To drop out of all in laws Christmas events this year?

I’m really sorry, Christmas is a shit time of year when you’ve struggled with infertility, look after yourselves and let everyone else FRO.

Totally reasonable. I totally see where you are coming from, no need to feel bad or make yourself do something you don't want to do. After the 3 rounds of IVF that l had, l have a world of sympathy for people with fertility issues. I have no sympathy for your MIL

OP, over the last 40 years, I have known people to suffer such a burden, it is very hard and a grieving process is crucial to go through, to get to acceptance.
They all either went away, took a leave of absence etc., or took time from family because they needed space.

His mother sounds like a piece of work.
Do it.

Are you the MIL? This is insensitive and there’s no need to be unkind and dismissive.

Sorry, meant to add...
We knew our families cared and if we said we weren't coming because we needed time to ourselves they would have completely understood and been loving.

In your case, please ignore my comment about facing it head on, as they clearly don't have the same empathy. They will get over it and hopefully realise how selfish they are being or if not, that's on them and their lack of compassion.

Meanwhile, hugs and love, it's a cruel and harsh time but you will get through it. Please feel free to pm me, I know how overwhelming and obsessive it can be. Xxx

I agree and they might be too awkward to talk about it anyway.

Even if this wasnt all going on, youre quite within your right to want a Christmas by yourselves! Your mil needs to calm down. Just be firm but honest and she’ll calm down and hopefully understand how awful this is for you.

Oh OP I’m sorry to read this. You are not being unreasonable at all!!! I bet all this masking is exhausting in itself. Plus the toll on your body.

stay home. Someone mentioned about telling one person who can then share with others and tell everyone to shut up.

i like the idea of going away. But you may just want to be in your own home.

sending love ❤️

Yanbu in your feelings but you can't isolate yourself from everyone who is having a baby/has kids. I say this as knowing only too well and had to my big girl pants on for those few occasions.

Having tried IVF for 10 years and failed, going to spend Christmas with my in laws, SIL was heavily pregnant with her 4th child from a 4th different Dad at age 24. It hurt, such robust and unplanned fertility in my face, as with younger friends who had 'accidents' and got pregnant. It feels like a kick when you're down and cry walking g down the baby aisles to buy presents for them.

However, we drew a line under it, it wasnt meant to be, had a couple of years for us, then decided to adopt. It was very straightforward and we were blessed with a young child who is our world and we theirs.

I look back at the pain and bitterness I felt and it wasn't fair to project but valid. Sometimes fate works it's way, we were meant to have this little soul to nurture, to be able to give them a good life, take them out of the foster system.

It takes time to realise we all have our different challenges and paths to follow and it really isn't tje end of the world. While it's happening we become consumed but it won't ways be that way.

Yanbu but please give yourself some grace and know there is still so much hope. Xxx

Well it is his family so he can chose what he wants to do and he can tell them that it is on him what he decides

As the explanation pre christmas is too much, agree to going along. Shame you've come down with d&v on christmas eve. Enjoy a peaceful christmas doing whatever brings you comfort.

I'm so sorry, YANBU at all. My only addition would be to firmly tell/text MIL and BIL the bald truth that you have 'run out of money and energy for IVF' and it's too painful to be around kids. That might stop them accusing you of being selfish and the money hurdle stops the unhelpful 'have you tried' and 'just relax' comments, unless any of them likely to cough up a few thousand for your Xmas gift.

So at Christmas due to the many many grandkids and extended family kids, all the parties and gatherings are very child centric. Which is quite right. But we just don’t want to go Completely understandable. Not seeing a single thing wrong with that.

My husband tried to hint to his mother that we might sit this year out and just stay home by ourselves and she got really angry. Saying we’re “ruining the family” and we need to grow up She’s getting angry at the thought that one of her adult children might not be eating lunch with her, and she’s telling you to grow up? Riiight. I don’t think you need to say anything further to be honest. I’d consider that as her formal notification that you aren’t going to be there. Send a text at 9am Christmas Day, wishing everyone a lovely day and telling them that you’ll see them in the new year. And then switch your phones off.

Telling us everything isn’t about us and we need to think of the rest of the family Fucking stupid woman. Of course it’s all about you. It’s your life. If your life isn’t all about you, then something has gone very badly wrong.

Now his family are angry at him because of this. Just because we just want some time away from the constant barrage of happy families and children So what? Let them be angry. Who cares? It’s their problem, not yours. You won’t even be there so what does it matter to you if some horrible people are angry that you aren’t playing your normal role. Fuck them.

Quite frankly we just want to sit and get drunk and eat a load of crap and play stupid games by ourselves without the reminder of what we don’t and will never have Then that’s what will be happening. Problem solved. It’s sorted. The only thing you need to do now is decide what you want to eat and what you want to drink.

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest. Your MIL is totally, utterly unreasonable. I never understand how people can get actually angry about what other people chose to do/not do. My own family are the same to me in different, but also reasonable, circumstances. It baffles me every time. You have the full support of this internet stranger-I hope you have a peaceful Christmas.

Oh ffs. They're at the end of the road and OP has the right to sit this one out. Actually she can do what she wants to for christmas. His mum needs to get over herself. My dh uncle who is childfree never comes around on christmas because he hates it. He comes around a few days later which is absolutely fine. Well, Mil was livid the first christmas but since he stuck to his boundaries she's gotten used to it.
Do what you want/need to feel OK @RoundLolly.

The Op didn’t say the family was their enemy.

She wants a year off and MIL responded like they had shat over the Christmas tree.

It’s fine for the Op and husband to make choices for themselves.

The rest of the family can celebrate Christmas as normal because that’s what suits them.

People have been in this situation for years, when being married and having children was far more common.

You will have to adapt. Face the music and crack on. Otherwise it will become more difficult. You fall off a horse, you get straight back on. I bet you walk past loads of children each day.

His family are not your enemy.

If it's not too late, could you book a nice trip somewhere?

You are absolutely not unreasonable, in any way.

Not only would I sit out the family festivities I would do it with a massive feck off to DMIL for her awful emotional manipulation when DH hinted about not attending. It doesn't matter your reasons, you can do what you want and I would be livid at her reaction

If push comes to shove you could both catch this awful flu that’s going round? Wouldn’t want to risk seeing anyone and passing it on cough cough

Right?! Imagine deriving satisfaction from knowing that the people there are there because they know you’ll kick off if they don’t go. Fa la la bloody la.

My heart goes out to you and to your DH, and you are one million per cent not being unreasonable.

Just wanted to say how sorry I am, OP. Life can be incredibly cruel and you should feel no guilt in doing exactly what you need to do to process your grief.
If your MIL can’t understand that, it’s a her problem and shame on her.
If you can afford to, go on holiday - as far away as humanly possible. Eat, drink, relax and create your own Christmas memories.

I think hubby needs to spell it out to his mum rather than hint, no, you're not ruining anything, you are both doing what you both need to do right now to protect yourselves. If she doesn't understand that then she's unreasonable.

OP, please don't feel pressured and just stick to what you both want to do. Sending hugs and I hope you have a peaceful Christmas.

IT IS ABOUT YOU. AND THAT IS OK

Sorry to shout but your MIL is so out of line and just plain wrong.

please take the time and space you need to do whatever you and DH need to do. If your MIL has a problem with that she is not worth your time or consideration.

If you can, consider messaging another member of the family that you feel is thoughful and considerate and give then a brief explanantion of why you are doing Xmas on your own this year (and I strongly suggest you book a sunny holiday somewhere awesome) and ask them to manage the wider family and let everyone know you dont want to discuss it with anyone.

sending you big hugs