To ask why I’m being ignored ?

I would send a frank text 'Mum it seems that you don't want to have a relationship with me as you are always busy when I contact you. Is this your choice? Really what you want? It would be such a shame to miss out on your grandchildren growing up. DS is already upset at seeing you less. It's up to you but you won't be able to get these years back, if you would ever like to talk I am here and I will listen.'

It sounds like coercive control.

It is up to the person writing their will to choose an executor (or executors).

However, it is not entirely unknown for people to be coerced into choosing a particular executor. Which could be all the more concerning if that executor also happens to be a beneficiary of the will, and also has power of attorney.

My mum has just changed her will so that my sibling will get more. They do more for her and she wanted to thank them. Only for the last couple of years. But they always her golden child. She briefly discussed it with me. I do wonder if this is your sisters angle?

I agree with the poster who suggested writing to her OP, I might even be tempted to send it so that it has to be signed for, so that she can't deny receiving it. I would begin by asking her if she is well, and then go on to say that due to her failure to communicate with you and your family recently, her grandchildren are now asking if she is DEAD!! Put that in capital letters so that it really hits home. I'd also mention the lack of birthday cards for the children, and the text you received, and ask her what that was about, although it would seem that it was meant for your sister. I would then end by saying that if you don't receive an explanation from her within whatever period of time you think reasonable, it will be the last time she hears from you and your family, as you're not prepared to play second fiddle to your sisters manipulation.

OP didn't seem to think so and she would know. Manipulators are very good at changing other people's perceptions of reality.

@Normalorproblem
Yes she is executor has been for a few years it was DM choice but is that a concern ? I thought it was up to DM to choose someone
Yes, it is up to DM to choose. Is DM in ill health/old though? Based on your other posts maybe you can write a letter saying you miss her and do not understand why she no longer wants to talk to you. Ask her if the situation is resolvable as you would like to try. You might never know the answer but at least you will have tried your best and that is all you can do. Good luck.

It's sounds horrible OP, it really does.

I'd say try another visit but at opposite ends of the country that's not really practical.

So I'd write your Mum a letter. Keep it short. "Why is this happening, why is this what you want, the GC think you've died what should I tell them?" It may not work if your Mum is truly being manipulated by your sister but what have you got to lose? Good luck.

I saw my sister all over my other sisters husband at chirstmas one year and because I refused his attempt and told another family member what I saw happen, I was slowly outed from the family over the past 10 years. Left out of every Christmas day, no birthday calls or cards for me or my son (since birth!). It used to bother me but not anymore. Your sister sounds just like mine - a jealous attention seeking narcissist. You will never win. The more you repair your relationship with your mum, the worse she will become. My sisters have convinved my entire family that I am a liar since that night, even though I told the truth. She is still married to him, pretends he doesn't cheat and he does constantly. The slaggy sister is still a slag and will never change. I would rather be branded a liar for telling the truth than playing some twisted game with them to be the top of the sister ladder. As for family members that want to believe women like that.....good ridance

Your sister is managing your mother.
Your mother is feeling guilty about something.
I would check if your sister has POA or is executor to mums Will.

'A game is afoot!' I'd be very concerned at the apparent controlling nature of your sister towards your dm! Is dm old, infirm at all, have any cognitive issues, is easily led? The manipulation by your sister could be the start of trying to exclude you from any inheritance - in her mind 'that'd show you!' Perhaps she is already leaning on dm for loans etc? Whatever the motive, you are most definitely being squeezed out! Be careful

Does your sister live with DM? Maybe try calling when you know Sis is busy at work/college/gym/whatever? And if there are other family members, maybe you could talk to them and ask them to find out what is going on?
It does sound as if Sis has convinced your Mum that you are to blame somehow.

your “new narrative” sounds absolutely batshit!!

Then write to her. Tell her the reason you are writing is because she’s avoiding speaking to you. Keep it short and to the facts without being emotional and then you’ll have your answer if she doesn’t respond. She will either deny it or carry on ignoring you.

I’d want to know why she’s cut the relationship with her grandchildren and I’d be directly asking why no cards/presents.

if the kids get nothing at Christmas I’d be asking why and then saying she’s choosing your sister over you and her grandchildren.

sure she might be being coerced so I’d ask that too

Stop trying OP. It's awful, and painful, but she's made it clear she doesn't want a relationship with you or your children. So walk away with your dignity and stop begging for crumbs.

Presumably she picks the phone up when you call before she says she can’t talk? Use that as an opportunity to tell her your kids think she’s dead because contact stopped. I think I would also have been tempted to have it out with her when she accidentally sent you that message, but that moment has probably gone now.

Have you read the thread at all?

Why don’t you just ask her?

It's not cold! I'm not saying she's happy about it, far from it! Perhaps she's dealing with what's on her doorstep and she may well miss her daughter enormously but have to cope with what's going on around her.

I was trying to help OP because she's upset. It isn't necessarily that her mother's being cold, particularly if, as another poster suggested, the narrative has shifted to her husband being predatory.

I wouldn't like OP to be dealing with this at Christmas if she can avoid it. Reconciliations are usually more productive than estrangement, although if she won't engage, there isn't much she can do.

Work calls, good luck OP x

How frustrating. It sounds like it could be coercive control. What age is your mother?

How are your funds? Could you hire a private investigator to review your mother’s movements to see if she’s still autonomous?

(I realize that sounds a bit batshit but perhaps not if something sinister is going on.)

I suspect the new narrative is that your DH tried it on your sister, perhaps even aggressively, and now DM feels duty-bound to protect one daughter from the morally corrupt daughter who stays with a sexually aggressive man.

I know of a family who split themselves in two when the golden child dated a serial rapist. He ended up being the best "son" to the elderly mother because she didn't want to lose that particular DD but sod the rest of her children/grandchildren. Is your sister the golden child too?

I'm sorry OP, it sounds incredibly difficult however I think it would be worth one last ditch attempt to find out the truth no matter how painful it will be to hear. You must be prepared to accept it might be the final time you see her though