DH ‘sexting’ colleague he only met at work party

Urgh, grubby pair. In the bin and be thankful he showed you who he really is before you conceived.

Fuckme, well im in my 50s and in a very long and happy relationship and in nearly 40 years of being together neither of us has engaged in this kind of behaviour. Its disgusting and degrading.
And he would be out on his arse if he was my DH, as would I if the shoe was on the other foot.
Its nowt to do with age, just standards.
Show him the door, hes a filthy swine.

I’m early 60s - his bags would have been packed in my case , because this kind of behaviour , with someone he barely knows , indicates he’s a player and this won’t be a first or a one off- it’s in his nature . I don’t think age comes into it, although plenty in my age group do have low standards often due to the fact they don’t want to lower their standard of living - we see plenty on mumsnet in their 20s putting up with all kinds of toss too.

What is wrong with some men? Sorry @Jaydee92 it's horrible. I would seriously reconsider your future with him. You deserve better than this.

He didn't get the chance to do anything because OP checked his messages and called him out on it. If left unchecked they could be in a hotel room as we type.

I feel like I need to add something. Don’t get too caught up in whether you, he or others’ think this is cheating or unacceptable. Of course it is unacceptable because it has hurt you and because he wouldn’t have openly told you would he?!? I think sometimes we concentrate too much on being ‘right’ (I always have). In my opinion you are 100% ‘right’ and it oversteps every boundary in 90+% of most peoples relationships but that doesn’t actually matter. Convincing him he is wrong isn’t important. What is important is you deciding if you can move on from this and what you would need from him in order to stay in the marriage. It doesn’t sound like he’s even offering anything at the moment but he will! As soon as he realises that he may have lost you he will make all the promises in the world. But he doesn’t mean them because of course if he did they would have been the 1st thing out of his mouth. If you don’t make a decision to leave this marriage I am urging you to stop TTC for 6 months at least to see how you feel because these are hard feelings to move on from I promise and you may change your mind months or even years down the line. Every Christmas party, every night out, every time he starts a new job, every time he’s on his phone a lot, when you feel crap post partum and can’t have sex or don’t want to have sex etc this will rear its head. I am so very sorry for you OP because I know you must be so hurt and I promise I’m only saying these things because I don’t want you to end up tied to him with a child to co-parent.

Yup, that’s me caught! 😀. I’m a chicken whose spring has long-since faded into winter.

I notice it on here: if only men were more like women all would be fine. But no one can fight evolution and genetics and reality. It takes old age to finally understand that. It’s a route, finally, to happiness. And then you die. But nothing really matters.

And maybe that’s why the ‘younger generation’ is so often unsatisfied with life and so unhappy. It’s genuinely sad.

This is grim. You have seen who he is. It that really what you want to have a child with?

100 per cent cheating. And I’d have a relaxed attitude compared to most on these matters.

@Jaydee92 you will feel fragile because it’s upsetting. I know because my husband did this about a year after we got married. It’s flirting gone too far not cheating. I’d read him the riot act. Way up if you think he’ll do it again. With my DH I basically told him it he’d fucked up and I’d quite happily walk out the door and not come back. Also anything he could do I would do 10 times worse (juvenile response yes). He was sorry. I was pissed off with him for about a month. He hasn’t done it since and it was over a decade ago.

I obvs dont know how old you are, but I am guessing in your 50s/60s as you talk about a long relationship.

I am so glad that the younger generation, such as OP, have set the bar higher as to what they will accept.

Maybe not technically cheating, but he was going to. Maybe still will

Forget having children with him, you deserve better, he’s not committed.

It’s the preamble to cheating and it’s a betrayal of marriage vows. You don’t have to specifically state ‘no talking to other women about sex and their tits’ in your vows for it to be obvious you don’t do that.

He felt horny? Well isn’t there a wife right there to help with that? They always gaslight you btw into thinking it’s nothing. You know it would have gone further had you not seen it if you’re being honest with yourself. I forgave something like this, except I didn’t really but I did try. I can be getting along with my OH, feeling frisky and good and then it hits me like a tonne of bricks that he wanted to look at someone else’s tits and communicate with them while I was in the house and I feel sick, feel like I’m ugly and fat and old and like I wish I had ended it there and then. Don’t do that to yourself, walk away now before kids come along, you are still young and you deserve better than this.

Typical out-of-hand flirting. It’s what blokes do. And women too. Stupid to write it all down though. 🙄

He didn’t actually do anything, and neither did she. So I’d put it down to a bit of fun. Men and women don’t stop fancying others because they are in a relationship, regardless of what teenage romance novels say.

But much depends on whether he would get arsey if the OP were caught doing the same thing.

In my (long and happy) relationship we’ve found a bit of harmless flirting with others makes each appreciate the other more, and keeps things fresh. It keeps the chase going!

Let it go, OP.

The messages imply there is an online history (of flirting) and then they have taken it further at the party. Definitely disloyal, disrespectful cheating behaviour.
Not a man to be tied to or have a child with ...sorry OP

Grim. Don’t have a baby with this man.

Yup.

He's puerile and gross.

Yup.

What makes it worse is that he himself instigated the sexual banter by saying he wished he were the sofa or whatever. Blaming it on being drunk is ridiculous.

This is who he his now - imagine what he’ll be like when having to cope with the stresses of parenthood. I think he’s done OP a favour in the nick of time and if o were her, I’d focus on my career and rethink the whole situation.

Tell him thank you for showing who he is before you got pregnant. I know many good men around me- this is not one. Please bin. He will not magically change into someone else after becoming a father. It will only get worse.

Disagreeing with me doesn’t make you correct. I don’t consider it cheating. I consider it pathetic and juvenile-sounding flirting. Doesn’t mean it’s ok or that I would put up with it. Not sure why you just jumped on me when lots of other people have said the same as me. But crack on I guess…

I'm sorry OP. I'd be very concerned about where this would have led if you hadn't caught him

I'm not sure asking whether it's cheating is the right phrase because it'll depend on everyone's definition.....I do think it is betrayal.

For mr it’s the same as cheating because given half the chance he would have done something with her.

You’ve got each others phone passwords, you’re going through his phone, he’s sexting other women and he’s playing it down - is this really a relationship where you want a baby?

The relationship does not sound good.

You can’t trust him, it’s that simple. If you hadn’t looked on his phone this absolutely would have gone further. As others have said, you just don’t talk to anyone like that when you’re in a loving committed relationship. It was made worse by his being defensive and trying to minimise his actions as meaningless, that’s someone who isn’t sorry he did what he did, just sorry he got caught. Personally I wouldn’t be TTC with this man.