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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL insistent on hosting Christmas

79 replies

Zebraelephant · 07/12/2025 15:03

Name changed as outing.

The context is that DH and I live in his hometown not far from his parents and not far from DBIL and his partner. We all get on and see each other about once a week. I am pregnant with our first child and due in the new year. We have a dog who is welcome to DPILs house but only in certain rooms (we understand and respect this). DBIL works abroad and is only home every other Christmas at best, his partner only has two days off over Xmas usually Christmas Day and either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. My family live quite a distance away and we spent last year with them.

This year with DBIL being home and having spent last year with my family and not wishing to travel due to being heavily pregnant we were always going to be having Xmas with DH family. We hadn’t firmed up plans until this week whilst waiting for DBIL to come home, DPIL tend to dance to his tune a bit I think because a) he was very sick as a child and b) because he has a tendency to strop if not getting his own way despite being a fully grown man (not my circus but included because it is relevant. We get on totally fine with DBIL).

Anyway the other night PIL were over and we spoke about Christmas. Both DMIL and DFIL said they assumed we would be at theirs for Christmas “because it is was DBIL would expect” and DMIL said she wanted to host. We offered to host at ours because a ) there’s more room b) When hosting DMIL spends the whole time in the kitchen other than eating the meal and refuses help and c) we could have longer together because the dog would be here and we wouldn’t be leaving dog to go to theirs (he’s fine being left but don’t want to leave him more than a few hours). DPIL refused and DMILs like of reasoning seemed to be that she “is on countdown” and she wants to “do it for as many years as possible whilst still able.” We said ok fine but we will only be round for max 3 hrs and shall we all (us, DBIL and in laws) split the cooking jobs so it’s less work for in laws (also frankly she does too many dishes and none of them are cooked nicely so the meal is endured rather than enjoyed, it is not just me that thinks this DH and DBIL agree). Again she totally refused saying she wants to do it all for herself.
We will go along with this as we don’t wish to upset anyone or rock the boat, but AIBU to think she’s being a bit unreasonable not allowing us to help? What is this about? Is it pride? Power play?
I am slightly concerned that this may set a precedent for us being expected to go every year even when we’ve got small children… obviously I am not sure how we’ll feel about this but I suspect will want to spend Christmas at home as both PILs and BILs houses are not at all child friendly (lots of stuff, both v precious about decor, doubt I’d be able to relax with a baby or toddler eating there).

Has anyone else navigated similar things with their own mothers or MILs being precious about hosting Christmas?

OP posts:
Frenchfrychic · 07/12/2025 17:05

StartingFreshFor2026 · 07/12/2025 17:03

I think this is all a bit mean spirited. When you have your baby, you will be able to spend Christmas just as a 3 in whatever way you want. As it stands MIL is very excited because your parents got their turn last year and BIL is also home which is rare. Her wanting to host is all fairly normal (some people like it and do refuse 'help').

You only have to spend 3 hours there and you're already tried to cook up ways to fake 'help' her because you've all discussed and agreed how shit her cooking is.

Just all feels a bit ... horrible.

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I’m sure the op will be delighted when her son or daughter in law does the same when the time comes. And very understanding.

Frenchfrychic · 07/12/2025 17:04

JayJayj · 07/12/2025 17:00

I’m not OP?

And I was 22.
My husband (then boyfriend) was driving around to find somewhere that sold electric tokens as they hadn’t made sure they had enough. They ate without us. I had my wine in a mug. No table. The food was awful. No crackers no games no nothing. No starters.

It was like a really shit Sunday dinner except it was Christmas. It was my first Christmas not spent with mum or family and it was horrendous.

Edited
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Oh sorry I thought you were from the way you responded.

StartingFreshFor2026 · 07/12/2025 17:03

Zebraelephant · 07/12/2025 16:51

He told us.

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I think this is all a bit mean spirited. When you have your baby, you will be able to spend Christmas just as a 3 in whatever way you want. As it stands MIL is very excited because your parents got their turn last year and BIL is also home which is rare. Her wanting to host is all fairly normal (some people like it and do refuse 'help').

You only have to spend 3 hours there and you're already tried to cook up ways to fake 'help' her because you've all discussed and agreed how shit her cooking is.

Just all feels a bit ... horrible.

JayJayj · 07/12/2025 17:00

Frenchfrychic · 07/12/2025 17:00

You are logged in via a different account? You no longer show as the op.

but if Xmas was so bad it made you cry and your mum had to do another Xmas for you ( which I’m sorry sounds quite immature without further detail) then be glad it’s just 3 hours;

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I’m not OP?

And I was 22.
My husband (then boyfriend) was driving around to find somewhere that sold electric tokens as they hadn’t made sure they had enough. They ate without us. I had my wine in a mug. No table. The food was awful. No crackers no games no nothing. No starters.

It was like a really shit Sunday dinner except it was Christmas. It was my first Christmas not spent with mum or family and it was horrendous.

Frenchfrychic · 07/12/2025 17:00

JayJayj · 07/12/2025 16:58

My thinking is that I want to enjoy myself. I had one awful Christmas at theirs and cried that night it was so bad. My mum did a 2nd Christmas on New Year’s Day for me. I promised myself I would not let it happen again.

I don’t see why it would piss someone off because you like/don’t like certain foods. And if it does that says more about them.

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You are logged in via a different account? You no longer show as the op.

but if Xmas was so bad it made you cry and your mum had to do another Xmas for you ( which I’m sorry sounds quite immature without further detail) then be glad it’s just 3 hours;

gogomomo2 · 07/12/2025 16:59

I get it op, my mum is like this, at least she has the biggest house. She loves hosting and whilst personally I prefer my own cooking I let her and realistically it won’t be for many more years now, she’s mid 70’s

JayJayj · 07/12/2025 16:58

Zebraelephant · 07/12/2025 16:53

This is true and we probably will take over some food, but I think it is fairly normal at this time of year not to want to piss off ones family isn’t it?

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My thinking is that I want to enjoy myself. I had one awful Christmas at theirs and cried that night it was so bad. My mum did a 2nd Christmas on New Year’s Day for me. I promised myself I would not let it happen again.

I don’t see why it would piss someone off because you like/don’t like certain foods. And if it does that says more about them.

Frenchfrychic · 07/12/2025 16:56

It’s 3 hours, you see them enough as it is, you don’t need to spend longer with them, are you on maternity maybe and a little bored so over thinking stuff, I mean power play, really? Just go, have the meal come home and do something Xmassy together nice snacks etc

Original poster
Zebraelephant · 07/12/2025 16:53

JayJayj · 07/12/2025 16:47

I’ve put YABU only because you “don’t want to rock the boat”
Don’t do something you don’t want to do. I always do certain dishes at PILs they know I’m “fussy” and like certain foods a certain way.

You and your husband are your own people and can chose for yourself what to do.

This is true and we probably will take over some food, but I think it is fairly normal at this time of year not to want to piss off ones family isn’t it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Zebraelephant · 07/12/2025 16:51

StartingFreshFor2026 · 07/12/2025 15:59

How do you know that BIL also thinks his mum's cooking is shit?

I think YABU.

He told us.

OP posts:
JayJayj · 07/12/2025 16:47

I’ve put YABU only because you “don’t want to rock the boat”
Don’t do something you don’t want to do. I always do certain dishes at PILs they know I’m “fussy” and like certain foods a certain way.

You and your husband are your own people and can chose for yourself what to do.

StartingFreshFor2026 · 07/12/2025 16:39

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 07/12/2025 16:26

Well my BIL is very uncouth and voices his opinion of my mum to me. But there are plenty of polite and affectionate ways to chat about our relatives foibles!

"God, I wish mum would sit down and enjoy the day with us, she does too much in fact, she'd do better to get a few things perfect."
"I agree bless her, remember the year we were all pretending not to notice the sprouts were burned?"

I'd not worry too much about pressure in the future OP, it just needs to be left as a gentle but firm no if it doesn't suit you.

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I'm pretty uncouth but I'd never sit there criticising someone's cooking if they'd made me a full Christmas dinner. I wouldn't even do this as a joke, with family. I think that's really horrible personally 😕

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 07/12/2025 16:26

StartingFreshFor2026 · 07/12/2025 15:59

How do you know that BIL also thinks his mum's cooking is shit?

I think YABU.

Well my BIL is very uncouth and voices his opinion of my mum to me. But there are plenty of polite and affectionate ways to chat about our relatives foibles!

"God, I wish mum would sit down and enjoy the day with us, she does too much in fact, she'd do better to get a few things perfect."
"I agree bless her, remember the year we were all pretending not to notice the sprouts were burned?"

I'd not worry too much about pressure in the future OP, it just needs to be left as a gentle but firm no if it doesn't suit you.

Monty34 · 07/12/2025 16:24

When mums get older they often don't like to acknowledge it. They don't want to feel redundant from what was a fundamental role in their life.
They like to still cook, host, and keep the horrid realisation they are getting even older at bay.
No doubt it may well happen to some on here too.

Octavia64 · 07/12/2025 16:10

We had this with my mil. She was obsessive about having her family all around her at Christmas. I wouldn’t have minded so much but I’m lactose intolerant and she’d cook so much stuff with dairy in and then I’d get yoghurt or something.

eventually we all just got too many for her house (thankfully!) and we then met up at a pub between Christmas and new year.

Annebowlyn · 07/12/2025 16:04

Play nice this year, then it's you and yours from next year, so drop hints like so nice to have Christmas together with you this year, next year we'll have our own little family and it'll be at ours.

StartingFreshFor2026 · 07/12/2025 15:59

How do you know that BIL also thinks his mum's cooking is shit?

I think YABU.

Bluesclues1 · 07/12/2025 15:59

My ILs are the same - so rigid in plans and what they want to do. They insist on hosting, winge about it and then also hate being hosted so it’s uncomfortable all round! We’ve started seeing SIL/BIL without them as we always have to accommodate what they want to do.

Monty34 · 07/12/2025 15:55

Just go and try to enjoy it. You expected to be doing so in the first place.

NoKnit · 07/12/2025 15:51

Honestly I'm failing to see the issue here.

You are pregnant, heavily pregnant. Why would you want to cook?

You can only stay 3 hours due to dog. Hooray this is your in-laws I mean in fairness do you want to be there?

Totally a win win situation.

We'll be travelling from another country this Christmas to see family and in-laws but my MIL has no desire to host Christmas as too much work. We'll be lucky if we have a cup of tea and a sandwich at their house. SIL I assume we probably won't be invited to their house at all, just have to go on days out to see them all the time. Which is knackering. This has been the way the last 2 trips back we've done not been asked to their house and quite honestly I find it weird. My kids can hardly remember what their cousins bedrooms look like.

Just accept the invite eat them out of house and home for 3 hours and go hone to a nice tidy house. Win win

Original poster
Zebraelephant · 07/12/2025 15:38

Alicorn1707 · 07/12/2025 15:36

"possibly worrying about how I might set boundaries when the baby arrives"

All that is required for this to happen @Zebraelephant is to have your husband completely on board in setting your boundaries before your baby arrives.

Never too early to plant that seed.

Congratulations 👶

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Ah yes don’t worry I’ve made it clear to DH that I’ll need him to do this, he understands and is in full agreement although it won’t be without its hiccoughs I am sure.

OP posts:
Winterwonderwhy · 07/12/2025 15:38

toomuchfaff · 07/12/2025 15:25

Start getting into the mindset that YOU, your husband and new baby are the most important family now, and you between you all set your own "what is our family doing at christmastime"

Yes its nice to go to PIL, yes its nice to go to your own parents, but at some point, you want to start your own traditions. If you want to do a home Christmas next year, then do it. Put it out there, if you want it just you 3, thats fine, if you want to host 20 - then send out invites. You have a Christmas snow globe that is empty just waiting to be filled of what you want your Christmas to be.

I agree. Start setting out your boundaries now. All well and good she wants her kids together, but when do you have your own with your own kids? She’s also guilting everyone with the ‘countdown’.
you are pregnant now, most say you will have now.

Original poster
Zebraelephant · 07/12/2025 15:37

HoskinsChoice · 07/12/2025 15:36

I don't understand the dog situation. You said he's welcome in PIL's house but then say you won't take him and that's one of your reasons for not going. Why don't you take him if he's welcome?

He is only welcome in the kitchen, not in the dining room or living room where we will be spending time on Xmas day

OP posts:
HoskinsChoice · 07/12/2025 15:36

I don't understand the dog situation. You said he's welcome in PIL's house but then say you won't take him and that's one of your reasons for not going. Why don't you take him if he's welcome?

Alicorn1707 · 07/12/2025 15:36

Zebraelephant · 07/12/2025 15:21

Yes ! I will go with the flow this year and try and not think about it too much. Usually I wouldn’t I am not sure why it has left me mulling it over a bit in light of our chat the other night, possibly worrying about how I might set boundaries when the baby arrives but again, will cross that bridge when we come to it.

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"possibly worrying about how I might set boundaries when the baby arrives"

All that is required for this to happen @Zebraelephant is to have your husband completely on board in setting your boundaries before your baby arrives.

Never too early to plant that seed.

Congratulations 👶

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