To drop out of all in laws Christmas events this year?

Oh yes I always feel like going to an event where the person who supposedly wants me there informs me that ‘it’s not about you’.

Do what will let you have an actual break from all this. I hope the pain eases.

You shouldn’t have to but I would have just lied and said we’re going on holiday or staying in a posh hotel over the Christmas dates.

The only person being unreasonable (+ insensitive and maybe cruel) is your MIL. No point in discussing again.
Don't go, confirm in writing to hosts if appropriate (no further explanation needed) , and give yourselves time to heal.
And its ok to make yo ur own traditions - its ridiculous yo u are being pressured to go to kid centred events if you don't want to! Sounds like You've done more than your share already this year!

Not unreasonable but for your own sanity you need to explain why. If people can’t empathize that is their problem

Def need to prioritise yourself & get through Christmas however you want. Worst case tell insensitive MIL that you have covid on the day & wouldn't want to risk the health of the family!

My heart goes out to you OP. It is so tough- and so difficult to get those with no experience of fertility issues to understand. It is so disappointing that MIL is completely devoid of any sensitivity whatsoever. You have clearly had a really tough year and it is completely a case of ‘you do you’ over Christmas etc.
Your DH needs to just state that you will
not be joining this year as you both need time to relax on your own - no suggesting, no apology. You are not being unreasonable at all.

I have to ask clients if they have children. I tend to just say “is it the two of you?” I can’t even bear to be so crass as to outright say “do you have children” and I genuinely need to know for professional reasons. Can’t believe how crass people are to use this topic as one for inane chatter 🙄🙄

Another vote for sitting this one out, especially as your MIL is obviously such a complete bitch. You are using all your energy getting through this (and you will get through it, in time), and you just don’t have any to spare on that performance this year.

I'm so sorry, OP. You're not unreasonable. As others have said, you're essentially grieving, and it's not them, it's you (two). Maybe you'll feel different in future years, but maybe not. No-one knows at this point in time. You need to do what's right for you this year. It's been tough, and never more than now.
Are there any members of the extended family likely to understand, whom you can confide in, someone who will have your back when the family get together (without you)?

Not unreasonable at all. I would have lost my shit at the point where your mil got angry and it would have all poured out. You’ve done really well keeping your cool throughout all this.

DP will have to be straight with her. She’ll have to get over it. She sounds like an insensitive cow. You both must prioritise your mental health. Even if it’s just for this year.

There should be some sort of public service announcement telling people not to ask women why they don’t have children. People really don’t think sometimes 😡

You are NBU at all. I wonder if your MIL is one of those people who can’t bear a hint of self pity ( and I’m not saying you’re being self pitying either although you’d be perfectly within your rights to wonder why you)

she is maybe thinking you are the sort of people who grudge other people their happiness and she seems to be imagining “the family “ as an amorphous blob where all individuals are subsumed for the greater good.

I still think her response to your reasonable request was a bit unhinged so I’d stop making them. No gentle hints, no requests for understanding, that’s obviously not forthcoming. Just make yourselves unavailable. You’re spending Christmas with a couple of dear, imaginary friends this year, can’t attend the family shebang but have a lovely time! Then do what you want.

You're not being unreasonable at all. His mum is being super unreasonable, even if you didn't want to attend for no other reason than you simply wanted Christmas just the two of you, that would be fine. The idea that you're ‘ruining’ things is ridiculous. You’re both adults, with your own lives, you're not obligated to spend every Christmas with family and if that's the expectation, then I think this will be a good boundary-setting opportunity too.

Sit this one out and enjoy a no-pressure Christmas pleasing yourselves as a couple.

I get asked at least 2-3x a week if I have children and then asked why not etc.

FFS. I wish everybody would stop doing this. I can forgive the "Do you have children?" comment because it's making conversation but I don't ask people this either because usually if they do, they will mention their children at some point in the conversation anyway. But people asking "Why?" when you've said no, that's unforgiveable really. Why are people so insensitive? Surely everyone with half a brain cell knows that many people have struggles with infertility and that might be the reason they don't have children or there could be any number of other reasons.

And as to the rest of your post. OP, yanbu to stay at home at Christmas doing whatever you want. Your husband doesn't want to go to the family events either so you should just say you aren't going this year and stick to it.
If they don't like it, tough.

You need to grieve the loss of the family you wanted to have. It is a loss and it is grief that you are experiencing and it's an awful thing. You need some quiet time to begin to process it, not being surrounded by other people's kids and expected to have a jolly old time.

Oh no, I’m so sorry you’ve contracted Covid just a day or two before Christmas 😉
I think you guys need to sit this one out and do what you want to do this Christmas … id be inclined to FO somewhere and do what suits me (you!)

Huge hugs. Do what you need to do!

Duck out and let DH have a straight talk with MIL about you both needing to withdraw and recover for as long as it takes.

Perhaps some winter holidays for future years x x

I'm so sorry, OP, it is very very hard on you and your DH and you are fully not unreasonable for wanting to stay by yourselves this christmas.

Be kind to yourselves, do what you want to do, eat what you want to eat etc etc. And if you want to cry, cry. As much as you need.

I'll echo pp: if possible tell one person that you trust who can just keep everyone else - esp MIL - off your backs.

Oh OP my heart is hurting for you. You are definitely right to sit this year out and have some quiet time to yourself. Your DH needs to have a word with MIL and make it clear that the subject isn't up for debate. I realise this won't be easy for him as he will be suffering too.See only the people who make your lives a little better.

You're not being at all unreasonable. You and DH should absolutely do your own thing and not have one ounce of guilt or obligation to anyone else. You need this time together. You need to protect your hearts that are feeling fragile at the moment. So stay home, get drunk in your pj's, cuddle up and look after each other! Fuck his family and anyone else who doesn't get it. Sending hugs 💐

OP it’s ok to put boundaries in. Your H can tell his parents and you tell yours. Just a quick “we have had a really really tough year and don’t have the emotional energy for socialising this year I’m sure you understand” will suffice. What they chose to do this this information is their decision, release the responsibility and let them do what they like

Absolutely not unreasonable. Tell them you're away (even if you're not!) and you'll catch up with them another time. Send Xmas presents in advance (if you really want to!). Have a peaceful christmas OP x

You absolutely should sit this one out, it's not even like you would be going to a nice family, your mil sounds like a total cunt. Do not let her guilt you. In fact tell her you are going on holiday so you get a break from them a few days before and after too

Your MIL sounds unpleasant - I dislike it when people try to manipulate others by throwing out the comment “it’s not about you”. Frankly your MIL should be more sympathetic. I know you say you don’t want sympathy, but your MIL should learn to have a bit of empathy and sensitivity for her own son and DIL. I can 100% see why you would want to sit it out, and I think you should. You have nothing to feel guilty about. If your in-laws don’t like it, we’ll it’s tough. It’s not them that have been through the mill like you have. They aren’t considering your feelings in all of this, time to not think about theirs.

Not unreasonable as it is the first Christmas since you reached the end of the road, as you describe it.

Can you book and go away? Just say it’s to good a deal to miss?

or your dh tells his mother the truth, you are both battered by what’s happened and coming to terms with it and simply want to be on your own

just refuse invites and stay away

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. It sounds like you need to step away from this for the sake of your mental health. I would just say you’ve had a really hard year and need a quiet one at home. Agree to a single thing if you feel you must to keep the peace. But don’t if you don’t feel up to it. If they don’t like it? Fuck ‘em. Honestly. You sound like you’ve had an awful time and so much to come to terms with. Focus on you as a couple.