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Original poster

40th birthday party blip

54 replies

PennysPowers · 07/12/2025 13:48

My husband invited some family up for my 40th birthday party on Friday. It was lovely to see my sisters and their husbands and children and my own parents. Also, my husbands parents came too.

We had planned a night out over the weekend but after Friday, I felt so sad. When arriving at the party, my inlaws, who were first to arrive said happy birthday etc but when father in law saw my daughters the first thing he says is long time no see and then mother in law announced the death of her former colleague who had died a few hours before on my actual birthday. She then went on to tell me about the woman, her age and about her children and how she shares a birthday with Mil and my husband. She then went on to talk about other people who have died recently (young women and mothers). I could feel a lump in my throat and the tears ready. I just felt terribly sad and sorry for these women. And now I feel self absorbed for feeling this way - I feel for these women and their children and families and i just feel sort of guilty for even wanting a party and a chance to celebrate with my own children. MIL then showed me a photo of the woman who had died (her beautiful smile staring back at me). I just felt the tears coming and havent been able to get her out of my mind (and I have never met this woman but feel such pain for her family). Am I being a horrible person for being annoyed at this (I know I have empathy been I truly feel for this famly). I know death comes to us all. It's just that I feel I was confronted with the reality of it at my party (a small crowd round at the house to mark the milestone).

Sorry for the rant. I said to ny dh about it and he didnt say anything. Mil did the same on evening of our wedding anniversary, talking abiut the death of another local woman who has died. Is this just what people do? Am I being ridiculously petty?

Like, yes I'm an adult and I'm 40 so I should know to give people a piece if my heart readily if they need it and be supportive and also, usually I fele it important to mention people's names who have passed and hear about them.

Then there's the feeling that my birthday was just so sad and I missed the chance to laugh and share all the great things I am so thankful to have in my life. Its like this massive dampener hanging over me.

OP posts:
Namechangerage · 07/12/2025 18:04

They sound awful, maybe don’t invite them next time!! I do think your reaction is a little disproportionate. Like, I called two of my parents on my 40th birthday - the stepparent said happy birthday and was then going on about their anxiety and a big argument at their sports club for 20 mins. My reaction was not to get all depressed and let it ruin my evening. I just thought “god what dickheads” and moved on.

Your DH not saying anything is weird though. If I had heard that going on I would have said “mum can you not” and steered her away. Or if I heard about it later I would have sympathised and said something like “sorry about my weird parents, let’s not invite them next time”. So he sounds unsupportive.

If it helps, alongside 2 of my parents doing that on the phone, at my 40th birthday meal my MIL did something at the start that made me feel like I wanted to leave my own birthday dinner! I regret inviting her though it didn’t spoil my whole birthday. I just learned my lesson for next time! She won’t be getting an invite to anything of mine going forward.

LocalHobo · 07/12/2025 17:55

Tricky one. I think with birthdays, particularly significant milestone ages, it is quite normal to feel emotional. Your MIL may seem pre-occupied with the loss of others your age because she realises how lucky she and the extended family are to have not experienced such tragedies.
Other people are just a bit obsessed with death. My DC used to laugh at my DM who would tell them seemingly lovely stories, such as the whistling boy who delivered milk when she was little, and they usually ended with lines like "Of course, he went off to war and was horribly mutilated".
Whichever of these directions your MIL is coming from, I understand the conversation could make you feel upset, it could even make you feel the need rein in your complete joy at celebrating your birthday but being annoyed does seem a shame. If you really don't want to hear any negativity just shut MIL down with a "I'm not having any sadness on my special day" and change the subject. I suspect she has no idea how she is making you feel.

ginasevern · 07/12/2025 17:36

Sorry but I don't agree with the previous poster at all. You don't sound depressed OP, and your reaction is perfectly normal. My mum did something similar to me many years ago. I was enjoying a special night out and she phoned to tell me that a 13 year old boy in our village had been killed by a drunk driver. She said the poor boy was going to see a local rugby match and had kissed his mum on the cheek and said "see you later, love you mum". I didn't know the boy but I was in pieces by the end of the call and simply couldn't enjoy the evening any more. Why my mum decided to phone and tell me I have no idea, but I assume she wanted to share her own grief at this horrible incident. My sadness at this boy's death lingered with me for a long time afterwards. Also, as people get older they do tend to dwell on death and mortality. It's quite common for them to have endless stories of people who have died or had operations etc.

HangryBrickShark · 07/12/2025 13:56

I think your actually depressed and so you are consumed with this. I think you should go to your GP for help. This is what I used to do when I was depressed and I'd be so sad about someone who had died or the rabbit I'd seen run over in the road.

The one day at 5.30am I found a cat that had been hit by a car. It was a gorgeous Tom cat. Not a mark on him, but he was still warm. It really really upset me as he was still warm and it must have happened seconds before I'd arrived. I handed him to the vet to be scanned and I couldn't get him out of my mind for months after.

That's why I went on anti depressants which have got me through the loss of my Mum and my horse this year.