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Original poster

DH ‘sexting’ colleague he only met at work party

382 replies

Jaydee92 · 07/12/2025 18:32

Feeling a bit fragile about this but I feel I need a sanity check. DH started his current job at the beginning of this year, goes into the office twice a week and has a lot of colleague who work remotely and he hasn’t seen before. Christmas party on Friday meant he met most of these in person for the first time as the company paid for them to travel and stay over. He was very drunk and I picked him up at the end of the night from the venue as pre agreed.

He was hungover on Saturday and in bed for most of the morning. Last night sat watching TV I noticed notifications on his phone (instagram messages) from a female name I didn’t recognise. I didn’t say anything but kept noticing it.

We have each others passwords for our phones and when he was in the shower this morning I looked at his messages. The message history only went back to yesterday. But basically the messages were sexual in nature. She posted a photo of her before the party, sat on a sort of sofa/stall. DH said to her he’d seen it and wished he was the stall. She said he was more handsome than he seemed on screen and that she couldn’t stop staring at his ‘bulge’ and suggested his trousers were too tight. DH said he couldn’t stop staring at her ‘tits’ and said sorry if she caught him talking to them.

I confronted DH immediately and he was initially really defensive before apologising, said he still felt drunk the following day and got carried away and had the ‘horn’.

I told him this is cheating and he said that’s nonsense as nothing happened.

My AIBU is whether I’m wrong to consider this cheating.

OP posts:
CarrierbagsAndPJs · 08/12/2025 22:28

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 20:39

So it turns out he went to see one of his mates. Said he talked to him about our relationship and he has realised he is unhappy. Thinks it’s the ‘pressure’ of potentially being a father and that he finds the routine of ttc to have taken the fun away. That’s why he messaged his colleague and found it so exciting. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants at the moment.

He is a liar. Hr is shofting the blame to you.

stop ttc immediately

Scarydinosaurs · 08/12/2025 22:22

He is trying to punish you now.

Would he be okay with you messaging male friends like he messaged her? No.

Drop this idiot.

TastelessMiserySand · 08/12/2025 22:20

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this OP. Look at it this way, right now he is literally standing in the way of your next chapter and future happiness. One day you will look back on this time, from the vantage point of your beautiful new life, with your adoring next partner and your gorgpeus child, and shudder at the thought of staying with this bellend. You'll think 'Euww! Imagine if I'd stayed with with him, I wouldn't have this wonderful life!".
Or to put it another way (and to share the simple words that woke me up, and out of a crap marriage) you get what you settle for xx

MimiSunshine · 08/12/2025 22:02

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 20:39

So it turns out he went to see one of his mates. Said he talked to him about our relationship and he has realised he is unhappy. Thinks it’s the ‘pressure’ of potentially being a father and that he finds the routine of ttc to have taken the fun away. That’s why he messaged his colleague and found it so exciting. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants at the moment.

Nope, he’s still lying. This is horribly blunt but it’s not the pressure of TTC of possibly being a dad.
he’s just not sure he wants a baby with you. He’s panicking about committing to a future where you are the mother of his child. But he’s scared to fully back out and break up with you.

he’s obviously had a minor flirt with the woman from work or had a passing thought of “she’s attractive” before now and then had a full on flirt at the party. Which lead to the sexting.

dump him, save yourself the drawn out pain of it all. It’s what he’s hoping you’ll do so it’s not on his shoulders

Nighttimeistherightime · 08/12/2025 21:47

You must be devastated. Behind all the bravado of everyone saying get rid, let the trash take itself out etc etc, is the reality of the man you love and were planning a baby with behaving in such a disgusting way. Not just the actions with the OW but also his conduct since. I stayed far too long with a man who treated me, and eventually our children like this.
My advice is to draw a line under who you thought he was and not go back to ever thinking of him in a gentle way. He no longer deserves your affection or attention. Be brave and take control; his stuff is packed and he leaves asap.
You are young enough to find someone who truly appreciates you- he isn’t it, as heartbreaking as that is. His decision was made the second he sent those messages but he emphasised it thoroughly by staying out instead of begging for forgiveness from you.
You have a bright future ahead with someone who will be the partner you need. Let him be the joke he is. Best of luck to you.

MrsLizzieDarcy · 08/12/2025 21:43

OP, you may have invested into this relationship but don't fall into the sunken cost fallacy. You're far better to walk away now than when you're even further in.

He's not a keeper.

LemonDrizzleKay · 08/12/2025 21:38

Milosc · 08/12/2025 21:12

He lied about where he was and is untrustworthy. You really have no idea if he was with her or not. Just because she came from out of town and was supposed to go home doesn't mean she didn't extend her stay. Why not tell you he was going to his mates house? Because he lies and probably wasn't with his mate at all. Do not have children with him. Having children tests the strongest marriage. Your marriage is a mess because your H is acting like a child himself. He is not husband or father material.

I agree with this. The "mate" was probably her. She's welcome to him.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 08/12/2025 21:37

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 20:39

So it turns out he went to see one of his mates. Said he talked to him about our relationship and he has realised he is unhappy. Thinks it’s the ‘pressure’ of potentially being a father and that he finds the routine of ttc to have taken the fun away. That’s why he messaged his colleague and found it so exciting. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants at the moment.

What a pathetic fucking cliche.
I'd save him the bother of having to think about it, get in the bin fuckwit.
You deserve far better than the utter disrespect he's showing you.

TheatricalLife · 08/12/2025 21:22

He couldn't lie straight in bed 🙄.
He'd have happily carried on TTC with you had you not caught him out. He's only suddenly unhappy so he has an excuse and is trying to drum up some sympathy. Notice how he hasn't just broken up with you and is trying to keep you dangling so you are grateful if he picks you. Utter knobhead. If you don't ditch him immediately you need your head tested. If you have a baby, he'll be cheating on you within months, I'd put money on it.

WhereIsMyJumper · 08/12/2025 21:22

He just gets worse. As I said before, anything other than a grovelling apology is totally unacceptable. What a fucking prick. Please please get rid of him
OP. If you want to start a family, you have time to find someone else if that’s what you want. Please listen to all the wise women on here, we’ve made the mistakes and learned the lessons so you don’t have to. Value yourself more than he does and walk away. It’ll be tough at first, but trust me, future you will be so glad you did.

Needaglowup · 08/12/2025 21:19

He’s had an ego boost, things he now has options…tell him if that’s how he feels it’s time for him to go …

Defrostedmariahcarey · 08/12/2025 21:15

The absolute audacity of this man!!!

the pressure of being a father? He’s only in the ttc stage. What’s he going to be like when he’s got an actual newborn and he’s surviving on two hours sleep?? When he can’t have sex because his partner is exhausted and sore and raw?

he doesn’t know what he wants? I’d leave him to find out what he wants alone. He’s shown you who he is - give yourself an early Christmas present and bin him off

Milosc · 08/12/2025 21:12

He lied about where he was and is untrustworthy. You really have no idea if he was with her or not. Just because she came from out of town and was supposed to go home doesn't mean she didn't extend her stay. Why not tell you he was going to his mates house? Because he lies and probably wasn't with his mate at all. Do not have children with him. Having children tests the strongest marriage. Your marriage is a mess because your H is acting like a child himself. He is not husband or father material.

vapourtrail · 08/12/2025 21:11

@Jaydee92 so sorry, that is so shit for you, that must have been so hard to hear on top of the sexting, you really do deserve better.

And believe me, as someone who had a child with someone who had a load of red flags that I didn’t want to see, step away now. You might be thinking, like I was, that you are at an age where you want to be settled and having a baby and so maybe you can make it work.

But he has been an absolute shit and having a child with someone who you later divorce (because if he does this now once a baby is born then the chances of him doing it again are so high) is so hard. Not as a single mum, but sharing your child with someone whose values you do not respect is gut wrenching.

There will be something better out there for you x

Jom222 · 08/12/2025 21:01

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 20:39

So it turns out he went to see one of his mates. Said he talked to him about our relationship and he has realised he is unhappy. Thinks it’s the ‘pressure’ of potentially being a father and that he finds the routine of ttc to have taken the fun away. That’s why he messaged his colleague and found it so exciting. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants at the moment.

I'd genuinely thank him then get the hell out of this relationship. He's not a grown man wanting an adult relationship. Sorry.

puppymaddness · 08/12/2025 21:00

LadyLindaT · 08/12/2025 20:44

Ahem... so this is your fault, now? Get rid before he ruins you.

Yeh he didn't take long to blame OP

Whatsappweirdo · 08/12/2025 20:55

Sounds like he’s trying to make you afraid that he’s going to leave, so you actually forget all about what’s he done and beg him to stay…

PhuckTrump · 08/12/2025 20:51

So he’s a man who cracks under the pressure of TTC sex not being “as much fun”. Complete snowflake manchild.

Wait until he sees how real shit can get once he has some real grownup challenges as a parent. Spoiler alert: he will snap like a twig.

Save yourself the heartache and do not procreate with this boy.

ArcticBear · 08/12/2025 20:49

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 20:39

So it turns out he went to see one of his mates. Said he talked to him about our relationship and he has realised he is unhappy. Thinks it’s the ‘pressure’ of potentially being a father and that he finds the routine of ttc to have taken the fun away. That’s why he messaged his colleague and found it so exciting. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants at the moment.

If this is how he copes with pressure before you have children, then god help you if you don’t heed these massive red flags and he ends up becoming an actual father.

More to the point though, what do YOU want?

Fauchon · 08/12/2025 20:49

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 20:39

So it turns out he went to see one of his mates. Said he talked to him about our relationship and he has realised he is unhappy. Thinks it’s the ‘pressure’ of potentially being a father and that he finds the routine of ttc to have taken the fun away. That’s why he messaged his colleague and found it so exciting. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants at the moment.

Pathetic. If he can't cope with the 'pressure' of TTC how the fuck is he going to cope with the pressure of actually being a parent. Chuck this one back. There are far better specimens out there. Tell him not to worry about not knowing what he wants because you know what you don't want and show him the door.

Oxo01 · 08/12/2025 20:48

Tell him to leave as you dont think you want him mow anyway.

Didimum · 08/12/2025 20:47

Absolute twat. Get rid of him.

LadyLindaT · 08/12/2025 20:44

Ahem... so this is your fault, now? Get rid before he ruins you.

AwfullyGood · 08/12/2025 20:42

Get rid of him. You deserve better than him.

puppymaddness · 08/12/2025 20:41

Jaydee92 · 08/12/2025 20:39

So it turns out he went to see one of his mates. Said he talked to him about our relationship and he has realised he is unhappy. Thinks it’s the ‘pressure’ of potentially being a father and that he finds the routine of ttc to have taken the fun away. That’s why he messaged his colleague and found it so exciting. He said he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants at the moment.

Bin this horrible man. If he's like this ttc, what is he going to be like as a dad?
And the fact that instead of talking to you he started sexting a colleague!