To be surprised about friend's household income

And cut it accordingly.

Next time she moans, just say “but x said he earns x, why do you feel you can’t have this and that?”

It might be a relief for her to talk about it.

That woman would be so much better off emotionally and financially if they divorced. It’s so sad when someone is so downtrodden they don’t have the courage to leave.

Mmm. She has a problem. She’s in a rut and she doesn’t know how to enjoy herself. Surely you must know what job she has and ball park salary for that job? Odd if you didn’t unless she’s self employed. I’d just leave her be. Folks are odd!

Edit to add: I prefer that people would never guess how much I earn, it’s not just about financial insecurity. I have a few friends who earn very little and I’d hate for anyone to feel uncomfortable around me because of the disparity in earnings. I’ve also seen how many people behave around people they consider to be wealthy, and it can be quite cringy IMO.

Maybe you could buy her a new cloth for Christmas.

The OP updated that it’s his earnings not hers.

She is earning that. Not he.

He casually dropped her earnings. Not his. So it will be paid to her directly.

Ahh it too a while but there it is.

If they're self employed then I suspect money isn't always as good and there are far fewer guarantees of taking home that wage long term, if it is even true.
He might have just had a really good year.
Knowing a couple where the husband ran his own business and lived the high life but are now in financial straits make me think if I ever was self employed I would absolutely not see it as a long term guarantee.

Sounds like he’s controlling it all, including getting her to think they’re poor! Or something. Can’t you say to her next time ‘but your DH told me you have £X, that should be plenty’?

Because she is has low self esteem. I told her it's not normal. When I wasn't working I still accessed our shared bank account. I could buy what I needed and wanted (within budget). Anything big had to be discussed but usually agreed upon. She seemed shocked at this but defended her husband by saying, "he must be investing it for our future". I can't help her, only she can do that. I haven't seen her for a few years. As she can't buy coffee at the cafe anymore.

What job does the husband do? Sorry, just seen x

I thought that too.

Why are they still married?

So what’s your question? Why do you feel the need to discuss someone else’s income on a public forum? How would you feel if they started a thread about your financial situation?

My friends husband runs his own IT firm. He is a very high earner. She used to moan about the price of groceries, clothes and buy second hand whenever she can. I got fed up with it all until I realised something wasn't right. She was invited with her husband to receive an OBE from the palace. Husband bought himself a new suit, italian shoes, tie and expensive watch. She couldn't find anything below £20, because that was all he'd given her! She ended up with nothing to wear (and yes she looked like a bag of rags) and he took her shopping to buy her a dress and fascinator. Because he didn't want her embarrassing her. I told her she was being financially abused, as she couldn't access any money. She had to wait to be given money from her husband, which was never enough for groceries. They often went without because she couldn't buy it. She was also director of the company but didn't receive anything. We don't meet anymore as her husband complained that she spends money on coffee when we meet at the cafe.

I would be seriously concerned she is being financially abused if that is his wage, he manages the money etc

It can become an addiction saving and being frugal. You lose sight of what's normal. Kind of like financial hoarding/anorexia?

I've a mate who claims poverty all the time and gripes over every penny. Accepts my generosity without hesitation. Last time she was moaning she hated her new kitchen..
That cost £30k. While sitting in mine that hasn't been updated since the early 80s.

So yeah I get it's a bit perplexing and annoying.

If your friends DH deals with all outgoings & friend has no idea about expenses etc. (doesn’t she do any food or household shopping?). Is it possible the DH could be a bit ‘Controlling’?

Why? Is she less of a friend now you know her husband has money? Her feelings aren’t any less valid and you’ve still no reason to think she has access to more disposable income.

You sound a bit jealous and judgemental

Well, there you are then. Self-employed means that the income can be great for a few years and then dry up completely and you are left with no income at all and a business insolvency. There are no protections in law (redundancy pay etc) and you have all the risk if there is an issue with a client/service/product which means you are personally liable if you get sued.

I think the enormity of how vulnerable SE people are in this climate and economy probably means she is sensibly not taking her current earnings for granted. She is smart to be wary.

Not so smart in her choice of DH, though. He sounds like a dick.