To think monogamy is outdated and unrealistic?

Nobody is preventing you from shagging around. Is it that the people you'd like to shag are in monogamous relationships and so are not available to you? Complaining to Mumsnet won't solve that, try Reddit

Each to their own. I've been in my relationship for nearly 15 years now. I like monogamy.

In this day & age though you dont have to get glammed up & go out on the pull.

If all you are looking for is a one night stand, you can arrange that from the comfort of your own sofa now, and he'll be round in half an hour.

Just musing...
If you take sex out of the equation, would you be happy to live with your best friend for the rest of your life?
Or your parents?
Or your sibling?
On an intellectual level, I think it's bizarre that we choose one partner and spend our whole life with them. We grow, we change, we take on different personas.
How weird is it that out chosen partner is expected to follow the same pattern, or meekly accept the changes?

This is purely on the outside, looking in now, my DH died a couple of years ago. He was my life, I adored the man. We'd been married for 30 years when he died, and although i loved him implicitly, our lives were separate, I had my interests, he had his, we were more ( very happy) companions when he died, not lovers.
I have no interest in any romantic liaisons, bee n there, done that. But, I still think the 'one partner for life' is not natural. 😏

Why do you need other people's approval?

You are a grown up and you can choose whatever suits you best.

As long as you are honest from the start with any potential partner and make it clear that you are not looking for exclusive or long-term relationship then it is perfectly fine to decide that monogamy is not for you.

Secondly, not everyone finds the idea of having sex with someone they don't know or trust, and who isn't familiar with their body, or their likes and dislikes, to be appealing.

100% agree. This is the reason I've never had any one night stands. And I LOVE sex, anywhere and everywhere with DH. But the idea of some drunken oik all over me, who doesn't know a thing about me and doesn't want to either. Grim.

I remember my much older cousin crying to my DM once when drunk about all the men she'd had shit sex with, none of them cared about her enough to bother with her pleasure, and she was too people pleasing to do anything but fake it and pretend she'd had a great time. It was terrible for her mental health. She was so much happier when she dated/married her DH.

Surely it comes down to what you want from a relationship? For some people they will crave what you refer to and others prefer the 'comfort' of monogamy. I don't think either is right/wrong/outdated or otherwise, people just want different things from relationships, or don't want relationships at all. Both are fine, providing you don't go around being dishonest and hurting people.

the issue is not monogomy. the issue is pretending you are faithful then fucking around behind your partners back.

It isn’t right for everyone hence why so many people have extramarital affairs or just never settle down at all… That isn’t the say it doesn’t work for some though. I work with someone who has only ever had one partner, they’ve been together since school and married for 20 years. To me, this is unfathomable but it clearly works for them.

I think some people struggle with confidence and self esteem so when they meet someone who actually loves them, they stick with them. I know that sounds cynical but this guy doesn’t think much of himself and he isn’t very attractive so I guess he’s just stuck with the first girl who showed him attention. For others it’s habit I guess, easier to stay than become single later in life and have to date again. Then a few do genuinely find the person they love quite young and it works out.

Been with DH for 17 years, since I was 18. He is my only sexual partner and I'm very happy with that. I feel completely safe, adored and comfortable with him. He is always happy to please and really cares about my pleasure. I can't imagine a ONS being better, as they don't know my body or preferences. Monogamy isn't outdated, but communication is so important for a satisfying relationship.

A ONS never appealed to me.
You never know where they've been. No thanks.

It will be interesting to see what happens to marriage if the tech billionaires manage to extend the lifespan. There is quite a buzz building around AI and its use in medical research. It may well turbo charge advances in longevity medicine. We may even see the first anti-ageing drugs within ten years. What will happen if average lifespans go from 80 to 120 or 130 or even 150? Could people stay loyal for 100+ years?

Monogamy doesn’t mean one partner for life. It’s about bringing faithful to one person you’re currently a relationship with and that works for me. I can’t understand wanting several sexual partners at the same time

Only if you want it to be.

I dont think its unrealistic, I just think that it wasnt ever right that society ever thought the following was going to ever be a good setup for happy lasting relationships:

• Marrying the first person you ever date seriously, or literally the first person you ever date.
• Getting married before you've ever experienced the formative thing that is dealing with a breakup!
• Romanticising 'first love' and 'childhood sweethearts' rather than 'someone who loves you, who you love, who treats you well'
• Marrying in your early twenties before your brain fully develops
• Having babies young before you've really grown up
• Having relationship role models around us who did the same
• Having a system where men were expected to earn a wage and maybe do a bit of gardening/car maintenance and women were expected to do everything else

I think you've misunderstood the meaning of monogamy. It means only having one partner at a time. It certainly doesn't mean 'til death do us part'. And fortunately even being married doesn't mean you can't split up. So unless you think we should all be having multiple relationships at once, obviously YABU.

I've been happily married for over 20 years. If I somehow ended up single, I'd stay that way. I wouldn't be interested in another relationship (long-term or short-term).

If I wasn't with dh then I probably wouldn't have another sexual relationship. I just can't imaging being bothered with it.

I had plenty of no strings sex before I met dh and it really wasn't all that either. My first orgasm with another person was with him and we have great sex consistently because we're comfortable and know what works for each other. Maybe if my body worked differently I'd feel differently, but it doesn't and I don't.

Other people are free to live their lives however they like.

Same here!

I look forward to growing old with my husband, been together 35 years so getting there!
I do think people are different, some are like me, and others haven't met someone they want to be with forever, and want to be with new people.
Both are OK.
Edited for spelling

The thing everyone hates about posts like this OP is that you're presenting your lifestyle choice as the only correct one, which is just really stupid isn't it? Because there's no such thing as a universally correct lifestyle.

Personally, I find the idea of shagging around a bunch of strangers really unappealing. ONS are almost always disappointing because let's be real, a vast majority of men are selfish lovers and even moreso when they know they don't have to see the woman again.

If it works for you that's fine but suggesting that people who prefer monogamy must be somehow less evolved than you makes you just sound like a fucking moron and completely over shadows any valid points you may have had.

Each to their own.
Live and let live.

I wouldn't want to be one that has had a succession of marrages or DC with different partners and all the dramas that go with it that I read about on MN..

In fact now being mid 60's and having been with DH since we were both 17 I'm fortunate to now be past those years.

Were very much a couple but not joined at the hip.

Just as monogamy isn't for everyone, writing it off and declaring the whole world non-monogamous is ridiculous too. To each, their own.

I'm on my second marriage to a man I love deeply, and have an excellent life with. In theory, we are non-monogamous and have each in the past dated others. None of those relationships (ONS isn't the thing for me, I need to have a connection with someone to want to have sex with them) lasted, and the upshot is that our relationship has been essentially monogamous for a while now. He can date whomever he pleases, within our agreed boundaries, and I can do the same. That we have both chosen not to because, frankly, we never found partners that were anywhere near as fulfilling as the one we each have, tells me that we're pretty well matched.

Not sure it is outdated as majority of people when they get married believe they will stay faithful and some do and are happy with this others don't as they have got bored, fallen out of love or just because the opportunity is there are they can't resist that excitement. There isn't one reason why

but people always have been unfaithful, its just easier now to meet others and women no longer have the same worries over birth control and this will have absolutely held some women back

DP and I are in an ENM relationship. Been together for 6 years. I’m 51.

I was monogamous for 15 years whilst raising my children. But, after divorcing in 2019, the last thing I wanted was another monogamous relationship.

It’s not about ONS or shagging whoever I want. I enjoy the freedom of meeting new people without normal societal constraints. I can go out to dinner with a nice chap without any expectation that it’s a date or that I’m looking for a boyfriend, it’s just nice getting to know people for themselves with no agenda. Some have become good friends, some have become lovers, some have never been seen again..! I might have one relationship where we go travelling together and another relationship where we do sports together. Different people bring different dynamics and I like surrounding myself with interesting companions. I hope they benefit from knowing me too.

Ultimately DP and I prioritise each other and are completely honest with each other. If he said he didn’t want me to see a particular person, I’d respect that. The same is true for him seeing other people. We don’t always get to have our cake and eat it!

Surprisingly having this freedom has strengthened our relationship. I don’t need to feel insecure about him chatting to pretty girls online because I know he’d just ask me if he wanted to meet someone else and he’d respect my opinion. So the trust between us is very deep.

It’s not for everyone and most people I think are fundamentally monogamous but it works for us. I do notice that younger people seem to be much more open to alternative relationship models and hierarchies, so perhaps times are changing as women are more independent and put off having children.

If you’re locked into a state of frustration and suppressed resentment, then you don’t have a good relationship. You have a relationship you should probably end.