DH ‘sexting’ colleague he only met at work party

Everyone should be aware of what the opposite sex finds meaningful in a relationship. Women tend to like practical and emotional support and men tend to like sexual progression. I can almost guarantee that this kind of behaviour is the result of stagnating sexuality between the couple. Women do tend to shoot themselves in the foot by cutting off sexuality and then getting surprised that the man goes to find it elsewhere. Both sides of the relationship should remember what the opposite sex wants in their lives and should try to accommodate that. That's the true meaning of empathy, and is how you have a successful relationship.

Cheating , sadly

You need to leave him. This is the warning shot across your bows.

If he's like this now, what the bugger arse will e be like if you have kids.

At least you know now. Get the job, dump the cheater.

Do not get pregnant. You've been given an early xmas present of foreknowledge about the type of husband and father he will be. He's failed at an early hurdle.

If this was me I would have told her exactly what I thought of them both and copied and pasted her Partner in. If he isn't on Instagram, he can't be too hard to find.
I would be beyond livid. Not as much for the night itself, but the fact they are clearly both continuing it.

Imagine TTC and worrying that he's really fantasising about her whilst making your baby. 😔

Get rid while you still can💐

Oh dear, of course its cheating! This is far from innocent banter that really might happen between the collegues and he knows that, that's why he got so defensive. Please, don't even consider continuing ttc with him, this might not even be the first time he's doing something like this. It's not going to get better.

I think there’s a huge difference between a bit of flirty banter between colleagues - I’m guilty of this, it’s like platonic banter if that makes sense. Of course we continue all find others attractive - this is what keeps relationships alive. However “I wish I was the sofa” aka “I want you to sit on my face” is a whole other level of seediness and there’s a planned element to this as well it’s not a moment of weakness.

Did you screenshot the messages?

whatever you decide to do don’t let them get away with it. I would make sure he blocks her. He must actively look for another job. I would also message her and tell her anymore contact & you’ll be sending these messages to her partner. I would be tempted to send them anyway

You’ve told him that you consider this cheating.

Instead of taking accountability, apologising and owning his behaviour… He is arguing that it isn’t cheating? Classic deflection and defensiveness. The definition of “cheating” can mean different things to different people, however that’s not really important - it’s very telling that he seems to think it’s fine to sext a colleague, when he has a partner. WTF?!???! What is the point of him?

it’s an opinion based forum!!! Why do people not get this when they attack someone for having the wrong opinion. Dangerous advice is abit extreme. This person expressed an opinion & in no way condoned his actions. Quite the opposite. I agree with both you & her. It’s cheating to a degree, but it’s not the same as a full blown affair. She is not advocating for this woman to stay with this man. The only person to decide that is this woman.

we don’t know their personal situation. You can make assumptions. So how’s this for one. They’re in their 30’s her biological clock is now ticking. He has had a moment of stupidity & as far as we know has partaken in some serious flirting. It’s been caught early. There has been no other indications of bad behaviour, this stupid man has had his head momentarily turned & has been flattered by the attention. She follows the advice on leaving & now the urge to be a mother is greater. She’s rushing to find a mate. Most men she’s meeting are already fathers, the decent men will be in no rush to have kids with someone they’ve not long dated. (They don’t have the same urgency to procreate). So she now spends years in another relationship hoping she’ll eventually have the family she dreamed of to then find it doesn’t work out or she can’t have kids. IVF success rates also decrease with age. Her life is now not as she planned. If this is the case for her then which advice is the more dangerous.

for me she is justified leaving & I wouldn’t blame her. However if she stayed I wouldn’t judge her for that either. I don’t think it’s weak to try & save your marriage especially if this appears to be a one off. Which it very most points to it. Cheaters don’t tend to give their wives passwords to their phone. He wasn’t acting very secretive hiding his phone. She’s hurt now & her head is all over the place. She’ll want advice & she should be given varied response so she can make the decision best for her.

Stop TTC.

This man has shown zero remorse.

His behaviour is likely to escalate.

This nails it.

Parsing the definition of “cheating” is missing the point. He’s a disloyal oaf with a pervy, immature mind. Ugh.

Get rid.

I’m sorry this has happened to you.

Your DH is being very dismissive. His behaviour was so inappropriate. Has he done anything like this before? I would struggle to move on- has he previously mentioned this colleague?

Yanbu I'd go absolutely mental. Of course he's cheated OP, even if he hasn't kissed or had sex/sexual contact with this woman which I find it hard to believe he hasn't unless there's something in the messages that explicitly say they haven't. Stop ttc with him and leave him, you deserve better. I'd send the screenshots to her partner too. So sorry this has happened to you OP.

People have different definitions of 'cheating', but that's not really the point. It's a massive betrayal of trust.

He may very well have still been under the influence of alcohol (not that being drunk is an excuse) the next day, but he's had all day Sunday to put a stop to it, delete the messages etc. That says to me that he was likely going to keep the conversation going.

You say she's in a relationship - Why not send the messages to her fella, see what he thinks?

Focus on the interview. Just ignore him until you have space and time to really consider what he’s done.

Then finish it. This is not a man to have kids with.

Also, as a lone parent for 15 years I can tell you that it’s a lot easier than having an asshole man in it. I’ve had time to focus on my career, bring my DD16 up without running interference from a scumbag like your DH.

More dangerous advice from mumsnet this morning. ITS CHEATING. Hes having a sexual conversation with another woman. He wasn't asking her a work question. He was saying he wishes she was sat on top of him!

Op, seriously do not allow this man to pretend this is normal behaviour. Its not. Im sorry but you deserve better and you need to consider if the marriage is over. Im not saying it is, thats for you to decide if you can forgive. You need to sort this out one way or another but there needs to be some serious remorse and maybe therapy for this idiot.

As I don’t believe it’s full on cheating I also don’t think it’s completely innocent. How has it made you feel. Betrayed & hurt. You don’t have children. He hasn’t shown you any loyalty you don’t owe anyone else any, only you know if this is out of character and you want to salvage your marriage. Good luck you don’t deserve this

For the love of god don't have kids with this man!. He's a complete perve who's gaslighting you by saying it's not cheating.

I’m so sorry op but seriously consider that this isn’t the person for you! Good luck in your interview!

i consider this cheating personally. My ex-fiancé met a woman at work and started off messaging like this. I found out, confronted and he said it meant nothing bla bla. So I let it go. Well it turned into a full blown affair, hence him now being my ex. I’m sorry OP, I would think carefully about whether you can trust him and how this will affect your relationship going forward.

Oh please.
Before I would even get to the point of whether or not its cheating id have him gone.
I wouldn't be with someone who spoke to, thought of, texted, or used the words he did to another woman.

Hes a filthy swine.
It may not be cheating in some people's mind but in mine, I dont care. I would not be with someone with that mindset and behaviour anyway. Cheating or not.
Disgusting. Get rid. What a dreadful character he has.

That’s disgusting of him. I’m sorry. So glad you don’t have kids with him. Well done on catching him out.

Tell him to go fuck clean off.

My ex did similar with a work colleague and I found the texts while cooking his dinner. Was even more of a sting as she was fat and not the best looking.

I would have his bags packed. I’d also message the other woman if you have her instagram but then again I’m petty so probably not the best thing to do.

Isn't it!
I'd be inclined to believe it's not the first exchange between them.