will turn on him and he'll be wounded to the core. I wish the rest of the family could protect him from it but I fear he'll have to be deeply (emotionally) hurt like all the other kids were hurt before he can fully break free.

How did they get ill? Low iron, lost weight, low B12? The mistake a lot of people do when going vegan is they eat lots of bulky carbs and veg and little protein, they also misunderstand what good vegan protein is - I've heard nuts and lentils being touted as good vegan protein and they really aren't. Lentils are good for you but they are high carb foods not high protein and nuts are so high in fat that to get a good protein serving you'd have to eat way too many calories and too much fat. Alternatively they go silly and eat nothing but UPF as their protein source. A fit active man with a lot of muscle needs to eat better than that. It's all possible without supplements and UPF but it requires self education and effort.

having read your updates, it sounds as if your brother is very heavily influenced by your mum and his behaviour reflects this. If you’re keen to keep the door open to him then I’d probably respond to say that your mum isn’t welcome at your home any more, but that your brother is still welcome as long as he’s respectful.
He likely won’t come, but at least you’re not closing the door on him

Me personally, I’d probably tell them both to fuck off if they spoke to my children that way, but I understand it’s not always so simple when it’s your own family.

They will most likely not be able to stop themselves kicking off when they come. They will spoil the day for all of you.
rescind the invite.
ask husband family instead.

There are some people in the world who are so confused/offended/disgusted that other people can choose not to eat animal products that they can't resist trying to provoke a reaction and will bring it up out of nowhere to get a rise. As a lifelong vegetarian I have experienced this more times than I can count. I never bring up that I don't eat meat (even more so since I've gone vegan) unless it's relevant to the conversation and even then (for example if it's about choosing a restaurant) I am as accommodating as possible and will happily eat a plate of chips while everyone else eats meat if that's all there is on offer. Despite this I have had innumerable people try to start a 'debate' with me by being combative and frankly rude about my choices. It's like a sport for some people.

@WantToHibernate once all of your guests have arrived can you disconnect or switch off the buzzer/bell from your electric gate?

Oh surely it will be, without those two.
OP has a bit of time now during which to douse any feelings about guilt or other unjustified emotion like it, so that by Christmas week things ought to be more serene.
There’s no tit for tat going on; it’s that OP has been forced into this position by a barrage of direct insults, threats, and grotesque behaviour.
If she were to ignore that and allow them to be present for 🎄day, she’d be throwing her own immediate family under a bus just to appease them.
I read it all as an example of a clear right vs wrong situation for her, really.

(I think the phones could be left on silent for Christmas Day though, so that her mother and brother aren't able to harsh the atmosphere in any way!)

I can't see how Christmas could run smoothly/peacefully with your Mum there.

So an uninvited/change might be best?

A compromise might be Boxing Day tea for your Mum.

I think you are a saint offering 3 meals/variations of.

We went vegetarian 40 years ago, all children vegetarian - despite dire warnings from health visitor with the first one.

Our 2 girls went a step further and became vegan and then gently shamed us into it 10+ years ago.

My DM and DMIL coped well, (although lasagne with tinned spaghetti between the layers is odd!)

My Dad was awkward with my DD's girlfriend about veganism - and she wasn't vegan.

I've friend who will tease me about veganism - but its light hearted, not aimed at my children - and accepts the reverse back (And is happy to eat my vegan cakes)

When they came for Christmas etc they got what they were given - a meal with no dead stuff. Everyone did.

All the best. Happy Christmas - hopefully!

I’d be saying that there’s nowhere for them to sit, then, because you can’t place them next to you in laws because they’re rude to them and can’t have them next to you because they’re rude to you. I’d also slip in a snide “wonder what the common denominator here is 🤔”. Weirdos.

OP, it's a shocking read.
It is really not normal for families that are not guests on the Jeremy Kyle show to be abused in their home for years on their eating habits.
Not normal.
Absolutely toxic.

By allowing yourself to be treated like this, your children have been nicely set up for what occurred.
How awful for them to be put in such a position.

Well done for revoking the invitation, not a moment too soon.
Putting your birth family ahead of your own family is not right.

As for your inlaws, god help them, they must be in the horror's.
They too should be protected from behaviour like this.
It's really not fair.

Oh and toxic people often have a "health crisis" when things don't go their way.
Beware of this and do not allow yourself to be any further manipulated.

The idea of coming round for you to cook dinner for them and then refusing to sit near you is so ridiculous it's laughable. You sound very considerate of the difficult upbringing and lack of other sibling influences your brother has had. Maybe think of a gracious response that leaves the door open to him in the future but that doesn't play into this passive aggressive nonsense.

Is it ever possible to see him without your mother being there having the overriding influence over what he thinks and says? Could you meet up individually on neutral ground?

"It would be nice to see you but under the circumstances we'd better leave it this year. To expect someone cook and host for you but to refuse to be seated by them is not reasonable or going to be a nice experience for anyone. I'd be prepared to meet up on our own at a later date when things have calmed down if you are open to talk about it."

Or something like one of the people above have put better than I can. At least this way he has a chance to reflect on what happened in his own time and you have left the door open to him in the future.

What jumps out at me is that they seem to be obsessed with the idea that someone being vegan means they think they are better than them. It's a very odd way to think but maybe in a one to one setting you could chat through some of these issues. It might give you a chance to make it clear you care about him and would like to see him but that your life choices are yours and your decisions about what you eat is nothing to do with him and you are no longer putting up with their rude behaviour. Make it clear that it is not his business to comment on veganism or be constantly disrespectful about you and maybe sounds corny but you need to get across how it makes you feel as he might not know if he's been brought up to think this way of behaving is normal.

I'd give him a chance if you haven't really communicated properly before about how disrespectful their behaviour is and how it makes you feel. Also to make clear that your daughter does not have to answer to them about her life choices. If he can't see this and continues to act like a bully then that's up to him but he can't expect to come round for social occasions. I don't think you've said how old he is so it's less clear if he has a likelihood of changing. If he's very young there might be a better chance.

That’s fine. They don’t need to sit near you, in fact they can sit quite happily in their own homes clucking and oinking as much as they like!

My sister is veggie and yet at a table of 17 no one pays any attention to the fact she hasn’t touched the meat and has her own gravy, we’re all far too invested in what’s on our own plate

The problem is that meat eaters who are unable to think outside of the box of meat and two veg are always the ones who spout this kind of nonsense.

They have probably never eaten a lentil in their life.

There are some people who cannot absorb non haem iron so for these people becoming vegan is probably not advisable.

@ChristmasMantleStatue that is the typical irony of so many.

I don’t think there’s any “of course he doesn’t” about it.

This has gone on and been allowed to go on for years. Right in front of his face.

Sorry, missed your update. Well done, OP. As if they get to dictate who sits where, or demand not to sit next to you, in your own home!

Be prepared for “you’ve ruined our Christmas”. When of course they have ruined it themselves by behaving so disrespectfully.

The “Mum can say what she wants” is so telling. Well yes, she can say what she wants but what she cannot do is say what she wants without any response or consequences.

Re the 'it's unhealthy thing'. The number of times I have watched people spout that to my vegan friend while stuffing their faces with cheese and burgers and fries etc. DH is vegetarian and my mother once rang me in tears saying how worried she was about him getting his protein. I told her to do some research if she was really concerned and to get back to me then, but she didn't and still occasionally has a quivering lip as she quizzes him on his 'unhealthy' diet. She's morbidly obese, and has diet-related health conditions but it doesn't seem to make her think.

You need to go back and read all of OPs posts. It’s far from a silly argument, but part of a long history of abuse.

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter.

”If that’s how you feel, given that this is my and DD’s home, I think it is better that you don’t come.”

Honestly, why are they so triggered? It sounds like you and your DD have behaved perfectly reasonably.

You don’t need to take expensive supplements or protein replacements due to being vegan. B12 is all you require and that is not expensive at all.

OP has updated several times.

I wouldn't allow anyone to speak to my child like that. I'd actually message them saying, "I'm sorry you're uncomfortable with people not eating animals. I've decided to avoid conflict by no longer hosting Christmas dinner." You shouldn't have them over OP, they sound nasty and toxic.

I agree - calm down first - it's your mother after all and it's a bit of a silly argument. They should shake hands and agree to disagree.

I became vegetarian when I was 17 shortly before Xmas and had similar reactions from my mother - it's not the end of the world

Sorry, they want to come and be catered to at your house, but don’t want to be seated near you? What a pompous little windbag your brother is 😂

They sound utterly odious. Do yourself a favour and cut them off like a diseased limb. You’ll feel better.

I mean if done correctly. Spending money on supplements and protein shakes doesn't mean it's done properly. Appreciate you do have to play around with it to make sure it's working for you but it is absolutely possible without spending money on supplements. Also not pushing a vegan diet here but it's frustrating when you'd never say a 'normal' diet doesn't work but I could eat nothing but bacon sandwiches and feel awful. That's not the fault of a 'normal' diet but what I'm choosing to eat from that diet if you get what I mean. Anyway, appreciate everyone is different.