To be surprised about friend's household income

But surely it was just as annoying before her husband ‘casually dropped’ his income into a conversation?

I work part time but my husband is quite a big earner and we have a small mortgage. We go on about 5/6 holidays a year and eat out every week or so, get takeaways etc. my wage pays for my day to day life and a couple of bills. My husband pays for everything else. We buy from vinted mainly and often buy second hand furniture because we’re into sustainability. Its possible the friend is on the same position

Sounds like a husband problem to me too. Apart from anything else, what kind of a massive twat announces their massive yearly wage in casual conversation?

Self employed, fortunes vary widely , boom and bust is a hazard especially in the building industry, one customer goes bankrupt can wipe out a whole years profit.
Its a very stressful life, one years profit funds the next project

I know two Mum friends in this situation. High-earning husbands, pots of pensions & savings for 'later' in life, never a shortage if funds for their hobbies & toys, but Dads will bitch & moan about the cost of kids clothing, haircuts, cosmetics, clubs, birthday parties and so on.

Both end up scrimping & saving from their part-time salaries to have a little pot for 'treats' & outings over school holidays, meanwhile Dad is the only one who knows the actual household income, where the money is stashed etc. While being completely insulated from the realities of everyday cost inflation because she has to absorb all the food & living costs from a very limited 'housekeeping' allowance.

You'd think it was the 1950s still, but there seems to be an abundance of high earning men who seem happy to pat themselves on the back about their brilliance & income, without recognising the value provided by a wife who covers all of the child-rearing time & commitments for his own family.

It's a shame so many of these women somehow still feel like they're getting a good deal, because they would be far better off in divorce & he'd STILL then have to pay a good £15k a year in nanny fees to cover the hours he'd be working for his half of the time with children. Makes my blood boil how little value these men put on raising their own offspring 🤬

Financial well-being is not the same as financial security. Both DH and I are high earners, savings etc, but we both have high financial anxiety.

Yes, I have ASD and ADHD, I have a fear of poverty and feel like if I do spend my savings then something could happen, my mind goes on to me becoming homeless etc. I'm also self-employed, as the couple mentioned in the post, and earnings can be volatile (very feast or famine), there's always the uncertainty that your earnings could go down. I find it really hard to treat myself, even though at the moment I'm earning well and have decent savings

Next time she has a moan about friends spending just say 'I don't know why you worry so much with xxx (Husbands name) earning what he does added to your income I'm sure you could afford the same' Don't feel bad about it. Her Husband dropped the info into conversation so he knows you know roughly what their income is each month.

Is it a cry for help as she’s being financially abused?

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

But she is miserable because she can't go on holiday - it's just that money isn't the reason.

Maybe he's lying
I mean who's stingy enough to accept ffriends generosity when they earn that much?
Very dishonorable 🤔

She's batshit or one of them is a liar...

Am I the only one who thinks the husband might be lying about how much he makes?

Maybe she’s only recently earning this sort of money? Someone I know I inherited a lot of money a couple of years ago - think £1.5m+. She’d never completely been on her uppers but had always had to budget wisely and just found it impossible to stop watching the pennies all the time.

You know, she knows you know. I wouldn’t dodge it. The next time she mentions it I’d be honest in what your thoughts are. She’s not poor & if she is it’s not for what she’s earns so really shouldn’t have sour grapes on how others live. I’m financially secure & so is my mate. She’s just bought an old cottage in the countryside. We went round & she dropped out she spent 10k on her door curtain & 17k on her carpets. She were a group of 4 with 2 of girls barely making ends meet so I thought that was tackless. I get your mate in a way because if I think I’ve paid a lot for something I keep quiet. But if I have a top on that costs £5 the whole world would know of the bargain I’ve had

Oh I totally hear what you're saying. As someone who earns a lot a lot a lot less than that, it would annoy me very much to hear her moaning about not having money to spend on things, and complaining about other people's spending habits when you know that she's got it.

The only thing I can suggest is to treat what she's saying the same way that if a thin person would go on and on and on about calories and exercise and eating and dieting, they may have anorexia or some other eating disorder. Even if there's a skinniest person you've ever seen, they have a mental condition which tells them that they're not skinny enough. Maybe your friend is like this but with money.

How do you know you are being told the truth?

All sounds a bit odd to
me.

She would not mention it if not aware that she was being financially abused. Maybe he holds the purse strings and she only has a set amount given to her. If she is not financially savvy on how things should work in relationships perhaps a kind and gentle approach is required. Suggest she squirrels away some money and see her response to that first.

@Joeninety
Well yeah but I mean it is chit chat… what do you want her to say “gosh we just made another 10K whilst sitting here having coffee”…surely you can understand that the random veg are too expensive these days (which they are) talk is a complete different one than being deeply troubled by “do we have enough?” “It isn’t secure to go higher” type of vibes…

that comes from the past. People cary their scars all their life if they don’t try to heal them.

Must be very old. I knew an old businessman once who owned outright three prime Kensington houses outright and probably more besides, and his wife still complained/remarked on the price of vegetables at her local store. Honestly !

There is an element of if you were poor growing up, or became poor because you lost your job or whatever, it's not a situation that you want to repeat, so living frugally while having enough money to see you through a difficult period becomes normal. Unlike the vast number of people who can't afford a pot to piss in.

People aren't always awfully nice with people who earn so highly.

My guess is that she's previously lost friends due to her having much more than others - that there had been some spite or assumption that she would pay or lend unfairly.

Maybe she's just overdoing it on the 'every man' normality front in order to deflect from the disparity?

And on your side, I can see why you’re shocked, but be careful not to fall into the ‘I would be happy if I had that money’ trap.
People can be anxious at any income.
Money doesn’t magically delete old insecurities, and some people cling to frugality as part of their personality long after they’ve stopped needing it.

Your friend might genuinely struggle with comparison — and her husband’s casual boasting probably doesn’t help that dynamic.

That said, spending years lamenting £3 charity shop dresses while the household take-home is £300k does make the whole thing feel… slightly theatrical.
She’s not living in hardship — she’s living in a perfectly good life and hasn’t realised it yet.

You’re not unreasonable to be surprised.
Just don’t let their numbers rewrite how you see your own life.

Anyway, I think the husband made some mistakes, one of which was sharing his wife's financial situation with you.

Judging your friend harshly and encouraging others to do the same isn’t something a good friend would do, especially if it means criticizing her life and making her an easy target for negativity. A true friend wouldn’t behave like that, which makes it seem like there might be some underlying bad feelings toward her.

I’m also judging the husband for sharing something that wasn’t his to share.

Here’s a tip for anyone reading this: don’t share personal or financial details unless you’re sure the person is trustworthy and not active on social media or forums where your info could be exposed. Instead, consider using AI platforms, which can often be more helpful and nonjudgmental.