Was I too harsh on my daughter?

I'd take that as she needs reassurance that you are excited to see her.
I'd tell her that actually you are super excited to see her, and you've missed her! I'd also tell her that you are not sad she's at uni, you're super proud of her and how she's dealt with some tricky issues, but are happy that she's coming back for the holidays.

I would not say too much about the room swap thing.
We are swapping round rooms soon now my eldest has started uni. He's not impressed either.
I've told him that he will always have a home here no matter what, but that doesn't mean the biggest room.

The OP thinks that telling her, on this occasion, to get a grip was too harsh and has started a mumsnet thread about it. I’m guessing this girl hasn’t been told no much, and is very much babied. The whole performance about her coming home for a visit is just another sign of that.
And a 19 year old sending that text is a neon sign that she was babied and spoiled.

Don't be so miserable! I loved when my mother did this for me when I was coming home from college. It's a nice gesture, not babying!

Gosh what a high handed sounding response to my post. It’s my opinion, which I thought was kind of the point of Mumsnet. (For the record I’m mum of four graduates, two grandchildren heading that way next year).
Teenagers can be tricky but so can the first year at uni. There’s a need to separate, but a huge need for the reassurance of home.

I'd reply saying : what do you mean "moved on"?
We miss you but are glad you are living your life.
No one has "casually stolen" you room.
Your room is here for you anytime you return.
Ive just cleaned, put new bed linen on your bed and laid out new pyjamas for you.
And yes, get a grip.

Why can’t she keep her room, as it is without younger sis getting it. Uni holidays are long and the summer break up to 4 months. She’s gone to uni not moved out permanently just yet.

When my eldest DS joined the armed forces the front door hadn't even swung shut before DS 2 moved into his bedroom 🤣🤣

Oh bless her, she sounds like she would like to be babied a little bit and made to feel loved. I think it's fine to tell her to get a grip when she says silly things like this, but also see it as a sign that she just wants a bit of attention. New pyjamas, lots of cuddles, and telling her how much you've missed her is probably all she wants, anyway. After a couple of months, she'll be sick of you all and ready to go off again!

Remember she is only 19, a lot of 19 year olds are self absorbed especially after a term in uni with lots of other self absorbed young adults!
Hopefully it’ll be ok when she arrives and realises she is glad to be home

She does sound dramatic but I didn't let my youngest have the bigger room until his brother stopped coming home from uni for most of the holidays. If she is still coming home for 5 months of the year then I would have left it as it was. Uni isn't properly moving out.

Gently op, maybe the apple didn’t fall far from the tree here, you both reacted emotionally. All you had to do is say I’m so excited to see you and you’ve your room back for Xmas, safe journey and can’t wait to see you x

I don’t think you were wrong to tell her to get a grip but I do think it might be helpful to reassure her that you do live and miss her but you’re also proud of her for taking the step in her life and that it’s your job as her parent to support her to become independent and build her own life

I think most of have been guilty of being at least a little moody and overdramatic at that age

One of mine got married a few years ago and has had an upset about missing out on the same closeness with family as when she lived here. Well, yes, it's a natural progression and things don't stay the same! She can be a bit dramatic and emotional too. We're still close, it's just different.

Maybe you could talk to her about how she's feeling and the natural process of moving out of home? I think it can be a big and hard adjustment.

This! Imagine having the energy for that many feelings!

Some really harsh responses here about the daughter. Of course she thinks the world revolves around her! She’s 19, not a mature person in her 30s with all the perspective that implies. Nineteen isn’t a child, but it isn’t an adult either, and leaving home to go to university is a massive deal - it’s not necessarily a happy whirlwind of parties and fun. It can be an intense time when a lot of insecurities come to the surface.

I agree with a PP that said going to uni ≠ moving out, so I probably wouldn’t have wanted someone moving in and out of my bedroom.

Either swap it fully or don’t. How often does she go back home?

so can i get this straight. All you #TeamDD think that it is perfectly fair for the child living at home most of the time, due to an accident of birth, have to have the smaller room?

Give your heads a collective wobble.

It’s no wonder she behaves like a baby when you’re acting like she is one. Why have you bought new pyjamas for her? When I was 18/19 and at uni, and I came home to visit, I’d have looked at my mum like this 🤨, if she bought me new pyjamas just cause I came back for a visit. I had pyjamas. Don’t need to be babied.

She sounds a bit lost and homesick. She probably needs reassuring she always has a home with you for as long as she needs it.

sometimes the best thing we can tell our kids is to get a grip.

^ this.
DH had a large bedroom, his younger brother had the box room - they swapped as soon as DH went to uni (& we had to squeeze into a single bed when I stayed over during the holidays!). It was only fair as DH wasn't there most of the time.

Yeah I would have told her to get a grip

Tell her to grow up.

University can be a tough and lonely adjustment. For some reason she’s feeling down, and she’s been ruminating and constructed this narrative that you’ve all moved on without her and she can never really go back to the security of home. The room issue is just a symbol - what she’s really afraid of is abandonment.

Obviously it’s annoying to get a text like that when you’re right in the middle of preparing for her return, but she may just be in need of reassurance.