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Original poster

To be surprised about friend's household income

111 replies

CuriousKit · 07/12/2025 11:57

Recently went to see a friend. She's always been bit insecure about other people spending on things like people going on holidays or buying a nice car etc. she earns well herself but she gets insecure about others going up on career ladder etc. she says she never puts heating on or never bought a new cloth, always bought from charity etc. I have spent significant time listening to her and reassuring her that she's doing well.
Anyways her DH casually dropped her earning from last year, a whopping £550k, take home 300k. I was shocked at why she would be so insecure and miserable. We don't earn anywhere near that sort of amount but live a decent life so I am sure she can have a very nice life and not worry so much and be this insecure.

OP posts:
FairKoala · 07/12/2025 12:54

Tbh anyone who shops in charity shops must be well off. The ones that I have ventured in. (Can’t stand the smell) or even just looked in the window are hugely overpriced. They are more than buying the item new

I think she needs to ask her dh where the money is going

Dnt they go on holiday, have children, but y new cars etc
If not. Why not

VoltaireMittyDream · 07/12/2025 12:47

LarryUnderwood · 07/12/2025 12:04

That level of insecurity likely comes from some kind of trauma or background of poverty. People aren't always rational about these things.

It's also common in people with OCD or ASD

MILLYmo0se · 07/12/2025 12:46

CuriousKit · 07/12/2025 12:31

She never said anything about it though ever.

But she has said she has no clue about outgoings as 'DH manages it all'...... so you have no idea are there large pension pots or savings that she has no access to, does she only get spending money that she wouldn't be able to afford her half of a holiday on, does she get berated if she buys cosmetics or clothes or a haircut from a joint account. Income isn't the only factor in someone's ability to spend money and afford things. There's always the possibility too as others have said that there's a trauma response to experiences in her past that have affected her view of spending and ability to enjoy 'unnecessary' things

ABeerInTheSunshineMakesMeHappy · 07/12/2025 12:44

Are you sure her husband was serious when he said this? As if anyone I knew told me they earned this much I’d think they were having a laugh.

Other suggestions are that maybe he got a huge new contract this year and didn’t normally earn anything like this. Or that they don’t share finances, maybe she is worried because she earns less than her husband and their set up is that they agreed when first together they would always pay halves, but that this no longer works.
Or yes, her DH may be financially controlling and as in other forms of control, she wouldn’t necessarily want to share this with others. Through no fault of her own, she may feel embarrassed.

I think I would have to ask her about it next time she makes comments around being financially concerned. Not in front of others but when there are just the two of you there.

thecalmsea · 07/12/2025 12:39

If he's self employed and earning 500k in invoicing, his take home is NOT 300K. there is no such thing for self employed people operating through a limited company. He will be paying corporation tax, 25% VAT and, currently, 40% tax on any money he takes out of the 500K company profit as dividends. Whilst that is a healthy profit, it is actually quite hard to spend without losing 50% to tax which consequently makes a lot of self employed people quite tight with dividends and spending. Maybe she doesn't understand that and actually doesn't have access to 300K to spend.

5128gap · 07/12/2025 12:39

Well you were already reassuring her she's doing well, so at least you know now you were correct and it wasn't just platitudes.

LaurieFairyCake · 07/12/2025 12:37

What’s a ‘healthcare consultant’. I have no idea what that is or what about it would generate half a million pounds a year income.

is it selling BUPA or it’s like to people/companies ?

PithyTaupeWriter · 07/12/2025 12:35

I earn roughly that. You would never guess this from how I live, I'm quite frugal. Where does this money insecurity come from? Growing up poor, and working hard to be fiercely independent and not rely on anyone else because I've seen so many women being financially abused.
I am nowhere near as frugal as your friend though, and I never talk about other people's financial situations.
At a guess your friend is being financially abused and/or grew up poor and is terrified of ending up poor again.

BunnyLake · 07/12/2025 12:34

CuriousKit · 07/12/2025 12:28

I remember her once saying she hasn't got any clue about outgoings as all managed by DH

What sort of house do they live in?

ilovesooty · 07/12/2025 12:33

CuriousKit · 07/12/2025 12:30

That's a possibility now that you have mentioned. I never thought about it.

Show quote history

I'm surprised that during these extensive conversations you've never thought about the possibility.

You'll either have to redirect the conversation or challenge her perception of poverty directly. Or stop seeing her if it bothers you.

Upthenorth · 07/12/2025 12:32

As PP say it sounds a bit like financial abuse if she’s worried and has no control over the finances.

He could also be bullshitting about his salary.

Original poster
CuriousKit · 07/12/2025 12:31

She never said anything about it though ever.

OP posts:
Original poster
CuriousKit · 07/12/2025 12:30

FiloPasty · 07/12/2025 12:29

Well she could be being financially abused maybe she has no access to any of this money.

Show quote history

That's a possibility now that you have mentioned. I never thought about it.

OP posts:
FiloPasty · 07/12/2025 12:29

CuriousKit · 07/12/2025 12:28

I remember her once saying she hasn't got any clue about outgoings as all managed by DH

Well she could be being financially abused maybe she has no access to any of this money.

Original poster
CuriousKit · 07/12/2025 12:29

We talk about many things but something like discussing about other friends comes up in conversation every time about holidays or anyone moving house or car etc

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 07/12/2025 12:29

CuriousKit · 07/12/2025 12:28

I remember her once saying she hasn't got any clue about outgoings as all managed by DH

So maybe he keeps it all and gives her pocket money? Does she work?

Original poster
CuriousKit · 07/12/2025 12:28

I remember her once saying she hasn't got any clue about outgoings as all managed by DH

OP posts:
Original poster
CuriousKit · 07/12/2025 12:27

Healthcare as consultants

OP posts:
MyIvyGrows · 07/12/2025 12:26

CuriousKit · 07/12/2025 12:24

They are self employed.

What as, though?

opencecilgee · 07/12/2025 12:25

What’s her job?

Original poster
CuriousKit · 07/12/2025 12:24

They are self employed.

OP posts:
zipadeedodah · 07/12/2025 12:18

CuriousKit · 07/12/2025 12:14

I don't know what to say when she gets insecure next about other friends

Can't you just change the subject? Its a bit weird to be having constant conversations about how insecure she feels anyway.

What else do you two talk about

Also, are you actually gonna tell us what she does for a living?

Original poster
CuriousKit · 07/12/2025 12:18

Anyways I think it's none of my business and I will just have to dodge next time when she goes on about others having nice time in holidays and that she's miserable.

OP posts:
Original poster
CuriousKit · 07/12/2025 12:14

I don't know what to say when she gets insecure next about other friends

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 07/12/2025 12:09

CuriousKit · 07/12/2025 12:08

That's her husband's earning, her earning is separate. He dropped his earnings casually in a conversation.

You clearly said her earnings in your OP so I don’t think you will get many accurate replies now. But clearly they may not share finances or she may be insecure as he’s the high earner not her etc.

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