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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH ‘sexting’ colleague he only met at work party

382 replies

Jaydee92 · 07/12/2025 18:32

Feeling a bit fragile about this but I feel I need a sanity check. DH started his current job at the beginning of this year, goes into the office twice a week and has a lot of colleague who work remotely and he hasn’t seen before. Christmas party on Friday meant he met most of these in person for the first time as the company paid for them to travel and stay over. He was very drunk and I picked him up at the end of the night from the venue as pre agreed.

He was hungover on Saturday and in bed for most of the morning. Last night sat watching TV I noticed notifications on his phone (instagram messages) from a female name I didn’t recognise. I didn’t say anything but kept noticing it.

We have each others passwords for our phones and when he was in the shower this morning I looked at his messages. The message history only went back to yesterday. But basically the messages were sexual in nature. She posted a photo of her before the party, sat on a sort of sofa/stall. DH said to her he’d seen it and wished he was the stall. She said he was more handsome than he seemed on screen and that she couldn’t stop staring at his ‘bulge’ and suggested his trousers were too tight. DH said he couldn’t stop staring at her ‘tits’ and said sorry if she caught him talking to them.

I confronted DH immediately and he was initially really defensive before apologising, said he still felt drunk the following day and got carried away and had the ‘horn’.

I told him this is cheating and he said that’s nonsense as nothing happened.

My AIBU is whether I’m wrong to consider this cheating.

OP posts:
Yourlifeinyourhands · 08/12/2025 20:40

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 17:07

Apologies for the lack of updates.

He went out last night and didn’t come back until just before midnight (said he needed to clear his head). He said he was at the gym and then sat in McDonald’s for ages.

His gym closes at 6 on a Sunday. I’ve not seen him today as it’s one of my office days but I messaged him to ask why he told a lie. No response.

There’s you answer!

Original poster
Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 20:39

So it turns out he went to see one of his mates. Said he talked to him about our relationship and he has realised he is unhappy. Thinks it’s the ‘pressure’ of potentially being a father and that he finds the routine of ttc to have taken the fun away. That’s why he messaged his colleague and found it so exciting. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants at the moment.

OP posts:
WhereIsMyJumper · 08/12/2025 20:33

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 17:07

Apologies for the lack of updates.

He went out last night and didn’t come back until just before midnight (said he needed to clear his head). He said he was at the gym and then sat in McDonald’s for ages.

His gym closes at 6 on a Sunday. I’ve not seen him today as it’s one of my office days but I messaged him to ask why he told a lie. No response.

Oh yay, now he is making himself the victim in a situation he created!
He should be crawling to you right now, begging for forgiveness and apologising sincerely. Not disappearing to ‘clear his head’

puppymaddness · 08/12/2025 19:59

I'm so sorry OP, he is behaving horrendously.

Nevs · 08/12/2025 19:37

kkloo · 08/12/2025 19:29

He's showing absolutely zero consideration for your feelings here at all. Imagine he caught you sexting another man and the next night you went out and lied about where you were.
What did he need to 'clear his head' for exactly?

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What did he need to 'clear his head' for exactly?

Talk about making her distress all about him !

kkloo · 08/12/2025 19:29

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 17:07

Apologies for the lack of updates.

He went out last night and didn’t come back until just before midnight (said he needed to clear his head). He said he was at the gym and then sat in McDonald’s for ages.

His gym closes at 6 on a Sunday. I’ve not seen him today as it’s one of my office days but I messaged him to ask why he told a lie. No response.

He's showing absolutely zero consideration for your feelings here at all. Imagine he caught you sexting another man and the next night you went out and lied about where you were.
What did he need to 'clear his head' for exactly?

Tatemoderndrawyourown · 08/12/2025 19:28

Please don’t be another of those women who accept a kick in the face to stay with a mediocre man. Those were very explicit messages, NO ONE does that who's not really keen to cheat or has already, let them slide by staying and he’ll know he can do whatever he wants with you.

Cardinalita90 · 08/12/2025 19:17

He ought to be showing you how sorry he is, not vanishing and then ignoring your messages. Further disrespect. I wouldn't chase him anymore, just tell him to move out.

Original poster
Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 19:14

Bones101 · 08/12/2025 19:13

Once you let them away with cheating their ego soars.

He was with her.

Show quote history

He can’t have been, it was clear from the messages I read she was only staying over on the night of the work do and going home the next day.

OP posts:
Bones101 · 08/12/2025 19:13

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 17:07

Apologies for the lack of updates.

He went out last night and didn’t come back until just before midnight (said he needed to clear his head). He said he was at the gym and then sat in McDonald’s for ages.

His gym closes at 6 on a Sunday. I’ve not seen him today as it’s one of my office days but I messaged him to ask why he told a lie. No response.

Once you let them away with cheating their ego soars.

He was with her.

nomas · 08/12/2025 18:59

Mooniezoomie · 08/12/2025 18:57

Especially after the gym!

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Yep, either overstayers would feel uncomfortable after a while because the staff would stare at you or you would start to feel a bit homeless and want to move on.

Mooniezoomie · 08/12/2025 18:57

nomas · 08/12/2025 18:53

No one sits in McDonalds from 6pm to midnight.

He is lying.

Show quote history

Especially after the gym!

nomas · 08/12/2025 18:53

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 17:07

Apologies for the lack of updates.

He went out last night and didn’t come back until just before midnight (said he needed to clear his head). He said he was at the gym and then sat in McDonald’s for ages.

His gym closes at 6 on a Sunday. I’ve not seen him today as it’s one of my office days but I messaged him to ask why he told a lie. No response.

No one sits in McDonalds from 6pm to midnight.

He is lying.

Mooniezoomie · 08/12/2025 18:52

ufo · 08/12/2025 10:12

Everyone should be aware of what the opposite sex finds meaningful in a relationship. Women tend to like practical and emotional support and men tend to like sexual progression. I can almost guarantee that this kind of behaviour is the result of stagnating sexuality between the couple. Women do tend to shoot themselves in the foot by cutting off sexuality and then getting surprised that the man goes to find it elsewhere. Both sides of the relationship should remember what the opposite sex wants in their lives and should try to accommodate that. That's the true meaning of empathy, and is how you have a successful relationship.

Oh fuck right off.

Mintypanda · 08/12/2025 18:45

Pigeonsandgiraffees · 08/12/2025 18:17

Well, men like this can crack on with a robot girlfriend, which would be perfect for them as they can indulge whatever types of "sexual progression" they wish without having to think about another human being's feelings and needs.

No wonder so many of us women are opting out of dating completely. What is on offer from a man versus hobbies, friendships, peace, and freedom - there's no contest, is there?

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Ha! Brilliant

chunkyBoo · 08/12/2025 18:44

Doesn’t sound good!

Pinkissmart · 08/12/2025 18:23

Who cares if it’s cheating. I don’t understand why that has to be the big red line.

I think it’s more helpful to ask yourself if he has been loyal and if he’s been respectful to you

Pigeonsandgiraffees · 08/12/2025 18:17

ufo · 08/12/2025 12:59

Women tend to like consistent emotional and practical support. Women find meaning in it, and that's completely fine. Men should acknowledge and provide that if they care for their partners. Men on the other hand find meaning in sexuality and sexual progression. That's completely fine too, and women should also acknowledge and provide that if they care for their partners.

Should the man be discarded because he doesn't conform to that specific ideal female form of relationship? Does he not deserve to feel meaning in his life too?

Well, men like this can crack on with a robot girlfriend, which would be perfect for them as they can indulge whatever types of "sexual progression" they wish without having to think about another human being's feelings and needs.

No wonder so many of us women are opting out of dating completely. What is on offer from a man versus hobbies, friendships, peace, and freedom - there's no contest, is there?

oneinataxioneinacar · 08/12/2025 18:07

JHound · 08/12/2025 17:08

You have stolen this lazy stereotyping of the sexes from some weird incel / redpill site.

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It's a pretty rapey approach to relationships isn't it!

LoudSnoringDog · 08/12/2025 18:05

You deserve better. Know your worth OP

LadyLindaT · 08/12/2025 17:58

One word: Creep! As other posters have said, do not ever, ever have children with this man. You will be saddled with a liability for the rest of your life. Women should not tie themselves up in knots trying to understand or justify appalling disrespectful behaviour by their so called "partner". If he behaves like this now, just imagine how you would feel being alone at home, pregnant and vulnerable, or looking after a new baby.

TheatricalLife · 08/12/2025 17:43

He's at the least a liar. Very probably a cheater. The fact he won't even admit he's done anything wrong or even message you back is atrocious. Seriously; do yourself a massive favour and dump him before you get pregnant and are saddled with him for years on end. He's a dick.

Nevs · 08/12/2025 17:38

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 17:07

Apologies for the lack of updates.

He went out last night and didn’t come back until just before midnight (said he needed to clear his head). He said he was at the gym and then sat in McDonald’s for ages.

His gym closes at 6 on a Sunday. I’ve not seen him today as it’s one of my office days but I messaged him to ask why he told a lie. No response.

He sounds very selfish. Considering how he hurt you you’d think he’d be on his best behaviour. He doesn’t take your feelings into consideration at all.

Is your gut telling you he was with another woman?

selond · 08/12/2025 17:21

Gross. Stop TTC immediately and find a decent man. This guy is the pits.

Crikeyalmighty · 08/12/2025 17:17

@ufo going to be a lot of disappointed men out there then given that many haven’t exactly covered themselves in glory on the practical support or housework or childcare progression