DH ‘sexting’ colleague he only met at work party

Whether it's cheating or not, it is tawdry and disloyal. One can only wonder what might happen at a second meeting - fornicating on the boardroom table? Call me old-fashioned but I wanted decent quality DNA for my children. He would not be it. It would not be a tragedy if his line died out. Honestly, a sperm donor would probably be a better choice than this disappointing specimen.

It is cheating. I'd ask him if he thought it wouldn't be cheating if you were sexing with another man. Stop ttc. In fact, my fanny would be tighter than a banker's fist and drier than a nun's fanny, I wouldn't want to have sex with him at all. And I'd seriously be re-thinking your marriage.

But women ARE dependent and vulnerable when pregnant and just after childbirth, that cannot ever be avoided. And mothers ARE more willing to tolerate shitbag behaviour from the father of their children to keep their family homes stable for the sake of their children, again that's just a fact.

Whether dependent on him or just generally in need of support when pregnant and after birth, this is just a fact. Far better to not foolishly pick a creepy sleazebag who you already know is a liar to be the father of your children.

Cheating online is just cheating, he's a proven liar and a cheat. He's not the one in a billion unicorn who got caught the very first time. She can choose to stay with a liar and a cheat, or not.

It's not complicated, not at all.

Women do not need to be dependent on their partners when pregnant and whether you know that your partner has hit on other women or not, you would be foolish to put your self in a situation where you can’t manage reasonably well without them. It requires a bit planning and a lot more prioritising yourself over your partner than many women tend to do, but women should be ensuring they can live with or without their partners.

If he’s a more than averagely selfish person and/or he’s worked to make her vulbnerable and dependent on him, I’d say those are far more important reasons to leave than a one off flirt with a work colleague. (Which may or may not be the limit of what his poor behaviour).

Women are dependent and vulnerable when pregnant, and if a man is in the picture particularly a shitty, selfish man like the OPs (hopefully ex) partner he will often work to make her dependent and vulnerable on him and exploit that to continue fucking around once she is reliant on him and has children by him whose life she does not wish to disrupt.

It is absolutely never a blip to cheat on your partner. Not ever. It is a choice he made to be a sleazy creep. It is not the first time, I would bet ten thousand pounds on that. Sleazy creeps don't suddenly emerge from a cocoon of decency in their 30s.

And he won't change, he has no reason to do so if she continues the relationship with him, the only consequence is her crying and carrying on for a bit. A man prepared to humiliate and cheat on her won't be perturbed by that at all.

If she boots him out for six months he might change, but doubtful. It is incredibly difficult to alter basic things about your human nature, and he is a lying cheat by nature.

So the only question is, is the OP willing to become pregnant and vulnerable with a creepy sleazebag, or not.

It's not complex at all, she has a straightforward choice to make - tolerate an unfaithful man for as long as their relationship lasts, or move on. No point in pretending he is the one in a billion exception.

I would move on, but that's up to her of course.

I can see that came across as though if it were the only thing I might just ignore it, which - no. My advice is not to ignore it and carry on regardless. It’s to get the interview out of the way and think about what OP wanted and whether she really thought she could get it with this guy.

I wouldn’t recommend a woman become dependent on a man (or another woman) if she can avoid it, regardless of how well behaved they are and previous advice on this thread to stop TTC are well founded.

But people aren’t perfect and if it’s a blip then there may still be a future between them. Plenty of relationships have survived an incident of poor behaviour of this level from one partner and gone on to be great for both parties. But it’s fine for it to be a red line for someone.

Yep, and it is absolutely bollocks. The daft theories invented by men to explain why men just had to screw around are just that - daft and completely debunked theories.

Modern theory has it that early humans, moved around in small groups where the women had sex with several men in the group for protection and to ensure that if pregnant the men would not know if it was their offspring or not, ensuring her their care and resources.

This also explains why women are multi orgasmic - to encourage them to seek out lots of different types of healthy sperm, and why women have evolved to mask their fertile period, most men have no idea when she is at her most fertile and cannot guess if they are the father based on that.

It also explains sperm wars. Sperm lives inside women for a couple of days, if she has sex with several different men then only the strongest sperm will conquer the other sperm, they actually fight one another to get to the egg.

Read the book What Women Really Want by Daniel Bergner, it utterly debunks the notion that men are more sexual than women. Using devices to measure arousal, men and women were both shown lots of sexual images. The women were aroused by pretty much everything, no matter if they identified themselves as heterosexual or not. However men who identified as heterosexual were mainly aroused by heterosexual images. Women even indicated physical arousal from watching Bonobos get it on.

Eye tracking technology also proves that women look at the shoulder to hip ratio, then men's bottoms and if the penis is on view the penis is very interesting to women.

And then there's the huge elephant in the room nobody wants to address. It is a fact that around 3 years in to a relationship, women's sexual interest in their current partner dips massively.

But it's not that she doesn't want sex. It's that she doesn't want sex with HIM. Introduce her favourite fantasy man and she is instantly sexual again.

This is nature's way of ensuring women will sleep around. Men, however, are almost always still very interested in their female partners sexually, often all throughout the relationship however long it lasts.

It also explains the absolutely extraordinary lengths men have always gone to to try to keep their women away from other men, from chastity belts to violence to constant societal scolding - if men weren't worried about women sleeping around none of this would be necessary at all.

And none of this is to say, at all, that just because women are wired for sleeping with many different men that they have to, or they should.

Both sexes are physically wired for many partners - particularly women - but metnally we are very much wired for the pair bond, most of us anyway.

Both sexes have the choice to do the right thing, always, or the wrong thing.

There is no get out of jail free card for men or women. Doing the wrong thing by the person who loves and trusts you is always entirely a choice.

So so awful for you, sorry

I would be so upset. How dare he behave like this. I would definitely be texting her and telling her to stop being a flirt. I really feel sad for you, and your husband needs a sharp shock. Tell him to leave the house as you are so hurt by his bullshit. He will see the error of his ways and wont do it again. However if he really doesn’t care that he has hurt you, then you are better off without him. If you just give him the cold shoulder for a week then mark my words this will become more than sexting. Sorry, shitty time of year for this to be happening to you.

I’d rather read the Beano (is it still going), than read a load of bullshit that excuses shit behaviour because someone has a penis.

You'd consider getting pregnant and being vulnerable and dependent on a man who tells random women he can't stop staring at their tits?

Each to their own, I suppose.

I’d consider it on the minor end of cheating. A bit more serious than going to a strip bar, but not as serious as kissing or anywhere near as serious as having sex.

It wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me on its own, but it might be the straw…

Get your interview out of the way and then have a think about what you want from your relationship and whether you honestly think you can get it, given his actions.

It's probably not the first time sexting with this woman, or other women at his work, it's just he was too drunk/hungover to remember to delete everything.

I wouldn't waste my time checking, I'd just move on, he is 100% NOT father material.

Go through his phone properly. This definitely isn't a first

Throw him back! You don’t want a baby with this man

I told him this is cheating and he said that’s nonsense as nothing happened.

@Jaydee92, in my marriage this is absolutely cheating. And in answer to his remorseless statement above — plenty did indeed happen. He was actively connecting sexually with this OW.

He’s been making a fool of you. Having clearly been flirting on video, they ramped it up in public at the party and into the next day/evening. He was pursuing her and lapping up the illicit thrills while at home with you. He is entitled, self-serving, and non-monogamous. Be aware that, in addition to his cheating, his defensiveness and minimizing make him a poor risk for successful reconciliation.

In my view, his sleeping in the spare room is a slap on the wrist. He needs to feel the loss of you to understand that you mean business, so send him away while you weigh your options. Personally, his infidelity and massive disrespect/disloyalty would be dealbreakers for me. He would be permanently gone. If you stay you’ll be sentencing yourself to a life of perpetual anxiety and uncertainty. I certainly wouldn’t have a baby with such an immature, weak-boundaried, untrustworthy man.

@Jaydee92, I encourage you to contact OW’s partner. His agency has also been stolen, and he too deserves to know what is going on in his relationship.

Get rid, he clearly wants to explore other options. You are wasting your time on him.
If he is doing this while TTC then he will be 100 times worse if you get pregnantnand arent up for sex, have a new baby and are tired all the time and things get tough and monotomous.
He's just not committed.

I am so sorry. Unfortunately, it's the norm that there is physical cheating if there is non physical cheating - and it's almost never that they are caught the first time.

Yep it just is cheating, and I am very tired of the attempts to minimise the dreadful harm and intentions behind all cheating including non physical cheating - not by you, I mean just in general.

The definition of cheating is to act dishonestly or unfairly to gain an advantage. And that's what this is.

He's a treacherous pig. I hope she has the sense she was born with and does not have children with this man.

Good god. Do not have kids with him.

He will cheat on you when the opportunity arises.

He may already have - he clearly feels entitled to do as he pleases; his reaction when you caught him out is very telling: "I confronted DH immediately and he was initially really defensive before apologising, said he still felt drunk the following day and got carried away and had the ‘horn’."

So, how on earth will he cope when you have had a baby and your focus is quite rightly on your newborn, and you are recovering from birth, and too touched-out and knackered for sex?

You will never be able to trust him, and nor should you.

Wishing you look for your interview. I hope it's the outcome you want.

Possibly.
Turns out here has lifelong form 😬

His own fault for cheating. He will pay the consequences now.

His own fault for allowing you access to his phone and notifications. He will learn and pay the consequences now.

That is clear cut cheating for me. I would end the relationship over that.