To think monogamy is outdated and unrealistic?

Yes I'm going to get slaughtered on here, but honestly, is "til death us do part" realistic from say 20-95 nowadays?

Average age of UK marriages is 32/33, life expectancy from age 30 is to reach age 80.

My rule of thumb that anyone who starts their post with "I'm going to get flamed for this" or the like is actually posting nothing controversial continues to hold.

Dude OP alert!

It doesn’t matter whether it’s outdated or not. People do their own thing.

I remember a friend telling me that if her husband cheated, so long as he used a condom and didn’t contact them again etc, she wouldn’t care. She said it would only be an issue if it changed their relationship in some way (ie he stopped having sex with her, pursued an actual affair, or left). She said her priority was keeping her nice home, stability in her family and so on.

At the time I was shocked, but years down the line I sort of understand it. I doubt I would sell our family home, move our DC’s schools and put us all in a precarious financial position when tbh I’m not a hugely jealous person and have no intention of ‘going digging’.

I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for over twenty years and it seems to work for us so far.

I think life stresses are usually the reason for people starting to feel differently about themselves and their partner and beginning to look outside the relationship.

We had dc almost straight after meeting so the young dc drudgery happened when we still really liked each other and kind of wanted to impress each other so we breezed it and our sex life never dwindled. Being young and fit probably helped tbh.

Having a relationship you don’t feel the need to escape from is a good starting point. It’s so easy now with social media etc to see what everyone else has got and be offered opportunities to cheat or feel that you’re missing out but personally, DH and I both feel that we’re punching in our relationship in different ways.

Yes I could go and have sex with someone I found attractive but what then? I wouldn’t choose them over the lovely life I have with my husband and the father of my dc so what would be the point of hurting everyone. If I just want sex I can have it with DH and everyone is happy.

Same.

Each to their own. I am very happy in my monogamous marriage (22 years thus far, we’ve been together for 27) and hope it lasts until one of us dies. I enjoyed a few ONS as a young woman but wouldn’t want that now. Nor would I want a Fuck Buddy or a Friend with Benefits or any of that. I just want my husband thank you.

In agree with this, I don't think i could ever have the mental energy/ bandwidth to do anything but monogomy, but this doesn't rule out ONS, I had them when i was younger and maybe be will again soon as i am divorcing immeniently. Even when I was dating, it was one at a time, but we are all different.

Doesn't work for you, fine. Works for me so far.

I’m just trying to figure out what the OP means by the ‘buzz and inhibition of a ONS’. Surely it’s a lack of inhibition that’s exciting? Sorry for derailing a bit.

Other than that, whatever floats your boat. Just don’t cheat on someone who is under the impression that you’re committed to only them.

What's wrong with just enjoying a good, commitment free shg**

OP why on earth have you put an asterisk instead of the a in shag? It’s incongruous with the rest of your post.

Obviously there’s nothing wrong with enjoying good, commitment-free sex, but as you’re so prim you can’t bring yourself to type very mild words relating to the act of copulation perhaps it’s not right for you.

Its not so much about the commitment free shag.

Its that for me long term relationships are usually very restrictive: deadening and stifling.

I could live without sex, but I find the thought of being locked into a state of frustration and suppressed resentment terrifying.

Different lovers react differently, do things differently and provide variety. It stops things going stale. There is a downside too, so it’s a case of weighing up what works for the individual.

There’s no right or wrong here.

I’m always puzzled though when you hear the “only ever been with one partner” stories. Personally, when l became sexually active (l refuse to subscribe to the misogynistic “lost virginity” rubbish), l was keen to find out what another person felt like.

Horse for courses.

I have a perfectly happy marriage, currently, and no desire for a one night commitment free shag.

If you do, that’s fine, whatever does it for you.

I’m 62. I feel no desire for freedom in later life. I like having stuck with Dh and weathered the storms together.

If that unhappiness is the case, then of course, yes, they should separate.
My experience is that once the kids have gone, couples find a new lease of life together, do more travel, socialise with friends more etc.

Why is sex different / better if its with different people ?
I ve had a lot of sex during my lifetime but with just two people and I was married to them at the time .
Why would that sex be better if it had involved having it with lots of individuals ?

This is partially true: certainly when you are raising young children it has to be based on more than sex.

But that period lasts at most 20 years.

I see so many older couples who are in a constant state of suppressed fury at one another and I think “what’s keeping you together other than shared money and history?”

In many of these cases the people in the relationship are holding one another back and its so limiting. I think most people in later life crave a bit of freedom from the millstone of family life. Wouldn’t it be nice if people could part amicably after they have raised their family and do what makes them happy rather than clinging on to a severely unhealthy comfort blanket of a dead relationship?

I did a lot of casual dating and ONS when I was younger, now I am married and definitely prefer monogamy personally. But I am glad that I had other experiences when I was younger so I am not wondering what else is out there. I think a lot of people are happy with monogamy from the start though and don’t want to try anything else. Being in relationship with only one person your whole life is not going to work for everyone though (especially starting at 20) as you change so much - but the answer to that for most people isn’t giving up on monogamous relationships.

Relationships aren’t just about sex, though, are they?
They're about finances, life practicalities, parenting, moral compatibility… the list goes on.
If you’re trying to justify having a loose sex life, don’t do it by pretending that monogamy is a problem. Just own your choice - it is yours after all!

I agree OP.

I think periods of monogamy can be great and I think monogamy through the period of child raising is probably optimal.

But monogamy for life is just insanely restrictive.

When people say their parents have been happily married for 60 years or whatever something dies inside me. I can’t think of anything more stifling and miserable than being with the same person at 70 who you fancied at 20. Biologically it makes no sense.

The great thing about today is women no longer have to tp make peace with the idea that they are yoked together with the same bloke for the rest of their lives.

DH is the love of my life and I look forward to being with him only for the rest of it.
It feels much richer and more meaningful than that inital excitement.

I don’t want anything other than a monogamous relationship. I’d rather be on my own.

Same here.

Monogamy is probably best for society, ie: parenting, families, support etc. But sometimes the key ingredient of passion fades away, which is sad.

But monogamy is probably not a natural way to be. I suspect having a number of longer term lovers (l’m old school and use old terms) and the variety is more rewarding to the individual woman than a string of ONS. Then bring on the double standards and the slut shaming.

OP, it’s clearly time for you, commitment free, to get out there and enjoy. You owe it to yourself. Have fun, stay safe and remember smart women carry condoms.

Personally l’ve never had a ONS in the truest sense of the word. I’ve had some lovely “one offs”, but spending the night with someone afterwards, no!!!

❤️