Sad about not being involved in daughter’s wedding.

If they are using inheritance from partners side your daughter is probably feeling more pressure to include/pander to MIL.

When is the wedding? If you are close just catch up regularly, I’m sure you will be included more the closer the wedding is.

That sounds manipulative and full on to me. It would risk pushing DD away further.

A warm and constructive offer to help with something specific for to do something together wojld be much better.

By highly strung do you mean organised and proactive?
By laid back do you mean you are disorganised and not proactive?
How about you just say, look DD, I'm happy to help in any way you like, but also happy to take a back seat if you are on top of things? Decent mothers tend to offer.

when is the wedding?
what will you have to do?
show an interest and she can open up to you

Is it possible your DD would prefer a bit more structure and chasing up from your end? Could being laid back be seen as uninterested?

I think it’s a bit unfair to suggest she is only ‘throwing everything’ into her relationship with her future DIL because she has sons. It’s suggesting she’d be different if she had a daughter but that’s not necessarily the case. My mum has a lovely relationship with my SIL (brother’s wife) because they love and value each other. My existence has had no relevance to their relationship.

but I’d offer to go dress shopping and buy the dress for her. My mum bought my dress for me and it was a really special day. By the way my mum is very highly strung and a massive organiser- it was invaluable. Yes we roll our eyes and sometimes got frustrated but she did so much to help organise I’m forever grateful.

You’ve spent your life making your DD’s life easier and it sounds like she appreciates that. Whereas MiL’s high strung involvement is a burden for your DD and spoiling the run up to her wedding to some extent. Do you really want to be that to her as well?

There’s excitement in wedding planning, but it’s not really that significant in the scheme of things.

You currently seem to be thinking about what you might be able to extract from her if you emotionally blackmailed her (this is what her MiL is doing to her). But I suspect you don’t really want to be that sort of mum. Try not to focus on missing out on what is, really, just some party planning, and take a bit more pride in how well you treat your DD and how much you’ve done to make her life good.

Agree with PP that it’s worth asking her if she’d like you to go dress shopping with her or take her out some time for a meal or a spa day or something else she’d enjoy as a break from the stress and let her tell you about how much she loves her fiancé and how much she’s looking forward to the wedding. But don’t look to involvement as some sort of measure of her love for you. It’s not.

I agree offer to take her out or something. And it would be entirely reasonable to say gently so I understand your mil is being very involved and it’s a bit stressful. From my perspective I think you’re saying the result of that is you cutting me out of the whole process, don’t you think that’s a bit unfair of you? I love you and am keen to be part of it and feel like I’m being punished for caring more than your mil about how you’re feeling about it. You don’t have to reply now but I’d really appreciate if you could think about this, as mil will be in your life for a long time and that shouldn’t mean I’ve lost my daughter.

Ring up and offer her a spa day with lunch. Let her chill and tell you in her own time.

Ask if yoi can do a day out together dress shopping. Offer a spa day for the two of you to discuss the wedding, or ask if you can help make favours or pay for the cake or stuff invitations in to envelopes etc. Offer- don’t wait to be asked.

Being sad about this is completely normal. Who knows what your DD is thinking about it.

It can be hard as a kid with a laid back parent to get them to show that they care, or maybe she is concerned that you won't do it in the same way.

Take her for a drink/coffee/cake etc and say "DD I would love to be more involved with the wedding plannng, is there anything I can help with", and then ask her if she has specific instructions.

How about suggesting a spa day together before the wedding so that you can catch up on her plans and she can have a nice relaxing day with her Mum.

As I suggested above, lots of brides like to go wedding dress shopping with their Mum, have you actually asked her if she would like to do this? Depending on your finances, perhaps you could offer to buy her dress for her too.

If she's always thinking 100 steps ahead, she's probably great at planning.

If you want to be involved, speak to your DD.

Apart from showing interest, support, love there is nothing else you can do. Please don’t spoil her wedding by being all upset - it’s not about you, it’s about the couple getting married. So many parents forget this.

Secretly do something special for her/them, like maybe make a photo album of her and her df as babies, children, teens etc. Leading up to their wedding day.
I'd build them a familytree going back just to grandparents if you don't have enough ancestor info and get it printed out and framed.
The brides mom is not supposed to throw a shower for her own daughter, but you could go ahead and just do it anyways. You could present the family photo book and tree to her then.

This is a good idea, maybe lunch. Say that you'd like to be more involved and that you'd like to take some of the pressure off of her by helping. Don't just leave it. You can be involved without the intensity of the mils way of doing things. Maybe you could help mediate a bit in a delicate way so that the mil isn't so intense and stressful for your dd?

So I would definitely offer to take her out for dinner or ask her over for a short visit to allow her a break from it all.

You’re her mum. Not Mil, you. And no one can take that away from you.

I have has 1 Dd married and another in the planning stages. I think you have to show some interest in them , her poor future Mil does she know you think she's "highly strung"

It works two ways. Do you ever ask her how plans are going, express that you’d love to help with XYZ or join for certain things?

If you never show any interest she could possibly think you just aren’t fussed.

That’s a shame. Can you ask her?

The main thing is that she’s getting married to a decent man (I hope!). But of course all mums secretly dream of their DD’s wedding, whether they admit it or not, so I hope you can find some way to be more involved. Maybe take her out for a meal or weekend just the two of you?

Speak up OP, tell your DD that you would love to be involved in some way, and if she would like your help to please just tell you what she would like you to do.

Have you suggested going wedding dress shopping together? That's something that lots of Mums and daughters enjoy doing together, and even if you live some distance away, you could make a special trip for something like that I'm sure.

Are you really suggesting that you wish you’d made yourself more of a pain in the ass so that your daughter would be badgered into involving you more in her wedding plans, because the only reason she’s involving her MIL is that she’s ’highly strung’ and insistent?

This, I think you should ask her or he excited for her ask her plans etc etc,