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Original poster

To tell them not to bother coming for Xmas?

533 replies

WantToHibernate · 08/12/2025 07:54

We are doing Xmas dinner this year for my husbands family and my mum and brother. We have a mix of vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters so dinner menu will reflect this.

I’ve been vegan for 20 years and my daughter who is 17 has become vegan this year. My husband and other child eat meat.

My mother and brother have always disapproved of me being vegan. Over the years they’ve told me I’m wrong and will be ill. They also do stupid things like make animal noises when they eat meat which I just roll my eyes at. Now they’ve found out, whilst discussing Xmas dinner menus at our house this weekend, that my daughter has become vegan and they’ve responded as expected, telling her she’ll be ill, that she shouldn’t listen to me ‘brainwashing and bullying’ her, quizzing her on why she has become vegan, telling her she’s mad and no better than them. My daughter remained calm, said it was her decision, that I obviously haven’t bullied or brainwashed her, that she doesn’t think she’s any better than anyone else, she just wants to be vegan. When they continued were quiz her on why she has become a vegan, they called her a ‘typical preachy vegan’. She wasn’t preaching, she just answered their questions.

Things got heated as my mother started shouting. I told her that she doesn’t get to shout at my daughter in our house about this, and that if they both don’t stop the comments they can leave and not bother coming for Xmas. My brother said our mum can say what she likes and that I owed my mum an apology for saying that. My daughter left the room. My son told my mum and brother that they were out of line and went to check on my daughter. My mum and brother left.

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter. I’ve not responded as I wanted to cool down before I did, but my husband has said to just uninvited them because they’re arseholes and he’s not risking them upsetting our daughter on Xmas day. My daughter says she isn’t bothered and thinks they’re idiots.

If I uninvite them, I think that will probably be the end of my relationships with them but I think that is possibly for the best. There have been lots of problems with them over the years and I think we may be happier without them. They have had issues with other aspects of our life, choices we’ve made, my husbands family (who are all lovely) who they see as ‘snobby’, so the vegan issue is just another thing. They are ok is small doses. My other siblings have low or no contact with them and although I invited them to dinner too, they won’t come because our mother and brother are coming.

OP posts:
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Newgirls · 11/12/2025 17:45

Well done op - it sometimes takes the abuse of our kids to be able to break the cycle.

it wasn’t about the vegan food. It could have been the gates, the car, the carpet … it was about control and being jealous.

so glad you have a good relationship with your siblings - I hope you manage to keep that going

Spiltcof · 11/12/2025 06:52

Wow in the two days since the Op started the thread…. A seismic shift in a situation that has been ongoing for decades!

TickyBooo · 11/12/2025 02:51

They're already making Christmas Day awkward by making requests on where to be seated due to a confrontation, so it's almost guaranteed if they come they'll stick to this demand and will hold onto the 'grudge'. You can almost preempt that the day won't go well and somehow this situation will be brought up and your children, and you, will be made to feel awkward in your own home.

Ive got a toxic family and finally cut ties with them a few years back. Not suggesting you take that massive leap, but boundaries is a good start, and I can promise you once you do that, it is empowering to take control. Don't let them ruin your day and I'd listen to those around you that you trust (husband, kids, other siblings).

Best of luck, it's not easy.

Donsyb · 10/12/2025 16:31

Uninvited them and invite your other siblings instead

Winterwonderwhy · 10/12/2025 14:16

Just saw the update and I think you have such a wonderful family op. Really good supportive siblings, dh and kids. It will be ok.

Winterwonderwhy · 10/12/2025 14:11

ACatNamedRobin · 08/12/2025 07:59

The fact that your other siblings aren't coming because of them says it all.
Join your other siblings and drop the toxic two.

This. How dare they!

Bayroot1 · 10/12/2025 13:49

saraclara · 10/12/2025 13:05

Thank you so much for updating. What an amazing bunch of siblings you are, and congratulations on becoming such great adults, when you had such a poor role model.

I was thinking the same thing

moderate · 10/12/2025 13:30

What a wonderful set of updates, @WantToHibernate; I genuinely have tears in my eyes. It sounds really hopeful for your younger brother to be able to extricate himself as the rest of you have done. Congratulations for breaking the cycle, and I wish you all the merriest of Christmases.

saraclara · 10/12/2025 13:05

Thank you so much for updating. What an amazing bunch of siblings you are, and congratulations on becoming such great adults, when you had such a poor role model.

Hopingtobeaparent · 10/12/2025 12:39

WantToHibernate · 10/12/2025 10:04

We are cautiously hopeful. He has had these moments of clarity before though and did move in with us a few years ago for a while and seemed to be getting himself sorted before our mum got her claws back into him. He is that bit older this time though, has had the opportunity to see more of her behaviour since then, and from how upset my older brother said he was on the phone, I think that maybe the thought of losing us all could mean it’s different this time. Getting some distance will definitely be a good thing.

My younger brother also has a girlfriend now who seems lovely. Our mum doesn’t like her, which is no surprise to any of us. She never liked any of us having friends or boyfriends/girlfriends and there was always something wrong with everyone. His girlfriend is really close to her mum and siblings and has apparently told him that the way our mum behaves isn’t normal, so that’s another sensible voice he is listening to. She lives about 30 minutes away from my oldest brother so if he does go and live near him, he will be closer to her which he will definitely be happy about. 🤞

@WantToHibernate Sounds like there is hope yet for the younger one!! Really hope he can get away, get some clarity, and some assertiveness against her!!

Have a lovely Xmas!!

ChristmasMantleStatue · 10/12/2025 12:33

TBH Every time I read an anti-vegan post it reminds me that veganism is both possible and utterly normal and naysayers tend to be at best slightly ignorant and at worst have a massive chip on their shoulder that has nothing to do with veganism per se.

Hopingtobeaparent · 10/12/2025 12:32

WantToHibernate · 08/12/2025 10:20

Thanks all.

The weekend has definitely changed things. It’s the first time that they’ve crossed the line in directing their nastiness towards our children and not just us and that is a step too far.

I have just sent a very short and to the point text telling them that they’ve crossed a line to speak to our daughter that way, that they’re no longer invited for Xmas, and from now on they’re not welcome at our house.

My husband and I have also just had a conversation with my older brother, who is low contact with them, to put him in the picture in case they contact him. He is really angry that they’ve involved our daughter. He said to leave it to him and that he’ll speak to our youngest brother in a few days to say we’re all here for him IF he gets mum out of his life, but until then, we’ve all had enough and can’t keep doing it.

Perfect!

labamba18 · 10/12/2025 11:47

I tell you what, why don’t you be seated at home because that’s exactly where you’ll be.

And your brother sounds like he’s pushing you to tell them to stay away, which is telling!

secretrocker · 10/12/2025 11:39

What a great update @WantToHibernate - hopefully things will work out well.
I can't believe that some people are so anti-vegan that they will invent imaginary scenarios to defend your hideously toxic mother though ( @JoClogs ).

sprigatito · 10/12/2025 11:37

What a lovely group of siblings you are, in spite of your appalling mother. I’ll be rooting for your brother. It’s so hard to break away.

Rivendellcarrot · 10/12/2025 11:32

JoClogs · 09/12/2025 23:41

It's not misogyny to point out that virtue signalling and veganism are both predominantly female pursuits. We call out toxic masculinity all the time - it doesn't mean we hate men.

I don't "hate" anyone - calling out classism is not hatred any more than calling out racism is.

In my experience, people who accuse other people of "hate" or "hate speech" are usually not very tolerant of different perspectives which they see as "hate".

Edited
Show quote history

Hahahahahaha. As if you are talking about being tolerant.

ChristmasMantleStatue · 10/12/2025 11:21

ChikinLikin · 10/12/2025 09:43

That's a very moving update. Good on your big brother.

Yes this.

OP, you sound like someone I'd want to be friends with. Sensible, reflective, thoughtful and generous.

I hope so much your brother can break free.

Merry Christmas. Thanks

FollowSpot · 10/12/2025 11:09

Great updates, OP - and an example as to how putting your foot down helped your youngest brother see how bad things were.

Well done you, and your other brother. Between you you might have to support and coach your brother into how to deal with your Mum kicking off when he says he is going to his brother's for Christmas. Tell him about Grey Rock technique, and offer him a few phrases to have in his pocket to repeat, rather than engaging and getting drawn into her emotional blackmail.
e.g
We've had this conversation, no more to say
I am a grown up with my own mind - which is made up, and I have no more to say
That is your opinion, to which you are welcome.
I understand you are upset and I hope you can find an arrangement that suits you.

And each time, change the subject or walk away. Calmly.

Fingers crossed OP. Once your brother is safely away you can block your mother over the Christmas period and relax.

Tortielady · 10/12/2025 10:54

The fact that your younger brother has expressed remorse about upsetting his niece is a hopeful sign. Formally, he's her uncle, but a coincidence of birth means that they are more like cousins or siblings in age; these are some of the most enduring relationships we have; they are with us before partners come on the scene and after our parents have gone. If the relationships are good, they see us through bereavement, divorce, all the ups and downs and can be a terrific ballast against loneliness.

It's quite possible that your mother's abrasive character has alienated her siblings and younger family members to the point where the only response she has is to encourage her children to be the same. You and your other siblings haven't taken the baton, you are refusing to be like her and she's doubling down on the one family member who is still young and impressionable enough to be malleable. None of that excuses his poor behaviour, but it underlines for him how much he has to lose if he continues to allow your mother to dictate how he relates to others. He could very well end up as lonely as she sounds, which would be terrible.

Swiftie1878 · 10/12/2025 10:54

WantToHibernate · 10/12/2025 10:04

We are cautiously hopeful. He has had these moments of clarity before though and did move in with us a few years ago for a while and seemed to be getting himself sorted before our mum got her claws back into him. He is that bit older this time though, has had the opportunity to see more of her behaviour since then, and from how upset my older brother said he was on the phone, I think that maybe the thought of losing us all could mean it’s different this time. Getting some distance will definitely be a good thing.

My younger brother also has a girlfriend now who seems lovely. Our mum doesn’t like her, which is no surprise to any of us. She never liked any of us having friends or boyfriends/girlfriends and there was always something wrong with everyone. His girlfriend is really close to her mum and siblings and has apparently told him that the way our mum behaves isn’t normal, so that’s another sensible voice he is listening to. She lives about 30 minutes away from my oldest brother so if he does go and live near him, he will be closer to her which he will definitely be happy about. 🤞

Brilliant updates, OP.
Stand strong when your mum kicks off!

Merry Christmas! 🎄 xx

grumpygrape · 10/12/2025 10:26

Thanks for the updates OP. I think most of us 'got it' from your previous posts but there are some people here who like to weave their own truths 🙄
Fingers crossed your older bro can help younger bro to move out and on and you can have good family times together in the future. 🤗

Bloozie · 10/12/2025 10:25

That's a great update - and I love that you took the time to update, because I was invested in the injustice of it all.

I really hope your little brother manages to make a clean break this time and you can all just move forwards without your mother in your lives, because you all sound like good people, and I doubt she can change. But - miracles can happen, so well done for standing up to her. Maybe she'll take a lesson from it.

surprisebaby12 · 10/12/2025 10:16

Their behaviour is odd and not something you have to tolerate

Original poster
WantToHibernate · 10/12/2025 10:04

We are cautiously hopeful. He has had these moments of clarity before though and did move in with us a few years ago for a while and seemed to be getting himself sorted before our mum got her claws back into him. He is that bit older this time though, has had the opportunity to see more of her behaviour since then, and from how upset my older brother said he was on the phone, I think that maybe the thought of losing us all could mean it’s different this time. Getting some distance will definitely be a good thing.

My younger brother also has a girlfriend now who seems lovely. Our mum doesn’t like her, which is no surprise to any of us. She never liked any of us having friends or boyfriends/girlfriends and there was always something wrong with everyone. His girlfriend is really close to her mum and siblings and has apparently told him that the way our mum behaves isn’t normal, so that’s another sensible voice he is listening to. She lives about 30 minutes away from my oldest brother so if he does go and live near him, he will be closer to her which he will definitely be happy about. 🤞

OP posts:
lizzielizard · 10/12/2025 10:03

Can I just say that I think you and your siblings are marvellous? Your younger brother is very lucky to have you all supporting him. I so hope he grabs the support with both hands and can break away from your mother. Have a happy and peaceful Christmas, all eating exactly what you want! 😄x