Would you forgive this?

I'm sorry he's done this to you and your family op.

I think what he's done is worse than cheating as well given it was non consensual and made another person deeply uncomfortable. I personally couldn't get past this. He's put his own desires and need for control and intimidation (because that's what this really boils down to) ahead of you and your family and the wellbeing of a young woman. The other problem is that you can't trust him not to do this again and in all honesty I would see this as being on the spectrum of cheating.

Good for her for reporting it. I think you look into how you can leave him, get your ducks quietly in a row and you walk away with your head held high. You remember that you've nothing to be ashamed about and this is entirely on him.

Not at all. I genuinely don’t know how they have come to the decision and even his union rep has complained that there is no grounds for it. Because it’s sexual harassment and the law changed last year there is a greater responsibility on employers and as far as I can see they’ve shit a brick and just ignored the evidence. They’re a massive company as well with clear processes but they’ve just ignored them. I can’t go into the specifics as it would be very outing. Our solicitor has reviewed the evidence and we are proceeding to ET. If you look online there are a lot of judgements out there where employers just get it wrong.
Overnight my world was turned upside down when my husband was suspended and so understand how the op feeling. For those that are going to jump in and tell me I’m naive, I’m not. I used to work in an HR style environment and was often appointed to investigate grievances including sexual harassment. I have seen all of the paperwork and even listened to the allegations when he had the disciplinary as it was on teams, so nothing has been kept from me. Some times people do lie - I’m sure in most cases this isn’t true but it does happen.
We will also be taking legal action against the complaint and she left my husband suicidal at being falsely accused.

He's sexually harassing both his coworkers and customers and he is putting his hands on at least one coworker.

Medical check if this is sudden new behaviour but it it sounds like there's multiple witnesses to his behaviour. I also think if it was a neuro issue there would be other signs and symptoms than just him harassing women at work.

You'd better read the report about his firing and find out what kind of man your husband is. Get therapy if you feel you need it.

He's a sex pest. Get rid

I would be more worried about him being a creep and not knowing boundaries then you not being good enough for him...

I am surprised that you say he is looking at other women and he thinks you are not good enough for him. Your husband has been accused of sexual harassment and inappropriate behaviour at his workplace. Do you realise the magnitude of this allegation? This is not him cheating on you because he doesn't fancy you. He has engaged in predatory behaviour with multiple women. And you have to be prepared to deal with repercussions of that as a family, which may be that you decide to separate from him.

I knew someone who’s character changed and she began to become erratic and spend money on ridiculous things and then hide them, her personality changed completely and it turned out to be a brain tumour so it does happen but not sure about the ops case

Hi OP. I think the first thing I would be doing is making sure I had all of the facts. If he has been dismissed there will be a full summary of all of the case and a letter which summarised the conclusion. He would also have a right of appeal. What is happening with this, is he appealing and if so on what grounds? I would want to see all of the documentation available in unabridged form and I would go through it in detail before I did anything else.

I know of two cases where out of character behaviour turned out to be tumors, one benign and one not. Also something called pernicious anaemia can present as early (then full)dementia .......is a vitimin deficiency that gradually leads to dementia, balance issues, sight issues, and many more each symptom creeps up on one. Out of character behaviours which have led to people being sectioned in extreme cases. Only Once b12 blood test done and clear and tumor test clear would i think change of character a choice.
Tricky. If you can have an honest conversation and see letter etc then you will be fully informed to make your decision. My best wishes
(Google the pernicious anaemia society and list of symptoms folks ....many dying of dementia are likely sufferers of PA and never checked)

Nobody is waving it away, it’s a clinical symptom for both men and women that health care professionals look out for. It’s rare but most certainly not unheard of.

I’ve seen it before and a brain tumour was the culprit. Each time they’d lost everything before having seizures. The person will not recognise their behaviour as unreasonable, that’s the point!

That is why I asked if this was new behaviour.

He hasn’t ‘cheated’ but I PROMISE you this, if any one of those women he perved over had given him the green light, he’d be like a rat up a drainpipe.
Really sorry, OP

Op,I’m so sorry you’re going through this, what a horrible shock it must be for you. Don’t worry about whether you are good enough for him of course you are in fact you’re too good for him. As others have said you are hearing his watered down version of events, he is a sex pest and you need to remove him from your life. And don’t try to hide the reasons why when people ask, it’s to your shame to bear this is all on him. Take legal advice and start to make a plan

some of the posts on here are so OTT - ‘he’s a sexual predator..’ etc. Yes, it doesn’t sound like very professional behaviours but there’s a difference to being a flirt because that’s your personality or your having a bit of a mid-life wobble, being a sleaze, and then harassment, or sexual predator.

I would get your husband to answer this question for you OP. Your post makes perfect sense - of course your head is scrambled - so tell him this exactly, and ask him how you are going to trust him in the future. Make him own it and fix it. And if he can’t…then come back to MN. Good luck.

I could forgive cheating maybe. But definitely not sexual harassment.
That would be my concern .

Interesting- as a man at work I have very occasionally said something like 'nice haircut' or 'I like your coat is that a new one?' and these comments are welcome, but I'm saying these in the staffroom around other people and they are meant geuinely, with people I get on with and have worked with for ten years or more. Do people on this thead find these comments unwelcome?

His behaviour is not an indication that you are not enough, it is him showing that he is not good enough for you.

He has hidden his sleazy ways up until now, but now you have found out what he is really like when you are not around. This is on him. I've met these gross men in the workplace over the years. Men who think women should all fancy them and enjoy their inappropriate advances, see it as some kind of compliment, when the reality is it makes womens skin crawl. In the past many women would put up and shut up when men behaved like this, through worries of job security, and the men's behaviour being seen as more socially accepted. Thank god times are changing and women like the one which called out your DH now feel they can speak out.

The last man I saw do this and make gross sexual comments every day, I can guarantee that had nothing to do with his wife not being enough. This ugly gross little man was a man in a power position. He had landed himself a beautiful much younger wife. He still felt the need to make discusting comments such as "come and sit on my lap" to women including me. It was hard to speak out when the people also in power jobs are seeming to accept it and laugh along. I did finally speak out and he was told not to make these comments to ME. Not even a slap on the wrist, he was not even told to just stop these comments in the workplace overall. His wife may never find out what he is up to as he didn't get sacked or disaplined for it.

Thank yourself lucky that you did find out so can now act on it and get rid of this pervert

"How am I ever going to be able to move past this without constantly thinking now that he’s looking at other people or I’m not good enough, slim enough etc."
I honestly think you're focusing on completely the wrong thing - possibly as some form of avoidance, because dealing with the ACTUAL problem of your husband's behaviour is overwhelming you.

The problem is not that he's comparing you to other women - the problem is that he is a predatory sex pest. I'd be so disgusted with him right now that I'd struggle to even look at him. I certainly wouldn't give a flying fuck what he thought of me!

"I desperately need other people’s perspectives as my mental health has taken a battering and I’m struggling to know what to do."
I wonder if you've been avoiding acknowledging that your husband is a wrong 'un, sticking you fingers in your ears and singing la-la-la; and that has is what has impacted your mental health. At some level he set your radar pinging, and shoving it down into your subconscious has cost you dearly. In which case, your mental health will improve enormously when you take the blinkers off, see him for what he is, accept that disgust is a perfectly normal reaction, and set about divorcing him.

"This one girl at work has raised this all about him but there are witnesses to the comments. Apparently he’s quite touchy feely with her, only stuff like hand on shoulder when talking, brushing her hair away to look at her earring etc. But she obviously feels so uncomfortable to have brought it to this point."
I think you're desperately trying to victim blame here, as part of avoiding the reality of Your Husband The Sex Pest. "Only" is the giveaway. Can you, hand on heart, say you wouldn't be totally creeped out if a work colleague behaved like this to you? I would. So stop minimising what he's done - done repeatedly and for quite some time. This isn't a one-off mistake or misunderstanding - he has carried out a persistent and sustained sexual harassment, and he deserved the sack.

"He hasn’t cheated and I don’t believe he has or would!"
Is that your only measure of a good man? What he did was far worse, in my opinion. He put a woman in fear. I'd bet money he rather enjoyed feeling her fear, feeling the power of being able to make someone fearful. Do NOT minimise his actions or his intent.

What you need to deal with now is the practicalities. First, finances - he's been sacked, so his income is no more. Are you working? Can you manage on your salary? Have you savings to keep paying the bills? This is your priority, the roof over your head and the food on the table. Secondly, I'd ask him to move out, to give you a bit of headspace. You need time to process this because it is massive, and having him hanging around protesting 'it was nothing' will do nothing for your mental health. And once he's out, ponder long and hard what you want your future to be, and concentrate on that, not him.

((hug))

op I can’t read this thread becuse it’s upsetting to me but I did want to share…in 2003 my ex DH was accused of sexual harassment at work…a medical clinical setting where he was undisputedly “ in charge” At his medical groups insistence he paid her off 25,000$ of our personal joint funds. 2 yrs later just as our divorce was finalizing he was fired for sexually harassing another young female employee. He showed up to work was called to his partners office and escorted out the door by security. I have always thought they waited until oir divorce was final. My divorce attorney ( solicitor) obtained and shared with me the 15 point list of things she alleged he said and when I read it I knew he had said every single one of them.

a few yrs later he was fired from another position for having sex on
hospital property…not sure who was on the clock him ..her or both but again fired. Greys anatomy is it not real hospital life

you need to take a hard look at him your life and his behavior. He will reoffend.

the 25,000$ loss was restitution to me
during the divorce thankfully.

Serious question here, but how he could still be sacked if there are witnesses that can prove that the complainant was lying? Apologies if that sounds goady, I'm not trying to be, just wondering how that can happen.

As a happily married man in his 40s who works with and gets on well with a lot of women at work (it's a primary school) including some in their 20s I can't imagine touching them in this manner. Or any other woman for that manner except my wife. This can only denote sexual interest, and to keep doing so when it's clearly not reciprocated is harrassement/assault. Sorry to say this. I would leave him.

I agree! I work in HR and it wouldn’t be that simple. If he’s worked there over 2 years they would have had to go through a process, and this includes a detailed report of the fact finding against him. He legally would have been sent a copy. I would be asking for it and getting the details myself!

He's a pervert with no respect for women, and particularly no respect for you

OP, you probably won't want to hear this but I was sexually harrassed by an older colleague in my 1st job. I was 20, he was in his early 40s and kept telling me it was my fault for being so attractive (when I'm very very ordinary). It was horrible, having to keep avoiding eye contact with him or any form of communication as he took everything as a come on. I used to dread going to work. It wasn't until a much kinder older female colleague noticed that I realised it wasn't OK or normal, and she frogmarched me down to HR. It made me feel very vulnerable and it wasn't nice at all.

Imagine how this woman at work felt. A married man trying it on all the time, and then getting sacked for it. Do not minimise what he has done. He's a disgusting excuse for a man.

I’d leave him.
You have it externally validated that he’s a slime ball. Sometimes we can’t see what’s in front of us, especially if he behaves the same towards you and you’re reading it as affection.

It’s 2025, not 1975 I cannot imagine a man putting his hand on my shoulder when we’re talking or brushing my hair out of the way to look at my earrings. It’s deeply inappropriate (and this is him minimising his actions!). Nowadays it’s not considered appropriate to tell a colleague that they “look nice today”.

Hes gross, he’s unemployed, get rid!