To think monogamy is outdated and unrealistic?

Exactly.

It takes me months to feel comfortable enough with a man to achieve an orgasm, it takes time for him to learn my body and his.

I need to know a man and him to know me to get to rhe point where I feel safe enough to reach that level of intimacy.

I absolutely cannot be bothered sharing my whole life with someone new.

The man I married loves and accepts me for who I am. No ONS can bring me the level of safety, love and skill needed to give me what I want in bed.

ONS is an absolute worst nightmare scenario whether I am 23 or 63.

This is 2025 and you have options other than monogamy if you want them, and plenty of spaces to find like-minded partners. It's not even controversial at this point.

It's fine to want monogamy, it's fine to want the other options, it's pointless trying to turn it into an academic debate.

I hated dating, I’ll stick with monogamy

I’m in my 50s. I was at an evening out the other day with 6 other people and I was the only person there who hadn’t met their partner at university. Some hadn’t actually married until their 30s, but all were heading towards their 60s still apparently happily together with the same person. No sign of anything but monogamy from any of them. I think this is pretty normal tbh.

Whatever works for people.

To me, I can’t think of anything worse than a ONS. I did it once when much younger and hated it, never again. For me, I need to be in a relationship for it to work, commitment free sex I can’t do.

Me and DH meant every word of our vows. Neither of us have ever waivered, and our children have benefited from this commitment.

Most people are not getting married at 20 or living to 95
I spent most of my 20,s single and met dh when I was 31
I have no desire to go back to my single days.

I think modern day love is so busy if you are working full time, bringing up kids, trying to do everything else. So I definitely don’t have time/ the inclination to see more than one person at a time. Some people do but I certainly couldn’t be bothered and wouldn’t want to.
Some people are very lucky in my opinion and find one person for life. I think it’s more unlikely people will stay together for life now than in the past due to life expectancies and other factors so in that sense I agree with you. The divorce rate in the UK is 42% at the moment so clearly not everyone stays together for life. I think life would be a lot easier/ nicer if you did just meet one person (who wasn’t abusive) and you stayed together for life.

Be careful about STDs

I think at 50, and presumably having been in the same relationship since you were 20 or younger you may be romanticising this a bit. Problem is, if you are having ons's in your 20s you are largely having them with hot 20 somethings. A ONS with some 50 year old bloke with a ton of baggage moaning about how he doesn't know why his wife left him is not going to be the same. I'd also be happy never to be in a relationship again if my marriage ended. I voted yanbu because it is unrealistic for most to be in a relationship from 20 ish to 95.Most people cant make that work and some that do are miserable and trapped.

Never had a ONS, zero desire to ever have one. Monogamy is great, if you don’t want it thats fine, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t the right thing for other people.

I’ve never wanted a ONS or to sleep around, sex for me has to be in a loving relationship.

I don't see why you'd be slaughtered.

Monogamy is chosen by people not imposed upon them.

If you don't want monogamy, don't get married and don't enter into a relationship the other person believes to be monogamous.

I don't see why anyone would 'slaughter' you for that unless you're advocating for marriage for the benefits it brings but shagging whoever behind their back and using the argument that monogamy is unrealistic to justify it

DH and I have been together 22 years and coming up to 20 years married. I can't imagine another person ever knowing me as deeply as he does, and vice versa. That level of intimacy can only come with time I think.

We might be old fashioned and ourdated, but happy :)

It is fine if that isn't for everyone though, whatever makes people happiest-I can understand that variety would be preferable for some people too.

From what I have read here and elsewhere, OLD sounds horrible though. I think if DH and I ever did split up, I wouldn't actively seek another relationship, particularly not online.

The best thing about getting married for me is no longer having to meet new people and fart around. I hate dating. ONS sounds horrific. I've found a fantastic man and very happy with that. The "excitement" of meeting new people and trying to form connections is just anxiety for me. And I can't be arsed with putting that on myself again, there's way more to life to actually enjoy rather than endure that awful shite.

Monogamy isn’t for everyone, but neither is practising “uncommitted shagging”.

You do you, OP. At 50 and beyond, I would find that exhausting. Just the idea of getting glammed up as if I were 17 and attempting to go “on the pull” leaves me with a headache and a strong desire to lie down alone in a darkened room!

The difference between us in this scenario is that my wonderful DH would be checking I was OK and offering to make me a cuppa after a short time…

The great thing about feminism is that it has made it possible for women (and men) to leave relationships that aren't working for them.

If you don't want to be a monogamous you don't have to be, if you want to be great, you can be.

Or, I suppose they can just do whatever they like, and OP can too. Seems a more sensible arrangement to me.

I agree with you. I would never get married as I doubt I'd be able to make it work and I treat it very seriously. Other people just get married and divorced without a care and move on. I think that's what OP is getting at if I'm understanding correctly, not cheating necessarily. If people can move on so easily they shouldn't get married in the first place.

Nah. Monogamy is our standard relationship model, and we'll just keep it.

Do whatever you personally like and be absolutely upfront about it to any potential fuck buddies, stick to your own boundaries, be truthful, and nobody will care.

I think you’re lucky to have a happy and long-term monogamous relationship. Having said that, most of our friends have been married for at least 20 years and are very happy.

I have a couple of girlfriends who find themselves newly single and about 50, and believe me, they’d far rather be in a long term happy marriage than facing the prospect of middle aged dating.

I’ve never had any interest in sex without a deep emotional and intellectual attachment. If casual sexual encounters appeal to people, they should have them, but they do not look better than monogamy for me.

If thats whats right for you OP then go for it. If you get into a relationship (not a ONS) then just be upfront about that.

However monogamous relationships are right for many people for many different reasons. Just because monogamy isn't right for you, doesn't make it outdated or unrealistic.

Well the “til death” part used to come a lot sooner on average, historically speaking.

Men are no longer being sent off to random wars with reliable regularity and dying/not returning, presumed dead, in the last 70 years.

Edited to add: Women don’t die in childbirth either such reliable regularity now, either.

It’s also significantly more difficult to just disappear and start a new life elsewhere - surprisingly common not so long ago.